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Original poster

New relationship but difficult

31 replies

scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:30

I am a regular poster but have NC for this.

I am looking for advice on a new relationship that has developed. The problem is that this man is my exes friend and to see if anyone has been through similar and how they dealt with it.

It started in July, just messaging on Facebook catching up after he split from his wife, which was a while before.

I have been split from ex for 3.5 years if this matters at all. We share a young child 3.5 yr old. The friend isn’t a very close friend, they have spent years without contact and they haven’t really had anything to do with each other in the last 2 years.

None of this was planned. New man who I will call N started coming to my house in September after we realise that there may be something there. Things have now progressed but we have been very discreet for various reasons. Both our exes were abusive, although mine never violent like his was.

My ex found out that there was something going on and hit the roof. A mutual friend of all of ours have been involved and has kind of acted like a mediator. Since my ex found out, my life has been hell. He has interrogated me constantly, asking what has happened, have we kissed, have we had sex, has he been naked in my house. He has threatened to go to N’s house to pay him a visit and his ex him a hiding.

Since having our child, I have not been with anyone else nor liked anyone, this is one of the reason I am not willing to let this go, N is a really decent man and they’re very hard to come by.

Since my ex found out at the end of September, it’s almost as if he has convinced himself there is nothing going on, yet still interrogates me, asking personal questions about my private life, he does know N has been at my house but not the frequency. I have also refused to answer any other personal questions. Partly because I am scared of what his reaction would be.

I am sorry this isn’t very concise, just needed to get it out. And advice appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 04/12/2021 19:33

Your allowed to have a boyfriend and move on.

How does your ex Know he's been to your house?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:37

He asked me and I admitted it. I didn’t want him to think there was absolutely nothing happening as it will be worse when he finds out again. Our mutual friend has explained to him that he has a right to feel what he wants but that he cannot control what two people do. My ex agreed with this but hasn’t stopped, it is never ending. Every weekend I get questions and snide remarks.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:40

In addition, we have all come to the conclusion that he would be the same if it were a stranger. He doesn’t want another man spending any time with our child when he is not there, much less N who he has called a maggot and weasel amongst other things. I am aware how childish this sounds, but my ex is mid 40s. I was not expecting this level of a reaction.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 04/12/2021 19:40

My advice would be that you immediately stop all contact with your abusive ex. It is absolutely NOTHING to do with him whether you are swinging naked from the chandeliers in your own home with an entire football team of lovers. His behaviour is utterly inappropriate.

Can you arrange for him to collect your child from your parents house? Or a mutual friend? The one who is 'mediating'? You shouldn't need someone mediating by the way. Your life is nothing to do with anyone else. I would tell your ex that due to his threats and aggression he was now unwelcome to come to my home whilst I was there and I would come up with some other way of him having access that did not involve me having to see or speak to him again.

justthecat · 04/12/2021 19:42

Your ex needs to mind his own business

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:52

I have tried to tell him that he needs to mind his own business, but he will not have that. He keeps insisting that it is his business as it is a mate of his. I am concerned that if this continues, he is going to cause this new relationship to end from the pressure he is putting on every one. He has spent hours on the phone to mutual friend and N, trying to ruin my character by trying to make out I am crazy etc. He’s called me detestable, a slag, witch, rat. The list just goes on.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 19:52

To be honest if my ex got with my friend, regardless of time frames, I'd be pissed off.

I wouldn't act like your ex but there are millions of men you could choose from. Don't go for his friend.

Samedaysame · 04/12/2021 19:53

Tell your ex that if he continues to harass you and threaten violence against your new partner you will call the police and do it if he persists in this criminal behaviour

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:54

@justthecat

Your ex needs to mind his own business
He doesn’t really have her on his own as I don’t trust him to provide appropriate care for her. He comes to my house every weekend both days to visit and is here all day. He is threatening to take me to court also.
OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 19:58

I have started to agree to him taking her out on a weekend to have a breather from him and also so our child doesn’t have to listen to the snipes and questioning and be at home with the atmosphere the way it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 20:00

@Samedaysame

Tell your ex that if he continues to harass you and threaten violence against your new partner you will call the police and do it if he persists in this criminal behaviour
I understand this and expected posts like this. I would find it weird also, we didn’t plan it at all and I do feel bad that me ex has taken it so badly but I am not sure I am willing to give up on the chance of real happiness with someone so similar to myself when I have been treated so badly for years, but just by this ex but everyone before him.
OP posts:
Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 20:00

Sorry I seem to be quoting the wrong posts.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 04/12/2021 20:05

So your ex spends two days every week with you?! No wonder he’s driving you mad. When do you even get a chance to see N?

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 20:08

@LadyWithLapdog

So your ex spends two days every week with you?! No wonder he’s driving you mad. When do you even get a chance to see N?
I see N two nights in the week at the moment. I would love my ex to take our child to his own house so I don’t have to see him but I just do not trust him. I am not sure if I should just bite the bullet but I would never forgive myself if anything happened.
OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 04/12/2021 20:09

The visits to your home need to stop, immediately.

His piss poor behaviour is the reason. Tell him that if he wants access he'll now need to apply to the court as he is not going to sit in your home slagging you off in front of your child. It's a terrible thing for them to witness.

And why on earth is he phoning N? N should just put the phone down on him.

billy1966 · 04/12/2021 20:14

You continue to be abused by him.

Stop all visits to your house.

Contact 101 and report him.

Put a marker on your house.

Tell the police of your fear.

Tell him you are not allowing him into your home and ring the police if he causes trouble.

He is abusive and controlling.

Stop allowing him intonyour home.
Flowers

spongedog · 04/12/2021 20:42

@scorpiogirly "He doesn’t really have her on his own as I don’t trust him to provide appropriate care for her."

You need to be very specific what the issues are in this statement. Your child is nearly at primary school. Sorry I dont see a family court agreeing with you on this. The family court standards for refusing contact are very low - in fact non-existent. No matter what Dad does or is - family court will not refuse contact.

You will be much better off to agree a contact schedule (including overnights) and then you can start to cut/manage contact with him.

Be in control of what is happening rather than a passive passenger.

Once your DC is away with Dad then there is more free time for work and relationships. Play the long game.

Original poster
scorpiogirly · 04/12/2021 22:32

Thank you all.

@spongedog there have been so many incidents since she was born, she ended up in a&e at 4 weeks old because she apparently rolled off the sofa under his care. So much more has happened, having money in her mouth and he didn't realise, nit strapping her into car seat etc. He doesn't think to brush her teeth or get her dinner, instead he will give her rubbish, one day it was a freddo chocolate bat and a cupcake for breakfast, then a bowl of ice cream for dinner. He just doesn't have his sits about him. Laughed when she drew on her wellies with pen, he doesn't discipline her at all because he wants to been seen as the nice fun parent, and make me out to be the horrible one. He puts me down in front of her. If she is moaning about having her hair done he will say something like "what's nasty mammy doing to you?" etc. It took me over 10 minutes to get him to leave tonight. He has no respect for me or my house and it's getting to the point where I am conscious of saying anything to him because he always reacts to it.

OP posts:
Pascal80 · 04/12/2021 23:50

@girlmom21

To be honest if my ex got with my friend, regardless of time frames, I'd be pissed off.

I wouldn't act like your ex but there are millions of men you could choose from. Don't go for his friend.

Agree 100%.
MadMadMadamMim · 06/12/2021 20:57

It took me over 10 minutes to get him to leave tonight. He has no respect for me or my house and it's getting to the point where I am conscious of saying anything to him because he always reacts to it.

Don't let him in again. Tell him if he wants contact he needs to arrange it somewhere else. He is not coming in your home again. Why would you continually allow someone to come into your home to be abusive to you when they have no actual right to be there?

altmember · 06/12/2021 23:22

When I started seeing a friend of my ex's, my ex got exactly like this about it, despite us being split up for several years. My ex made the new relationship impossible so we cooled things for a while. Eventually we resumed things. It's now 4 years on and ex is still difficult about it, despite having met and married someone else in the meantime. Some people just can't bear to see their ex moving on and being in a happy relationship, regardless of timescales.

Itsnotdeep · 07/12/2021 07:16

fgs woman stop the visits to your home!

block him on your phone or change the phone number. ensure all correspondence with him takes place by email. Keep any discussion to your child. Don't engage with him at all. If he starts harassing you, report him to the police.

Don't let him in. Go as low contact as you can.

It's up to him to sort out contact with his dd out of the house. (he can take her to the park or his house).

He's playing way too big a part in your life for someone you split up wtih 3.5 years ago.

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 07:47

@MadMadMadamMim

The visits to your home need to stop, immediately.

His piss poor behaviour is the reason. Tell him that if he wants access he'll now need to apply to the court as he is not going to sit in your home slagging you off in front of your child. It's a terrible thing for them to witness.

And why on earth is he phoning N? N should just put the phone down on him.

Yeah, why is N taking the calls?

This is so toxic for the child. Stop the visits, tell him to apply through the courts.

Were you together long before you became pregnant? Does he pay maintenance?

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 07:51

Also record him making the nasty comments in the presence of your daughter. That may come in handy in court.

You need to fight to protect her from this abuser. It'll be her he's undermining soon enough.

gonnabeok · 07/12/2021 07:56

You need to stop letting him into your home and you need to grey rock him except for arrangements regarding your child. Can he have your dd at his parents home address. Whilst he has one foot in your house he will always be in control. Let him take you to court if needs be. Who you have a relationship with is none of his business. Send him one message saying you will no longer discuss your personal life with him and you will no longer be answering any personal questions from him or anyone else.

If he persists make a complaint to the police of harassment. You can show them that you have warned him first. Time to stand up to him.