It’s me isn’t it ? In a dark place.

[Boyssssssssssss]

I’m a single mum to 3 boys.

Separated from my ex for 2 years. In those 2 years he’s had countless girlfriends and flings. I’ve not had any romantic encounters whatsoever, literally 0.

Ex started seeing someone during the summer who has now moved in with him.

Now when we were together I would have said he was abusive- he was aggressive, financially controlling, deceitful and would regularly cheat on me. Threats of killing himself etc if I left.

I now realise it was me that made him like that wasn’t it. He was unhappy because of me and behaved badly because of that.

He now is nicer to me, spoils the boys, offers help in situations he would have never in the past. He’s so happy with this new person because quite frankly, he’s escaped me.

I know this because a good mutual friend, who I had supported during the worst time in their life, has stopped talking to me. No contact with me whatsoever but continues to spend time with my ex and their new partner.

I don’t have many friends where I am, just a handful of close ones. I’ve tried to make friends, I’ve tried to date, but no one is ever interested.

Last week it was like a lightbulb switching on- it’s because I am unlikeable. I used to think it was abuse but since this “friend”, I’ve put the clues together and I’m the common denominator.

I’ve been so down, snappy and inpatient with the boys. I am thinking of broaching the subject with ex about him having the lions share of custody. That way they would be in an happy environment.

OP please don't think like this. More likely is that your ex has hopefully realised that he used to be a dick to you and that he needed to become a better person.
I can't explain your mutual friend - but i do know that people can be weird and often theres no real explanation. Could you speak to them, ask them why they've apparently stopped speaking to you, have you done something to upset them?
Regarding friends in general and dating - I'm in a similar situation, and I suggest just trying to focus on your DC, being a mum, try to do things you enjoy, and hopefully over time friends/romance will develop. Don't be sad OP, just focus on you and your DC and I'm certain that the rest will work out in time. Good luck OP x

Regularly cheating on you while threatening to commit suicide if you left sounds like it's him.

I mean, there's unhappy. And then there's that.

That's way over the line from "decent human being". If he was so unhappy he could have left, especially as it sounds like he had the whip hand financially.

when we were together I would have said he was abusive- he was aggressive, financially controlling, deceitful and would regularly cheat on me. Threats of killing himself etc if I left.

You said the above about your ex. You can't make someone do those things, unless that's who they are. That is who he is. You can't make someone financially controlling unless that is who they are. You can't make someone cheat on you. Of you were so bad why did he want to kill himself?

This is who he is. He will be the same with the new woman. He's currently trying to impress her (he probably did that with you at the start). But he will change soon. He might be starting to change already. You should pity her. She will soon suffer like you did.

You are not the common denominator. The situation with your friend is either entirely coindcidental, or he has got to her in some way and she's falling for his charm offensive.

Please know it isn't you. Seek our other friendships. And pity his new gf.

Of course it’s not you. They are still in the early stages of a relationship, and have moved in together very quickly. I’m assuming they have no children living with them, two incomes, no worries. It’s easy to live happily at his stage.

People react differently to different people, at different times, but that doesn’t mean that you are at fault. It may not have been a perfect match for you, but that’s because the combination of the two of you didn’t work

Don’t think anymore about giving him custody of your boys, try to interact more positively with them, I think being down and impatient can become a habit, they love you for being their Mum, and they need you.

This friend knows about my exes past behaviour, used to tell me to leave. Said they were awful, told me that my ex was abusive.

I have worked so hard on myself, had counselling. Got a new job. But here I am and my ex is so, so happy.

Was your ex nice to everyone else whilst he was being awful to you? Did everyone think he was a lovely guy whilst you saw something completely opposite to that?

Oh no no no. No, it's not you. It's him. I've had a partner like this, someone who uses every excuse possible for his behaviour, which wasn't dissimilar to what you describe (each 'reason' plausible in itself, but the behaviour OTT even so, and when you put it altogether it's nonsense). Your ex will probably start on her in a bit (hope not, but... ).

Someone will come along for you, in all likelihood, and you'll have had time to really adjust to what happened and what you want and what/who is and isn't good enough for you.

It's him he is a total narcissist.

Stop this now for the sake of yourself and your children.

You are a wonderful person who deserves the best.

Don't ever let another human tell you that r not worth it.

You are the best believe it. These emotions will change.

Thanks all.

I think maybe Christmas has dug up all these feelings, it can be a lonely time of year. I’m so grateful for my boys. Just going through a stage of self blame.

No it wasn't you, it was all him and I wouldn't be at all surprised if the real him comes to light in his new relationship eventually.

Do you share custody 50/50?

Also, he’s had countless girlfriends in two years? 1) how does he have the time with 3 kids? 2) two years isn’t long. He’s going through them quick right? So he can’t be that great if they don’t last long! 3) you got away from someone nasty to you. Be proud. If he’s not doing 50/50 make him so you’ve got time for yourself. What do you do for you? Self care?

No he has them one full day a week with either one or two overnight stays during that time.

Self care at the mo is abit non existent but working on it …. I love reading so bought a few books, just trying to find the headspace to actually read one.

Hi op, have pm’d you, hope you’re okay x

Absolutely none of this is down to you. You're feeling down and really being hard on yourself. You should be bloody proud of yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship.
Maybe you can make plans, even small ones, for things you want to do next year and prioritise yourself more. It'll really help your confidence. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you

Dear Op,

My heart goes out to you.

You are carrying his guilt for him.

He doesn’t sound capable of self reflection- he has just distracted himself by numerous relationships.

You are reflecting inwards but blaming yourself when you need to practice some serious self care.

When your thoughts start spiraling downwards, try to catch yourself and just say l am feeling low, l don’t have to believe my thoughts.

Keeping a journal can really help process things.Maybe make a list of small things like having a bath or doing an online meditation that make you feel you are looking after yourself.

As for the friend.....it sounds like she has taken a side - this must really hurt but not unusual in relationship break-ups. It’s easy to align yourself with the side that seems more upbeat and happy. It’s hard to sit with a friend who is struggling. The fact you did it for her speaks volumes about the sort of person you are. Unfortunately she does not have that capacity herself.

I have been in a very lonely place since my breakup. I have managed to join some online Zoom book clubs and film clubs and have created a structure to my week. Try going on Meet Up...you will be surprised at how many things are there, many still on Zoom.

This is a very difficult time of year for single parents and people on their own. Keep posting on here and you will get lots of support.

xx

Op I was in a very similar situation but I was the girlfriend after my ex had left his long term partner. The fact your ex had so many girlfriends in 2 years says more about him than you think.

After a year, even after he painted a colourful picture of his ex and how she was this horrible woman I slowly realised what he said and did didn’t match and he was moving far too quickly. Classic narcisstic behaviour, please read up on it to give you some clarity.

The fact he’s gone through so many women means that they all have realised what he was really like and he’s had to move on fast, these type of people can’t be on their own and they can’t bear to be by themselves. As for the current girlfriend, feel pity for her but also be grateful she’s kept him away from other women!

Even though my ex told me all these stories about his former partner, speaking to other mutual friends and acquaintances they couldn’t understand why he was saying these things and I realised on my own he was lying. She never knew that these people were being positive about her as they didn’t want to get involved.

Don’t assume that everyone hates you, and the mutual friend that is being funny with you he’s a) told them lies and got them under his spell too or b) just like him which you don’t want to be around anyway.

Keep venting on here if you need, but please don’t give him more custody of the kids based on what’s he’s telling you.

No. Its not you. Everyone who's been through similar doubts post-abusive relationship can tell you, whatever you were or are like.... noone can make anyone be a bastard. Its like if you made several people a bit upset or angry and then one of them went out and kicked a puppy. Most people just couldn't do that, wouldn't sink that low. Some people can. No amount of shiny new relationship can change someones propensity towards abuse and manipulation. They met in summer, thats a few months and now they're moving in. Fast mover. Of course he's being wonderful to you and the kids all of a sudden (not enough to have them more than a day a week of course) its all part of the image of perfect man, perfect dad.

You're 2 years out and all you're seeing here is the lovebombing and PR campaign phase. Its really simple. Give it a few more years and you'll see the same man you saw before. And your mutual freind will too

“Absolutely none of this is down to you. You're feeling down and really being hard on yourself. You should be bloody proud of yourself for getting out of an abusive relationship.
Maybe you can make plans, even small ones, for things you want to do next year and prioritise yourself more. It'll really help your confidence. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you”

This. His behaviour was entirely on him. The fact that you think it was you is actually further evidence that he was abusive - that’s his voice in your head telling you that it’s your fault he behaved incredibly badly. It never was. It’s good that he’s behaving decently to you now but as a PP said, it could be because he has realised how badly he behaved to you before.

It’s very hard work for you at the moment because you are looking after 3 young children. You’re bound to feel tired and over-stretched but please don’t change the custody arrangements because of your unfounded self-blame. You’re a great mum - you took them away from a very healthy family set-up where they would have had a very unhealthy relationship model.

It’s easy to feel down in the run-up to Xmas with lots of depictions of happy families but they’re fiction. Most people’s family circumstances are a bit more mixed than that.

Definitely time for some self-care, OP.

Im massively cynical this man has seen the error of his ways. If he had he'd be more actively seeing his kids rather than spoiling them (Disney dad), he'd have apologised sincerely, he'd have gone to bloody therapy rather than dragging his D* around town for 2 years while OP did most of the childcare.

Nope, definitely not you. Please don't think that. If your ex was so unhappy he could have just left. There is no excuse to be abusive. Why was he withholding money from you? Why was he threatening to kill himself if you left? He definitely sounds abusive to me.

Good morning everyone,

Thank you for your messages.

Still feeling really low today. It keeps catching me and I end up randomly in tears. I keep telling myself it’s just a phase and I’ll feel better soon. I do have a journal, I’ve had it for months now but not being able to bring myself to write in it. No idea why.

I guess with the mutual friend, just can’t believe they know all about exes behaviour to me but still I’m the one they don’t speak with. It hurts a lot and has made my low feelings toward ex situation a lot, lot worse. Just can’t see how this isn’t about me but I’m trying :)

@Boyssssssssssss please please don't think it's you! My exH and I parted amicably after 20 years together and it still cut me to the core when he was dating and introducing women to our admittedly older teen children within a year. ( It took me nearly 2 years to pluck up the courage to go out again never mind date! ) My ex is now 'happily' remarried (4 years after we split) but the happiness is only what everyone else sees. No one else sees the endless rows about money, his irresponsibility and general idiocy, the fact that she won't 'allow' our kids there for dinner for more than 2 hours etc etc. When we split a lot of people that I thought were my friends became close friends with him and now by extension her. That really hurt but tbh they obviously weren't proper friends were they?.

you are allowed to feel hurt that he's moved on. You are allowed to grieve, not for the relationship that is lost but for the future together that you thought you had. This is normal. its a massive change to get your head around especially when there are children involved - mine are adults now but I'm still the one having to fund a big enough house so they can call it home and have a base there. Still the one shouldering all the emotional stuff, giving them a decent Christmas and proper birthday celebrations/gifts.

I guess what I'm blathering on about is this - you are still in the grieving period for your relationship (not necessarily the man!). Give yourself time. Love your children. The fact that you have them there and are there for them is what they will remember and value as they get older. Not the tosspot father that could only be bothered to see them every few days.

I guess with the mutual friend, just can’t believe they know all about exes behaviour to me but still I’m the one they don’t speak with.

They don't sound like a very good friend, OP. I know it hurts now but it really is a blessing in disguise.

Please, please do yourself a favour, buy and read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft for Christmas! This is all him. Your ex definitely sounds abusive. He seems happy for now to an outsider but it won’t last. And you have no idea how things are behind closed doors. I really think the book will help you to understand his behaviour and realise that you are free. (I am currently reading it and looking for my freedom).