Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you approach this privacy issue?

32 replies

DatingQuestion · 07/12/2021 05:19

Three dc, young adults who live at home. None of them have had a real relationship yet.

Say you've been on a few dates with someone, you enjoy the night and want to maybe go back home for a couple of drinks, nothing untoward, just want to chat a bit longer, without other people around.

But the dc, who normally take themselves off to bed at around 10.30 are all still up, in the lounge.

Now I like this, that they dont live in their rooms and we spend time together. I rarely have a date so it probably wouldn't occur to them I may want a bit of privacy now and again, i'm just mum. I brought a date back recently and despite me telling them I was on the way back at 11.00, they didn't take the hint and were all lined up on the sofas when we got in. He seemed really intimidated and uncomfortable and got the wrong impression, that I was introducing him to my kids, so therefore I must be serious too soon and he ran a mile.

It's their home, they will always come first, they're late teens/young adults and I can't tell them what to do but I need a bit of privacy also. Apart from what obviously might happen at some point, noone wants to have a "get to know you" conversation in front of a date's dc. I did wonder if they'd done it on purpose and waited up to check him out, which I can understand, but, it isn't the right way to go about it.

So what do I do? How do I explain the privacy thing to them without them feeling like they are restricted in their own home? I feel like a terrible mum but it's not selfish for me to want a relationship.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 07/12/2021 05:44

You have one of 2 options.

Firstly tell them if you message saying you are bringing a date back they need to be I their rooms when you get back

Second option is don't bring people home 'for a getting to know you chat' when home is a shared house.

My dd is 18 and I would go for option 2. I wouldn't be bringing a person into get to know while they were around.

Surely this man, didn't bolt because of this. You had, had several dates so he knew you fairly well? To know wether you were pushing to move too fast.

If I were you I would gave introduced him then told him 'sorry about that, I thought they would give us some privacy' and make a joke about it.

Also, unless you had agreed with the kids they would be out of the way, surely when you offered him back to yours you pointed out the kids would be there. Like "we can go back to mine, kids might still be about though, is that OK?'

Dating is hard when you have kids or live in a shared house.

Darkpheonix · 07/12/2021 05:45

Oh and it's not selfish to want a relationship at all. It might just be that you can't just go back to yours whenever you wish.

The other thing is that they may have thought you were bringing him back for sex, if its been several dates. They were uncomfortable and tried to sabotage it.

Speak to them.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 07/12/2021 06:36

They are young adults. They should not automatically'come first'. This is absurd. You have every right to privacy in your own home.
You should've said to them that you were on your way back can you give me and date some privacy.
If this stuff still happens then they are deliberately sabotaging, which is unacceptable in anyone over teenage.

TheTrinity · 07/12/2021 10:31

I can relate. Once my kids get to this age I would definitely have more chats to them about privacy in general and agreeing to house rules because there will come a time they may want to bring someone home for a cosy drink, I wouldn't object to that as long as we've agreed to exactly what that means. It's always good to hear their points of view and you can go from there. It's showing that you respect their feelings at the same time as telling them what you want as person not just their mum.

aurynne · 07/12/2021 10:35

Don't "hint", tell them clearly that you are bringing someone home and you want some privacy. If they complain, tell them you plan to French kiss him and I'll guarantee no one will be in the room when you come home.

TheFoundations · 07/12/2021 12:38

I think the mistake was to hint. Tell them what you want them to do.

If they text you to say they were bringing their date home, who they've been on several dates with, you might easily think 'Oh, yay! I finally get to meet him/her!'

It could easily be a 'wrong end of the stick' situation.

GentlemanJayFab · 07/12/2021 12:42

I had a girlfriend. She lived an hour away. I would travel to her for a meal out now and again.

This lasted nine months. I never went in her house because her son lived at home. We would park in the car round the corner and have a chat in there at the end of the night.

I'm not surprised your previous date ran a mile.

MMmomDD · 07/12/2021 12:52

You should date and not feel guilty, hard as it may be.
As to them - have a chat about dating and needing privacy. And be more direct with them, hinting isn’t helpful with teenagers.
Tell them that one day, when they want to bring a date home they can also be as direct.

But generally, even with them being in their rooms - would you really have felt relaxed enough to enjoy your date in your house? Kids would still move around - toilets, kitchen, etc.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2021 13:06

Could you not have gone back to his, or arrange it for an evening when the children might be out (friends/dads)?

Did he know your dc would be home? My dc are a little younger (14 and 15) but I wouldn't bring a man back home unless it was a more established relationship and I wouldn't want to go back to someone else's in the early stages either if their family was going to be there.

Bookworm20 · 07/12/2021 14:21

As they are young adults I think its perfectly fine to ask them not to be downstairs as you'd like to bring your date in for coffee, and want some privacy/want to sit in the lounge. Especially as its your house.
And I don't agree they should always come first, they are no longer children whose needs you need to cater to and prioritise.

Also though, the date could have run a mile because your adult dc were still living at home? If they are older than about 23/24 I can understand that might be a bit off putting.

SunflowerTed · 07/12/2021 15:09

I’d just a have frank conversation with your kids

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 15:35

You should have messaged them before you arrived home saying you were bringing a date home and you'd like some privacy. Why would you just turn up, knowing they'd be sitting there? And why didn't they disappear? Most teenagers would run off immediately.

Servalan · 07/12/2021 15:47

How did you word the message to your kids? Might they have misunderstood and thought that you wanted to introduce your date to them?

Blahdyblahbla · 07/12/2021 16:00

I'd definitely keep dating outside of the house until it's progressed to something a bit more serious.

Original poster
DatingQuestion · 08/12/2021 04:41

Thanks for your opinions, a few questions there i'll try to answer.
No, they aren't over 24. They dont tend to go "out out", no interest in pubs etc. One of them occasionally may stay overnight at a friend's but it's always a last minute thing.
They normally trot off to bed at 10.30, college, work in the morning. Once they've gone to bed they don't generally come down.
So I didn't think at 11pm they would still be up.
I know, even reading this back it seems unbelievable that they have zero interest in partying and normally go to bed at a sensible time but that's how they are.
I dont know why they didn't run off, or why they stayed up that particular night. Could be any number of things, a coincidence..they got into something on tv, or maybe being overprotective as I was in an abusive relationship before, maybe they just dont understand the need for a little privacy as they've never had a relationship, I honestly dont know.

Gentlemanjay, unfortunately I don't have a car to sit in, so that wasn't an option Grin

OP posts:
smoko · 08/12/2021 05:03

It seems weird to think 3 grown adult men would always pop off to bed @ 10.30pm. You say their "bedtime" is 10.30pm but that you rolled up with your date at 11pm. That's just 30mins after what you say is their usual bedtime.

That's cutting it pretty close - It sounds like you just came back too early.

I think if your 3 grown sons still live at home then it's essentially a shared house & as such you can't really commandeer the shared rooms of the house, by telling them to go to their rooms.

You could just warned your future dates that you have 3 grown sons at home who may or may not be awake, then let them take the lead on if they still want to pop round.

Unmerited · 08/12/2021 05:16

Sounds thrilling.

Unmerited · 08/12/2021 05:17

That was meant to be a reply to @GentlemanJayFab

Original poster
DatingQuestion · 08/12/2021 05:54

Smoko, I didn't say I had three grown sons. I have 2 boys in their early 20's and a daughter in her teens. The boys work and daughter is at college. So yes, they go off to bed at a time that suits them, which is normally 10.30. I'm not entirely sure what is suspicious about that! Apart from the fact I have sensible kids. Grin

OP posts:
smoko · 08/12/2021 06:02

OK so 2 grown men in their 20s & a teen daughter.

Even if their "bedtime" is 10.30, is it a hard & strict bedtime? You arrived just 30minutes later.

It sounds like you assume your kids go to bed at 10.30pm on the dot every night but they obviously don't, because they were still up for whatever reason.

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2021 06:04

Tell them.
Please don't stay up to wait for me when I have a date. I'd like a little privacy.

smoko · 08/12/2021 06:06

Also can't you just get the kids to turn the main living area lights off when they go to bed?

That way, if you roll up with a date & the lights are still on, you can say "oh, my kids are still up - better say our goodbyes here then"

You sounds like the type who is time punctual, but to others the difference between 10.30-11pm is minimal & cutting it too fine. But it seems to you that this was a reasonable amount of time to wait.

Like to me I think "gosh half an hour later, that's cutting it fine!"

But to you, it's "well I arrived at 11pm, which is a whole half our after they are usually asleep!"

It's a matter of perspective I guess.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2021 06:06

Just tell them to —bog off— make themselves scarce

I don’t understand why you are pussyfooting around them

Original poster
DatingQuestion · 08/12/2021 06:12

Smoko, I also have not said that's "bedtime"! I said they normally go to bed at that time by their own choice! I don't wish to argue but please read what I said properly. It's sort of relevant to my question.

OP posts:
Momijin · 08/12/2021 06:15

When I was dating a man who still lived in a house with his stbxw as they still had to agree to the financials, I would ask my eldest who lives full time with me that I wanted some privacy (he would go to his dad's.

He did ask why he couldn't meet him and I said because it was just someone I was getting to know and it would be too full on to meet the kids. Plus I also didn't want them to meet anyone unless I was serious.

However, I think in your circumstances with 3 of them at home I wouldn't bring them back. But if you do then just tell them that you want some privacy and if they question it then just explain why.