Is this just disrespectful to me now?

[Trufflesinaboxx]

I'm over a year into a relationship now that has been a slow build up. It's been a strange start really. He was almost 2 years single when we met. I remember the ex girlfriend being mentioned within days and he said they were just friends and he painted her as a supportive lovely woman who was happy for him meeting me. But over the first couple of months I struggled with the bond they had. I felt out the picture and almost ran for the hills. But he reassured me they were friends and never even met up anymore. They just messaged to see how the other way. Their relationship had ended bumpy due to both of them not really being what the other wanted or needed and my boyfriend fell apart after they ended and needed councilling.

I found out in July she hadn't known who I was originally and had only just found out who I was and she had been to check me out on Facebook. We had already had many wobbles over how I felt about them still contacting one another and his mentioning of her was becoming something I couldn't cope with all the time. She started messaging him expressing concerns about women in general and added my name to a list of why do you talk to her. She insulted me aswel when he said how much I make him happy and sarcastically called me a super hero. I know they had a little disagreement and he did apparently defend me. But rather than cut her off he has always left the door open to her.

6 weeks ago I was ready to end it. I told him for some reason I've never been able to get comfortable with him having this mysterious ex he's forever texting and knows what she's doing. I felt I needed to perhaps end it. As we were clashing about trust. We sat down and talked for an hour and I asked all the questions. He fully explained their relationship, their split and why they realised they should be friends and not hate eachother after so many years. I felt I could get past it at that point. It made sense and I felt secure. About 3 weeks after he blocked her on fb even though they were not friends on it she was spying. They hadn't spoken since.

We were laid in bed last night and about 9pm she put hey x in a message.
I'm so gutted as I think he was finally starting to see It wasn't a Healthy situation for any of us. I told him this morning he could do as he wanted but if she starts saying things about me again I'd like to know. He got defensive and said he wished he hadn't told me.

I'm just so fed up her popping back up ever couple of months to check he's OK when she has it in for me for no reason other than she doesn't like the idea of him with someone else. It's been 3 years in March they split.

I feel like she's playing games to see if she can still get attention. He always sees the good in her and feels he's doing the right thing being polite to someone he shared 8 years with.

I know I can't say anything to him right now but I feel like saying to him I feel so stressed knowing she's back in touch with you.

What would you do?

I know what you mean. I feel so restless tonight. I just hate all these feelings that have come back. I was just starting to feel positive again

Just leave. You will always play second fiddle to this woman

You deserve someone who makes you the priority. Life is too short to waste on people who treat you like this

I’d end it. It’s clearly taking a huge toll on your health and well-being and if he cared about you in the way he should he would have taken steps long ago to do something about that
Why is he mentioning her to you? The whole thing is just weird and dramatic and a drain on your life.

@Trufflesinaboxx

A friend told me to always be the positive one and don't get stroppy and stressed about her And imagine we are two flowers in a garden. She said he will keep watering me and eventually she will wilt.

I kinda hope that's the case x

That made me want to throw up.

Worst advice ever

He is watering you both and thriving off the drama. Don’t let him use you to a) make her jealous and b) stroke his ego.

He's not available

Stop making excuses for him ( he's grieving/ bla bla bla).
The bottom line is that this man is not an emotional grown up.

But what's your deal that you're accepting this?

She sounds like a narcissist, OP. She fleeced him for all he had, then dumped him. Left him in a state he still hasn't recovered from. Hoovers him whenever she feels the need to get a little boost from knowing he's thinking about her. Likes to mess in your relationship too - she doesn't want him to be happy and get over her.

Firstly, I would not under any circumstances message her directly. That would only invite a world of drama.

However, I would tell your boyfriend that you're sick of hearing about her. That he is being disrespectful to you. That he needs to get over it. But he's the one who has to realise what a toxic influence this woman has been and continues to be in his life. You could do him a favour, if you stop seeing him, by telling him clearly that it's his continued entanglement with his narcissistic ex that has ruined your relationship. Maybe it will be the thing that finally allows him to see her for what she is.

You deserve a boyfriend who is fully into you. I don't think anyone could blame you for walking away.

If he didn't entertain her she would be a non issue. He isn't available to be in a relationship with you.

Unless you have children with an ex, there's usually no good reason to have them still in your life. My experience is they just cause trouble (especially when there's a new partner on the scene).

I'd be quite harsh in this situation. It's her or me. He doesn't sound emotionally strong enough to do the right thing and she has no respect for you. This problem won't go away.

I got ALL my exes out of my life before my last relationship...

Hello OP,
I once knew a man like this myself. He was quite a nice man taken on his own but the web of half-secret relationships he'd made were poisoning everything. Not sure why he'd done it, and it was less obvious when we were young (20s, as I'm assuming you are).
As nice as my version of this man was I'm glad I eventually shook him off, he never would be up to any good. As you have identified yourself, he needs therapy.
There are very nice men out there you know, men who will be thinking of just you uncomplicatedly first! Men who will make you laugh and feel confident

What @beastlyslumber said above. Tell him that very calmly. Say you're really fed up with it and you can see it will drag on and on and even though you think loads of him, you're just not prepared to live with that indefinitely. Do not let him make it about your reaction, you're jealous, you can't handle his past etc. Push back if he says that. You simply don't want a life where someone is still entangled like this.

Are you still at his house? I would go home if he's fallen asleep and leave a note / text to say you've gone and will speak to him soon. It's just one more piece of a pattern. This, for example
He's mentioned a couple of memories involving her and her family today
He is choosing to do. He thinks you can be his therapist over the issues between him and her! No, distance yourself.

He is disrespectful to you.
Despite knowing his ongoing contact with this ex upsets you, he won’t block her because he enjoys the attention and having 2 women competing for his attention.
What an ego boost for him!
Are you sure he hasn’t slept with her since the start of your relationship ?
Dump him and find someone who makes you a priority.

Dump dump dump dump. I dated someone like this. It didn’t get better. I pushed him to choose me once and for all in the form of blocking her everywhere and telling her to stop - long story short, he didn’t/wouldn’t. If he didn’t want to be in touch with her anymore he wouldn’t be. This won’t stop and it won’t end well for you.

He's mentioned a couple of memories involving her and her family today.

@Trufflesinaboxx Ohmagerrd. Have you ever told him to STFU about her? You're not his therapist, and why would you want to know about his memories of his ex? Unless they were negative memories and he thought it'd reassure you? Either way, stepping into girlfriend-as-therapist territory. You're not alive just to make him feel better, you're a person just as much as he is.

all I'm thinking about is how much I want to go home because he's mentioned her a couple of times today. He uses her last name to address her and it just makes me cringe inside. I just hate not knowing if they chatted yesterday and I feel like I should be allowed to ask.

Aaargh, bin him.

I’m so sorry, I believe a relationship shouldn’t be this hard, you shouldn’t have to worry like this. I don’t think he’s for you I’m sorry ☹️

She isn't playing games, HE'S the game player, you two women are his pawns.

Look up "triangulation"...then dump him and block. And get counselling.

When I was in my early 20s I saw no harm staying in touch with my ex's. We were friends before we got together and I didn't want to lose that. However when I met my now DH and he expressed it made him uncomfortable I stopped. I did it without hesitation because I would not have wanted to hurt or upset him.

He obviously still has some really strong unresolved emotions regarding his ex that he needs to work through, and there's no knowing how long that might take or if he is even motivated to do so. You don't need to go along for the ride, you have every right to be your partner's top priority.