Let's xmas over with and then we're separating, I said

[rogerthat87]

So this is my day... a school run with DH in the car (needed a lift into town) where he criticised my driving 3 times.

I experienced a near miss later in the day where I was nearly hit by a car, and was shaken... DH did not say all the caring things you'd expect or want to hear and I had to ask for a hug.

Now this evening, he is having a go at me for having filled the kettle two thirds.

I did it in error and never boiled it. He is really cross with me but won't listen to the fact I didn't boil it. He thinks I'm going to boil it all tomorrow for 'one' cup of tea which is a waste.

I lost my shit. Wtf? Having a go at me for something I haven't even done? I kept asking him "what have I done wrong? You're mad because I put water in a kettle?" Whaaaaaat?

Don't I deserve to be heard when I'm telling him about something scary that happened to me today? He just started looking at his phone half way through me telling him about the near miss.

Don't I have the right to make a short journey to school, which I do everyday, without him remarking on my decisions, which even included the route that I chose to take.

Does it matter that I accidentally put water in the fucking kettle?

Anyway, after he got cross about me following a kettle.... filling a kettle for gods sake... 11 o'clock on a Friday night. What a saddo.

I lost it and told him that we'd get his birthday over with, get xmas done and then we're separating as I can't take his bullshit anymore!!! I stormed off upstairs. He's still down there watching tv.

What do I do now?

[leatherboundbooks]

Honestly, the 'little' things that he does that well yes, children do them too and that is frustrating but you hope that they grow out of them or at very least do it for a while, and accept that they have to do it even if they relapse, but he is doing them persistently and purposefully, so either you have to do them, or it just gets worse. On top of everything else if he is not going to address these honestly simple things, honestly how much effort does it take to take your plate through to the kitchen, he is treating you as a servant. If he can't be bothered to do a little thing like that, as someone who is an adult and lives in the house, thre is honestly little hope with the big things

[Almostmenopausal]

@rogerthat87

I couldn't uproot the children from their beautiful bedrooms and garden if I'm honest. Where would I even go? I earn £600 a month. I couldn't take the children away from their home or dad, and there's no way I'd leave without them.
We've just had loads of work done on the house including a garden office for DH so there's no way he would leave.

You're going to continue subjecting your children to abuse, so that they have nice bedrooms & garden???

I was the child in a decision very similar to this and I'll NEVER forgive my Mum for it

[coodawoodashooda]

@lightisnotwhite

Pick the time that feels right and comfortable. You chose him because of head not heart. It’s fine to leave him the same way.

Having said that leaving before his birthday or other occasion that is important does hit home that he will have to cope without you. Which he will. It can be helpful for the “left” person to know they are stronger than they think.

He deserves to feel like shit.

[freeatlast2021]

I am just wondering how much energy can you save by not boiling too much water in the kettle?

[lightisnotwhite]

Pick the time that feels right and comfortable. You chose him because of head not heart. It’s fine to leave him the same way.

Having said that leaving before his birthday or other occasion that is important does hit home that he will have to cope without you. Which he will. It can be helpful for the “left” person to know they are stronger than they think.

[incognitodorrito]

Hello OP - hope your alright. It probably seems very overwhelming right now, all the things you would need to do to leave. But also imagine not having a day to day existence wherein being belittled in front of your kids and criticised for utter bs reasons did not play a part, your future self will thank you for leaving. Good luck OP

[rogerthat87]

@WonderfulYou

I wouldn’t waste money on counselling, it would be better used for getting a deposit somewhere else.

Now you’ve said it you can’t take it back as it’s something you obviously want wise you wouldn’t have said it - stop waiting for it to get better when it isn’t going to.

Apart from the driving issue (where I think he had a point if you had a near miss) then I couldn’t be nit picked at all day every day. You’re an adult. If you want to fill the kettle up then it’s your decision as long as you’re paying the bill.

I didn't have a near miss when I was driving. That was a separate incidence later in the day which wasn't my fault.

[rogerthat87]

@HaveringWavering

Your focus on his birthday as some sort of thing to get past before you take any action is a bit weird. He’s an adult, why does his birthday matter in this context?

Because it's a 'big' birthday and he's having a party. We will also be having guests to stay.
I've read through all the advice and experiences which has been interesting and helpful.

[Bouledepetanque]

Try watching:

A good few times.

[incognitodorrito]

@HarrisonStickle snap ! Well sort of, beautiful Victorian house, gorgeous garden etc etc. Now in a little (extensively renovated with divorce money) semi and could be happier !

[TowandaForever]

@PennyWus

But who wants to live their life pulling someone up or correcting them all the time? it would be like parenting a child who never grew up?!

[HarrisonStickle]

@useranon12

I'm also in same position where I would have to leave a lovely house with the small children and start again , we are currently getting our bathroom down ( started a while ago ) nearly finished he did it but not done painting yet . He's not had time I offered to do it as would quote enjoy it and been told no I wouldn't do it good enough 🤔

I had a lovely period cottage in a lovely part of the country. Ten years after leaving I now live in quite a nice terrace somewhere totally different.

But it's not the same, and I miss my old home still. What I don't miss is the marriage. It was awful. I was a shell of my former self, and have only recently got back to the person I was before I met him.

It's utterly and completely wonderful to be rid of him and to be living a free life without him. I'm poorer financially but a life without him in it more than makes up for that.

[HarrisonStickle]

@useranon12

It's strange reading this as I feel like my partner is the same ( I am very close to leaving) I didn't think that most people's opinion would be to leave , I actually found this was normal couple behaviour I can't be in the car with my partner without him critising my driving and I actually think if I had a bump he would make out it was some how my fault even if it wasn't. He makes out I'm stupid if I get his order wrong from takeaway like its the end of world .when he's actually incapable of ringing up himself or sorting any kind of bills, holidays etc I do it all but it's never right . I actually thought men were just quite like that. I am so very close to leaving I'm just scared that after a few years with some one new these kind of behaviours would pop up again

Why do you need someone else?

[useranon12]

I'm also in same position where I would have to leave a lovely house with the small children and start again , we are currently getting our bathroom down ( started a while ago ) nearly finished he did it but not done painting yet . He's not had time I offered to do it as would quote enjoy it and been told no I wouldn't do it good enough 🤔

[useranon12]

It's strange reading this as I feel like my partner is the same ( I am very close to leaving) I didn't think that most people's opinion would be to leave , I actually found this was normal couple behaviour I can't be in the car with my partner without him critising my driving and I actually think if I had a bump he would make out it was some how my fault even if it wasn't. He makes out I'm stupid if I get his order wrong from takeaway like its the end of world .when he's actually incapable of ringing up himself or sorting any kind of bills, holidays etc I do it all but it's never right . I actually thought men were just quite like that. I am so very close to leaving I'm just scared that after a few years with some one new these kind of behaviours would pop up again

[sleepyhoglet]

Great advice @PennyWus If only my husband would engage like this

[NowEvenBetter]

What an awful way to live. Instruct a solicitor, get the divorce started before the post-xmas rush. House can be sold or bought out. No beautiful bedroom compensates for being made to live with parents who despise each other.

[FurrFeather]

Sometimes it’s just good, like the OP says, to “get it out” in a forum or whatever. It can be clarifying somehow to see your own words. Sometimes you even some good pointers back, as here. (Though other times angry posters can make you feel worse as does happen on some ‘pile on’ threads).

[WonderfulYou]

I wouldn’t waste money on counselling, it would be better used for getting a deposit somewhere else.

Now you’ve said it you can’t take it back as it’s something you obviously want wise you wouldn’t have said it - stop waiting for it to get better when it isn’t going to.

Apart from the driving issue (where I think he had a point if you had a near miss) then I couldn’t be nit picked at all day every day. You’re an adult. If you want to fill the kettle up then it’s your decision as long as you’re paying the bill.

[Colourmeclear]

Id go to counseling but make it clear it's to create an amicable break if at all possible.

It is difficult to get your head around the dynamics in a relationship. My ex was quite similar. I was so nervous about any mistake I made. It was like he was the embodiment of that voice inside of me telling me I wasn't good enough. I needed support and love but it was only given when he wanted sex. You could go round and round like I did about who is at fault, he started it etc but if you bring out the worst in eachother then maybe it's time to move on.

[coodawoodashooda]

I meant to start a thread not add to this one. Honestly op. Get rid of him. It's wonderful.

[coodawoodashooda]

A thread to inspire those of us with deadbeat partners to get rid of them, from those of us who did!

[HaveringWavering]

Your focus on his birthday as some sort of thing to get past before you take any action is a bit weird. He’s an adult, why does his birthday matter in this context?

[LitCrit]

Just a reminder that he works his arse off so that the kids can benefit from being cared for at home rather than in a childcare setting. He's not supporting you personally - or if you want to look at it that way, you could say that you are enabling him to work by sacrificing your career.

[HaveringWavering]

Did you ever love him? When your kids were born, did you feel close to him, loved, protected, in love?

If yes, maybe you can get that back but it’s going to take a lot of hard work and honesty from both of you. Penny’s advice is great.