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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants sex but totally unaffectionate

38 replies

Samiamnot · 05/12/2021 22:32

As the title says. DH wants to have sex but he is totally void of ANY affection outside of our bedroom.

I have to ask for kisses/cuddles when one of us leaves for work or arrives back home. This weekend I tried to snuggle up to him a few times while we were out and had to ask him why he wasn't hugging me as I was right up close to him with arms around his waist and he was standing totally stiff like it made him feel uncomfortable.

The other night we had pit our DC to bed and both ended up in our bedroom waiting for them to fall asleep in their beds. I went to lie on his chest but literally had to ask him to open his arms so that we could lie together.

We were on a walk the other day and I was holding his hand but he wasn't even holding my hand back, just kept his fingers open.

It's making me feel so uncomfortable and awkward like I'm begging him for very basic husband/wife affection. When I ask him about it he plays dumb and always says it sreally nice if I want to be affectionate but says he's never sure if that's what I want. I find that so confusing as I am constantly asking him for more affection.

We've been married 5.5 years, together 14, two DC under 4. Always been a cuddly snuggly couple.

WTF is going on?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 05/12/2021 22:33

If you were a snuggly couple before, when did it change?

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 22:43

If he says he's never sure that's what you want, tell him to assume it is what you want, and you'll tell him otherwise. He can't keep playing dumb if you tell him straight.

Do you think he is 'playing dumb'? As in, he knows full well what he's doing but he pretends he doesn't know? Because it that's the case, you've got a whole other problem in your relationship: dishonesty.

meh12 · 05/12/2021 22:44

Is this a new thing or has he always been like this?

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2021 22:50

When I ask him about it he plays dumb and always says it sreally nice if I want to be affectionate but says he's never sure if that's what I want.

That’s properly weird.

I’d be worried OP. Sorry.

Time for a proper chat, no chance to play dumb.

What’s your gut telling you?

HereticFanjo · 05/12/2021 23:37

Did it change when you had your children?

AmyDeirdre · 06/12/2021 00:12

I could have written this Sad.

Was never into PDAs but would cuddle in bed...now you'd get more out of a board.

Following for advice.

Whatabambam · 06/12/2021 00:13

I'm really sorry OP but I would be worried about this change. Reading this sent me into a massive flashback of how my XH behaved and he suddenly walked out on me. I didn't recognise it at the time and you have the benefit of understanding his behaviour in a way that I never did at the time. It gives you the opportunity to make him open up to you. He owes you this honesty even if what he says isn't what you want to hear. I really hope that you can work through this together

PickAChew · 06/12/2021 00:16

I would worry that his affections or inclinations lie elsewhere but he's blaming you.

sunnyzweibrucken · 06/12/2021 00:36

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up reading this. My ex did very similar to ne and unfortunately it was because he’d checked out of the relationship and was having an emotional affair. I hope that’s not the case with you

Onthedunes · 06/12/2021 00:40

You feel he's pulling away.

Horrible for you as you know something must be causing this change.
There are a number of things it could be, illness, stress, a closeness to someone else or an annoyance at something he perceives you have done.

I hope it's something that can be sorted.

Saysama · 06/12/2021 01:06

Have you asked him what’s going on? Told him how you’re feeling?

IamGusFring · 06/12/2021 01:30

I hate to say it but it gives me a bad vibe as well .

gonnabeok · 06/12/2021 01:51

Same thing happened to me too, there was somebody else. I hope its not the case for you.

nocnoc · 06/12/2021 03:25

This is really similar to my situation so I’m following for advice

Geppili · 06/12/2021 06:18

How does he let you know that he would like to have sex?

MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 06:53

Always been a cuddly, snuggly couple.

And he knows that. He also knows that he has unilaterally changed the dynamic, and now responds to your touch/affection like an ironing board, dead fish, and mummy, unless he wants sex.

He may say that “it’s really nice if you want to be affectionate,” but his actions refute that. And his pretending to be clueless about whether you want affection is manipulative. He is actually creating both emotional and physical distance between you, and there will be a reason for that.

Samiamnot, when did this change begin? Can you pinpoint anything of significance that was going on with him at that time? Have you noticed any changes in his routines? How is his general mood?

Have you had any niggles about any of his female friends or colleagues? Does he guard his phone? Do you have access to it if you need to use it?

You say you’ve mentioned his withdrawal of affection, but have you actually had a serious conversation about how this change makes you feel?

GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:55

He has checked out of your relationship.
I’d be getting my ducks in a row if I was you, just in case.

Shoxfordian · 06/12/2021 06:59

When did it change? He knows he’s acting differently with you.

IslaInthesunday · 06/12/2021 07:23

That's odd. I'd be having a proper conversation about why.

maras2 · 06/12/2021 07:28

Cherchez la Femme.
Sorry. Sad

justaskingagain · 06/12/2021 07:31

I could've written this 10 years ago. Any affection there was ended up in him expecting sex which I didn't always want. Sometimes you just want a cuddle.

The dead hanging arms thing is a red flag for me - definite talking required. Good luck.

Salayes · 06/12/2021 07:36

It’s actually really quite odd and uncomfortable to leave your arms hanging while someone tries to cuddle you - you have to actively make a choice just to stand there as there’s no way you can miss it’s happening and most peope just automatically go in for the hug too with people they care about. His playing dumb about it adds insult to injury particularly as you’ve always been a tactile couple before whatever this is he’s doing.

Anothernick · 06/12/2021 07:43

For some men cuddling triggers arousal and for me this can be a reason for avoiding a cuddle in circumstances when it can't be taken further. But at the same time I know it is important to my DW so I go along with it most of the time, I certainly wouldn't refuse to hold her hand when walking together.

As others have said, you need to talk. It's the change that is the issue here, any unexplained change in your DPs behaviour is concerning and should always be discussed at the earliest opportunity.

Seafog · 06/12/2021 07:45

Something is up.
If he has always been affectionate, and now isn't, something, or someone, has changed.
It isn't you.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 06/12/2021 08:05

I could have written this.
Porn was the reason behind it, preferred porn to affection.

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