Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just disrespectful to me now?

43 replies

Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 11:38

I'm over a year into a relationship now that has been a slow build up. It's been a strange start really. He was almost 2 years single when we met. I remember the ex girlfriend being mentioned within days and he said they were just friends and he painted her as a supportive lovely woman who was happy for him meeting me. But over the first couple of months I struggled with the bond they had. I felt out the picture and almost ran for the hills. But he reassured me they were friends and never even met up anymore. They just messaged to see how the other way. Their relationship had ended bumpy due to both of them not really being what the other wanted or needed and my boyfriend fell apart after they ended and needed councilling.

I found out in July she hadn't known who I was originally and had only just found out who I was and she had been to check me out on Facebook. We had already had many wobbles over how I felt about them still contacting one another and his mentioning of her was becoming something I couldn't cope with all the time. She started messaging him expressing concerns about women in general and added my name to a list of why do you talk to her. She insulted me aswel when he said how much I make him happy and sarcastically called me a super hero. I know they had a little disagreement and he did apparently defend me. But rather than cut her off he has always left the door open to her.

6 weeks ago I was ready to end it. I told him for some reason I've never been able to get comfortable with him having this mysterious ex he's forever texting and knows what she's doing. I felt I needed to perhaps end it. As we were clashing about trust. We sat down and talked for an hour and I asked all the questions. He fully explained their relationship, their split and why they realised they should be friends and not hate eachother after so many years. I felt I could get past it at that point. It made sense and I felt secure. About 3 weeks after he blocked her on fb even though they were not friends on it she was spying. They hadn't spoken since.

We were laid in bed last night and about 9pm she put hey x in a message.
I'm so gutted as I think he was finally starting to see It wasn't a Healthy situation for any of us. I told him this morning he could do as he wanted but if she starts saying things about me again I'd like to know. He got defensive and said he wished he hadn't told me.

I'm just so fed up her popping back up ever couple of months to check he's OK when she has it in for me for no reason other than she doesn't like the idea of him with someone else. It's been 3 years in March they split.

I feel like she's playing games to see if she can still get attention. He always sees the good in her and feels he's doing the right thing being polite to someone he shared 8 years with.

I know I can't say anything to him right now but I feel like saying to him I feel so stressed knowing she's back in touch with you.

What would you do?

OP posts:
antwacky · 02/12/2021 11:47

I would dump him! He's loving the whole situation, it's a massive ego boost for him, it's making him feel very specialHmm Don't let him treat you like this. He needs to grow up and move on from this woman. He's loving the drama of it all. Flowers

QuestionNumberOne · 02/12/2021 11:50

Yeah this relationship has no future. Imagine staying with him and his forever ex. Always the little texts and strangeness. Nope. Intolerable really.

Maze76 · 02/12/2021 11:54

She’s feeding off the drama- distance yourself from the both of them and watch what happens. Your OHs actions will tell you all you need to know.

Buildingthefuture · 02/12/2021 11:58

I would ask him to block her. She has been slagging you off, its making you unhappy, they split 3 years ago, have no DC, why do they need to stay in touch? If he won't then I think you need to move on.
My (now) DHs ex girlfriend tried a bit of this after we got together...general getting in touch for chitchat, interspersed with some digs at me ( I wasn't the reason they split) and telling him how much she missed him etc. He voluntarily blocked her everywhere so she (who didn't know me) called me at work!! She got short shrift from me, and we've never heard from her since. If he had stayed in touch with her, after she slagged me off? We wouldn't be married now!!

Wombat69 · 02/12/2021 12:04

My DH has one of these, doesn't want him but wants attention. She dumped him, then carried on leaning on him for support. He moved away, we met and she decided to visit. I was not happy but very young & not confident. It did not go well as I lost the plot. Anyway, we had a massive row and he stopped contacting her...

Anyway, every so often she still pops up, often in work situations. It's really been quite odd and there's more gone on but that's a thread of its own.

He's a very good DH, so I have no worries but I'm posting to say these situations can drag on for years. If you have any doubts about his motives, bin him off now.

Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 12:05

It's always so hard for me to talk to him.about it. He carries alot of guilt and responsibility for her and he needs therapy.

I suspect he's co dependent on her. His mum's dead. He has no bond with his dad and his brother lives too far away. He has a couple of male friends and lots of work aqaintances but he's very alone in the sense none of his family live near him. I think he struggled massively with how alone he was after they split and he moved out and got really depressed.

Its so frustrating. She kept everything. He had spent thousands on the house and garden and he was never on the mortgage. He left her with everything and took the scraps and is now trying to build his life back up. It's like he still thinks she needs protecting and it makes him feel better that he can be there if she needs him. He has plenty of negative things to say about her yet he gets quite defensive if I try say anything about her behaviour.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 02/12/2021 12:07

I would walk away.
It's not worth getting caught up in this shit between them.
They aren't 'over'. That much is obvious. I don't mean by that that they are having an affair.

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2021 12:08

Dump him because you’re not his priority; she is

He should have blocked her

Aprilx · 02/12/2021 12:09

I am trying to imagine a scenario in which I would have kept in touch with an ex after meeting DH and there isn’t one.

The only scenario I can ever imagine I would do something like that would be if I still hoped to be with the ex and was passing time with the current person in the meantime.

It has been three years and you are still second fiddle here. If he wants to waste his time pining after the ex then let him but don’t waste your time too.

Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 12:12

This is my fear. I don't think he contacts her first often if ever. I used to presume it was phone calls and stuff too but he told me they only ever text. He has made it clear there's no sexual attraction for her and if she came around for a coffee he'd want her to drink it and bog off again. He said she would do his head in. He has told me she got obsessed with social media and was always boasting and saying she was popular. He struggled alot with her. He had a heart to heart with me recently and said he made the mistake of putting her on a pedestal and it was all about making her happy. That shows in what he used to do for her. It sounds like whatever he did she was still busy with her friends and loved the attention but never had time to give him it back. I know they had alot of happy times too and shared 8 years. But i can't help but think if she doesn't meet someone else for herself this will never end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 12:18

I feel like he must be over her or he'd be trying to win her back and not wasting time on me..he does seem much happier with me and he feels comfortable. He told his cousin that he's never felt like he's had attention before without having to beg and that he feelspre comfortable talking to me than he ever did with her. He said I know things about him he never told her. I do believe him I am a very different character.

I think there's just something he hasn't quite dealt with yet and I don't think it's sexual or the desire to be with her again. Maybe it is just grief? It's odd and I've never been in this situation before. I feel like messaging her myself but I know he'd end it with me at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 12:21

A friend told me to always be the positive one and don't get stroppy and stressed about her
And imagine we are two flowers in a garden. She said he will keep watering me and eventually she will wilt.

I kinda hope that's the case x

OP posts:
Aprilx · 02/12/2021 12:22

If there was nothing in this, you wouldn’t have posted in the first place as she simply wouldn’t be a feature in your lives. He chooses to keep her in his life.

sommer1 · 02/12/2021 12:23

I would of ended it ages ago, it's disrespectful to you that he carried on talking to her while in a relationship to you, she keeps popping up because he isn't doing enough to stop it, he fuels her attention by responding and he if contacts her first, I doubt he'll tell you.

I once had an ex bf who kept mentioning an ex kept contacting him, always coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't block her, I didn't want to believe the truth but it's because he's always got someone else there for attention.

Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 02/12/2021 12:28

Exactly that's what I'm trying to understand why he keeps her. They've had loads of chances to be together again. Meet up. Have sex. There's no reason he couldn't be with her again now. But that doesn't seem to be the intention.

I do believe he was still struggling with their split when we met. I think the last 6 months in particular hes realised alot and has massively seen he's blamed himself for too much of it. It's just she has some sort of pull on him still and she isn't respecting our relationship at all. I don't know how much she knows really about us.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 12:38

He is not respecting your relationship either.

I would urge you to dump him because he remains in a codependent relationship with his ex.

Salayes · 02/12/2021 13:49

Last time I was with someone who kept in contact line this with an ex he had sex with her behind my back when we hit a rocky patch three years into our relationship. Overnight almost she went from someone he moaned about and felt ‘obligated’ to, into someone who was wonderful and lovely and suddenly he was acting to me how he had acted about her for three years. We broke up not long after that. I expect they are still embroiled in some weird unhealthy dynamic to this day.

Onthedunes · 02/12/2021 14:10

You don't need this, being made to feel second best.

Sounds like they both still need one another in some way, it's a bit of a triangle that I would want out of.

Nah, find someone who is truly single in mind and body.

Wombat69 · 02/12/2021 14:37

I can't quite remember the name of the thing but it might be a drama triangle thingie, so hero/fixer & rescuee/victim/needy person.

billy1966 · 02/12/2021 15:02

Why are you settling for this drama?

Dump him and tell him they are welcome to each other.

He's not that into you, if he was he wouldn't be so comfortable upsetting you.

You are waating your time with him.

Newestname002 · 03/12/2021 13:17

@Trufflesinaboxx

I feel like messaging her myself but I know he'd end it with me at that point.

It's awful that you would think this is what would happen. However, he's the one who should have made it very clear, before getting to this stage, that she no longer has a place in his life. As well as telling her, he needs to follow through and block her on all platforms and certainly not entertaining thoughts of her coming for coffee! Why would he even consider that?

I'm afraid he's still embroiled with her and is also completely disrespecting you by the inconsistent way he's behaving towards his Ex. If he really is serious about a future with you, he should not only completely cut her off but also have some therapy to discover why he's still so Co-dependent on her.

Meanwhile I think you should back away and prepare for the fact that he won't or can't change the situation - in which you are second best. Not a place to be in if you are looking to a long-term commitment and future with him. 🌹

Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 03/12/2021 18:36

I know. Its like she pushes and pulls him. I think he tries so hard to not show me his emotions regarding her. He's mentioned a couple of memories involving her and her family today. Which is making me think is he thinking of her again because of yesterday.

It's like yesterday morning my mood just changed. I don't know if they had a catch up yesterday and I don't feel I can ask him. I should be able to say, so what did she want then? But I feel like it causes tension etc.

I've felt so good about us lately but now I'm like hmm maybe I don't want to be back here again wondering all the time.

OP posts:
Georgy12 · 03/12/2021 18:42

I'd dump him, he's not emotionally available.

Original poster
Trufflesinaboxx · 03/12/2021 21:34

I am at his house now. He has just fallen asleep and all I'm thinking about is how much I want to go home because he's mentioned her a couple of times today. He uses her last name to address her and it just makes me cringe inside. I just hate not knowing if they chatted yesterday and I feel like I should be allowed to ask.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 03/12/2021 21:39

I couldn't/ wouldn't be prepared live a half life with an emotionally unavailable man....

so on that basis I would break up with him.