New relationship but difficult

[scorpiogirly]

I am a regular poster but have NC for this.

I am looking for advice on a new relationship that has developed. The problem is that this man is my exes friend and to see if anyone has been through similar and how they dealt with it.

It started in July, just messaging on Facebook catching up after he split from his wife, which was a while before.

I have been split from ex for 3.5 years if this matters at all. We share a young child 3.5 yr old. The friend isn’t a very close friend, they have spent years without contact and they haven’t really had anything to do with each other in the last 2 years.

None of this was planned. New man who I will call N started coming to my house in September after we realise that there may be something there. Things have now progressed but we have been very discreet for various reasons. Both our exes were abusive, although mine never violent like his was.

My ex found out that there was something going on and hit the roof. A mutual friend of all of ours have been involved and has kind of acted like a mediator. Since my ex found out, my life has been hell. He has interrogated me constantly, asking what has happened, have we kissed, have we had sex, has he been naked in my house. He has threatened to go to N’s house to pay him a visit and his ex him a hiding.

Since having our child, I have not been with anyone else nor liked anyone, this is one of the reason I am not willing to let this go, N is a really decent man and they’re very hard to come by.

Since my ex found out at the end of September, it’s almost as if he has convinced himself there is nothing going on, yet still interrogates me, asking personal questions about my private life, he does know N has been at my house but not the frequency. I have also refused to answer any other personal questions. Partly because I am scared of what his reaction would be.

I am sorry this isn’t very concise, just needed to get it out. And advice appreciated. Thank you.

*Yeah, why is N taking the calls?

This is so toxic for the child. Stop the visits, tell him to apply through the courts.

Were you together long before you became pregnant? Does he pay maintenance?*

I think N is intimidated by him. He has grilled him to the point N tells him he will knock it on the head. Of course this makes it worse when ex finds out something is still going on.

He does pay maintenance, but I had to go through CMS. He wasn’t paying a set amount monthly originally, he wanted me to keep all receipts of things I bought for our daughter, inc food and then add it all up at the end of the month and said we would split it. I refused to do this so he wanted to pay £100 a month, refused to show payslips so we could work it out properly.

I’ve read all your threads.

Please for goodness sake stop putting your daughter through this shit. Tell him to fuck off.
Straight to court, examples of inadequate and dangerous care. He cannot care for her alone then he needs a contact centre.
Report him to the police every single time he threatens you or the new boyfriend.
Do not let him inside your house ever. He waits at the door.

Big girl pants on. Stop showing your daughter that it’s ok for people to treat you like this, stomp all over your boundaries and still get to be in your life.
It honestly sounds like your still in an abusive relationship with him, it’s really not normal.

You can't stop him having her on his own because he lets her draw on her wellies. If he is abusive (to your child) or neglectful (and the bar is pretty low for this - slightly shitty parenting is not considered neglectful) then you can reasonably deny access but if he is just a bit crap then you have to put up with it. My ex is a nice but dysfunctional Dad and I send my DD knowing that cake for breakfast is inevitable.

Get your ex out of your house, massively reduce your contact and stop him interfering.

A mutual friend of all of ours have been involved and has kind of acted like a mediator.

How ... bizarre.
Who the fuck is this mutual friend, & why do they imagine it is any of their business?

There is nothing to mediate.
You split up nearly 4 years ago & you can date the entire rugby team if you want to.

Your ex can only harangue you if you let him.
Send him a text telling him something like "due to your continued harassment, verbal aggression & threats, I want you to cease any contact by phone, text, message or in person. The only communication I will accept from you is for making childcare arrangements - & this will be solely via specialist co-parenting software. I am setting that up now & will inform you when it is in place."
You need to do this as it is a vital legal step - police will tell you that you need to have evidence of a clear request to stop contacting you. If he breaks that - it is harassment, & police can then step in & help you.

Then stop communicating with him - about anything at all except DC arrangements.
ONLY communicate via the parenting software. Nix all other forms of contact, block him on everything.

I think you should also ensure that you have logged his verbal threats with your local police station. No need to take action yet, but making them aware could help you down the line.

And FFS - HE IS YOUR EX. Why are you letting him into your house?
You need to sharpen up your self-preservation instincts.
It takes 2 people to pull on a rope. Drop your end of it.
And contact the police, You need proper advice - so does N. I cannot imagine why N is accepting phone calls from your ex. It's just encouraging the drama. DROP. THE.ROPE. Both of you!

Every weekend I get questions and snide remarks.

Because you are allowing your ex to be in direct contact with you.
Stop being so bloody passive.
You are allowing him to control you & bring drama into your life.

Google parenting software tonight, get it set up this weekend, & put paid to this nonsense.

@scorpiogirly

Thank you all.

@spongedog there have been so many incidents since she was born, she ended up in a&e at 4 weeks old because she apparently rolled off the sofa under his care. So much more has happened, having money in her mouth and he didn't realise, nit strapping her into car seat etc. He doesn't think to brush her teeth or get her dinner, instead he will give her rubbish, one day it was a freddo chocolate bat and a cupcake for breakfast, then a bowl of ice cream for dinner. He just doesn't have his sits about him. Laughed when she drew on her wellies with pen, he doesn't discipline her at all because he wants to been seen as the nice fun parent, and make me out to be the horrible one. He puts me down in front of her. If she is moaning about having her hair done he will say something like "what's nasty mammy doing to you?" etc. It took me over 10 minutes to get him to leave tonight. He has no respect for me or my house and it's getting to the point where I am conscious of saying anything to him because he always reacts to it.

So stop telling him. Show him.

It's pointless feeling harassed by someone, then continuing to see them in person, accept their calls, & try to negotiate with them.

it's getting to the point where I am conscious of saying anything to him because he always reacts to it.
Stop putting yourself in a position where you can say things to him, or he can react.
You need to never see this guy again.