Partner stopped drinking once we split up

[Beckandcall85]

What do I make of this? We split up because he was going off the rails with drinking, chain smoking, like he was intent on self destructing. Now, he has stopped everything, started running, eating healthily, meditation etc...I’m happy for him because it felt like he was killing himself the way he was living...but WTF??

Oh @Beckandcall85 😔 that sounds painful. And stressful with the property aspect.

I know you regret the break up now but something in you felt unhappy enough about his drinking to recognise it as a deal breaker. Don't forget that.

You would be a fool to go back to this man. His miraculous turnaround will be short lived.

Sometimes the unhappiness in the relationship is the underlying cause of the self-destructive behaviour. I know that for the last few years I was with my Ex we both used to get completely blotto just to escape the drudgery. Since we split my relationship with alcohol is totally different because I'm a far happier person. I still drink, but it's a totally different kind of drinking. Recreational rather than medicinal.

My ex did this! I left him because he was an idiot addicted to Warcraft (computer games) and he failed university, lost his job and he had to move back in with his parents. He had zero ambition and barely left the house.

All I ever wanted was the man I fell in love with. He got the biggest shock of his life when I left.

And he became such a better person after the break up.

I am and will always be so happy for him for sorting his shit out. that was 17 years ago now….

You should probably trust your gut @alwaysthesam - if you were feeling great then that’s a sign that you felt very burdened his drinking etc...and more positive about life - just don’t rush any decisions

Thanks @50ShadesOfCatholic. It was just the way he drank - you could tell he just wanted to escape into booze whereas I was impatient for this rosy future of having our own place - trying to ‘fix’ the situation I think - whereas for him I expect it felt like massive pressure

@Beckandcall85

You should probably trust your gut *@alwaysthesam* - if you were feeling great then that’s a sign that you felt very burdened his drinking etc...and more positive about life - just don’t rush any decisions

very good advice! I'm sure you feel the same, it's very hard when you see them turn their life around as if they've had the kick up the bum and realisation they needed! Out of sight has been out of mind for me (for the most part!) x

Wish I felt the same @alwaysthesam!

I had this with my exH. He drank far too much and the resentment built up so much, I divorced him. It was the kick up the bum he needed to stop the drinking, and turn to healthier ways which has has stuck with and it's been a few years. However, I don't regret my decision to break up with him because it was too late for us - i was always going to be the one he associated with rock bottom, and i would always feel resentful of the good years he wasted of mine. We both deserved fresh starts with new people, and that's what we've had!

He certainly seems a lot happier than he was with me - and I can now accept that there must have been something about our dynamic as well that made him unhappy enough to drink. My advice - be thankful that something good has come out of the break up, but also accept that you LEAVING is what brought this around. Don't take it personally, it wasn't you that caused these problems, but also your relationship didn't inspire him to be a better man, and it obviously caused you a lot of heartache too. That's not the fault of the people in the relationship - just the dynamic.

So leave him to it, and focus on yourself and find someone who inspires and brings out the best in you.

Please bear in mind that running, especially long - distance running, produces a significant endorphin kick. It's not at all uncommon for previous addicts to take up running. He may well have just replaced one addiction with another, meaning the underlying conditions and triggers for his addictive behaviour are most likely still there. Bear that in mind if you consider going back!

@todaysdilemma it’s interesting you said you got resentful - that’s how I felt but I’ve been reading quite a bit of Al Anon stuff and the advice is always to somehow detach yourself so that it doesn’t affect you as much and concentrate on making yourself happy - I must admit it doesn’t sound like much of a relationship - but yes, I really got a build up of resentment that just made me fly off - that and his moods when he was drinking (mainly the next day) could be really terrible and that made me feel crap as well. It just made me feel like the relationship was hopeless, like we could never move forward but as soon as I looked like I was checking out he would reel me back me back in and get a bit better for a while. this time he has put his foot down and concentrating on getting better which I agree is good.I just have to surmise that the relationship made him drink I guess - when he doesn’t have the support - he knows he needs to get his shit together. It’s just that however much I wanted to run away - now he’s gone I’m completely devastated. It wasn’t all bad and I guess I was deeply reliant on him too.