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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU - bf of 8 months doesn't take an interest in my friends

44 replies

flowersrain1 · 07/12/2021 05:06

Ok I've been with my boyfriend 8 months and in general, he is pretty good - he will meet up with my friends if asked although I try not to put too much pressure on him to do this as he has social anxiety. We both place a lot of importance on friendship and I make an effort to regularly ask about his friends, take an interest in their lives etc. Our lives are not completely intertwined - we still live separately but we do socialise with each other's friends and family.

Last night we were talking on the phone and it became clear that, despite me mentioning my very close friend regularly (who he hasn't met out of choice - he was invited to her bday in September but chose not to go) eg about when I've seen her, what's going on in her life etc he hasn't really been paying attention and didn't know who I was referring to when I brought her up yesterday. I feel that if we are working towards being a partnership (we have both said we are looking to settle down, I am 31 and he is 32), he should be taking an interest in the significant people in my life as they are important to me just as I do with him eg I listen when he tells me what's going on with his friends, ask about them etc. It also makes me feel like he doesn't listen/place any importance on the things I tell him or say or on the wider aspects of my life.

I have now messaged him to say that I was surprised he didn't know who I was referring to when I was chatting to him on the phone and explained that I would be appreciative if he could pay more attention as these people are important in my life but now I'm wondering if IABU and expecting too much/being a bitch?

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 07/12/2021 06:43

I get what you're saying. You've talked about your friends regularly, yet he still doesn't know who you are talking about.

Men tend to have a few 'close' friends, but womens friendship groups can be much bigger, encompassing 'close' friends, colleagues, aquaintences and 'vague' friends from their past.

Many men can keep 'track of' your 'close' friends in conversations, but get completely confused with anything more than that, particularly if they've never even met them.

Women and men do have different 'social' or 'friendship' styles, but he should still know who the hell you're talking about Hmm.

It sounds as though he 'tunes out' when you're telling him stuff Hmm

Why not test this. Chat to him for 5 mins about a pretend friend, then ask him to tell you what you've just said ?

When he can't tell you what you've said to him, that is the time to say ''BF, I feel very disrespected when you don't even listen to what I say. Why are you not listening to me ?''

Then take it from there. (But keep in mind that you may be telling him so much info, about people he's never even met, that he's just confused about who's who ?)

Goawayangryman · 07/12/2021 06:46

Oh good grief. He isn't a poor menz with an impeded social sense because chromosomes. He is just self-obsessed and anything that doesn't concern him directly is irrelevant to him. Your instinct is telling you that something is up, because it is.

Coriandersucks · 07/12/2021 06:57

I don’t know, I’m not particularly interested in my dp’s friends lives, I switch off when he starts talking about what Jim said to Bob about his handbrake and when he’s going to fix it… it’s of no consequence to me but I’ve always been like that.

I don’t think your boyfriend has anything wrong with him he just views the importance of knowing your friends differently to you.

If that’s a dealbreaker for you then time to move on.

Original poster
flowersrain1 · 07/12/2021 07:08

@updownroundandround lol I love the idea of testing him! You are right, he does have fewer friends than me and it probably is hard to keep track of all the people I mention but this person in particular is a close friend and not just 'someone I know' if you know what I mean? I feel a bit bad for messaging him and calling him out on it but at the same time surely it's ok for me to communicate my needs? Ie feeling like he cares about my life/is listening to me when I'm talking? I just hope he isn't feeling too criticised.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 07/12/2021 07:14

He isn't interested in listening to you talk about people he doesn't know. My DH zones out when I talk about my friends, I certainly zone out when my mum talks about hers.
Don't test him, that's a silly game to play.

Wiredforsound · 07/12/2021 07:24

I’m not that interested in my DP’s friends and he’s not that interested in mine. He’s happy to pop in and say hello if he’s dropping me off somewhere and he’ll come along to a wedding or whatever, but we don’t have lots of friends in common - and that makes sense because we are very different people with different kinds of friends. His are all nerdy engineer types while mine are less serious and ‘lighter’ in their interests.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2021 07:25

And why doesn’t he know them? Because he can’t be bothered to meet them. I wouldn’t date someone with social anxiety when it comes to your friends but is fine with his own.

Thatsplentyjack · 07/12/2021 07:32

God I hate when people tell me stories about people I don't know and what's hoping on in their lives. Even when it's people I do vaguely know just bot interested.

gannett · 07/12/2021 07:47

Completely unreasonable to expect your partner to pay close attention to the life details of people they haven't met, especially after only 8 months. DP and I do a pretty good job of intertwining social circles and getting to know each other's friends but I couldn't begin to distinguish between some of the Daves and Phils he talks about that I haven't met. I'm sure the same is true in reverse.

When he talks about them I pay attention but I'm not exactly memorising details about people I don't know, and I will have forgotten within half an hour of the conversation.

Completely fucking unreasonable to be laying tests your partner is unaware of. Horrendous advice and anyone who thinks it's a reat idea needs to have a word with themselves.

JorisBonson · 07/12/2021 07:52

@gannett

Completely unreasonable to expect your partner to pay close attention to the life details of people they haven't met, especially after only 8 months. DP and I do a pretty good job of intertwining social circles and getting to know each other's friends but I couldn't begin to distinguish between some of the Daves and Phils he talks about that I haven't met. I'm sure the same is true in reverse.

When he talks about them I pay attention but I'm not exactly memorising details about people I don't know, and I will have forgotten within half an hour of the conversation.

Completely fucking unreasonable to be laying tests your partner is unaware of. Horrendous advice and anyone who thinks it's a reat idea needs to have a word with themselves.

This 100%. I can't believe some of the "advice" I read on here.
SexyNeckbeard · 07/12/2021 07:53

My God you sound like hard work

Don't start playing stupid games with him either if you aren't happy then break up with him

grapewine · 07/12/2021 07:54

Completely fucking unreasonable to be laying tests your partner is unaware of. Horrendous advice and anyone who thinks it's a reat idea needs to have a word with themselves.

This. That would absolutely piss me off.

grapewine · 07/12/2021 07:57

@Thatsplentyjack

God I hate when people tell me stories about people I don't know and what's hoping on in their lives. Even when it's people I do vaguely know just bot interested.
This is me, too.

You can have your separate friends, it's fine. He doesn't need to get all involved. If his disinterest is a deal breaker for you, then you break up with him. Don't play silly games.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/12/2021 08:02

Hearing people talk about the lives of other people you haven’t even met us boring to a lot of people. It’s fairly normal not to be keep track of the lives of strangers regardless of how important they are to others. My mum is forever telling me about friends from book club/ WI etc and I would struggle to tell you all of their names or say which story was about which, I can’t help but zone out a bit and don’t follow every detail. You say you were telling him ‘what’s going on in her life’ but if he hasn’t met her why on earth do you think he’s be interested in this? I think YABU and it is actually a credit to him that it’s taken you 8 months to realise some of your conversation is irrelevant/ uninteresting and that he’s been making the effort to appear interested and let you talk about things that are interesting to you even though they’ve no relevance to him.

Fireflygal · 07/12/2021 08:05

I think your expectations are unreasonable. Do you have a family member who is heavily involved in your life? I know a person like this and most of us listen but zone out, her mum enjoyed the chat/gossip so she assumed everyone else would.

A partner can't be expected to meet your every need. He should be interested in your life but not sure that extends to the details of the lives of your friends.

JoanOgden · 07/12/2021 08:06

Hmm. Does he remember other stuff about your life, OP - like the basics of your job and family? If so I'd probably cut him some slack. If not - well, it's up to you, but I do agree that some baseline of interest in each other's lives is important.

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 08:09

Sometimes social anxiety issues are just a get out of jail card. It stops him doing anything he doesn't want to do. Why wouldn't he want to meet your close friends and family? If he's interested in you, he'll be interested in them. He's not interested in them therefore he's not interested in you really.

ImInStealthMode · 07/12/2021 08:10

Sorry OP but you're over-thinking this by some degree. Your DP hasn't met this particular friend; in the same circumstances I'd also zone right out if being told what's going on in their life.

DP and I have been together 2 years and some parts of our social circles overlap and are now well merged to the point that where necessary we'll communicate with each other's friends directly, but others are still not merged at all. He's in a band and I'm not confident I could name the other 4 members, or at least match the 4 names to the 4 blokes correctly.

If he's actively avoiding meeting your friends or introducing you to his then maybe that's a bigger issue, but just not being that interested in someone he's never met (no matter their relationship to you) is pretty normal.

Secretdancers · 07/12/2021 08:16

Well, my dh has never taken interest in my things either.
For example I've been working on this big stressful project all autumn with the deadline being at Christmas. He asked me about my project casually the other day, and was really surprised the deadline is nearly here. He had no idea.
We are getting divorced anyways, but I'd say for you that's not a great sign.

daisypond · 07/12/2021 08:24

YABU. Why are you telling him about friends he’s never met? Of course he isn’t interested and will be zoning out. What other things do you both talk about? Does he engage properly in conversation then? As long as he is interested in you, what you are doing and thinking about, that’s fine. If he isn’t, that’s another matter.

reasysteady · 07/12/2021 21:56

It wouldn't remotely bother me if he wasn't interested in your friends who he hasn't met.

I prefer to keep my friendship fairly separate from my romantic relationships.
Much cleaner if/when you break up too, whereas my friends are for life.

It would bother me if he didn't notice/listen/be interested in/to me about my thoughts/feelings/hopes/fears etc etc.

ForbiddentoForbid · 07/12/2021 22:00

@Thatsplentyjack

God I hate when people tell me stories about people I don't know and what's hoping on in their lives. Even when it's people I do vaguely know just bot interested.
My DM does this non stop.

I don't give a shit what Sandra who works at the post office said about her cousins gardener, or the fact that Cheryl down the road has fallen out with the postman.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 07/12/2021 22:01

I think you’re being a bit silly, I’m not sure why he needs to be interested in your friends. I’ve had a close friend for over 30 years. Every time I mention her my dad says “oh who is that, is she a new friend? I don’t think I have heard of her”

Bbub · 07/12/2021 23:58

I agree with a PP who said its a credit to him that it's taken 8 months for you to realise he hasn't necessarily taken in everything you've told him about people he's never even met 😂

He doesn't sound self absorbed at all. It's OK if friends aren't as important to him as they are to you. Not everyone is the same.

I wouldn't give a shit if my partner just zoned out when I spoke about what's going on in a friend's life... I might just be talking to get stuff off my chest I don't necessarily need advice and his input on everything.

I will listen to his stuff but if he pulled me up for not rememebering later on I'd think he'd lost the plot.

Sorry OP you sound like hard work. And yes, testing him is a TERRIBLE idea.

HorsdoeuvresInTheGarage · 08/12/2021 00:19

Seriously? You expect him to take a deep interest in friends of yours he's never even met? My DH has a couple of mates he sees about once a month. I've met them a few times. I've zero interest in conversing about it the next day, other than "Did you have a nice evening?", "Yes thanks.", and I'm sure DH feels the same about my friends.

My inlaws love to tell us their friends'
business - people we've never met. It's so tedious to listen to.