How to handle a narcissist

[Muggingsisi]

For those dealing with a narcissist ex, how do you handle when they go around slagging you off to all and sundry with their complete warped view of what happened?

Don't take it to heart OP. It says more about him than you that he cannot give a balanced view of what happened. And he's learned a lot of bad habits from his family I would guess. My ex and his family were unbelievably critical and judgemental of everyone outside the immediate family. It's warm and loving when you're in it, but so cold if you leave it.

Also, if my ex could have seen my perspective then the relationship might have worked. It doesn't surprise me that now we've broken up he still can't see anything from my point of view or judge himself the way he judged me. He's a perpetual victim in his own mind - and that's why he'll never be happy. No self-awareness.

Here's to a happier future for you

I learned to ignore it and cut off anyone who believed it. The Narc soon became apparent and had those who had allied with him come round trying to make amends without ever acknowledging their part. I’m amicable with them but we will never be close again. Fine with that. I blocked the Narc everywhere possible and although I will never be 100% where I was, mental health wise, it does help to know they can’t contact me at all.

Regarding the family, I understand your shock, but after time you will come to realise that this was always going to be the case. It's highly probable he's not the only narcissist in the family, simply because NPD has been found to have its roots in early family dynamics.

As PP said, when you're inside the family and you're towing the party line, they look after you (much as a spider looks after the fly in the web, wrapping it to preserve it for future consumption). The minute you do anything to counter them, they will class you as the enemy. You will be incredulous how someone can turn their attitude in the blink of an eye. Remember you're not dealing with a neuro-typical person, so the normal rules do not apply.

I'm going through exactly the same thing, the smear campaign against me is Oscar worthy. Its draining in every sense of the word. I've grey rocked now and will only discuss the basics to do with the children . He has turned all his family again me and tries to do the same with everyone else I know, I have basically nobody but that's life .
I take comfort I the fact that eventually he will fuck up and people will realise what he is and what he is doing is all lies.

Ignore. He's doing you a favour and filtering your friends for you. Only the ones you want will stick around. Let him get on with it, let them talk, let them make crap up about you.

Don't get pulled in. Do stuff that makes you feel nice.

Think long term. In the immediate aftermath of hearing the smear campaign people might wonder "is that true?" but if you can resist the tempation to get your side of the story and let the smear campaign pass, then when time has passed, it ends up making him look bad.

It's much easier when the DC grow up. One of my DC went NC at 16, the best thing that they ever did. The other is still trying to get his approval. That will never happen. He now has lost all his friends due to his behaviour, and about 90% of his family.

Yes, my dd went nc too.

Not what id encoraged (id try to play the part of civilised co parent. Im ashamed to say it but he paid maintenance so i wanted to play along. But she never enjoed going to his house and about 15, she had arranged to go and see a friend and he wouldnt let her out. That was it for her.
She came home very angry with me thst id tried to make up this amicable co parenting narrative, encoraging her to go to his house.
She never wentvagain and he sent horrible letters to her, to me.... she just cannot overlook his obvious flaws.

But if id tried to protect her from him by trying to stop her going, i woukd have been the bitter vindictive x. I feel like it was a tightrope. She is an adult now, well, 18, so she never has to see him again if she doesnt want to.

OP I understand your frustration at him turning his family against you, but for your own sanity you have to let it go. This happened to me too and I let it get to me for far too long, which I regret massively now. Interestingly, in recent years his parents have both passed away and I had to speak to his siblings about inheritance for my daughter and the truth has all come out. He's basically shown his true colours over the inheritance and his entire family have gone NC with him. What goes around comes around.

I think its unrealistic to expect his family to be on your side anyway. even if they are all, between themselves, saying, "He's such an idiot, he has lost Muggins forever with his ridiculous behaviour" they're still going to support him and rally round him. And of course, even if they suspect that it's mostly his fault, it would be hard to completely disregard everything he has said.

There was a poster on here just the other day who was clearly buying her family member's rubbish because even the stuff she mentioned on here was red flag red flag but she was, understandably, accepting his version of events. It is what it is.