Should I move abroad with my partner?

[uclmerc]

My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for 2 years and are currently living together in France. He has been told by his boss that they'd like to send him to Montreal for a year or so for work: he still has to do interviews, but it's looking pretty favourable towards him. Our relationship has been pretty solid despite COVID restrictions, but I don't want to go long-distance. His sister lives in Canada (albeit an 8-hour drive from Montreal), but I don't know anyone out there and have never been. He's asked me to go with him if he goes, but I'm unsure for a couple of reasons.

My career wouldn't be affected so much, since I was looking to change jobs at the end of my current contract anyway.

My main issues are the following:

1. Will we have animosity towards one another for having moved over there (or having stayed here if he chooses not to go) if things don't turn out? This might cause us to go our separate ways anyway.

2. He is a home bird and, on going to Montreal the other month, said he didn't really picture himself living there.

3. Like many others, he is unable to commit to saying that he wants to be with me for a long time. It's fine usually, but when you're putting all your eggs in one basket, it's nice to know that you are not doing it for someone who's on the same page as you.

4. There's no guarantee he'd only go for a year.

I'm feeling very conflicted. Does anyone have any advice?

Would you qualify for a work permit in Canada? Can you actually just move there as a partner?

Yes, I would qualify for a work permit and would look for work there.

Life is for living and we get one go. You cant manage any of what you are talking about. So you either go with the flow and look on it as an adventure or stay and wonder forever.
My advice as a 48 year old is take every opportunity with both hands. Forget about the fears, if you break up then that chapter is closed but you might miss brilliant experiences aling the way.

Before I read #3 I was thinking of course you should go, what a great adventure to go on with a partner before you settle down, have kids, etc. (Plus I'm from Canada and can confirm that Montreal is a fantastic city, regardless of whether your OH sees it as a longterm option, it would make a great place to live for a year). Canada in general has a lot to offer, and you'd also be close to the USA for holidays, weekends in NYC etc (Covid restrictions notwithstanding).

That all said, I'd be hesitant to uproot my life for someone who isn't sure about me as a longterm partner.

I would absolutely do it. But in point 1 you say the whole thing might be the end of your relationship anyway? So to me sounds like not a very sturdy relationship anyway?

I would do it for sure because that is what life is for IMO, and if you can get your own permit to go then why not. You can both just be in Canada separately. OR the shared experience could bring you closer! But if you’re already seeing that the relationship is not forever, then it probably isn’t.

Yes, essentially he has an issue saying in as many words that he sees a future with anyone at all. He talks about us in the future (before Canada came up, we were due to refurbish a new place together) but, when pressed, says that "no one knows if they're going to be with that person forever, so I can't say it with certainty as it would be a lie. If it's going well now then why worry? I just see people as being with you for a part of your life, be it 1 year or 50 years."

He's just said that he hasn't wanted to be with anyone else since we started dating, and that what we have is very special to him.

There doesn't seem too many negatives here, worst case scenario it doesn't work out and you move back right? I know that might seem over simplistic but it's sometimes useful to look at things in the most straight-forward way possible.

He sounds lukewarm at best towards you though. I think I woul dnot want to go because of that alone.

No, for two reasons.

1. He is not committing to you.
2. You are conflicted.

Without knowing everything else about your relationship, this is all I needed to hear. He tells you he likes you but not enough to be a long term relationship. You have some concerns, otherwise you wouldn't be conflicted.

Why not stay where you are and build a life on your own terms and keep a long distance relationship with your boyfriend. If the relationship has legs, you will stay together, even long distance.

I did something similar with my boyfriend (except I wasn't conflicted, I moved for work) After being long distance for a decade we are now married with four kids.

If the relationship doesn't work out you will still have your local friends and a job!

He might not go at all as he said he couldn't imagine living there.
He sounds lukewarm about both the job and you.
And you sound lukewarm about him and going to Montreal.
If I was with someone and they were posted to Montreal for a year I couldn't wait to go, I'd be really excited and I'm 45, not 25.

I don't know if I'm old-fashioned because of my age, but I would expect after 2 years with someone that there was a clear idea of whether this was long term or not. I really don't think it takes 2 years to know that. If he's wishy washy about this issue it's probably because he's hedging his bets in case something better comes along - sorry if that sounds harsh. If he could see a future with you, marriage, children, house purchase etc, then he would be committed and wouldn't be saying things like he doesn't know whether he can commit to you for a long time.

Montreal could be fun and exciting but I would hesitate to give up a life in France with the life you have there and the friends you have etc, to go half way round the world with Mr. Wishy Washy where you'd basically have to build up a social life from scratch.

You'd probably be better off telling him to go and see if distance makes the heart grow fonder... or not... as the case may be.

Would it be a working holiday visa yo would go on? So totally independent to whatever visa he gets? If I were you I would base the decision on whether you want the life experience of spending a year in Canada, by that I mean would you consider it if you were by yourself, rather than following somebody out there.

When I was 25 I was serious about building my career and I would not have done this unless it was a good career move.

I wouldn't think twice I'd see it as an adventure and I'd do loads of skiing and sports over there and just explore

My opinion might be unpopular but I think places can be as important as people. So if you are happy living somewhere, think very very hard about whether a person is worth making that move for. A wise friend once told me that if you have any hesitancy about moving for someone, they are probably not right for you.
However, I think his failure to commit is a huge reason not to go with him in this instance. Don’t uproot your life for someone who can’t even decide if you’re important enough to reassure you that he wants you in his future.

You are young.
You don't have children.
You want to change your job.

I would go as long as I had enough saving to be able to come back to the uk if things didn't work out.

Just go! Don't overthink it

No way. Sorry, but it sounds like you're his Miss Right Now, not Miss Right. His perspective on your relationship is beyond flaky.

I wouldn't dream of uprooting myself who is so lukewarm on me.

Let him off OP.

He should know after 2 years.

He sounds like he is suiting himself.

You’re only 25, this is an opportunity to live and work in a fab place with lots of opportunities, does it really matter if things go tits up with him in the future? There’s more to life than relationships, like adventure, freedom, opportunity, variety, excitement just for starters! (Have an escape fund though…)

At 25, I would have just gone tbh, you’ve nothing to lose, except maybe the man, who sounds a bit up himself anyway!

Canada is an awesome country!

As someone who has moved countries several times (including with partners a couple of times) I would say only go if there is a clear benefit in it for you, outside of the relationship. Do you want to travel? Are there work opportunities you wouldn't be able to get if you didn't go? Do you want a change of scene?

Unless you're answering yes to at least one of these, I would be staying put. If your partner was committed to you then he would be making this super clear. It could be that maybe he feels it's too soon, but if that's the case I still wouldn't be basing any major life decisions on him unless there was something else in it for me outside of the relationship.

Hi op. You know I'm almost 50. I can honestly say I've never regretted anything I've actually done, but I definitely regret the things I didn't. Go for it! If it doesn't work out then fine you live and learn

I would go at your age and stage of life. If you had a steady career you didn’t want to leave I would say stay.

However I would agree that he sounds very lukewarm about your relationship and it doesn’t sound like the romance of the century. I would go for the life experience more than anything.

Do you want to live in Canada? Maybe go for a visit before you commit? Ive been there and thought I’d love it. I didn’t. I liked Toronto much better.

If you've got a home to go back to if it doesn't work out ie parents house then go for it! What's the worse that can happen other than an adventure? Hes right that noone knows if somethings forever, I'm married and been with dh over 9 years and I'd like to say its forever but who knows?! You might regret no trying it