Thirsty for gym instructor

[ConnyTheConnifer]

I've name changed.
I know I'll get flamed.
I deserve to get flamed.

I'm married. I'm mid-30s. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is wonderful. I am really happy. I wouldn't change a thing about my life.

A few months ago I joined a new gym. I love it. I go to classes four times a week. There is a guy who takes two of these classes - let's call him Barry.

I have a massive crush on Barry. It's pathetic. He's only 22. He's not my 'usual' type. But he's got some sexy magnetism going on. He's a bit flirty. I know he does it as part of his job but I like it. I haven't flirted with anyone for years. One of the other women at Barry's classes said he's noticeably flirty with me. Another said "he likes you". I felt flattered.

I can't change classes because he does specific ones and I love the exercise he does (like he's not just teaching generic fitness or HIIT classes but a particular type of exercise like judo, but not judo). Plus I've just paid for six months 'top-up' so I can keep going to Barry's classes.

I have had several sex dreams about Barry. As well as more generic dreams about him. I stalk him on social media a bit. I often think about us kissing.

I would hate the thought that DP had these feelings about another woman, let alone a woman in her early 20s. But I'm crushing hard on Barry. What do I do to get Barry out of my head?

I wish Barry was his real name - I'm not sure I could dream-orgasm about a man called Barry, not matter how hot he was.

@Skysblue

It happens. You love someone and marry them, and then eventually one day you stumble across someone else who could have made you happy. Very happy perhaps. They’re gorgeous and they like you too. So what do you do?

You recognise that fancying someone else is not a big deal unless you make it one. It happens to everybody. Only weak people act on it or take it seriously. And where as here it’s someone older lusting after someone much younger and fitter - it is a bit pathetic to be honest.

Stop making excuses and find a new sport.

I'm shocked at the bizarre ageism on here. 10 or 12 years is not exactly crazy

Recognise it for what it is. A crush. It happens. Your husband has likely had them too. It's natural.

Also recognise that Barry will be flirting with a lot of people. For very good reason. Repeat business. He has popular classes, he keeps his job.

Enjoy the attention. Don't risk your marriage for this. Keep your head on.

I fancy a friend from my Sunday evening hobby. I enjoy looking at him and finding him attractive. It reassures me that I’m still capable of those feelings. But I’m not under any illusions - I’m 40 and he’s 30, I’m fully aware that he sees me as a middle aged woman with kids and stretch marks, and why would he even look at me when he has a fit 28yo girlfriend with no kids waiting at home. But looking doesn’t do any harm, especially when there’s no chance of acting on it.

As many wise posters have said, it's natural and even biologically understandable - endorphins can make you feel more attractive and more sexually charged. It sounds like you recognise this isn't going to go anywhere - I'd fantasise away, move classes, and let it pass.

I don't know if you have kids, but what I (male) find helps when I get into these situations is imagining how I would feel explaining to my son that Daddy doesn't live with him any more because I would have rather shagged a gym instructor/colleague/whatever.

I love your writing style by the way!

There's nothing in your OP that indicates, really, that you feel bad at all.

I feel quite repulsed by your post for a few reasons. You are using such demeaning, sexualised language, that if written about a woman, would open to all sorts of charges of sexual objectification. ('Thirsty' 'dream-orgasm' 🤢)

Secondly, you are betraying your DH, no question. Fancying someone is one thing. Intentionally fantasising about someone & taking steps to enhance that fantasy (booking extra classes, making excuses why you can't change) is really unfair to him.

This will impact your marriage - your trust, your intimacy, your commitment to DH.

Finally, there is not a chance Barry actually fancies you in any meaningful way. It's part of the schtick that some instructors use (I've been going to gyms / classes for many years). I much prefer when they don't. You are most likely making quite an idiot of yourself.

Change classes. Cop on.

Imagine a scenario where your husband came to pick you up, was able to see through the gym window and was able to see whatever form this flirtation takes with Barry. How would that make him and you feel? Sounds like you're mentally cheating, to be fair, and I think you need to get control of it and stop flirting, or quit those sessions

Well to be fair, there's nothing wrong with a crush/fantasy, it's not as if you are about to swan off into the sunset with Barry is it.

I remember in the days when I was a gym bunny we used to have a class run by a guy, a few of the women used to fancy him, used to make sure they got in the front row, gawping and giggling, I actual felt quite embarrassed for them.

it's quite normal though, I had a huge crush years ago when I was training to be a fitness instructor on the female trainer even though I am straight. It went away in it's own time, just don't over think it and enjoy the fantasy.

Mid 30s better not be middle aged now.Im 41 and I definitely don't see myself as middle aged!

@MintyGreenDream I totally agree. I'm 50 and I still have trouble accepting I am middle aged (or even past that now). Shit, am I now elderly........fuckkkkkkk

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

What would you want/ expect your husband to do if this was him and a young, female instructor?

Do that.

Exactly this. Of course you can change classes. You just don't want to. At least own that.

If he is single, this is normal. Book a exercise class but do not get carried away however. Try distraction techniques or see if you can find another gym.

Recognise it for the fantasy it is. Then look at your own life with DH and see what you can do to make that more exciting and fun. Put your time and effort into that rather than some young bloke at exercise class.

Get a grip.

Thanks so much everyone. I'm giving my head a good old wobble.

I absolutely wouldn't act on anything flirty. I love my DP. We have a great life together. I don't want to jeopardize that at all. I just need to stop with the mental images of us having a big old snog.

I always get crushes on other men 🤣 they dont last long and I never follow through with the crush

I think anyone who says they dont fancy other people whilst in a relationship is a liar

I dont think are designed to spend our lives with 1 person ( it's nice that we can, but it takes work ). Some animals mate for life and others change mates every season. I think we are like the latter but its morals that stop most people acting out their crushes and what not