Its a long one sorry guys

[mandy20x]

Hi everyone am going to try cut it as short as i can but give as much as detail as i can please feel free to be honest with the advice as i really need it.

Me and my husband have been married 2years we have a little boy who is 1
I work 30 hours and he works about 35hours.
My mum helps with childcare while i work.
But i also cook and clean the normal women house chores on my days of and when i finish work at 7pm every night.
He does nothing he finishes at 3pm everyday.
He's constantly saying i nag at him. And he dont feel comfortable around the house. Because i ask him to help with some chores. In every argument he starts saying i nag at him. He dont like being told what to do.
But am just so overtired he dont help looking after my liittle one. He sleeps in till 11am/12pm on his days of and dont help in the mornings with my son once again.

I asked him once to spend time with our son and wake up a little bit earlier so they can bond together. But he complains about that to saying am bossing him around telling him when he can sleep till. Which that wasnt my attention.

I dont ask for help anymore because am tired of him bringing it all up in a argument
But a few days ago he said to me he dont care about letting the house get repossessed he dont care about paying bills.

I dont know what to do anymore i feel like a single parent i always have
Its always about him and his feeling never about mjine. He raises his voice at me infront of my son. And if i leave to go into the kitchen my son will run after me and not stay with my husband. He dont like staying with him at all

Am I overthinking everything, i just feel like am loosing my mind. I was diagnosed with ptsd after my son. I dont know if am slipping back in to it or even if thats possible but i feel like going in to a empty room and crying my eyes out

He's being a misogynistic lazy shit.

It isn't him helping you, it's him doing his share around your joint home and joint child.

You're not overthinking, he needs to pull his weight. Has he assigned jobs as "women house chores" ?

What is the actual purpose of him?!

But i also cook and clean the normal women house chores

You need to knock this thinking on the head for a start. I'm sure his glorious Very Important Penis isn't so big he can't sling it over one arm while he does his share of cooking and cleaning as an equal adult in the house.

In fact if he works less hours than you and isn't doing more childcare than you, his share of those jobs should be larger than yours in a fair household.

He's clearly a misogynist who thinks cooking, cleaning and childcare should be the responsibility of the person with a vagina in nearest proximity.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks that tasks that are beneath him in his eyes are tasks for you? Who is happy to watch you work longer hours and still do less than you at home? Who can't be arsed to bond with his own child if it means getting up a bit early?

You must want more than this.

He sounds like a lazy shit.
Your son will grow up like him if you also think cleaning and cooking are women’s work.
He probably won’t change so you should leave him.
What benefit does he bring to your life anyway?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He is a lazy bastard. Draw up a list of chores that need done and discuss which half he wants to do.

He will refer to you working five hours less than him as though that means you should spend all of that five hours doing chores so he doesn’t have to.

Make sure you have taken travel time etc into consideration too. And getting up during the night for dc.

Make him do his share. If he is not prepared to then you’d be as well leaving his misogynistic lazy ass and going it alone. He’s just a millstone round your neck. And like pp have said, your children will grow up to emulate what they see from their parents.

You deserve better than him.

He isn't interested in you or your child - at all. He sounds like a controlling, sexist man who expects you to be a house drudge (but also earn money at the same time).
Does he intend to get you pregnant more times and tie you down even more than you already are? Can you leave him and get support from your own family?
He ''don't care'' about paying bills or getting the house repossessed so you have your answer. He does not care full stop.
Is he seeing someone behind your back?
Is he from a culture with built-in sexist attitudes to women?
He sounds nasty and rather threatening.

@RandomMess

He's being a misogynistic lazy shit.

It isn't him helping you, it's him doing his share around your joint home and joint child.

I agree 100% but he always seams to think being asked to help around the house means am nagging at him.

@cheeseislife8

You're not overthinking, he needs to pull his weight. Has he assigned jobs as "women house chores" ?

He was bought up with 9 sisters he was raised to believe men dont do shit around the house

@Pinkflipflop85

What is the actual purpose of him?!

Sadly i dont even have a anserr for ur question

@youvegottenminuteslynn

But i also cook and clean the normal women house chores

You need to knock this thinking on the head for a start. I'm sure his glorious Very Important Penis isn't so big he can't sling it over one arm while he does his share of cooking and cleaning as an equal adult in the house.

In fact if he works less hours than you and isn't doing more childcare than you, his share of those jobs should be larger than yours in a fair household.

He's clearly a misogynist who thinks cooking, cleaning and childcare should be the responsibility of the person with a vagina in nearest proximity.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks that tasks that are beneath him in his eyes are tasks for you? Who is happy to watch you work longer hours and still do less than you at home? Who can't be arsed to bond with his own child if it means getting up a bit early?

You must want more than this.

Thank you for this message, i needed to read something like this to actually realise am worth so much more,

Am just scared to leave i dont know where fo start from or where to even go.

I know its selfish but i was hapoy i had a roof over mine and my sons head but unfortunately thats just not enough he don't appreciate me and i dont think he ever will

@Squeezyhug

He sounds like a lazy shit. Your son will grow up like him if you also think cleaning and cooking are women’s work. He probably won’t change so you should leave him. What benefit does he bring to your life anyway?

Ur righf, but i never want to raise my son up The way he was raised,

I want him to grow up to respect women and appreciate them.

@Elieza

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He is a lazy bastard. Draw up a list of chores that need done and discuss which half he wants to do.

He will refer to you working five hours less than him as though that means you should spend all of that five hours doing chores so he doesn’t have to.

Make sure you have taken travel time etc into consideration too. And getting up during the night for dc.

Make him do his share. If he is not prepared to then you’d be as well leaving his misogynistic lazy ass and going it alone. He’s just a millstone round your neck. And like pp have said, your children will grow up to emulate what they see from their parents.

You deserve better than him.

I really do deserve better i dont know why am dealing with his shit😞

@Pascal80

He isn't interested in you or your child - at all. He sounds like a controlling, sexist man who expects you to be a house drudge (but also earn money at the same time). Does he intend to get you pregnant more times and tie you down even more than you already are? Can you leave him and get support from your own family? He ''don't care'' about paying bills or getting the house repossessed so you have your answer. He does not care full stop. Is he seeing someone behind your back? Is he from a culture with built-in sexist attitudes to women? He sounds nasty and rather threatening.

He was bought up in a house full of women, he thinks its a womens job to cook clean and raise children Which i dont agree with at all. But anytime I mentione how i feel he starts getting angry he just dont care about me or my feelings

Just leave, he doesn't add anything to your life.

I only read half of your post. He brings nothing to the table and you are acting as a single parent anyway. Either kick him out or leave. To help you act now...can you see yourself doing this for the next ten, twenty years? He won't change. He might say he will but he won't.

Who looks after your DC while you're working and he's in bed till midday on his days off, is it your mother?
You need to just sort out your things ànd leave his laundry for him to do.
Start making him prepare food on his days off and take up some responsibility.
You need to make a list of all the household jobs and assign them out so it is clear what he is responsible for.
When it doesn't get done then you know where the blame lies.
If he brings nothing to the relationship for you or your DC move on, you'd be better off without him.

It’s unlikely he’ll change even if you try to get him to step up.
The chances are that once he stops getting his own way he will become more abusive.

You can start getting your ducks in a row while acting normal so he doesn’t sidoectbyou want to leave.

Get some money together
Check for details of his pension if he has one
Is the house owned or rented ?
See a lawyer for some basic advice ( many offer 30 min sessions, initially, for free)
Contact Women’s Aid for help

Oops typos

You can start getting your ducks in a row while acting normal so he doesn’t suspect you want to leave.

Also make sure you don’t get pregnant again.

Thanks for your update.

I’d start getting copies of bank details, p60, savings and pension accounts, payslips, anything to do with earnings and money so you get your fair share in the event of divorce. Do that first before a rousing his suspicions as he will hide money in other accounts etc if he thinks you’re looking for it.

He probably thinks that, due to his upbringing, YOU are the lazy one for asking him to do any housework!! He probably thinks his attitude is quite justified. He probably thinks you ARE a nag.

Is it a religious thing in the culture? Many religions are still traditional, women keep the home, men work, yada yada. Perhaps his mates are the same, and will all continue to try and keep the status quo? Their wives may even be ok with that.

Is there any hint he could become violent rather than be shamed by you? If so you need to seek help from somewhere, perhaps a survivors of a religion type group, to ensure your safety if you leave.

If he’s not liable to become violent, the first place you could start is by saying to him that there is only one of you, not nine, to do housework.
That in the western world people nowadays do it all. Both sexes work. Both sexes care for children. That you are not doing it all. If he refers to his mother remind him she didn’t work and had plenty time to do housework. You do not. You bring in money. And you’re no longer going to be like a servant to him so he needs to decide what he wants as things need to change.

And do it. If he gives you grief suggest it will be difficult for him to work full time if he has the kids 50/50. Which he will baulk at. And that either way he will be doing his own housework and childcare in his own place alone or you will be doing it jointly and sharing your lives. But you will not be living the life of his servant. He will HAVE to step up.

I’d suggest you don’t have sex either as the last thing you need is another pregnancy, unexpectedly.

For some perspective @mandy20x DH and I each work around 35 hours, we have 2 sons age 5 and 1.

Dh does all vacuuming and all dishwasher related duties, I do all cooking as I enjoy it but if he knows what I've planned he will start off chopping etc (he's home an hour before me most days) We have 2 bathrooms, he looks after his I sort mine (his isn't cleaned to my standard but I've learned to get past that)

He cancelled a game of golf a few days ago as he hadn't seen the kids properly all week and wanted to spend some time with them. I felt lousy yesterday so he took the big one out while me and the little one napped - that is an equal partnership and he would never dream of calling me a nag or complaining (yes we bicker sometimes but it's usually a lot of nothing)

This man is supposed to improve your life, not make it harder. You marry someone to make your life a better version of what it already is, and if you aren't getting that then please do something about it. You're young, and only get to experience life once. Don't look back in 15 years with sadness and regret.

What are his working hours if he finishes at 3pm every day?

He sounds like a total lazy arse hole. Well done posting, you will get some great advice about what you need to do to get away from him

He's never going to change. Life will always be the same, you doing everything round the house and him telling you that you are a nag. And constant fights about it.

Life doesn't have to be like this OP, look into how to move out, what housing options do you have etc. Good luck

You're not nagging, he's a lazy entitled sod. If you split you won't have to pick after and look after a lazy man child.