Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i be concerned? (work related)

54 replies

AllGoodOverHere · 01/12/2021 16:50

Hey All,

This is a strange one for me. I will try my best to be as quick but detailed as I can be.

I have been at my job for almost 10 months, I work in Sales and Marketing, I'm 25 and female. Everyone that I work with is really lovely and I feel super lucky to have landed a new job in the midst of Covid.

However, the company has a self-employed Sales Rep who pops in the office maybe every couple of months when needed. He mostly works remotely. He must be in his mid 50's and has worked for the company for many years, so they all really have a great relationship with him, professionally and personally.

This is where I am stuck, as I have picked up on situations that are making me feel extremely uncomfortable, and I'm not sure if it's just me, or if I have a right to feel the way I do. So please help me to understand.

Examples:

1.) I feel that he makes a beeline to come and chat with me at my desk when he is visiting the office because I do not see him doing this with anyone else. Generally, I have noticed that with everyone else, he is not as talkative or bubbly.

2.) There was an occasion where he was explaining in detail what other work he does outside of the company that I work for. He proceeded to go to his car and then gifted me a cosmetic bag that was crafted by a company he works for, which at first I declined but afterward I accepted as I thought it was a kind gesture.

He did this in front of everyone and once he had left, jokes by the guys in my office were made along the lines of "oh he must like you then!". This made me feel funny but I brushed it off.

3.) In the sector that we are in we attend shows and exhibitions which we often have to travel for. As I have only been here 10 months, I attended my first one a couple of months ago which was local to my home so I didn't have to travel luckily for me. I attended this with my manager and the said Sales rep.

I found once the show had ended, people were drinking and there was a more relaxed atmosphere, he began to ask a lot of questions. Rather personal, in relation to my family, what I do outside of work etc. He was also telling me about his children, his grandchildren, and his wife, so I truly believed this was innocent. He then asked, "if there was a man on the scene". At that moment, I felt a subconscious need to lie and say that there is, but I told the truth and said I was single. That evening, after a few drinks, my manager and the rep were going for a meal and they invited me along, I declined but the rep was very persistent and was almost begging me to come, as soon as he nipped to the bathroom my manager said it would be fine if I left and believe me I did.

This made me feel uneasy as I felt my manager had also waited for him to go to the bathroom before he told me to leave? Maybe I'm looking into this too deeply, but I feel confident that he knew I felt uncomfortable?

4.) He often would call the office and ask to speak to me but he now has my direct line and calls weekly for a chat. In all honesty, he has no reason to be calling me as it's not work-related, he asks how my day has been and for any updates with work. I have explained that unless it's a work-related issue, I am not ok with being sat on the phone having a chat. I am then met with a jokey response and to this day, he continues to call.

5.) I often have to send client emails and on the odd occasion, I have to copy him into an email he ALWAYS responds to me personally with an odd comment which I have NEVER responded to.

Examples that I am reading from my email right now are
"Well done for doing this"
"This is great, You're so clever"
"Thanks (then my second name)"

This one makes me feel particularly uncomfortable "You're a good girl" and one that he sent this afternoon which was "you are so sophisticated!!!".

As I said, I never respond to any of them so I don't know why he continues to do it.

6.) On one of the calls when he phoned a couple of weeks ago, he asked to take me for a "work drink". I said I'm pretty busy but we were all celebrating our Christmas do in a couple of weeks and I specifically mentioned that the whole company would then be able to get together to drink. He made a comment of "oh yeah but that's with everyone" I pretended not to hear this and he asked me to "text him" in regards to the Christmas thing. I didn't as I didn't want him to have my personal number.

7.) He called the office this afternoon and asked if I am around tomorrow as he is dropping in to see his "friend". I'm assuming he's referring to me, but luckily I'm working from home tomorrow, so I advised him that manager's name will be in and then he abruptly had to get off the phone.

There are a few more incidents also, but I would say these are the biggest concerns for me.

I am supposed to be attending an exhibition in January which I am expected to travel to and stay overnight for 2 days. I will be attending with my manager and the said Sales Rep. My instinct is screaming at me that I need to flag this with my company as, to be honest, I don't feel comfortable going especially if I have to stay overnight, as there will be drinking involved and I will be staying on my own.

Am I right to be feeling this? please do tell me if it sounds as if he is just being friendly and I have blown this out of proportion. I just can't help the uneasy feeling I get when he is around.

If I am right, how do I go about it without causing a huge problem/scene? I can't imagine they will fire him, so I have to continue working with him or find a new job?

Thank you :)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/12/2021 16:59

When you go to the work event you do nit drink and stick with the manager abs be blunt "you are making me feel uncomfortable", "that comment was inappropriate"

Salayes · 01/12/2021 16:59

I’m sorry this is happening to you and I think you are very right to feel the way you do. It does not sound right and he is massively overstepping professional boundaries. Do you feel
comfortable raising this with your manager or with someone in HR?

It is not you, just reading what you wrote gave me the creeps, he’s trying it on and ignoring the fact you’re clearly not responding or comfortable with it. Anyone with any sense would have backed off by now but he’s trying to wear your boundaries down.

Gazelda · 01/12/2021 17:10

I think you are right to feel uncomfortable about this. He sounds like a lech.
Maybe have a chat with your manager. It sounds as though he's got an idea what this rep is like. It's managers job to make sure you don't feel vulnerable while at work or on a work trip.

Momijin · 01/12/2021 17:11

Yuck. I would tell your manager (especially as they already seemed to have picked up on it) and I would tell the rep to stop contacting you outside of work related stuff. If that is too uncomfortable then ignore him when he talks to you outside of work stuff. Don't be polite.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 01/12/2021 17:35

YANBU. I'd feel exactly the same if this happened to me.

Yes, you need to have a chat with your manager about this. Don't suffer in silence.

SummerWhisper · 01/12/2021 17:38

Join a union.

Tell your manager straight away, requesting a meeting regarding concerns for your safety. Write up this post and email it to him in advance of the meeting. You can also copy in your HR rep.

Request a union rep or trusted colleague accompany you to the meeting.

Ask your manager for support in making you feel safe and to ensure that the sales rep will be advised of this meeting.

You have behaved impeccably in all of this and the sales rep has not. Be prepared for his petulant reaction to you from now on.

All the best Flowers

ExpectingLady93 · 01/12/2021 17:38

Jesus this would be too much for me! I'm a similar age to you and this gives me the icks a bit. Why would he ask about a partner? I've had this before and I've lied also.

Just seems his boundaries are very non existent at times or he is just massively friendly and just too 'loud' .... perhaps if he was like it with everyone it wouldn't be so bad.

Is he good looking?

ExpectingLady93 · 01/12/2021 17:39

Also OP tell your manager like the other comments have said. Perhaps they can put a distance between you both.

RandomMess · 01/12/2021 17:41

I would put your concerns in writing to your manager - the list you have written on here about the phone calls, asking you to text him etc.

Putting it in writing gives you an evidence trail if it needs to be escalated.

nocnoc · 01/12/2021 17:42

You are right. He’s being very unprofessional. He’s a sex pest and as a sales rep he’s used to getting what he wants and using bullying tactics. He’s hoping to wear you down with persistence or catch you off guard. He’s got the hots for you and it’s really yukky and not ok. Flag it with your manager that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable. You don’t want personal phone calls or inappropriate emails. The good girl one is particularly misogynistic. He’s above himself and arrogant and it’s not fair you are being subjected to this. He’s had his career. You’re just starting. Do not let this arsehole ruin your career. Take him down now. I’m assuming you are attractive so it’s wise to use this to learn. You are going to be a magnet for misogynistic Middle Aged sex pests with wives at home who think their king of the world. Do not get involved or you will fuck your career. Don’t let a bloke derail you. Read up on HR policy. Knowledge is power

CPL593H · 01/12/2021 18:12

Ask where he parked the DeLorean as he needs to return to the 80s...

Seriously, flag with your manager, keep everything he sends via text/email and be as formal and neutral as possible in all your dealings with him. Rapidly cut off the weekly phone calls. He's NOT just being friendly, he has an agenda and fortunately things have moved on a bit and if your company are anything like decent, you won't be expected to just deal with it on your own.

1Ta1T · 01/12/2021 18:21

You are right to be concerned. In isolation each thing could be innocent but it is a hell of a pattern.

Talk to your manager. This is one of the things they are there for!

icelolly12 · 01/12/2021 18:28

Eww, he's definitely trying it on. Is there anyway you can ignore his phone calls and then assess whether they need a call back based on the voicemail message left. Also ignore emails but save and print any with personal compliments/inappropriate remarks as evidence.

Have a chat with your line manager and explain you don't feel comfortable in any one on one situations with him in or out of the office. Next time he's in the office ignore him - be on the phone or something.

Mojoj · 01/12/2021 18:29

Just tell him straight you're not interested?

Viviennemary · 01/12/2021 18:36

He is an absolute menace. I would approach your manager and say you want somebody else to deal with him as the situation is getting out of hand with his unwanted attentions. If they are not sympathetic then you will have to consider making a formal complaint about inappropriate unwanted behaviour or to put it plainly sexual harassment.

icelolly12 · 01/12/2021 18:41

Images of Finchy from The Office are definitely springing to mind.

blueshoes · 01/12/2021 18:47

I am so sorry. I would feel afraid and unsafe in your shoes.

People can clearly see what is going on. Do you have any work friends (to the extent that colleagues can be friends) that you can chat with more informally in the workplace to get their take on the situation. I would have thought 10 months is enough to form some closer bonds, particularly if they are younger and female as well who will emphatise with being the subject of predatory male attention.

If not, that is fine. The fact is this did not escape the attention of your manager (who seems a little lame for saying asking you to leave outside of pest's earshot) and it will not have escaped your colleagues' attention. People know the dynamic between sad middle aged bloke and young female.

Can you chat to someone neutral like HR or is this such a small company that everyone is 'in' with pest?

How good is he as a Sales Rep? Does he bring in a lot of sales. This is just to gauge how valuable monetary-wise is he to the company and how much they would lose if the company backed you over him. This in turn influences how your next steps.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 01/12/2021 18:51

I think you need to tell him firmly you are making me feel comfortable. He comes to chat say I’ve got to get on and the same when he rings for a chat and repeat it . I’m older that you op but I remember sleazy men double my age being ‘ friendly ‘ but yes he definitely is making a beeline for you I would definitely speak to your line manager that he is making you feel uncomfortable. Speak about everything in your op others would most definitely have noticed. if you don’t say something it will continue and it’s really not on . It really bloody annoys me middle aged men thinking they can get it on with a much younger woman . No op speak up it’s not on .

CuriousCassie · 01/12/2021 19:08

@blueshoes

I am so sorry. I would feel afraid and unsafe in your shoes.

People can clearly see what is going on. Do you have any work friends (to the extent that colleagues can be friends) that you can chat with more informally in the workplace to get their take on the situation. I would have thought 10 months is enough to form some closer bonds, particularly if they are younger and female as well who will emphatise with being the subject of predatory male attention.

If not, that is fine. The fact is this did not escape the attention of your manager (who seems a little lame for saying asking you to leave outside of pest's earshot) and it will not have escaped your colleagues' attention. People know the dynamic between sad middle aged bloke and young female.

Can you chat to someone neutral like HR or is this such a small company that everyone is 'in' with pest?

How good is he as a Sales Rep? Does he bring in a lot of sales. This is just to gauge how valuable monetary-wise is he to the company and how much they would lose if the company backed you over him. This in turn influences how your next steps.

This. @blueshoes has it in one.
ProfessionalWeirdo · 02/12/2021 11:10

How good is he as a Sales Rep? Does he bring in a lot of sales. This is just to gauge how valuable monetary-wise is he to the company and how much they would lose if the company backed you over him. This in turn influences how your next steps.

Just a thought - does your manager (or, for that matter, anyone in authority) also come from a sales background? There's no easy way of saying this, but in my experience salesmen tend to stick together - so this might determine who you choose to talk to.

I once worked for a company where the Area Manager was a former salesman, and he always saw two points of view: the salesman's point of view, and the wrong point of view. If there was ever a conflict between the Sales Department and the Operations Department (the latter being the ones who actually did the work), the AM ALWAYS backed the Sales Department, even when they were obviously at fault.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case in your situation, OP, but if you do get an unsympathetic response, this might well be the reason.

Livinlalidavoca · 03/12/2021 09:14

I think I would tell him outright but first meet with your manager and say this is happening, it's making you extremely uncomfortable and you intend to tell him so. That way you're sighting them so if he turns nasty or it doesn't work and you need further support, they're already aware and primed. You may want to follow this manager conversation up by email for your records.

GlitterBiscuits · 03/12/2021 09:27

Ask him what he wants for Christmas as he is the same age as your dad and you need suggestions
Then say, actually you might be a bit older than my dad.

Triffid1 · 03/12/2021 09:39

OP, the sense I get is that you would not be comfortable talking to him directly to say you are uncomfortable. And I think that's completely fine. The point of policies and the light being shone on workplace harassment by things like #metoo was specifically because there are many women who are not comfortable with the dynamic and it is up to the people who have the power to deal with it, not the women themselves. Also, I imagine you are uncomfortable with talking directly to him because of any potential fall out.

It does sound like your manager is aware, but being a bit wet about it. However, that should be your starting point. Arrange a proper time to talk to your manager and take along a list of issues, such as you have outlined here.

Then you need to see how your manager responds. If he is a bit wishy washy and vague, you may have to take it further - depending on your company, that might be HR, your manager's manager, your pest's manager etc.

Jayaywhynot · 03/12/2021 09:40

Instincts are there for a reason, trust them.
He's massively stepping over the line.
As your manager is already aware that he makes you uncomfortable, telling you that you can leave when the rep went to the bathroom, raise it, make some notes and take them with you.
Be prepared for the rep to say he was only joking, he was being friendly, kind, you're overreacting etc. Stick to your guns.
None of that is an excuse, he's making you uncomfortable and it needs to stop, you're manager has a duty of care to make sure you feel safe at work.
You're not overreacting, this, unfortunately, is how some men behave and it needs nipping in the bud.
Update us op, good luck

Bookworm20 · 03/12/2021 09:57

Some of the things on their own sound like he is just being friendly but adding it all up, I'd be feeling very uneasy too.
Especially the asking you for a drink, that is crossing a line. Unless he was taking a few of you from the office at the same time, it just does not sit well.

I never normally recommend something like this, but I think its time to invent a boyfriend. You don't want to leave your job and he has been there years so not likely to be fired or pulled up on it as nothing as actually happened as such. So perhaps next time you see him mentioning you have a new boyfriend and you're sooooo happy. He might get the message then and back off and you can do your job without worrying about him trying to come onto you.

I completely agree that this is something you shouldn't have to do, but save from leaving your job to get the message across to this creep I am not sure what else you can try. If that doesn't work then you need to go to your manager, although as nothing has actually happened as such, it could be seen as him being friendly which he will most definitely play it that way.

Sometimes this is the only thing these types of men understand unfortunately. You no longer being 'on the market' so to speak. Its grim, but may be worth a shot.