Should I ask him again?

[Oddsocks06]

I'm 15 months into a connection and 6 months into a relationship. The only issue is he has an ex who still keeps in touch. I know he massively struggled with their split. There are things of her still around that I'd rather not see. It's been around 3 years they split and 2 since he moved out.

They decided after all the bitterness settled to become friends. Only I think it's actually that someone or both of them couldn't deal with being completely detached and they fell into a pattern for comfort.

The problem is she's been abit of a pain in the bum since we became more official. She's made comments. She's been texting him. She's been causing me to feel awkward and uneasy the last year..he has mentioned her alot more than the average person would bring up an ex.

6 weeks ago I was ready to end it but we had a massive heart to heart. It helped me see that their relationship wasn't that great. Within 2 weeks he blocked her on all social media platforms and he stopped mentioning her. He said he was fed up of her spying on him..

Anyway she sent him a message last week to say hello. I felt myself get frustrated again. Its been stewing inside me for the last week. I am worried they've had a catch up through messages. He's mentioned her a couple of times again this week and I've felt myself get tense.

I've sent him a text to say I'd like to talk to him when I see him again.

I want to explain to him that even though we've talked about it and agreed I now understood she's no threat to me, I'm struggling with what seems like games and drama still between them. I'm really unsure how to word it though as I don't believe he wants her back but I believe whether I like it or not he wants this bond with her. He's choosing to have his ex in touch with him who's making his new girlfriend feel rubbish.

How should I word it?

If it was him telling you who you could be friends with what would your reaction be?

Rodney. They're not 'friends' and shes not 'telling him' who he can and can't. Shes saying it makes her uncomfortable and it feels weird and its shit or get off my pot type of thing. Thats pretty basic

If it was the othercway round @RodneyIsDave he'd be sulking or dumping me.
If it was friendship then I'd have no problem. Because a friend would say " I'm so pleased you are happy again I'd love to hear about her, how did you meet? Tell her I said hello"

But her reaction to him saying "don't be rude about Anna she's been good to me was " oh super Anna"

Is that friendship? It didn't make her happy to hear he's being made happy by another woman. It made tap out sarcastic words.

Too much drama and life is too short.

One thing is for sure…he’s loving it.

He has a painting she got him and a lamp which I understand. His numberplate is their Initials but he insists it was her and he cringed at it. The worst thing is when they split he got drunk and carved her name into the table so I get to see their names in a heart together. He had some of her old toiletries that he's used now. But also lots of his profile photos are still of them.

Wow OP this is pretty bonkers of him. OTT.

He's told me alot about her which all points to her being very high meintance. She isn't a bad person. But for him she was too high maintenance

Maybe he'll (falsely) say that about you, too.

I absolutely agree. He's ultimately the one doing this. He doesn't want to close the door completely. He's always remained consistent with certain things and I do really believe he won't have her back and wouldn't want her back. But I believe he hasn't forgiven himself and still looks at her and feels guilty about his behaviour In the end. I think they both contributed 50% to their relationship failing because they didn't have the qualities the other needed. I think he was massively lonely when they split as no family here. I think it would have been very different if he had family to support him and he'd not be involved with her now.

You shouldn't be having to try and fathom out what's gone on in the past or is going on. It's mind-reading at the end of the day or trying to psychoanalyze him.

All this brain power should be going on enjoying and learning about each other in a good way, likes and dislikes, history but without all the palaver etc.

If she means nothing he can throw away the pictures of them kissing, collect his plants and sand down his table, surely?

If he blocked her how is she contacting him?

Omg. WHY do you want to be the second Mrs de Winter?

I don't. You love who you love. We get on and have so much in common. It's just this. If this crap with her didn't exist we'd have such a solid relationship. I am trying to be patient as they screwed eachother up. My boyfriend did have couniclling. He also has stopped drinking as he knew it wasn't doing him any favours. The problem is i sorter met him just after he had got the help. As in weeks. Then we chatted for along time before we had a conversation that we both had feelings for one another and our bond was really close. I've never felt so close to a man before and we are very comfortable with one another. But his flaw is this. He is somehow still clinging to some sort of guilt or he hasn't figured out how to not let her seep into our lives too much. I guess I hoped with time she would drop away.

I do feel I got involved with him when he still had a foot in the past with her. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is as they clearly don't both want to be a couple anymore or they would be.

What I do know though is my boyfriend didn't get over her easily. He still wanted to sort things 8 months after they split because I saw an old status of him saying he'd never give up on her. But that was before he got councilling. I think now it's swapped over and she's freaking out that there's someone more official in his life after her.

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep is right OP.

I don't. You love who you love.

Then you dump who you dump. You might feel you love him, but it's still up to you what you do.

You don't have to be at the mercy of what's going on, you are in control of most of your actions presumably. He isn't good for you.

I would suggest giving him a dose of his own medicine.

He wants to continue a relationship with an ex which he claims is platonic but you think still has an element of emotional attachment?

Then you tell him that you will take a step back until he makes his choice for good. Meaning you can no longer act as his girlfriend in a committed relationship in this set-up. This means no sex and other girlfriend privilege or exclusive dating. Tell him you will remain his friend but until he sorts his head out, that is all you can be. Then you start dating other guys. He will either quickly realise what he has lost and get rid of the ex for good or you will know that he will never change and values her more than you.

If you continue to give him everything while he still sees his ex, you are telling him that his behaviour is OK with you,