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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Let's xmas over with and then we're separating, I said

122 replies

rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:07

So this is my day... a school run with DH in the car (needed a lift into town) where he criticised my driving 3 times.

I experienced a near miss later in the day where I was nearly hit by a car, and was shaken... DH did not say all the caring things you'd expect or want to hear and I had to ask for a hug.

Now this evening, he is having a go at me for having filled the kettle two thirds.

I did it in error and never boiled it. He is really cross with me but won't listen to the fact I didn't boil it. He thinks I'm going to boil it all tomorrow for 'one' cup of tea which is a waste.

I lost my shit. Wtf? Having a go at me for something I haven't even done? I kept asking him "what have I done wrong? You're mad because I put water in a kettle?" Whaaaaaat?

Don't I deserve to be heard when I'm telling him about something scary that happened to me today? He just started looking at his phone half way through me telling him about the near miss.

Don't I have the right to make a short journey to school, which I do everyday, without him remarking on my decisions, which even included the route that I chose to take.

Does it matter that I accidentally put water in the fucking kettle?

Anyway, after he got cross about me following a kettle.... filling a kettle for gods sake... 11 o'clock on a Friday night. What a saddo.

I lost it and told him that we'd get his birthday over with, get xmas done and then we're separating as I can't take his bullshit anymore!!! I stormed off upstairs. He's still down there watching tv.

What do I do now?

OP posts:
Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:10

He routinely doesn't listen to me (picks up phone mid conversation), contradicts me in front of the children (mummy's wrong, you don't need a hat as it's not that cold today) and puts me down (you didn't take a joke DS, just like mummy)

OP posts:
Janeandjohnny · 03/12/2021 23:11
  1. Follow up on your threat and discuss leaving?
  2. Have a discussion about how you both communicate?
  3. Investigate the relationship with a counsellor?
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 03/12/2021 23:12

You congratulate yourself for telling him your done!!

His birthday - he can sort himself, I'd be ignoring it.

Get yourself sorted with all the necessary paperwork & make plans about your home (who is staying who is leaving are you selling? Giving notice if rented.

How old are your kids

GroggyLegs · 03/12/2021 23:13

How long have you been thinking about leaving?

Do you feel relieved that you said it & it's out there?

Potplant · 03/12/2021 23:16

Follow through.

Easier said than done, I know.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:18

About a year but I can't physically leave. I'm considering a split but remaining in the house with our own rooms and designated evenings to be responsible for the children. I experienced some verbal abuse at work this week and it made me think, hang a minute, there is no way I am tolerating this at work but I put up with constant put downs and disrespect at home?
I finally agreed to couples counselling (don't want to do it) with the understanding that he'd arrange it as he wants it but he hasn't acted on this yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:19

They are years 2 and 4

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 03/12/2021 23:19

It’s not just the kettle or the driving though is it…you’ve pushed the door to better times open, now walk through it.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:20

Relieved I guess.
He told me I was drunk and over reacting. I'd had less than two glasses of wine. I just couldn't work out why putting water in the kettle was so wrong. I'd understand if I'd boiled it up and then left it but I didn't.

OP posts:
Tee20x · 03/12/2021 23:23

Even if you'd boiled it and left it I still wouldn't see what the big deal is? Is he like this all the time over everything? It's no wonder you blew your top putting up with that shit.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:29

He's trying to save energy so boiling the kettle for nothing would have certainly annoyed him but he was convicting me for a crime I didn't even do!!! I just want to relax on a Friday night, not answer to the pinickety police. Yes, he is like this over stupid things.
But then I get pissed off with him leaving cupboards doors open all the time.
It's when he puts me down in front of the kids that I can't bare, and more recently I keep finding myself saying 'don't cut me off' when we are chatting to the kids.
I've probably been annoying him because I'm not letting things slide anymore. If he rummages in a drawer to find something and doesn't put everything back then I will ask him too, several times if need be as I'm not tidying up after him anymore.

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 03/12/2021 23:32

He sounds like a total arse, who's taking his life frustrations out on you. Was he always like this?

Theblacksheepandme · 03/12/2021 23:33

Has he always been this unpleasant? He sounds like he's on your case all the time.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:36

I don't remember. I don't think he was. He's not been very happy for the last few years. Stressed with work. Probably misses sex because I don't feel sitting with him let alone sleeping with him when he treats me with such disdain.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 03/12/2021 23:41

Honestly... You need to follow through and seperate.. You are not in a good space... He is horrible to you

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:43

We're on each other's cases... he constantly leaves dirty clothes, and plates around the house. Leaves drawers and cupboards open. Leaves shoes right in front on the door to trip over. Leaves tape and scissors out if he's wrapped a parcel. Leaves scales out if he had to weigh it. I'm constantly asking him to put stuff away or I place all his random shit in a pile so it's all in one place. So it feels like I nag him a lot.
I feel like asking him to treat me like a colleague... would you criticise your colleague's driving? Would you leave your dirty plate for your colleague to pick up? Would you talk over your colleague?

OP posts:
Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:45

He doesn't think he's horrible to me though. He thinks I should be grateful for the fact that he works his arse off running his own company and stop nagging him when I can work part-time. Doesn't take away the fact that he seems to have zero respect for me.

OP posts:
Signoramarella · 03/12/2021 23:46

You have reached point of no return. Well done. Some boundaries not ok to cross. He sounds very bitter. Start making a plan to split. I left my angry awful dh 2 years ago, best thin I ever did. Don't ket your children witness this denigration of self.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:48

I know he's horrible to me. But am
I horrible to him? Are we as bad as each other? Are we both being so stubborn that we can't see this for what it is? He says I'm always in a mood which I guess I am because I feel so unsupported all the time. I can't imagine what it's like to feel like someone has your back. I was even nervous if telling him about the near miss with the car today as I thought he would blame me and tell me what I did wrong.

OP posts:
kikipie · 03/12/2021 23:49

What’s stopping you from leaving?

kikipie · 03/12/2021 23:50

Does it matter? Neither of you are happy, time to cut loose

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:52

I couldn't uproot the children from their beautiful bedrooms and garden if I'm honest. Where would I even go? I earn £600 a month. I couldn't take the children away from their home or dad, and there's no way I'd leave without them.
We've just had loads of work done on the house including a garden office for DH so there's no way he would leave.

OP posts:
nocnoc · 03/12/2021 23:53

Stick to it. This is a miserable life. It’s hard now but get out now. Find someone you’re compatible with who is nice to you!

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 03/12/2021 23:55

Staying in the house is utter madness and will not work. It is a toxic environment now. Living together living separate lives, having new partners, will become more toxic and also damaging for the childrens perspective on what is normal and acceptable.

Original poster
rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:57

Thanks for replying everyone. I feel a lot calmer from having written this all down. I do feel like I've cleared the air.

OP posts: