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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No deep connection with partner

36 replies

Neveragain85 · 05/12/2021 07:23

I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone like this before so need some advice. I’ve been with my partner for a couple of years but I really struggle with having a deeper connection with him. Our conversations & messages are all about our day & don’t go any deeper than that. At times we have one-off deeper conversations but not regularly. The only time I feel really connected with him is when we have sex. He’s really been there for me & ticks a lot of the right boxes but I’m struggling to understand what the problem is. I’ve wondered if it is because he has low emotional intelligence? I’m really struggling. At times this issue makes me feel like I’m not important & I feel like a bit part of me is holding back & I can’t be my true self with him. I don’t know if I can carry on like this for much longer

OP posts:

MsTSwift · 14/12/2021 23:31

We know a couple like this she is so thoughtful intelligent and interesting he is nice enough but so banal says really obvious stuff just not much there. They seem happy though I think she gets proper conversation from friends. He’s nice to look at though! Tricky seeing them as a couple as Dh doesn’t want to get stuck with him we both really like her.

Ilovetheseventies · 15/12/2021 04:13

Hmmm you aren't dating my ex DH are you ?
Sounds just like him !

Original poster

Neveragain85 · 17/12/2021 08:42

Thanks everyone for your comments & insights, though I'm sorry others have had the same experience. Like I said he is there for me at times but the conversation is so limited. I don't know if he's emotionally unavailable or what the problem is but I recognise it's not a sign of a successful relationship

OP posts:

KineticSand · 17/12/2021 08:48

Hi OP. I had a relationship a lot like this too. Ticked every box except the connection on a deeper mental level. I became really unhappy and eventually ended it. He could never understand why. This was just another example of the problem!

It was very sad and disruptive but I went on to meet now DP who totally gets me and it is what I was missing.

gofigureit · 17/12/2021 10:21

I had this with my ex
We just didn't click
I now go OLD and find I can have better connections and conversations with virtual strangers!

I can't believe I stayed with my ex so long (16 years).
Honestly - what a waste!

mewkins · 17/12/2021 12:14

@Neveragain85

If it's something emotive he will usually give him his unemotional view & tone down what I say. He's got a very just get on with it attitude, which at times I also have with being a mum, but I feel like there's no room for me to be my emotional self. I guess we are both just very different people

There's a theory that emotions and feelings are considered less valuable because they are believed to be female traits. Do you think he has this feeling that only tangible things and facts are important? Either way, I couldn't be in this relationship. You want to be with someone who you can talk to about your feelings don't you?

Original poster

Neveragain85 · 18/12/2021 11:39

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Yesterday I told him I felt left out of his New Years plans as he discusses with his kids, then family & lastly me what everyone wants to do. He shouted down the phone at me for 20 minutes for telling him this. There seems to be an issue there with expressing my feelings which seems to trigger anger from him. But you're right I can't be with someone I can't talk openly & honestly with

OP posts:

coolcahuna · 27/12/2021 15:54

What happened in the end OP? I'm about 6 weeks post break up with my no deep connection BF and it's the strangest emotion. In that I miss him physically as he was very affectionate but not missing speaking to him as there was literally not a lot said. As another poster said below, I'm having better chats with stangers on online dating !

Original poster

Neveragain85 · 28/12/2021 22:38

I'm still hanging in there but do feel very confused. We went out for lunch today but hard to talk about anything other than work or the kids. I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry you're finding it hard & wish I knew what to say to help

OP posts:

dotdotdotdash · 28/12/2021 23:20

Honestly OP, you should give good conversation the same (or higher!) priority than you would good sex when choosing a partner. When you meet someone you feel comfortable with and can spark off, you will feel so much happier. Intimacy is all about getting to know each other on a deep level. Without it, he's just like a work mate or aquaintance. It's probably a compatibility thing; it's not a good sign that he becomes angry with you when you express your emotions. I would be thinking about ending it to be honest.

coolcahuna · 29/12/2021 17:51

@Neveragain85

We kind of got to that stage, lots of chit chat but we couldn't get past 20 minutes on the phone without running out of things to say. And alot of his chat was about his ex. Didn't realy realise it until I stopped speaking to him! I'd have a long hard think to be honest. I've realised now that great conversation needs to be high on the list.

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