Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Did you wait until your children were older to find a new relationship?

40 replies

thefourgp · 06/12/2021 15:06

My ex has very little involvement with the kids. He only sees them for a few hours every second Saturday - during the day at his parents home with his mum picking them up and dropping them off. This will not change. After years I’ve given up trying to make him be a good dad.

I’m really struggling to find a new relationship and it’s largely because I just don’t have much time to myself. I don’t understand people who can date without introducing their kids until months down the line - how do they manage it? Do people just introduce their kids sooner than is made out on here? I’ve been online dating on and off for appx 2 years now. My mum watches the kids over night once or twice a month when I have nights out with friends.

Anyway, I’m seriously thinking about just giving up on dating until my kids are older (both primary school age at the moment) and I wanted to hear from others who’ve done this. I’m pretty content with the rest of my life and I’m okay with being single but I do miss having sex and having an adult to watch adult tv with etc.

Did you regret it? Did you find someone when your kids were in their older teens?

OP posts:

OnlyClothes · 06/12/2021 15:11

I waited. My kids are now out of the home. Only problem is that a lot of men my age (51) are old looking! Unless they’re lying about their age and they are actually old???

ravenmum · 06/12/2021 15:23

I hardly ever see my bf's 12yo, even after 5 years, but that's possible as he has her 50:50 with his ex. We usually meet on the nights she's not there. When she is there for some reason I usually go over late.
Maybe your ex's parents would take the children twice a month at least?

Im 52 and I'm pretty old-looking

Anthurium · 06/12/2021 15:44

Watching with interest!

I'm 40 and recently gave birth
If I waited until my son left home, I'd be 58! I'd be in full menopause by then and probably nut interested in sex/sexual relationship? I don't want to wait that long but equally want to be very careful how I go about balancing dating/perusing a relationship if an opportunity came up.

ToughTittyWhompus · 06/12/2021 15:50

My youngest is 6 and I’ve been single since I was pregnant with her. Her Dad isn’t around and I have nobody to babysit. Couldn’t date even if I wanted to.

sunshinesky · 06/12/2021 15:54

Yes, I am the sole parent to my child and found dating just isn't an option when they're young. I've just started now they've reached their teens.

TinyTroubleMaker · 06/12/2021 16:04

I'm in the same situation as Tough. Have been completely alone and single through my 30s and about to turn 40. I get very sad thinking about it, daily but don't know what the answer is.

ToughTittyWhompus · 06/12/2021 16:08

@TinyTroubleMaker I’m 35 and have been single since I was 29. I’d wager I’ll still be single when I’m 45.

However I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it - I’ve gone to Uni, finally, and plan to do a PhD. Between my 3DC and my education, I haven’t got time for a bloke.

Majority of my friends are in shitty marriages that they can’t leave due to mortgages, or because they just don’t want to, despite being utterly fucking miserable.

TinyTroubleMaker · 06/12/2021 16:09

Tough that last bit is depressing reading! But backed up by a lot I read on here so...

inmyslippers · 06/12/2021 16:13

Following with interest. I've always kept my dating life separate but do wonder what's for the best.

ParkheadParadise · 06/12/2021 16:20

I didn't really bother with any men when Dd1 was young.
I had her at 15 and stayed with my parents until I was 18 when we moved out into our own place.
Most guys I met were put off that I had a child.
Dd and I were happy just the two of us. I had a great family and friends and was happy being single.
I met DH at 28 dd was 13. He did make the comment that I didn't look old enough to have a teenager.
It was about 4 months before I introduced dd. I had to be sure that I liked him before I let my child get to know him.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 06/12/2021 17:00

@Anthurium

Watching with interest!

Jesus, I'm 57 and still have an active sex life! I started dating after my divorce, so from about 51.

Such casual ageism! Why at 58 would you not be interested??!

Original poster

thefourgp · 06/12/2021 17:22

@OnlyClothes that’s one of my concerns. I’m 40 and it’s already slim pickings out there. I suspect it gets worse the older you get. It’s definitely harder than when I was in my 20s.
@ravenmum there’s no way they’d take them.
@TinyTroubleMaker sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. I’m not sure there is an answer except to wait until they’re old enough to be left home alone or introduce your kids to someone new very quickly.
@ToughTittyWhompus I know a lot in unhappy marriages too but I also know a few in genuinely happy relationships which gives me hope and makes me determined never to settle for less than I deserve again.
@BatshitCrazyWoman in fairness, most of the women I’m friends with in their 50s have no interest in sex after/whilst going through the menopause. You must be one of the lucky ones.

OP posts:

Anthurium · 06/12/2021 17:29

@BatshitCrazyWoman

Apologies I didn't mean to cause offence, but thinking about the menopause in particular and the gradual decline of the hormones...surely it would the libido and therefore possibly affect the desire for a sexual relationship? I've read anecdotal stories about women post menopause really not being interested in romantic relationships, I guess everyone is different and it's impossible to know how I'd be...
I've read about HRT etc but don't know enough about it.

Also waiting 18 years to start dating again seems like an incredibly long time ..surely by then I just wouldn't even know how?!

For the other posters, is babysitting not an option at all ? Is this due to the cost or are there other reasons?

MissPC · 06/12/2021 18:12

I went down the FWB/FB route. I only have one day a week when I am child free and not working, do not have time to build any meaningful relationship but want sex. I am a similar age to you and couldn’t imagine not having sex for 10+ years.

TurnUpTurnip · 06/12/2021 18:19

No I haven’t used having no time for myself as an excuse to introduce people early to my kids, I’ve been on my own for 5 years as my ex doesn’t see the kids at all so never have any time to date not even a few hours as he is Fully absent and I have no one to look after them for me to date which means I can’t

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 06/12/2021 18:20

I could only leave the children with a babysitter twice a week. 6 years various FWB, 4 year live apart relationship and then I remarried - massive mistake.

Now in my 60s and still FWB, but the children moved out years ago. And yes, OnlyClothes, all the men on OLD are lying about their age - makes it irritatingly difficult to find my peer group as they are all pretending to be 58!

TurnUpTurnip · 06/12/2021 18:22

I don’t have FWB personally just not my thing.

bubblebath62636 · 06/12/2021 18:28

It depends on how much free time you have I think.

I was a single parent before meeting DH. My mum or EXMIL always have DC to sleep every weekend. When I first started dating DH i used to spend the weekend at his or vice versa. After about 6 months he stayed at mine when DC where in bed. A year in he stayed during the week a few times a week.

If i hadn't of had the free time I'd still be single, i enjoyed the dating part!

LocalHobo · 06/12/2021 18:29

Bloody hell I'd be 58! I'd be in full menopause by then and probably nut interested in sex/sexual relationship You are correct @BatshitCrazyWoman about the casual ageism.
Let me reassure you @thefourgp, my 50's friends and I are still up for romance and sex (no HRT required for me either)

Anthurium · 06/12/2021 18:34

@MissPC

Thank you @MissPC

It's good to hear how people manage sex/special desire/intimacy aspect of their lives.

Funnily enough, I used to have a FWB but this was before having a child (I'm a solo mother by choice) and then it was because I couldn't find a suitable partner to have a family with. Now, it seems I'd have to revert back to a FWB as it'd be really difficult to find time to develop an intimate relationship...

BraveGoldie · 06/12/2021 21:03

I started dating 2 years after divorce, when my dd was 8. She didn't meet anyone until I found the right man. Now 4 happy years in, he adds a huge amount to her life for the better. It makes me so sad the thought of women losing decades of their life alone, if they don't want to be.

My dd's life is way better. Partly through him himself. Partly through having a fully happy, better rested mum. Partly through having a happy relationship example to grow up with.

I know it is really hard to find the right man and I feel very lucky that I did. I also totally respect if people want to be single. But I am very sad for those who decide to shut that part down as a sacrifice to protect their children.

BraveGoldie · 06/12/2021 21:09

Also should say it must be terribly hard if you are always with the children. I don't know what the answer to that is. I am very lucky (shouldn't be lucky but I realise it is) that DD's dad has her plenty, so that part was fine.

So to clarify my post is in reaction to what I hear a lot on here, that women choose not to bring a man in for the sake of the children. I understand it can go pear-shaped, but there is also potential big upside......

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/12/2021 21:12

I’m curious too
I’ve just hired some babysitters
I’d like a fwb with another single dad (exclusive )
That’s the dream , someone like me who understands and maybe when kids are older ….
I did actually find one but he’s in another country so need to look UK i think

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/12/2021 21:14

But I am very sad for those who decide to shut that part down as a sacrifice to protect their children

Is that it , or just limited time and childcare?
I think also heavy judgement is weighed in women bringing in strange men to their home and kids

SecretWitch · 06/12/2021 21:15

@LocalHobo

Bloody hell I'd be 58! I'd be in full menopause by then and probably nut interested in sex/sexual relationship You are correct *@BatshitCrazyWoman* about the casual ageism. Let me reassure you *@thefourgp*, my 50's friends and I are still up for romance and sex (no HRT required for me either)

I’m 56 and have just started seeing someone. All the tingles are still active and present.

Flip

1 2