How to handle a narcissist

Muggingsisi · 2021-12-03T09:53:45+00:00

For those dealing with a narcissist ex, how do you handle when they go around slagging you off to all and sundry with their complete warped view of what happened?

Debsdonein · 03/12/2021 09:57

Know that one day these people will realise the truth.
Don't waste your energy trying to convince people. The truth always comes out.

Pegasussnail · 03/12/2021 09:58

I'm going through this at the moment
I don't know. I just hope people can see though it.

Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 09:58

I moved 20 miles away.

Ellen888 · 03/12/2021 10:01

You can't control the narrative.

Those that know you know the truth and that's all that matters. Anyone else can jog on.

Catcrazy83 · 03/12/2021 10:01

The only way to “handle” a narc is to run away, which you have done. If you don’t have children, block, delete and try and forget they even exist. They’ll get bored of talking about you when they have their next victim.

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/12/2021 10:02

Minimise contact and grey rock technique

Original poster

Muggingsisi · 03/12/2021 10:07

We do have children and he is a good, involved dad but when he can get a dig in he will do. We’ve had a huge argument recently where when I stood up for myself he just completely ignored whatever points I made and twisted stuff so now I refuse to acknowledge it and just keep repeating “I will only discuss the kids”. My family think this is me rolling over for him, and it is really infuriating not standing up for myself when he starts spouting his lies but I know if I do he will just keep sucking me back in arghhh

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Totalwasteofpaper · 03/12/2021 10:12

You are 100% right with broken record and I will only discuss the kids.
Ignore your family.

You don't want this idiot living rent free in your mind for the next 20+ years.

Let him chat rubbish and if its repeated back to you roll your eyes and laugh loudly.

Catcrazy83 · 03/12/2021 10:13

Try email contact only. Get a new email address just for him. To talk about the children only. Ignore all other comms.

TiredButDancing · 03/12/2021 10:16

Your family think that you are the problem? Frankly, I am starting to think that narcissists are as successful as they are because they target people who have already been programmed to accept this shitty behaviour. SIL might have left BIL years ago if PIL hadn't been consistently agreeing with his view of her....

There is nothing you can do re what he is saying about you. Depending on who it is and the context, I think your response will vary from, "you're obviously only hearing one side" to a more nuanced explanation of the truth. But it's pretty shitty and I feel your pain.

TiredButDancing · 03/12/2021 10:17

Wait, apologies, I just reread it - your family think you should fight back? Of course, that's pointless - he won't listen or agree with anything you say. So why bother, I agree with you. Also, the less you engage, the more FURIOUS he will become which is also quite helpful - nothing like watching these men unravel as their victim stops responding!

Janera7 · 03/12/2021 10:23

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Original poster

Muggingsisi · 03/12/2021 10:42

Oh he is acting a right dick at the minute as he feels, for the first time, that he has something on me. Our messages start with him acting all high and mighty, I then counter argue his points to which he ignores everything I say and just adds more and lies to it. I have never before met anyone who is as deluded as he is.

Do you think deep down narcs truly believe what they are saying?

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TiredButDancing · 03/12/2021 10:55

@Muggingsisi

Oh he is acting a right dick at the minute as he feels, for the first time, that he has something on me. Our messages start with him acting all high and mighty, I then counter argue his points to which he ignores everything I say and just adds more and lies to it. I have never before met anyone who is as deluded as he is.

Do you think deep down narcs truly believe what they are saying?

I am starting to think that yes, they do. There's also a sort of victim mentality which means even if intellectually they can see that something is their fault or whatever, because they perceive the world entirely through their own lens, they don't have to take responsibility for whatever it is because they only did it because YOU did something or THEY felt something or whatever the case may be. They genuinely are delusional.

BIL has been getting the same "feedback" from other people that he gets from SIL. He keeps telling her about it and we can't work out why - surely, by highlighting that she's not the only one who feels this way he's admitting there's a problem with his behaviour? But then he makes it clear that it's not the case and he thinks the other people are as bad as her. But I've come to the conclusion he's doing it because notwithstanding the fact that they're separating because of his behaviour, he genuinely thinks she's going to reassure him or tell him how unfairly he is being untreated by these other people. And when she doesn't, it just causes him to unravel even further.

Same man once sent me 4 long text messages in a row in which he attempted to explain to me how awful SIL is. when I told him to stop, and that I wasn't interested in hearing about his issues he responded with, "that's not what I was doing. I just wanted you to take her out tonight. LOL" I literally had two screens full of his vitriol, in writing.....Delusional.

KintsugiForever · 03/12/2021 11:03

If he is a narcissist, he'll have been setting the scene of the 'smear campaign' for a long time, it makes him feel better because narcs cannot cope with shame or acknowledge they have done any wrong. As pp have said, as hard as it is, you cannot control his narrative because it is warped; how can you control/influence lies and half truths? You can only focus on you and your truth, and those that matter to you will believe you. The best form of dealing with this, if you have to stay in touch, is to grey rock/disengage and only communicate with him around your children. Set up an email to communicate only with him and set your boundaries so that you only read these emails when you are ready. He does not need to have any more contact with you outside of handover/drop off of kids, apart from this. It is difficult to move to this form of a relationship as I should imagine you have been used to the entanglement, but you absolutely deserve this and you need it to be able to move on.

And yes, they genuinely believe what they say is true because the alternative (ie they are to blame) is incomprehensible to them. Their lives are built on lies, a facade and their own 'construct' (ie that they are a 'good guy' and everyone else has wronged them). This covers up the gaping hole inside them. To admit wrong causes them massive shame, and they simply can't have that ever.

Good luck and stay strong with obtaining your freedom, life beyond this kind of relationship is worth the struggle to escape. It is hard but keep going.

Alyson76 · 03/12/2021 11:26

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ToffeeNotCoffee · 03/12/2021 13:59

I read how to deal with a narcissist. Like you would want to say to the subjects of a horror movie...RUN !

I have a narc sibling. Their behaviour in recent years had really got me thinking. I read up about it. One of the things that rings true is they have the emotional development of a four year old child. This is clear when their 'mask' slips and you get to glimpse how 'ugly' nasty, disordered and frankly pathetic they really are.

Also a very juvenile, 'me want' view of, well, everything really.

Also that the other person deserves what they mete out for no other reason than they are not them i.e. caustic put down of a total stranger as they walk across a carpark as narc and I were in the car looking for a parking space.

Another example: enjoying humiliating shop workers or speaking to provider companies over the phone like they are an imbecile. Why ? Because they deserved it. Why ? Because they are not them.

They also like the phrase, 'you're embarrassing yourself.' I've had that levelled at me and not understood why.

I now realise, narcs are all about putting you on the back foot. All about knocking you off balance and having you question yourself. So you basically do their undermining of yourself for them. They do it for their own entertainment. Oh and they are NOT sorry.

It works for them, so why would they change ?

I read a story on here about someone who had a narc boyfriend. She caught him flirting with someone else in the pub. Later, outside in the carpark she confronted him about it. 'You're embarrassing yourself' was what the response from him was.

Do these narcs all come from the same fucking hand book or what ?

They truly believe themselves to be good and kind and put up with all sorts.

I understood the word, 'supply' in narc terms means attention. Good or bad, they're not bothered. Whether they upset you and make you furious or whether they are laying it on with a trowel and you have to cringe through your thank you. (Hoovering, is what it's called, when they suck you back in. Been there, done that. Long before I understood what it was.) They don't care. It seems all supply is the same as long as they get attention.

Well, attention on their terms. Unless you want their attention then you get the, 'not on my radar' treatment.

The good old don't treat someone as a priority when they only see you as an option is a useful thing to remember.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 03/12/2021 14:02

Also that the other person deserves what they mete out for no other reason than they are not them i.e. caustic put down of a total stranger as they walk across a carpark as narc and I were in the car looking for a parking space.

It was only me that heard it but, what was the point of that ? Oh, that's right. You're not me, so you deserve it and it's the narc that decides what is deserved and to whom.

Signalstation · 03/12/2021 14:09

@Muggingsisi

Oh he is acting a right dick at the minute as he feels, for the first time, that he has something on me. Our messages start with him acting all high and mighty, I then counter argue his points to which he ignores everything I say and just adds more and lies to it. I have never before met anyone who is as deluded as he is.

Do you think deep down narcs truly believe what they are saying?

I've asked this question so many times, and discussed it at great length with several people. Do they truly believe what they are saying? I think the answer is yes, subject to the question which 'they' do you mean?

I think because they have a false self (or selves) and they are experts at compartmentalisation, they can believe what they are saying in the moment of saying it, but the next day they may even have no recollection of ever saying it.

Also, because they can be like sponges, soaking up the qualities of the person they are with in their fake selves, when you finish with a narc, if they get with someone else they won't remember all the good things about you. You must be bad because nobody good would ever reject them.

Signalstation · 03/12/2021 14:15

You don't 'handle' a narcissist. You remove yourself from the relationship, go no-contact and ignore the smear campaign. Your best hope is that the narcissist finds a new partner.

hahahawhatchalaughinat · 03/12/2021 14:23

Here's what I try to do:

Grey Rock. Never engage emotionally. Never respond to something in the moment. Wait and come back to it later. Say only what you absolutely must say. Never respond point by point. Let the bullshit go and don't dignify it with a response.

Be more reasonable than you instinctively want to be. It is hard after giving in to them so long but it helps keep your head straight.

Have trusted people to vent to immediately after being reasonable.

Keep your inner circle small and outside of it don't say too much.

Be yourself and in time (it will take years) people will make up their own mind about you. If they judge you, never mind. If they come back to you and repair the relationship, that's great.

Forgive yourself if you lose control. It is tiring and you will probably slip up.

Remember that you cannot control the narrative or the behaviour of your ex. You can only control how you respond.

Good luck!

Downinthedumps12 · 03/12/2021 14:40

@signalstation I wish I could do this. I need an escape, but I have kids so I can never really be free from him 😔

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 03/12/2021 15:25

The best thing to do is go grey rock. Do not engage with him unless he asks a specific question about the dc. Your response should be as short as possible. You'd be amazed at how many texts messages can be responded to with 'ok'. Keep it completely emotionless. If he slags you off, so what, people who know you will realise he's a shitbag, those who believe him aren't friends anyway

My ex used to rant at me over text, or go into lengthy texts about what a shit mother I was blah blah. I found out that the best response wasn't to address each point, or even put my opinion across, it was to respond with 👍

ToffeeNotCoffee · 03/12/2021 17:34

You don't 'handle' a narcissist. You remove yourself from the relationship, go no-contact and ignore the smear campaign.

Yes, this.

It's easier for me as now, as we have next to no friends or acquaintances in common.

I just realised, over the years, say what you like, I will never meet these people that you smear me to.

There are people who were once important in narcs life that have drifted away or run away. As my DP says there's a few that have sussed narcs game over the years.

Original poster

Muggingsisi · 04/12/2021 13:17

@hahahawhatchalaughinat

Here's what I try to do:

Grey Rock. Never engage emotionally. Never respond to something in the moment. Wait and come back to it later. Say only what you absolutely must say. Never respond point by point. Let the bullshit go and don't dignify it with a response.

Be more reasonable than you instinctively want to be. It is hard after giving in to them so long but it helps keep your head straight.

Have trusted people to vent to immediately after being reasonable.

Keep your inner circle small and outside of it don't say too much.

Be yourself and in time (it will take years) people will make up their own mind about you. If they judge you, never mind. If they come back to you and repair the relationship, that's great.

Forgive yourself if you lose control. It is tiring and you will probably slip up.

Remember that you cannot control the narrative or the behaviour of your ex. You can only control how you respond.

Good luck!

That’s really god list thank you. I’m really really struggling with his family believing his lies. I classed them as my family and was really close and it’s shocked me to the core that he would discredit me to them and that they actually believe him.

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