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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is so angry with me

38 replies

marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:16

I get it. I had a big breakdown that I didn't know how to control, I called my mother asked her to come over to help me with the baby and I decided that I didn't want to be here anymore and told my partner and my sister, I completely spiralled out of control. They were both severely worried about me.
Fast forward to today I've been referred for therapy and meds which I've agreed too. my partner has told me he is so angry with me and I've broken his heart for wanting/ attempting to take my life. He doesn't know what to do and He swore and shouted down the phone and I felt awful. All day has been talking to me in a very angry tone. He's coming back to support me now but I feel terrible. It was the morning after and now I'm just sitting here thinking what have I done. I feel like I've messed up but at the time I couldn't cope. How do I make this up to him and show him I want to get better I've apologised but I need actions not words.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 15:24

Why have you apologised?.

You have some previous threads about this individual too and how he behaves around and to you.

Its his poor and otherwise abusive treatment of you that has caused all this to arise; not your behaviour in itself. He is a poor example of both a father and your partner. He has also cheated on you previously and I would not be at all surprised if he was doing this now.

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:25

@marvmaise

I get it. I had a big breakdown that I didn't know how to control, I called my mother asked her to come over to help me with the baby and I decided that I didn't want to be here anymore and told my partner and my sister, I completely spiralled out of control. They were both severely worried about me. Fast forward to today I've been referred for therapy and meds which I've agreed too. my partner has told me he is so angry with me and I've broken his heart for wanting/ attempting to take my life. He doesn't know what to do and He swore and shouted down the phone and I felt awful. All day has been talking to me in a very angry tone. He's coming back to support me now but I feel terrible. It was the morning after and now I'm just sitting here thinking what have I done. I feel like I've messed up but at the time I couldn't cope. How do I make this up to him and show him I want to get better I've apologised but I need actions not words.
I feel like such a failure to my family and my baby I want to get better so I can give them the world but I don't feel like I'm ever going to be forgiven for it what if my baby finds out when he's older and hates me for it, my partner is absolutely furious I understand but i want to get better :(
OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 02/12/2021 15:27

It’s going to need plenty of time. He’ll need to see you doing everything you can to help yourself get better. This is not going to have a magic fix. I would suspect (hope) he’ll calm down fairly soon when the fear has worn off a bit.
You know he’s angry because you scared him so badly.
He is perhaps not handling this very well right now but I can understand where he’s coming from.
He’s angry because he cares for you and the life you’ve built together.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 15:28

If anyone is a failure here it is this man and not you.

You can and will get better without him and the two of you anyway should no longer be together. Its over anyway or it should be because of both his ill treatment towards you and his previous cheating on you.

Your baby needs a calm environment to be raised in; you will not have that for your child because of the ways in which he treats you as this child's mother i.e. with utter contempt.

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:28

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Why have you apologised?.

You have some previous threads about this individual too and how he behaves around and to you.

Its his poor and otherwise abusive treatment of you that has caused all this to arise; not your behaviour in itself. He is a poor example of both a father and your partner. He has also cheated on you previously and I would not be at all surprised if he was doing this now.

I think that is what he was looking for, was an apology for wanting to leave him and my son behind but in the moment I wasn't thinking straight and quickly snapped out of it so I could get the help I needed. But I've researched that family can feel emotions and angry at things like this, and I feel like a massive failure. I think everything that has happened in my relationship the cheating ect and my life had just got on top of me at once because I try to hide it and be strong but I understand that I do need help
OP posts:
Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:30

@Smartiepants79

It’s going to need plenty of time. He’ll need to see you doing everything you can to help yourself get better. This is not going to have a magic fix. I would suspect (hope) he’ll calm down fairly soon when the fear has worn off a bit. You know he’s angry because you scared him so badly. He is perhaps not handling this very well right now but I can understand where he’s coming from. He’s angry because he cares for you and the life you’ve built together.
I do understand that's why I feel absolutely awful and unsure on what to do, Thankyou for your advice
OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 02/12/2021 15:32

So you felt suicidal and your partner is punishing you? Do you think people who feel so sad and desperate that they want to end it, deserve anyone's anger?

You partners reaction should be relief that you asked for help and compassion.

He can feel angry for you, but not with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 15:33

Can you go back to your grandad's house?.

MrsBobDylan · 02/12/2021 15:34

The best thing for you and your baby is to get away from this man. He will ruin both your lives.

Blaming yourself is a way of avoiding what this man is choosing to do to you.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2021 15:37

Maybe your DH is awful and unsupportive but it also could be the case that he was frightened and doesn’t know how to express it more constructively

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2021 15:37

Get rid of your shit partner. That's the best advice you'll ever get.

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:38

@MrsBobDylan

So you felt suicidal and your partner is punishing you? Do you think people who feel so sad and desperate that they want to end it, deserve anyone's anger?

You partners reaction should be relief that you asked for help and compassion.

He can feel angry for you, but not with you.

He made it clear that he's NOT thanking me for not going through with it, and because I didn't phone him straight away I think he's annoyed with that, but I could barely string a sentence together and just wanted to get help. He didn't answer me all morning because he couldn't bring himself too and it's just made me feel absolutely awful for everything especially when it's still quite raw.
OP posts:
Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:38

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Can you go back to your grandad's house?.
I've made plans to go back now
OP posts:
Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:44

@Hoppinggreen

Maybe your DH is awful and unsupportive but it also could be the case that he was frightened and doesn’t know how to express it more constructively
He is also annoyed (I think) because social services may involve them selves which I think I could do with some extra support but he hates them because that was one of the first things he said after saying he was heartbroken. He he is heading to support me but I think it's going to be a long road as even on the phone a minute ago he was being very blunt and I just didn't know what to say.
OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 02/12/2021 15:46

Fucking hell. You're suicidal and his response is to shout down the phone at you? Time to dump him, I think.

And I say that knowing that yes, suicide attempts can make you angry if you've been trying to support the suicidal person and they just don't seem to be ready to take care of themselves.

What you do in that case is effing pull yourself together and not show your frustration.

It's hard enough comung back from a suicide attempt, you don't need punishment and the other people have to be the grownups in this situation. Dump his ass.

itlod · 02/12/2021 15:52

So sorry to hear this OP. Glad you're getting the support from family but there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting support from social services or any other counselling/support service.

I've just read your post from Friday and your partner sounds like an absolute prick. He should be thinking about his role in you feeling as low as you do and asking how he can help!!

BurbageBrook · 02/12/2021 15:55

What the fuck? How DARE he be angry at a suicidal person? Your husband is an off-the-scale prick.

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 15:57

@ThreeLocusts

Fucking hell. You're suicidal and his response is to shout down the phone at you? Time to dump him, I think.

And I say that knowing that yes, suicide attempts can make you angry if you've been trying to support the suicidal person and they just don't seem to be ready to take care of themselves.

What you do in that case is effing pull yourself together and not show your frustration.

It's hard enough comung back from a suicide attempt, you don't need punishment and the other people have to be the grownups in this situation. Dump his ass.

It wasn't immediately he answered the phone bluntly and in an angry voice so I could already sense what I had caused, but when he was making points he would swear at me a lot too. So it's very clear this thing made him angry. I get how frustrating it is to try and help someone but I thought I was doing quite well for a little bit and i just spiralled. I told him aswell you're making me feel crazy for the things he was saying but he said I was making him feel insane ect and it genuinely made me feel awful because I wouldn't intentionally do that to someone in the right mind frame
OP posts:
stayignorant · 02/12/2021 15:59

That's vile of him to treat you like that at such a low point of your life when you need support. You deserve better. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling like that.. HE should be the one to feel guilty as YOU are the victim here. Unless he in fact does feel guilty and that's why he's making out he's the victim as maybe deep down he knows he's to blame for this. I would stay well away from him.

Also what if (god forbid) at some point your child goes through a difficult time and struggles with their mental health? How would you feel if he reacted in the same way to them? That's not how you treat someone you love.

Sorry you're going through this Thanks x

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 16:00

@itlod

So sorry to hear this OP. Glad you're getting the support from family but there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting support from social services or any other counselling/support service.

I've just read your post from Friday and your partner sounds like an absolute prick. He should be thinking about his role in you feeling as low as you do and asking how he can help!!

What I've heard social services are quite helpful. I personally don't think they will be involved but if they are I don't see anything wrong with it, they wouldn't get involved unless I needed it. But my partner has had a bad experience with them and I think he is worried about that. I just don't know, I always feel like the bad person no matter what happens, and now this, the day after aswell, I feel like his support is going to be helpful but I can't see him being nice about it I think he's going to be very straight forward with me.
OP posts:
Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 16:01

@BurbageBrook

What the fuck? How DARE he be angry at a suicidal person? Your husband is an off-the-scale prick.
I think he is a mixture. He said his emotions are running high and he was heartbroken aswell, I can understand it but I don't think the timing was good with it, maybe if he spoke about this tommorow I'd be able to cope with it better.
OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 02/12/2021 16:03

You're blaming yourself so you don't have to face the fact that your toxic relationship with this man is the cause of mostly all your problems and how you feel about them.

Apolosing to him wont make any difference. Based on your previous threads - He doesn't like you.

You can't force a man to like or love you and it never bodes well to love a man more than you love yourself. Suicide attempts won't sway him.

Access help and therapy get out of your toxic relationship (are you even still together?) then hopefully you'll put yourself first and find peace in your life

Original poster
marvmaise · 02/12/2021 16:06

@stayignorant

That's vile of him to treat you like that at such a low point of your life when you need support. You deserve better. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling like that.. HE should be the one to feel guilty as YOU are the victim here. Unless he in fact does feel guilty and that's why he's making out he's the victim as maybe deep down he knows he's to blame for this. I would stay well away from him.

Also what if (god forbid) at some point your child goes through a difficult time and struggles with their mental health? How would you feel if he reacted in the same way to them? That's not how you treat someone you love.

Sorry you're going through this Thanks x

He did talk about himself a lot and I did say to him this is about me getting better, yet I still feel horrible. I think maybe because it's so raw if we had this conversation say tommorow I'd be able to cope better. I think I just didn't call him and that made him more upset and took to long to get back to him (thought my mother was keeping him updated) while I was seeking help and yeah I can see I did a few things wrong and didn't handle things the right way at all, but at the time my head was such a mess I never felt like it in my life time. I just had no idea what to do, I had my mind on one thing only. I have tried explaining this to him but he said he has other things to say about it but until I'm stable he won't say them, which has made me more worried
OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 02/12/2021 16:10

You have had a serious mental health episode and are obviously not well. This is not your fault. You did so, so well to access appropriate help and support from family and professionals very quickly so that both you and your baby could be safe. You've now got access to the meds and therapy you need.

It is absolutely imperative that you have the right conditions in place to be able to recover. You cannot recover when you live with someone who is emotionally abusing you. Your immediate actions once you knew you were in crisis were great (I.e. seeking help from your mum, getting medical attention). You need to make sure that your next steps are also the right ones otherwise you risk jeopardising the well-being of yourself and your child. You need to remove yourself and your baby from this man. It sounds from references to your other threads like you have supportive family who you could stay with and who would help you.

stayignorant · 02/12/2021 16:22

So he's upset because you didn't call him? Not because you're going through a difficult time? He sounds like a narcissist who only cares about what people think of him even in this situation! I really feel for you, you shouldn't feel horrible or guilty about this at all. He's doing it on purpose, making you worried about what he's going to say.. stringing you along.. he's only going to make your mental health problems worse by doing that. It's like he's enjoying his power over you and using it to abuse you. Sounds like you'd be happier without him Sad x