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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU - bf of 8 months doesn't take an interest in my friends

44 replies

flowersrain1 · 07/12/2021 05:06

Ok I've been with my boyfriend 8 months and in general, he is pretty good - he will meet up with my friends if asked although I try not to put too much pressure on him to do this as he has social anxiety. We both place a lot of importance on friendship and I make an effort to regularly ask about his friends, take an interest in their lives etc. Our lives are not completely intertwined - we still live separately but we do socialise with each other's friends and family.

Last night we were talking on the phone and it became clear that, despite me mentioning my very close friend regularly (who he hasn't met out of choice - he was invited to her bday in September but chose not to go) eg about when I've seen her, what's going on in her life etc he hasn't really been paying attention and didn't know who I was referring to when I brought her up yesterday. I feel that if we are working towards being a partnership (we have both said we are looking to settle down, I am 31 and he is 32), he should be taking an interest in the significant people in my life as they are important to me just as I do with him eg I listen when he tells me what's going on with his friends, ask about them etc. It also makes me feel like he doesn't listen/place any importance on the things I tell him or say or on the wider aspects of my life.

I have now messaged him to say that I was surprised he didn't know who I was referring to when I was chatting to him on the phone and explained that I would be appreciative if he could pay more attention as these people are important in my life but now I'm wondering if IABU and expecting too much/being a bitch?

OP posts:

Bathmat1 · 08/12/2021 00:31

Yabu.

Scarby9 · 08/12/2021 00:32

A friend's husband now just says 'Why are you telling me this?' when she starts telling him something about one of her friends.
After 50 years of marriage, he has given up any pretence of interest.

smoko · 08/12/2021 02:15

I think some people just tend to like gossip more than others.

I would find someone telling me updates about another person I didn't know a bit boring conversation wise.

My mum is always prattling on about her friends' lives & I tune her out because never met them so I don't really care!

You sound like someone who enjoys sharing the "girl talk" with your boyfriend, but he isn't interested.

Why did he not want to attend your friend's party? If he didn't have a good reason to then maybe you're not compatible, because it sounds like your ideal partner is someone who wants to mix with your social circle of friends.

madisonbridges · 08/12/2021 02:24

@Scarby9

A friend's husband now just says 'Why are you telling me this?' when she starts telling him something about one of her friends. After 50 years of marriage, he has given up any pretence of interest.

😂😂😂😂 I don't know which one you're siding with in this but I'm a bit like this with my sister. I love her so much and we spend a lot of time together but she does love telling me about her friends. Their lives are even more boring than mine and that's saying something. Sometimes I want to say: "just stab me in my left eye with a screwdriver and let the pain be over." I'm now developing the skill of tuning it all out. I have sympathy with your bf.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 08/12/2021 02:30

Frankly, it's really boring listening to stuff about people you don't know, haven't met, and aren't that interested in.
I have 2 friends who are endlessly telling me all about their grown children's lives, and I don't care.

I get the names all muddled in my head, never know who is the one with marital issues, who's the one in debt....

RobertSmithsLipstick · 08/12/2021 02:40

And man talk "So smelly came in and i said oi smelly, Tony carpets looking for you"
Me "Why is he called smelly?
"Because he smells".
Rightio then.

sykadelic · 08/12/2021 02:43

Long story short - yes you're expecting too much, especially after 8 months.

He will come to remember the names you mention, eventually. He'll put a face to the name if he ever meets her, but unless you're seeing her all the time and constantly telling him "I'm off to see Rachel" he doesn't think about her.

Obsidiansphere · 08/12/2021 02:48

Doesn’t sound like you’re at all suited. Social anxiety is horrible to live with, especially when people don’t understand the impact it can have.

TrishM80 · 08/12/2021 11:46

If I got a text like the one you just sent, I'd run a mile. Too much high maintenance. No thanks.

As for the "advice" to make up a pretend friend to test him, good Lord!

RatherBeRiding · 08/12/2021 11:50

Yes you WBU. These people are important to you - not to him. You're not joined at the hip. I'd be bloody livid if I received a text like that and would be questioning the relationship.

IgneousRock · 08/12/2021 12:05

This wouldn't bother me too much OP. As long as he's nice to your friends face to face, I wouldn't expect him to be that interested in the ins and outs of their lives.

Negligee · 08/12/2021 12:11

I think this is situational. Are you one of those people whose main topic of conversation is what someone else did or said? You sound as if you're a sociable person whose friends are extremely important to you, in which case I would say that this relationship is probably not a runner. He's socially anxious, you already sound as if you're coaxing him out to social occasions, and he zones out when you're talking (admittedly it sounds like a LOT) about friends' activities. It's not working for you, regardless of who's right or wrong.

BigFatLiar · 08/12/2021 12:25

He's interested in you and not your friends.

As someone has already said a lot of men have a totally different idea of dealing with friendship. OH met up with a close friend he hadn't seen for 3 years (he was best man at his wedding, move abroad). They went to the pub and it was as if the last time they'd met was the day before. I asked what his mate had been up to and he had a few bits to tell, mostly work. When I asked if that was all he just said if anything important had come up he'd have said. I found out more about what they'd been up to from chatting with the mates wife (who I hadn't met before). If you tell him about all your friends it'll be going in one ear and out the other, not his business.

BadLad · 08/12/2021 12:46

I love the idea of testing him

Christ alive, don't follow that pathetic advice.

MWNA · 08/12/2021 12:49

@Scarby9

A friend's husband now just says 'Why are you telling me this?' when she starts telling him something about one of her friends. After 50 years of marriage, he has given up any pretence of interest.

Love this! Me too a T. As are many of the posts on this thread.

grapewine · 08/12/2021 14:23

I'd be ending it if you sent me a text like that tbh. Much too much like hard work.

Chikapu · 08/12/2021 14:52

I have very little interest in my husband's friends, I know their names and very vague details about them but that's it.
How much interest am I supposed to show?

me4real · 08/12/2021 14:59

@flowersrain1 This is a generalization but women are generally more interested in people's lives than men. Men won't tend to be interested iin the lives of randoms they either have never met or barely know. I'm interested in that way but a lot of women aren't either.

P.S some of your friends wouldn't be happy that you are telling another person their secrets which they confided in you.

me4real · 08/12/2021 15:07

I ask my mum about all her close friends to make conversation. But I don't think most people would do that with their mums.

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