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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No deep connection with partner

36 replies

Neveragain85 · 05/12/2021 07:23

I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone like this before so need some advice. I’ve been with my partner for a couple of years but I really struggle with having a deeper connection with him. Our conversations & messages are all about our day & don’t go any deeper than that. At times we have one-off deeper conversations but not regularly. The only time I feel really connected with him is when we have sex. He’s really been there for me & ticks a lot of the right boxes but I’m struggling to understand what the problem is. I’ve wondered if it is because he has low emotional intelligence? I’m really struggling. At times this issue makes me feel like I’m not important & I feel like a bit part of me is holding back & I can’t be my true self with him. I don’t know if I can carry on like this for much longer

OP posts:
Joy69 · 05/12/2021 07:50

Do you live together, or see a lot of each other? I felt like this with my now ex because we weren't seeing enough of each other. It ended up being small talk & wasn't going to change. He couldn't understand what I meant by not feeling connected, but maybe that's where men differ to us?

Gargellen · 05/12/2021 07:58

Two years? How have you stuck this out for two years?

If it's not there by now, it never will be. If you are considering it's because of low emotional intelligence which is the only sort that matters let's be honest, you need to give him the heave ho. He can't ever meet your needs.

SunshineInMyTea · 05/12/2021 08:31

I must have low emotional intelligence because I don’t understand what you want/”need”.

Any examples?

Original poster
Neveragain85 · 05/12/2021 08:31

We don't live together but see a lot of each other. I think it's the reporting of what you did today which I find a bit dull at times. I need that deep connection you know when you have an amazing talk and feel that connection with your partner. Well that talk has never happened. I've stuck with it as he does tick most of all the boxes & I guess I've got quite attached to him after going through a difficult marriage & divorce. But now we are talking about moving in together & I'm concerned, if I have these doubts will it work out? Or do I just have to have deeper conversations with friends?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 05/12/2021 08:39

So what happens when you mention something really emotive that you've seen in the news that day. For example , if you tried to discuss the migrant crisis how would that conversation go? Are you making an effort too?

Also, I agree with you that men can't meet aALL our needs and that's what friends are for, but when you have meaningful conversations with your friends, what exactly is different?

Gargellen · 05/12/2021 08:41

Don't move in with him whatever you do. If is of low intelligence of any sort, you will be his hand maiden only and there is nothing in it for you in any respect. Pull the plug now.

Original poster
Neveragain85 · 05/12/2021 08:45

If it's something emotive he will usually give him his unemotional view & tone down what I say. He's got a very just get on with it attitude, which at times I also have with being a mum, but I feel like there's no room for me to be my emotional self. I guess we are both just very different people

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 08:48

I don't think there's anything particularly complicated here. Nobody is doing anything wrong. You just operate on different levels. It doesn't mean he has low emotional intelligence. Nobody is to blame. You're just incompatible.

imonlyhooman · 05/12/2021 09:02

I don't think this will last. Amazing sex is great but will slow down as you age and then what have you got left.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 05/12/2021 18:51

Are you talking more about not “clicking” with someone? Like when you’re with them conversation comes naturally and easily?

Personally, I love someone I can just chat all evening to about all kinds of things and don’t necessarily think it depends on emotional intelligence, so long as you can spark off each other and feel comfortable that they “get” you. That said, I know many women who prefer a more stoic man - doesn’t discuss emotions, etc. One ex said she felt it made her partner more “mysterious” thus was more romantic.

coolcahuna · 05/12/2021 21:21

@Neveragain85

If it's something emotive he will usually give him his unemotional view & tone down what I say. He's got a very just get on with it attitude, which at times I also have with being a mum, but I feel like there's no room for me to be my emotional self. I guess we are both just very different people
My relationship of two years has just ended and it was due to a lack of deeper connection and things in common. Like you, we got on well and had great sex and he ticked alot of boxes. But crucially it was just chit chat about our days, quite superficial. He didn't like to do any bigger chats and when I tried, he wasn't interested. It's weird now we've broken up as I miss him physically but not emotionally as I don't think we had really connected at all.
BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 05/12/2021 21:34

Is he being dismissive of you and what you say?
Is that how he avoids a deep talk?

HelpWendy · 07/12/2021 01:36

This is the most prominent problem in my 7 year marriage. I often wonder if it is low emotional intelligence but I think one of the posters is correct, it is more about the clicking. I think when you click it opens the door to conversations that otherwise you wouldn’t have or feel the same way about.

I’m married seven years and very quickly in my marriage I realised this was an issue. I fought it and tried to push down my need for that closeness but it’s still there and we are breaking up as a result. We share polities pleasantries and all the conversations any couple have to get through the day. I can’t live like that. I think I’m way half of the world has disappeared, as I don’t get to chat on a beyond practical and mundane level or have that atmosphere at home ever.

If you have this feeling I really don’t think it goes away. And I agree with the other posters, it is the key ingredient that gets you through the tough times. Basically there’s a part of you that isn’t seen at all, that kinda eats away at you.

RacLou82 · 13/12/2021 15:41

I am married to somebody like this. Been together for over 16 years in total and I find it exhausting. He avoids every conversation or talking about anything meaningful. At the start of the relationship it was easier to deal with because we had a reasonable sex life. But now that's diminished I feel very lonely. We are no company for each other at all but it's really hard to end things as we have children together and jointly own a house.

FabulousMrFifty · 13/12/2021 16:51

@RacLou82
What would you say is a meaningful conversation?

RacLou82 · 13/12/2021 17:28

@FabulousMrFifty

It's hard to define meaningful exactly but it's something I have when interacting with other family members, friends and coworkers (including male). Like other posters have said its about more than the mundane everyday stuff. Sharing how we feel about things, a funny story, childhood memories etc, watching the same TV programmes and chatting about that. This is absent in my relationship, my partner will talk to me about cars and gadgets in technical language I don't understand but I still do my best to listen and show an interest. When I try to talk about my interests and ask his opinion about people, relationships or emotive issues he closes down the conversation by not answering or looking at his devices. Makes it very difficult to communicate our needs to each other.

EasyGoing80 · 13/12/2021 20:20

Been there, done that.
Rather than ask OP what she means by ‘what do you mean by a meaningful conversation?’, we probably need to ask ‘if a crisis happened in your life, would this man emotionally support you?’
Sometimes it’s difficult to explain an emotionally unavailable man, which is what he seems to be…..

icelolly12 · 13/12/2021 20:29

I felt like this with an ex, and although we had great chemistry, sex, we got on well etc I felt quite upset by the fact that he didn't really make an effort to get to know me, he didn't ask me many questions about my childhood or opinions on deeper matters.

I guess some people are happy to just talk about the here and now with "what's for dinner" etc. I get that when you're married and know each other inside out, but in the first year I enjoy those 2am chats talking about anything and everything.

GrandmasCat · 13/12/2021 20:33

I was there for a few years, I don’t think we ever really got to know each other. Deep down I know that perhaps it wasn’t that there was no depth in that relationship, we had nothing much to talk about because we hardly had any interests in common.

I remembered one point when I mentioned that he really didn’t talk much —when I should have said it was rather rude not to take an active participation in a conversation— his response was “perhaps there’s nothing else to be said”. I guess that was the signal to run but someway I ignored it.

It finally went down the hill when I decided to stop talking for both of us, and silence descended on us… just like on the hundreds of middle aged couples you see eating out in restaurants without talking to each other. He didn’t seem to be bothered about it so I refused to go anywhere and suggested he took the dog to the pub instead.

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 13/12/2021 21:02

If nobody mids me asking - has anyone ever done the opposite? Left someone they "clicked" with for someone they either knew they didn't click with as much emotionally or else discovered soon after they didn't?

TossaCointoYerWitcha · 13/12/2021 21:03

If nobody minds* me asking, sorry.

Fireflygal · 13/12/2021 21:11

but I feel like there's no room for me to be my emotional self

This is key. A few years is tolerable but longer than that you will feel incredibly lonely and isolated. Get put now as it will only get worse.

Fairycake2 · 14/12/2021 23:01

I stupidly married mine! He's an ex now but he drove me crazy that he would never talk about anything important. In fact he actively avoided it. Often didn't really talk about much at all other than work and sport. It became very dull. I'm definitely looking for much more of a connection for my next LTR

Phrenologistsfinger · 14/12/2021 23:15

[quote RacLou82]@FabulousMrFifty

It's hard to define meaningful exactly but it's something I have when interacting with other family members, friends and coworkers (including male). Like other posters have said its about more than the mundane everyday stuff. Sharing how we feel about things, a funny story, childhood memories etc, watching the same TV programmes and chatting about that. This is absent in my relationship, my partner will talk to me about cars and gadgets in technical language I don't understand but I still do my best to listen and show an interest. When I try to talk about my interests and ask his opinion about people, relationships or emotive issues he closes down the conversation by not answering or looking at his devices. Makes it very difficult to communicate our needs to each other.[/quote]
My DP is like this and he hasASD. His way of connecting is sharing information, very intellectual/factual. I try to meet him where he can meet me. It is frustrating but it is what it is.

ElectraBlue · 14/12/2021 23:24

Why stay for 2 years with someone you are not able to connect with on a deeper level?
Maybe you are simply too different in the way you see the world and communicate and you will never be compatible. Time to move on as it is unlikely that it will get any better...