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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH wants sex but totally unaffectionate

38 replies

Samiamnot · 05/12/2021 22:32

As the title says. DH wants to have sex but he is totally void of ANY affection outside of our bedroom.

I have to ask for kisses/cuddles when one of us leaves for work or arrives back home. This weekend I tried to snuggle up to him a few times while we were out and had to ask him why he wasn't hugging me as I was right up close to him with arms around his waist and he was standing totally stiff like it made him feel uncomfortable.

The other night we had pit our DC to bed and both ended up in our bedroom waiting for them to fall asleep in their beds. I went to lie on his chest but literally had to ask him to open his arms so that we could lie together.

We were on a walk the other day and I was holding his hand but he wasn't even holding my hand back, just kept his fingers open.

It's making me feel so uncomfortable and awkward like I'm begging him for very basic husband/wife affection. When I ask him about it he plays dumb and always says it sreally nice if I want to be affectionate but says he's never sure if that's what I want. I find that so confusing as I am constantly asking him for more affection.

We've been married 5.5 years, together 14, two DC under 4. Always been a cuddly snuggly couple.

WTF is going on?

OP posts:

rrhuth · 06/12/2021 08:53

I agree the key question is when did it change?

thatstheloveiwantiwantlove · 06/12/2021 09:09

My DH is like this too and I find it really upsetting. He was never overly affectionate but what little there was has definitely faded away even more. We have 3 young children including 1 year old twins admittedly - both work full time and are exhausted.

I do think it's a symptom of his upbringing though at least in part - I've never once seen his parents hug or kiss him. Ever. In 15 years. Whereas my family is very tactile - probably overly so to some

I was just last week thinking even though My parents argued they were and still are very affectionate - there is passion there - and I know that they do love each other. I feel sad for my children that they won't see that love between their own parents as they grow up and I'm scared they will think this almost house mate interaction between DH and I is what a good and healthy relationship looks like. When to me it isn't

MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 19:59

Samiamnot, it would help if you could elaborate.

layladomino · 07/12/2021 10:06

The fact you used to be a cuddly, snuggly couple and are now not, is interesting.

That means something has changed. It also means he knows it, but is choosing to play dumb / blame you for his lack of affection (saying he doesn't know if you'll like it).

He has withdrawn from you and there must be a reason.

Is he well? Not depressed? If you can confidently dismiss a health reason then it's to do with feelings.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Tell him you know his feelings have changed. He has changed. He is no longer affectionate. He doesn't act in a loving way. You need to know the truth.

Would he agree to counselling?

Colourmeclear · 07/12/2021 10:21

In your case it sounds a bit like power play. How often are you having sex? Does he think it's enough? I wonder if his comment is a passive aggressive way of saying he thinks you're deliberately asking for affection so he thinks sex is on the cards and then when it's not, you were clearly playing him so he will punish you with no affection at all ever. Clearly that's a lot of inference on my part, so a little more detail may be useful if you are happy to share.

Philly1234 · 07/12/2021 10:29

It’s really import know if this has been a long-standing thing that you’ve recently noticed OR. If there’s been a change in his behaviour.

mumofpickles · 07/12/2021 10:49

I could have written this a year ago he was having an emotional affair that developed into a full blown affair. I had the same conversations as you are having with the same answers.

joysmoy66 · 07/12/2021 11:00

Same happened to me. Husband was having an affair ☹️

Original poster

Samiamnot · 09/12/2021 19:45

Thank you so much for all.of your replies. I've been reading them this week but not had enough time to reply.

I know how this sounds but I sincerely would be gobsmacked if there was someone else.

@colourmeclear I think this is closer to what's going on. He thinks we don't have enough sex (we don't but it's the stage of life we're at, both work demanding jobs, little children who don't sleep well blah blah blah). His solution is to just have sex more but I've said I need more affection in between having sex without always feeling like it needs to lead to sex.

It's like 'what came first, the chicken or the egg?'

It dawned on me yesterday that we'll probably just be spending Christmas the two of us and our girls. He'll spend the day cooking and I'll spend the day looking after our children. We'll go for a quiet, tense walk and that'll be it. It made me well up when I realised and it made me resolve to clear the tension before Xmas day. We're both off work soon so can make time to chat without the children around.

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 09/12/2021 19:51

But he's reducing you to just sex, and what are you the rest of the time? His cook, cleaner, nanny? Certainly not your textbook image of a loving couple.

If he's withholding affection as a way of control to say "when you shag me, then ill be affectionate again" then he must be very stupid. You don't shag the girl then take her out on a date...

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2021 20:18

By clear the tension, do you mean acquiesce to sex you don’t particularly want so he starts throwing you a few crumbs of affection again? No way to live

EarthSight · 09/12/2021 22:02

WTF

Yes indeed. What the actually fuck is going on there.

We were on a walk the other day and I was holding his hand but he wasn't even holding my hand back, just kept his fingers open

This is so bad. There is something seriously dysfunctional about this marriage, or he doesn't like affection at all, or he's gay, or he's having an affair.

he's never sure if that's what I want

Bullshit. He could tell when you wanted affection before but he can't tell now.

To expect to have sex with you in this kind of relationship is deeply insulting. You might want to have sex too, but don't let yourself be used or thought of as a blow-up doll by someone who can't even bear to hold your hand.

EarthSight · 09/12/2021 22:04

I think this is closer to what's going on. He thinks we don't have enough sex (we don't but it's the stage of life we're at, both work demanding jobs, little children who don't sleep well blah blah blah)

Do you think he's punishing you for the lack of sex? That he will keep this up until you magically put 2&2 together and reward you when you start having sex more often again?

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