How important is fancying someone

crochetmonkey74 · 2021-12-06T06:42:18+00:00

Bit of a long one -I've got a new relationship after a tough time. He is such a nice guy, exactly the type of person that i need (i have the pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men, normally love the 'pining' after them stage) My new guy is upfront, clear and available. I enjoy spending time with him, look forward to our dates, and miss seeing him in between. Each time I am with him, I like him a bit more and he becomes more attractive to me. It's totally different to how I normally am its throwing me a bit. I normally have this pit of the stomach feeling about how much I fancy someone (OTT and unhealthy) and I dont with him. Best friend says that she was the same with her husband and this is the healthier way to do it. Anyone had this slower and therefore healthier start? For info- I definitely do find him attractive, I'm not stringing him along. It's more the physical fancying that I'm talking about.

furbabymama87 · 06/12/2021 06:48

I think it's important. Attraction can grow and usually does for me, but I think there's got to be some potential there and a bit of a spark from the beginning. I thought my husband was cute and attractive from the beginning, but it was 2 weeks later I looked at him and just thought wow you are sexy. And 5 years later I fancy him more and more as time passes.

Shoxfordian · 06/12/2021 06:57

Attraction can definitely grow and become more meaningful over time; I don’t think you need that fancying someone thing to love someone

As long as the sex is good; don’t know if you’ve had that yet?

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 06:57

Yes furbaby same for me, objectively I have thought he is smart, attractive etc each time I see him I think it a bit more. I do see myself being physical with him and that feels exciting. Basically, I'm 46 and have had YEARS of just choosing the wrong person over and over again. Theres a guy I physically fancy at work and surprise surprise he is lazy, commitment phobic, arrogant etc etc I am so determined to break my pattern.

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 06:58

shox we haven't yet, but I am looking forward to when we do, which I'm taking as a good sign

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Shoxfordian · 06/12/2021 07:00

Yeah I think that’s a good sign

My husband is not typically attractive; but he’s kind and has an amazing smile and he adores me. It’s more than enough to be happy in my opinion; you can still fancy Jason Momoa or Tom Hardy if you want to fancy someone in your spare time

MizzFizz · 06/12/2021 07:00

It sounds like this relationship is developing in a healthy way, not an inferno that will eventually burn itself out, but a slow burn. Well done for consciously seeking a healthier relationship.

mellongoose · 06/12/2021 07:12

This is what it was like with my now DH. It was the first time I had experienced a 'slow burner' and I remember asking friends about it at the time.

It's brilliant 🤩 and grown up and solid.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 07:15

@mellongoose

This is what it was like with my now DH. It was the first time I had experienced a 'slow burner' and I remember asking friends about it at the time.

It's brilliant 🤩 and grown up and solid.

mellon this is exactly what I want- grown up and solid. All my real life couple inspirations have this yet I choose the flaky 'against the odds' guys all the time.

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Girlintheframe · 06/12/2021 07:20

When I first met my DH in person I wasn't sure if I fancied him but we had been chatting on line for weeks before hand and I was really attracted to his personality.
The more I got to know him the more I fancied him. It was so different to anything previous. Ex H was pure lust. He was however an absolute asshole and abusive to boot.
Been with now DH 19 years. Am so glad I let things play out. He really is perfect for me and complete opposite to the type of men I usually went for.

GreyCarpet · 06/12/2021 07:24

It doesn't sound like you don't fancy him as such. It sounds like you've previously mistaken the emotional turmoil as something valid. This is what it should be like.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/12/2021 07:30

It's interesting to hear how people define "fancying someone". I think the majority of people mean "I find this person visually/sexually attractive" but OP you seem to be describing an attraction (which you recognise as unhealthy) to men who are uncaring and unavailable at best, abusive at worst.

I think people who don't have those unhealthy attractions (and I know mine are a long term hangover of my mum's incredibly unhealthy marriage to my emotionally withholding, abusive dad) hear "do I fancy him" as "do I want to have sex with him", which is a much simpler question.

Thankfully the work I've done in therapy on myself has released me from the cycle of attraction to men who will treat me badly. I now rarely feel physically attracted to people in the sense of having the Fanny gallops - but once we've had sex, if they're decent in bed (which basically means listening to what I'm saying and responding to it, rather than trying to recreate a porno) then that's when the attraction develops for me.

Didimum · 06/12/2021 07:48

It was definitely like this with my husband too and I can also relate to fancying gorgeous idiots before him, so know what you mean about the difference. With any luck, this will grow into a really deep love and attraction for you, which is so much more special. Good luck, he sounds like a great guy.

PumpkinSpiceGirl · 06/12/2021 08:10

I disagree, the spark is what keeps you going through tough times. I married my ex because he was a good guy but I never really felt that way about him and it was 20 years wasted.

Trouble is as you rightly point out, 9 times out of 10 the person you feel that way about is trouble - been there done that too. I think you need to hold out for the 1 in 10 - it’s what I’m doing but I’m not sure he exists.

It sounds like there might be something with this guy but don’t be so blinded by all his good points that you think you can do without the spark.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 08:10

@GreyCarpet

It doesn't sound like you don't fancy him as such. It sounds like you've previously mistaken the emotional turmoil as something valid. This is what it should be like.

This is really reassuring!

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Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 08:14

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

It's interesting to hear how people define "fancying someone". I think the majority of people mean "I find this person visually/sexually attractive" but OP you seem to be describing an attraction (which you recognise as unhealthy) to men who are uncaring and unavailable at best, abusive at worst.

I think people who don't have those unhealthy attractions (and I know mine are a long term hangover of my mum's incredibly unhealthy marriage to my emotionally withholding, abusive dad) hear "do I fancy him" as "do I want to have sex with him", which is a much simpler question.

Thankfully the work I've done in therapy on myself has released me from the cycle of attraction to men who will treat me badly. I now rarely feel physically attracted to people in the sense of having the Fanny gallops - but once we've had sex, if they're decent in bed (which basically means listening to what I'm saying and responding to it, rather than trying to recreate a porno) then that's when the attraction develops for me.

You could have been writing my story here! I have the same type of father as you and also the same type of attraction style. I am interested for the attraction to grow as I have found when I really fancy someone, I immediately feel 'lucky' that they are with me, which then affects my self esteem. I want to have a healthier, more equal relationship

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gannett · 06/12/2021 08:22

OP a couple of things stood out in your first post to me.

One that you described your usual feeling of fancying someone as "pit of the stomach". You might not have meant it like this, but to most people that has a connotation of dread. It's visceral and intense but it's not a good feeling. Just because a feeling is intense, doesn't mean it should be acted on or will be good for you.

Second that you said your attraction to this guy is growing. That means you ARE attracted to him - in a healthy way. If there's no attraction, no fancying, then a relationship should be off the cards. But a gradual, slow-burn, non-intense attraction is still attraction.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 09:10

gannett
Some really good points there- you are right!¬

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altmember · 06/12/2021 09:36

I think it's absolutely fine, with the caveat that there are constant threads on here by women who can't stand to be physically intimate with their husbands anymore because they never really fancied them in the first place and just assumed they would grow on them...

Signoramarella · 06/12/2021 09:42

Love the fanny gallops comment!

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 09:57

@altmember

I think it's absolutely fine, with the caveat that there are constant threads on here by women who can't stand to be physically intimate with their husbands anymore because they never really fancied them in the first place and just assumed they would grow on them...

I guess this is what I am trying to navigate - I want to avoid my normal 'spark' as that is faulty- and I feel it only with toxic men

But I also don't want to make a mistake the other way

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CallMeNutribullet · 06/12/2021 10:13

Op you sound a bit like me, I go for emotionally unavailable men and fine it difficult to feel myself attracted to men who have secure attachment styles. Try to stick with it. If you're like me your brain will be trying to find a way to sabotage this.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2021 10:16

Try to stick with it. If you're like me your brain will be trying to find a way to sabotage this

I recognise this a million percent!!!

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coronaway · 06/12/2021 13:16

I disagree actually, the spark and fancying one another keeps s relationship going when you hit the low points.

So many women post on here of having settled with someone they never really fancied and regretting it years later.

TheFoundations · 06/12/2021 13:32

There is no amount to which you 'should' find your partner physically attractive. Everybody is different. Some people find it very important, some not very important at all. There is no external way you can get the right answer to this question (including MN), because the right answer is what you want personally. It's like posting on MN to say 'How important is it to like raspberry jam?' or 'How important is it to have more than £10000 in savings?' Everybody will have a different answer, and none of them will be the same as yours.

It sounds like you have previously put looks before personality, and chosen to overlook incompatible personality traits because someone was physically attractive. That doesn't mean that you now have to go to the extreme the other way, and disregard looks in order to meet a compatible personality type. You want both.

It might be helpful to think of it as looking for somebody who appeals to you in all ways, so, not forfeiting looks, and not forfeiting character traits. They don't have to hit a 10 on all counts, but if you start seeing below 5s in either their looks or personality, walk away. You want an all round, consistent high scorer, but the person who decides what you want and need is you, not a bunch of strangers on a forum saying 'Looks are important!' or 'Personality counts for more!'

That's just their opinions, and other people's opinions don't rule your life. Do they?

TheFoundations · 06/12/2021 13:35

@altmember

I think it's absolutely fine, with the caveat that there are constant threads on here by women who can't stand to be physically intimate with their husbands anymore because they never really fancied them in the first place and just assumed they would grow on them...

This also happens in relationships where they really did fancy them to start with. Different things are more/less important at different times in a relationship. Nothing stays the same, not our looks, not our personalities.

You stay with somebody who consistently makes you smile (permitting for lifes ups and downs, obviously) and you leave somebody who makes you frown or question yourself or feel confused. That's it. Whether they're good looking or not will play a different part for everybody.