It’s me isn’t it ? In a dark place.

[Boyssssssssssss]

I’m a single mum to 3 boys.

Separated from my ex for 2 years. In those 2 years he’s had countless girlfriends and flings. I’ve not had any romantic encounters whatsoever, literally 0.

Ex started seeing someone during the summer who has now moved in with him.

Now when we were together I would have said he was abusive- he was aggressive, financially controlling, deceitful and would regularly cheat on me. Threats of killing himself etc if I left.

I now realise it was me that made him like that wasn’t it. He was unhappy because of me and behaved badly because of that.

He now is nicer to me, spoils the boys, offers help in situations he would have never in the past. He’s so happy with this new person because quite frankly, he’s escaped me.

I know this because a good mutual friend, who I had supported during the worst time in their life, has stopped talking to me. No contact with me whatsoever but continues to spend time with my ex and their new partner.

I don’t have many friends where I am, just a handful of close ones. I’ve tried to make friends, I’ve tried to date, but no one is ever interested.

Last week it was like a lightbulb switching on- it’s because I am unlikeable. I used to think it was abuse but since this “friend”, I’ve put the clues together and I’m the common denominator.

I’ve been so down, snappy and inpatient with the boys. I am thinking of broaching the subject with ex about him having the lions share of custody. That way they would be in an happy environment.

I would guess that in the case of the mutual friend you are the victim of a smear campaign. The ex may be 'nicer' on the surface but he has possibly invented some awful things about you to other people to escape responsibility for his own abuse.

Hi op. How’s your day been today? I hope you’re feeling better. You can see from the posts on here it’s pretty unanimous and I hope you can see how much you’re better off without him in time. I feel for you, I really do.

Hi op how have you been today?

Sorry,posted twice as the last post had an error!!

Hi everyone,

Thank you for taking time out of your day to comment on this thread. I really do appreciate it.

I’m still feeling about down but had a really busy day at work and my Christmas tree was delivered this evening so been busying myself with hoovering up all the bloody needles

Thank you for making me feel less alone. I am hoping I feel more like myself in the next few days xxx

It takes time. The low feelings and emotions will past I promise.
Just hang on in there.

If he is a good father to the boys then I would encourage him to have more contact and responsibility for them.

It sounds to me that you don't have any time to look after yourself or for a social life or hobbies etc.

The benefit of splitting up (apart from he can't abuse you anymore) mean you could have more child-free time to enjoying the things that would bring you pleasure?

Obviously if he's not providing good care to the children then this isn't a goer - but it sounds like you are happy with him as a parent?

In those 2 years he’s had countless girlfriends and flings. Ex started seeing someone during the summer who has now moved in with him.

Both the countless girlfriends and flings and a fast-forward romance are major red flags for anyone who knows to look for them, which it seems his new girlfriend doesn't.

I now realise it was me that made him like that wasn’t it. He was unhappy because of me and behaved badly because of that.

Being unhappy in a relationship does not make someone aggressive, financially controlling, deceitful etc. They do that because that is who they are. I was unhappy in my last relationship (because of behaviours similar to your exes). But I did not show him the same disrespect he showed me because that's not who I am.

He now is nicer to me, spoils the boys, offers help in situations he would have never in the past. He’s so happy with this new person because quite frankly, he’s escaped me.

It's more likely because he's showing off to his new girlfriend and wants to convince her that he's a great dad and an amicable ex. Once he has her trapped with a baby, the act will fall away, though she'll probably keep pretending everything's fine (the same way I expect you did) for ages until she's completely broken down.

Not sure what the deal is with your mutual friend but it's quite possible your ex is poisoning them against you. You could ask politely if you've done something to upset them and if they ignore or brush you off, just say you miss them and wish them well. Time will be on your side here.

Don't, for god's sake, offer your ex more custody. You'll literally just be throwing your kids back into the lion's den and risking their stability again when his new relationship almost inevitably falls apart in time.

Incidentally, spoiling the boys isn't at all the same thing as being a good parent.

Good parents provide stability, approval, guidance, good role-modelling, appropriate praise (not OTT and telling the kids they're the best), think of their children before themselves, and they do this day in, day out, year in, year out.

A flurry of treats and Disney dad behaviour now that he's moved his summer fling in isn't a transformation. Parenting is a long game.

I guess with the mutual friend, just can’t believe they know all about exes behaviour to me but still I’m the one they don’t speak with.

Genders reversed, but I had a friend like that. A really close one, who I'd known for over a decade. So he was one of the people I shared the gory details of my ex's gaslighting behaviour and knew exactly what had gone down. A few months later, lo and behold, I discover him on Facebook having a flirty conversation with my ex (I'm guessing he hadn't clocked that, because I was friends with him, I could read their posts on her profile, even though I was no longer friends with her). Bar-steward had even wished her Happy Birthday but hadn't bothered on mine.

Let's just say he's no longer on the Christmas Card list...

They say its when times are tough you find out who your true friends are. This friend is a case in point. Maybe he's charmed her against you. If so, give her the benefit of the doubt. But whatever, you do not need this person in your life and it 1000% isn't your fault.

As they say, if you're asking yourself if you're a narcissist, then the answer is automatically "no". I don't know you personally, however from what I can see in your post, your an emotionally intelligent person who's able to self-reflect and willing to own up to their shortcomings. Those are traits of a good person. Believe me, if it were all your fault you would have never had made this post.

PS: if you haven't already visit chumplady.com. Absolute life-saver with a strong community who've all been where you've been.

It's not you. It's him. He sounds like an abusive charmer. The type that everybody thinks is wonderful and hides his abuse from others. His new partner is probably going through what you went through with him.

Thank you all.

I did see the comment that mumsnet had deleted from someone asking why I thought I was in the wrong and that perhaps there were two sides to it and it was a toxic relationship.

Maybe it was I don’t know. All I meant / feel is that he never loved me because of me…. And that’s why he is happier awY from me