How important is fancying someone

[crochetmonkey74]

Bit of a long one -I've got a new relationship after a tough time. He is such a nice guy, exactly the type of person that i need (i have the pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men, normally love the 'pining' after them stage)
My new guy is upfront, clear and available. I enjoy spending time with him, look forward to our dates, and miss seeing him in between. Each time I am with him, I like him a bit more and he becomes more attractive to me. It's totally different to how I normally am its throwing me a bit. I normally have this pit of the stomach feeling about how much I fancy someone (OTT and unhealthy) and I dont with him. Best friend says that she was the same with her husband and this is the healthier way to do it. Anyone had this slower and therefore healthier start? For info- I definitely do find him attractive, I'm not stringing him along. It's more the physical fancying that I'm talking about.

@TheFoundations

There is no amount to which you 'should' find your partner physically attractive. Everybody is different. Some people find it very important, some not very important at all. There is no external way you can get the right answer to this question (including MN), because the right answer is what you want personally. It's like posting on MN to say 'How important is it to like raspberry jam?' or 'How important is it to have more than £10000 in savings?' Everybody will have a different answer, and none of them will be the same as yours.

It sounds like you have previously put looks before personality, and chosen to overlook incompatible personality traits because someone was physically attractive. That doesn't mean that you now have to go to the extreme the other way, and disregard looks in order to meet a compatible personality type. You want both.

It might be helpful to think of it as looking for somebody who appeals to you in all ways, so, not forfeiting looks, and not forfeiting character traits. They don't have to hit a 10 on all counts, but if you start seeing below 5s in either their looks or personality, walk away. You want an all round, consistent high scorer, but the person who decides what you want and need is you, not a bunch of strangers on a forum saying 'Looks are important!' or 'Personality counts for more!'

That's just their opinions, and other people's opinions don't rule your life. Do they?

Well no , of course not- but this is a forum where we chat through ideas, and garner opinions different to our own.

Love grows. I think it's potentially a bad sign if you fancy the pants off them! Something needs to work in the bedroom but outside of that, the best thing is if they are stable and able.

I absolutely did not fancy my now DH when I first met him…..I thought he was a bit scary and a bit of an arse As I got to know him however, I realised there was a lot more to him. He is kind, he listens, he makes me LOL all the time, he puts me first……It was absolutely a slow burner but we’ve now been together 16 years and I still fancy the pants off him

OP
I think what you're going through is quite common and fairly difficult to answer unfortunately.

It is an importnat factor but it can grow.

Have a read of these:

The Role of Physical Attraction in Your Relationship | Psychology Today
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201311/the-role-physical-attraction-in-your-relationship

Why Physical Attraction Matters, and When It Might Not | Psychology Today
www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/dating-and-mating/201701/why-physical-attraction-matters-and-when-it-might-not

this is a forum where we chat through ideas, and garner opinions different to our own

If you're looking for opinions different to your own with regard to how you 'should' feel, you're not understanding the basic point. Nobody can tell you how much you 'should' enjoy eating raspberries. Nobody can tell you how much you 'should' enjoy attending evening classes. Nobody can tell you how much you 'should' like watching cricket. If they tried to tell you, you'd get a question mark on your face and ask them why the hell they were trying to tell you how to feel. And yet you are actively seeking out outside opinions on how much you 'should' value different aspects of attraction.

How much do you think I should enjoy playing badminton?

Do you see how spurious a question it is? There are no shoulds, with feelings. Nobody is you, with all your experience in life and all the nuances that make you you. Nobody can possibly know better than you. Nobody can advise you.

The relationships you've had, there will have been signs from the start that those men were not honest. Those signs, even if you didn't consciously spot them, will have given you feelings that things weren't quite right. Those are the feelings that you need to use to guide you, and you need to recognise and listen to and respect them, rather than asking strangers for their opinion on what 'the right thing to do' is.

The Foundations
I do understand what you are saying but I am not

asking strangers for their opinion on what 'the right thing to do' is

I am asking for a discussion with people who have been in the same position, or the opposite.
I don't see mumsnet as a place to come to get instructions for how to live my life- I see it as a place to chat through ideas- as do most people- otherwise every thread would end very quickly with someone saying " don't ask strangers on the internet- make your own decision"

Best of luck, OP.