Should I ask him again?

[Oddsocks06]

I'm 15 months into a connection and 6 months into a relationship. The only issue is he has an ex who still keeps in touch. I know he massively struggled with their split. There are things of her still around that I'd rather not see. It's been around 3 years they split and 2 since he moved out.

They decided after all the bitterness settled to become friends. Only I think it's actually that someone or both of them couldn't deal with being completely detached and they fell into a pattern for comfort.

The problem is she's been abit of a pain in the bum since we became more official. She's made comments. She's been texting him. She's been causing me to feel awkward and uneasy the last year..he has mentioned her alot more than the average person would bring up an ex.

6 weeks ago I was ready to end it but we had a massive heart to heart. It helped me see that their relationship wasn't that great. Within 2 weeks he blocked her on all social media platforms and he stopped mentioning her. He said he was fed up of her spying on him..

Anyway she sent him a message last week to say hello. I felt myself get frustrated again. Its been stewing inside me for the last week. I am worried they've had a catch up through messages. He's mentioned her a couple of times again this week and I've felt myself get tense.

I've sent him a text to say I'd like to talk to him when I see him again.

I want to explain to him that even though we've talked about it and agreed I now understood she's no threat to me, I'm struggling with what seems like games and drama still between them. I'm really unsure how to word it though as I don't believe he wants her back but I believe whether I like it or not he wants this bond with her. He's choosing to have his ex in touch with him who's making his new girlfriend feel rubbish.

How should I word it?

I’d word it “this isn’t working out for me, take care”. Honestly you can’t police this friendship he has with her, and it’s clearly important to him for some reason, so let him get on with it and see if he can find a girlfriend willing to put up with it. I couldn’t. And I say that as someone who does hear WAAAY too much about my DP’s ex but only because they share children so she has to be in his life. If he was just choosing to keep her around while she made snidey comments about our relationship and texted him all the time I’d tell her she was welcome to him. Why isn’t he taking your feelings about this into consideration?

Why are things of hers still around if he was the one who moved out?

If you've told him it makes you feel shit and he's doing it anyway, then the behaviour is more important to him than you feeling ok.

He's perfectly entitled to be friends with whomever he wishes, and you are perfectly entitled not to like it. But if you don't like it, you can only change your own behaviour, not his. State your boundaries.

'I don't want to hear about x, so if you talk about her, I'm going to walk away'

'I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who mentions their ex all the time, so if you keep doing it, I'm going to be backing away from this relationship'.

Work your boundaries out, then make sure he knows you're not trying to control him, but you have limits. Let him make the decision, via his subsequent actions, about whether the relationship continues.

'this isn’t working out for me, take care'

By pangolin.

Seems about right. My version was shorter & more sweary ending in off.

You've told him, he's chosen her (in whatever capacity) over you. Tell him he's welcome to carry on flogging a dead horse, but you're not waiting around while he does it!

It's not easy, but it's important.

@RaisedByPangolins

I’d word it “this isn’t working out for me, take care”. Honestly you can’t police this friendship he has with her, and it’s clearly important to him for some reason, so let him get on with it and see if he can find a girlfriend willing to put up with it. I couldn’t. And I say that as someone who does hear WAAAY too much about my DP’s ex but only because they share children so she has to be in his life. If he was just choosing to keep her around while she made snidey comments about our relationship and texted him all the time I’d tell her she was welcome to him. Why isn’t he taking your feelings about this into consideration?

This. Theres is no point in trying to force someone to stop contact with someone else if they want to continue. Either you accept this friendship that you believe is no threat to you (I disagree, I think it actually is) or you end it with him (which in your shoes i would do).

It should still be fun and lovely at this stage. Not an effort, and making you (quite reasonably) suspicious.

I’d think about calling it a day tbh

She's been causing me to feel awkward and uneasy the last year

How? Or is it actually that he has been? And that's why you need to break if off.

Either he's being weird in which case he's not ready for a relationship. Or you're jealous and paranoid, in which case you're not. Or both, the perfect storm.

I agree that you should just tell him it's not working for you. If you tell him why it'll be "we're just friends" "there's nothing going on" "if I wanted to be with her I would" but he's not over her.

He’s still hoping she’ll come back to him and is settling for any crumb of attention she throws him. Are you happy being second best?

The only way to deal with this, is to have a true and honest conversation with your partner, and for him to be truly open about his ex.etc. Lots of people will still communicate with an ex partner for various reasons, so nothing wrong with this, unless someone in a past relationship shows signs of overstepping the mark in any coversations they may have together.

Jesus Christ, I felt exhausted just reading that. It is NOT supposed to be this difficult, and you DO NOT keep someone in your life this much if you no longer have feelings for them – he should be completely indifferent about her. Cut your losses and find someone who is emotional available to you.

I'm half way through messaging him about it as he didn't call me. He's being fairly patient at the moment and saying she's history and just a friend and it was a simple message to say hi. He said she knows we are in a proper relationship.

I've just sent back the reasons the relationship between them seems odd and her reactions at him moving on after 3 years. Told him that I don't particularly see what he's getting from his friendship with her as blocking her and snide digs about the others relationship doesn't seem like anything other than jealousy. Will see. I feel bad doing this but he needs to decide whether he wants to make this work with Me or if this thing with his ex means more to him. He's gone down a really weird road with her and I have no idea why he thinks any of it is acceptable. But the more times we have this conversation the more he's going to resent me. We can't make it work if he thinks he can juggle this.

I'd like to know why he isn't phased that she wasn't nice about me. Most men wouldn't tolerate that.

Oh men are like that, unfortunately I am married to one - and it's been 10 years that we've been together. I don't think we will make it to 11. Life is too short to battle with someone's past.

Are you me? I'm a year into a relationship with a man who has a weirdly close relationship with his ex-wife (also 3 years since they split). I know they text regularly and I know he meets her sometimes, but he now refuses to share any details of that, including even when they are meeting. It makes me feel very insecure and paranoid. He says she's been part of his life for his entire adulthood (they were together nearly 40 years) and he finds it difficult to walk away from his longest-standing friend. Doesn't make me feel good though.

Unless there are children involved (doesn't seem like there is?), there's no reason to be in such close contact with an ex partner 3 years after a break up...You can't work towards a future with someone if you're still stuck in the past. And for whatever reason, this man doesn't seem to want to move onwards and upwards - and hasn't done the emotional work necessary to stop his emotional dependence on her.

Clearly their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, and I don't blame you. However, if he cannot see how unhealthy their relationship is himself, there's nothing you can do. So you need to be prepared to walk away. And you'll find life is a lot easier and happier when you're not living in constant dread of this unknown quantity in your relationship.

I think you already have your answer but you’re unwilling to accept it. His actions are speaking volumes.

@Lonelylonelylonely
It's nice to not feel alone. I've never met anyone in such a bizarre set up. If they were friends you'd think she'd be happy to say hi to me or add me on Facebook or turn up when I'm around. Have you met your partners ex? My boyfriend is very much I shouldn't tell you anymore. He doesn't meet her. He just texts her. No phone calls. But she has some expe.sive plants of his still so there's even a tie with her there still. He couldn't take them when he moved.

He said he knows nothing about her life anymore and rarely heard from her. Said she's history and she's not part of what he wants at all. I asked if they ever had a proper heart to heart after the dust settled and hecsaid no and he doesn't want one.

I feel better for speaking to him and I hope he has a word with himself now. It's hurting me and if I mean anything he will tell her that she needs to back off and if she wishes to be friends she needs to be polite and respect our relationship.

@Lonelylonelylonely

Are you me? I'm a year into a relationship with a man who has a weirdly close relationship with his ex-wife (also 3 years since they split). I know they text regularly and I know he meets her sometimes, but he now refuses to share any details of that, including even when they are meeting. It makes me feel very insecure and paranoid. He says she's been part of his life for his entire adulthood (they were together nearly 40 years) and he finds it difficult to walk away from his longest-standing friend. Doesn't make me feel good though.

After so many years together I wouldn't say it is weird that they still have a close relationship. Try to think of it as a friends' relationship. It's difficult to completely draw a line after such a long relationship, but it's not a romantic relationship they are having any more, is it? What's making you insecure and paranoid is his reluctance to talk about it, so you need to just tell him how his tight-lipped nature makes you feel.

What things of hers are still around if he was the one who moved out? He took some of her belongings with him?
She must have noticed that he’s blocked her on social media. Anyone else would get the message but she still texting him?! I’d dump him unless he agrees to block her number too. That’s not a friendship, it’s some kind of toxic mess.

But she has some expe.sive plants of his still so there's even a tie with her there still. He couldn't take them when he moved.

So, he can fetch them ASAP or could've fetched them months ago I assume, so that's no excuse.

@Oddsocks06

I'm half way through messaging him about it as he didn't call me. He's being fairly patient at the moment and saying she's history and just a friend and it was a simple message to say hi. He said she knows we are in a proper relationship.

I've just sent back the reasons the relationship between them seems odd and her reactions at him moving on after 3 years. Told him that I don't particularly see what he's getting from his friendship with her as blocking her and snide digs about the others relationship doesn't seem like anything other than jealousy. Will see. I feel bad doing this but he needs to decide whether he wants to make this work with Me or if this thing with his ex means more to him. He's gone down a really weird road with her and I have no idea why he thinks any of it is acceptable. But the more times we have this conversation the more he's going to resent me. We can't make it work if he thinks he can juggle this.

I'd like to know why he isn't phased that she wasn't nice about me. Most men wouldn't tolerate that.

Because he doesn’t give a shit? Its obvious to everyone here except you.

The plants might be hot-house plants or such-like and his place might not be suitable. So, there might be an excuse!

@SweetBabyCheeses99

He took 3 framed photos of them gazing into the distance and kissing at a wedding from 2012. When we first met and wasn't a thing they were still on his walls. He took them down before we got together but he's only pushed them at the side of his cabinet. He has a painting she got him and a lamp which I understand. His numberplate is their Initials but he insists it was her and he cringed at it. The worst thing is when they split he got drunk and carved her name into the table so I get to see their names in a heart together. He had some of her old toiletries that he's used now. But also lots of his profile photos are still of them.

@Signalstation
I don't think it's fair unless they all met up as friends. They once had sex with eachother and shared a range of emotions from passion and love. They chose not to continue this. Why should they meet up alone and the new partner just accept their boyfriend wants to spend time with his ex? Why would anyone particularly choose to hang out with an ex qbd hurt their new relationship? Unless children are involved it's just clinging on to qn emotional attachment.

This is my struggle. There is too much emotion. Particularly on her side now it seems. I know my boyfriend struggled with their split. I know he has been slowly figuring it out. Deep down I believe he feels guilty and he feels if he stays friends with her he didn't completely loose her and hurt her. He has learned on his own alot this year. Particularly over the summer he spoke to an older lady who dated his dad and she helped him clear alot out of his head. He's told me alot about her which all points to her being very high meintance. She isn't a bad person. But for him she was too high maintenance and he made the mistake of blowing all his money on her. He tried to hard and she was busy with her career. Her friends. She'd work away all week and go away with friends 4 times a year. He got lonely and more and more unhappy. He was always drinking. Got depressed. Felt lonely. Eventually they snapped and had had enough. Heaved out 8 months later and his world fell apart. She kept in touch with him throughout the second year they split. Started popping in for a drink etc. Then he met me. She's never been around since. But she continues to quiz him and text him.

It's definitely a toxic mess and I don't know if my boyfriend will ever wake up and realise that she's unable to see him as a friend.

Let's face it Why would she want to know he's having sex and happy elsewhere. Just like Why would he want to know those things about her. There's a reason people move on in most cases unless it's vital to stay in touch. I certainly don't believe rhe new partner should feel like they are not enough as they still want to ve involved with the ex.

Just my opinion but life can't carry on if you are dragging the past into a fresh start.

My friend suffered through this with an ex.... He didn't have an interest in the ex but wanted the attention from both ex and my friend. It became very toxic as he was having his cake and eating it too.

She cut him loose and found an AMAZING guy who actually still lived with his ex for a brief time, and yet there were ZERO of the jealousy issues because the new guy put her first, and his actions matched his words.

In other words, it's not her... it's him and how he is acting that is the problem.

@MizzFizz

I absolutely agree. He's ultimately the one doing this. He doesn't want to close the door completely. He's always remained consistent with certain things and I do really believe he won't have her back and wouldn't want her back. But I believe he hasn't forgiven himself and still looks at her and feels guilty about his behaviour In the end. I think they both contributed 50% to their relationship failing because they didn't have the qualities the other needed. I think he was massively lonely when they split as no family here. I think it would have been very different if he had family to support him and he'd not be involved with her now.