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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner stopped drinking once we split up

36 replies

Beckandcall85 · 05/12/2021 20:07

What do I make of this? We split up because he was going off the rails with drinking, chain smoking, like he was intent on self destructing. Now, he has stopped everything, started running, eating healthily, meditation etc...I’m happy for him because it felt like he was killing himself the way he was living...but WTF??

OP posts:
GreenLunchBox · 05/12/2021 20:09

Has he, though, or is he telling you this to get you back? Do you have evidence?

And if it's true then sometimes people need rock bottom to change and maybe losing you was his rock bottom

The third option is that the relationship was not helping his chance at recovery

ThePoisonousMushroom · 05/12/2021 20:11

Sounds like he hit rock bottom, and the only way was up.

stalkersaga · 05/12/2021 20:14

Even if you have solid evidence that he's really doing all of this, big turnarounds like this very rarely stick long-term. People just don't work like that.

It didn't work out with you because he cared about drinking more than he cared about being with you. That's the beginning and end of the story. Maybe some day he will actually get stably sober for himself, but you still split for the right reasons, and getting sober for someone else never works.

Monalotmoore · 05/12/2021 20:35

Could the relationship have been why he was drinking?

gannett · 05/12/2021 20:39

Sounds like getting dumped was the kick up the arse he needed.

TobyEsterhase · 05/12/2021 20:48

You didn't cause his drinking and you can't cure it

Funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2021 22:21

I was drinking a LOT at the end of my marriage. A LOT. Then, my exH moved out and almost overnight, I stopped wanting to drink.

Some relationships are just destructive. Noone wants to think of themselves as part of the problem, but just occasionally, they are. My advice, for what it's worth, is to stop worrying about what he's doing and focus on you.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 05/12/2021 22:25

It's good though, got to be better than the alternative.

Sounds like you have done him a huge favour.

So often we read in here of posters trying to save their partners when, as you have demonstrated, the only way forward is to leave them to take responsibility for their behaviour.

It must sting a bit that he didn't do it when with you but again, well done for wanting better.

santasmuma · 05/12/2021 22:28

What do I make of this?

Why do you need to make anything of it?

He has sorted his shit out, cleaned up his act. That's a good thing for any person. Unfortunately your relationship didn't work and he didn't do it when he was with you. That's not to say you were not 'worth it' but maybe he simply needed to be able to concentrate on just him. It's not about you, be pleased for him.

SnugKnights · 05/12/2021 22:32

This happened with my ex, unfortunately it didn’t last and didn’t end well. Initially though me leaving was the shock he needed. He had an awful childhood though and couldn’t stay sober because his mental health was so bad. You aren’t and can’t be responsible for someone else’s drinking.

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 22:46

Possibly, if you're incompatible, the relationship was causing him stress, so he was drinking to alleviate that.

But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong; you weren't put on the planet to be his ideal person. You're here to be your own ideal person.

alwaysthesam · 05/12/2021 23:33

I'm in this exact same situation. We broke up 3 months ago and he's turned his life around while i'm still so upset by our break-up.

Similarly to you i'm happy he is working on himself and taking positive steps to do better, but also hurt he didn't try any of these things while we were together, i.e going to the gym, running, drinking less, not smoking.

His rationale, is that he needed a kick up the bum to realise he needed to do something with his life that isn't sitting on the sofa. Sounds bizarre to me and something I will never understand but the outcome is the same regardless of how it's explained!

Sorry you're going through this OP... 💐

Original poster
Beckandcall85 · 06/12/2021 13:30

I think I instinctively knew he would get better if we ended the relationship. He was sabotaging himself and the relationship as a way to avoid commitment. And that’s fine. But it is a bitter pill to swallow. Now I’ve got to put my big boots on & focus on myself but it’s bloody hard...

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckandcall85 · 06/12/2021 13:35

But, it’s not really ok to do that to someone is it?

OP posts:
alwaysthesam · 06/12/2021 13:51

@Beckandcall85

But, it’s not really ok to do that to someone is it?
I really agree, it's such a hard pill to swallow.

I tried everything in the relationship, I was supportive, caring, loving, communicative and he was self/distructive. He told me he felt when we were together he had nothing to be responsible for, the house would always be tidy, bills would be paid, the dog would be fed and walked, dinner on the table... he had no motivation to do anything other than drink and sit on the sofa or go out with friends...

I suppose, the way i've been looking at it the last few weeks is that it really was no life for me, or at least not the life I wanted... I was just living in hope that he'd 'fix' himself and return to the fun proactive person I'd met originally.

It's sad that it's taken for us to break up for him to feel himself again, and to sort his life out but then I suppose that's life, onwards and upwards.

Feeling your pain though OP x

Original poster
Beckandcall85 · 06/12/2021 14:14

Thanks @alwaysthesam. That’s how I felt - it’s not a way I wanted to live. And if you feel like all best efforts are backfiring - then what can you do? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though. But if you really love someone then you have to let them go and be happy for them. Then focus on loving yourself xx

OP posts:
alwaysthesam · 06/12/2021 14:28

@Beckandcall85

Thanks *@alwaysthesam*. That’s how I felt - it’s not a way I wanted to live. And if you feel like all best efforts are backfiring - then what can you do? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though. But if you really love someone then you have to let them go and be happy for them. Then focus on loving yourself xx
You've hit the nail on the head. It's so hard though and I completely get how you're feeling. Here if you ever want to rant!
Cas112 · 06/12/2021 15:55

It could quite possibly be he was already unhappy therefore used these things as a stress relieve. Nothing bad against you just means it wasn't the right relationship for you both.

I looked after myself a lot better when I left my ex.

Original poster
Beckandcall85 · 06/12/2021 21:43

Thanks @cas112 yes he was unhappy before me - split from his wife - 2 kids abroad - so lots going on but I fell in love with him xx

OP posts:
Qwertyyui · 06/12/2021 21:57

I've had a fair few exes leave behind destructive behaviours once I left them. I call myself the Mary Poppins of men. I rock up when they are in a shit place. Take too much crap in the vain hope I will be the one they change for then get sick and leave. After me they settle down into happy relationships. I still talk to quite a few and they have thanked me for it as it made them realise how much of a shit head they were and they saw the light and wanted to change. Some are total idiots and I won't ever speak to again but wish them the best in life so nobody has to suffer them!

I can say I am happily married now with a non broken shit head who is the unicorn of men so I feel karma repaid me for all of the crap I went through. I should really write a book as you really cannot make half of it up!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:24

Maybe try and see it as losing you was so awful for him that it was his rock bottom and meant he felt he had to change. That he realised how much you deserved more than him so let you go. Maybe reframing it like that in your mind might help.

Gingernaut · 06/12/2021 22:26

Sounds like he's 'shaping up' to gull the next victim into thinking he's a catch.

Once he's sucked someone else in, he'll become the cock lodger you knew and despise.

alwaysthesam · 14/12/2021 16:25

@Beckandcall85 How are you doing OP?

Original poster
Beckandcall85 · 14/12/2021 16:31

Hi @alwaysthesam - not too great if I'm honest. There's a whole other aspect to this story which is is that I sold my flat in anticipation of moving in with boyfriend but broke up with him when he was he was drinking non-stop in the run up to the move. I'm still limbo but trying to keep it together. Unfortunately I'm really regretting splitting up with him. I know it would probably be more of the same with the drinking but hey...thanks for checking in. How are you?

OP posts:
alwaysthesam · 14/12/2021 16:38

@Beckandcall85

Hi *@alwaysthesam* - not too great if I'm honest. There's a whole other aspect to this story which is is that I sold my flat in anticipation of moving in with boyfriend but broke up with him when he was he was drinking non-stop in the run up to the move. I'm still limbo but trying to keep it together. Unfortunately I'm really regretting splitting up with him. I know it would probably be more of the same with the drinking but hey...thanks for checking in. How are you?
God our stories are so similar, also in limbo living situation. Saw him over the weekend to collect post and he was very regretful, thinks the break up was decided while he was having a breakdown etc. I just don't see any way back and in a weird way, he's saying all those things but not suggesting we reconcile either. Prior to the weekend I hadn't spoken to him at all for weeks and had been feeling great! The weekend really knocked me back.