Warning rape - hand hold please

[myothercarisaskoda]

My 14 year old daughter disclosed to her school the other week that she was raped months ago by her then boyfriend. She's held it in all that time, but was really relieved when it came out, and has seemed so much happier since.

It was a terrible thing for her to go through and to hold in, and I felt so sorry for her when she told us.

I can't describe the emotions I felt.

We told the police. They've given her time but she's decided not to do anything about it. I respect her decision.

I'm angry he's got away with it and I'm in a mess. I know the main thing is that my daughter feels so much better for disclosing it, and she's away from that bastard and safe but how do I deal with it? I'm angry beyond belief.

The police won't do anything as it would take my daughter's trust away from them. Her reason for not taking it further is because she justs wants it done, understandably.

Just some words of comfort please. Please please be kind.

Whilst difficult it may be for you to understand you need to stand by your daughter and accept what she wants, by not going to the police and dropping charges that's her wishes and it's easier for her to deal with and move on. Almost out of sight/ mind. I really hope she has lost ALL contact with this boyfriend and so sorry this happened to her, I'm not sure how I would even feel if that was my daughter. How awful OP

Sadly the chances are even if she did continue with the police investigation he’d still get away with it. The percentage of cases that even make it to trial are tiny never mind actual convictions.

Take your time, and use friends or family for support - it’s going to take a while for this to settle for you all, that’s just part of it and tbh, if you weren’t shaken to your core I’d be worried.

So sorry to hear this.

Sorry to hear your daughter was harmed in this way. I can understand your anger, rage and sadness.
You could contact the rape crisis service helpline. They can offer you advice on dealing with the emotional impact from this on yourself.
This wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
No amount of mothering could have prevented what happened to her.
If you get emotional support for yourself, this will help your daughter in the long run. A bit like putting on your own oxygen mask first, so that you can help your children.

Is he in the same school?

I am so so so sorry op for your daughter and you this is all parents with daughters worst nightmare.
I am so glad she seems to be better for speaking out.

Personally (and l don't recommend you do this) l would be having a very harsh chat with ex boyfriend and let everyone in his orbit know he is a rapist.

Thank you so much for the replies.

Yes I completely respect her wishes and I can see how/why she wants to now move on from it.

That was always my concern that he would probably get away with it anyway. It consumes me that he could do it again. I at least, just wanted him to be visited by the police to be warned but she doesn't even want that.

Thank you for the further comments, I'm reading it all and it means so much. I'm crying again.

He goes to another school in a different town.

She's having counselling and I'm starting mine soon.

My irrational side is to speak to his parents, tell them we reported it, and that she decided to not take it further. But then this could cause problems for my daughter. Can't believe he suffers no consequence.

I'm just shaking terribly, I can't control it.

Would she let you talk to his parents?

@girlmom21 I don't think she would. But I'll consider asking her.

@myothercarisaskoda I would if I was you. If his parents know at least they might be able to protect future girls/women in some way.

I hope you and your DD are ok x

Thank you X

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. All I can say is just continue to be supportive of what she wants or needs to happen. At the moment I guess she feels relieved she has now told someone, but that relief may well wear off and she will start finding it hard again. Just let her know that if she ever changes her mind in reporting it, it is never too late to do so.
I would also try and encourage her to let you speak with his parents so that they know. Tell her it is because you need them to be aware in case he has had previous girlfriends or gets another girlfriend and is very likely to do this again to another girl. Can you let them know but not disclose who your daughter is? Were they aware of the relationship?

Obviously something else which I would absolutely consider, but which I can't advocate or encourage is to have a few male family members pay the little piece of shit a visit.

I absolutely HATE that I’m writing this….. but when I saw you said dd had decided not to pursue it I actually felt relieved for you.
I’ve been through crown court as a rape victim, in my mid 30’s and as a strong woman, it nearly broke me and made the rape trauma so so much worse.

I’m so glad she’s told you and has a mum who respects her wishes. With lots of love and time I’m sure she’ll be ok

I understand that she would prefer to move on from this, poor girl. She must also consider that if he goes unpunished he will be able to reoffend and another poor female will be in her situation.
Unfortunately this understandable apprehension of victims to press charges is what this type of offender relies on to allow continuation of their abhorrent behaviour.

Your poor daughter. Did he admit to anything in a message? I would want to talk to his parents but worry that if you have nothing to prove it, they could make you feel so much worse.

I personally would be having a very forceful chat with him that he wouldn't be walking away from but I don't recommend you do that. Talking to his parents is quite a good idea, I think.

I'd so what she asked and leave it if he thinks she's told nobody, yes he thinks he gets away with it. But getting a visit from police "warning" him?! They may as well legally put it in writing that he's gotten away with it. Ditto talking to his parents, who are only going to take his side, believe his lies and badmouth your DD. Let it go. It's not your battle to fight. You deal with it by getting support for yourself, which includes coming to terms with the fact you can do absolutely nothing whatsoever about this scumbag without making it worse for DD.

That's awful OP and I can't begin to imagine how you feel. If anything happened to my niece I know exactly what I'd want to do - go round and beat the shit out of him, but it wouldn't actually solve anything would it?

A similar thing happened to me years ago and he got away with it too as I felt I wouldn't be listened to by the Police. It was a relationship which went wrong, as it were. You never get over it completely but can learn to put it behind you. I hope the counselling helps you both

Thank you for the further replies, I've read them all. Sorry @Arabelladrinkstea about your experience, did you get counselling? I'm taking your comment on board, I don't want her to suffer like you did in court, and for it to destroy her any further.

@prettyteapotsplease I'm sorry that it happened to you and that you weren't listened to. Glad you've put it behind you.

No absoluely nothing was discussed between the two of them afterwards.

The parents were aware of the very short relationship. They were in the house at the time of the rape!!! I suppose that's a consideration, to make them aware but not disclose who it is? I don't want to be making rash decisions and it not be the right thing though.

I'm glad that we're all getting support but talking on here is a massive help, thank you all.

The same happened to me when I was 13 and I held it in til I was 16 when I finally told my mum. Her reaction was 'oh don't be stupid of course you weren't' which sounds awful and really upset me at the time but I think I understand why she said it now.

She couldn't believe that had happened to me and she hadn't known, she was a good, involved mum and we were close so I think she went through complete denial in that first moment and then feeling that she'd failed me because she hadn't known. I distanced myself from her at that point because I couldn't deal with her feelings about what happened to me as well as my own.

What I needed was unequivocal support and for my feelings to be prioritised, not to have to deal with anyone else's feelings about what happened to me. I needed my mum to find a way to deal with her feelings away from me, instead I ended up feeling I needed to reassure her that it wasn't her fault/failing that I couldn't tell her.

So that's my advice OP, she needs you to be calm and supportive, to let her make her own decisions and not to burden her with your feelings about her trauma. As a mum to a teenage girl now myself I have a lot of sympathy for your position too and you do need support and an outlet for your anger. Maybe some counselling sessions so you have a neutral place to offload? for both of you, I'm sorry that happened to your DD.

@Letmedownagain I'm so sorry to hear that. And I understand your comment regarding her needing me to be calm and supportive, which is exactly what I'm doing and luckily she's come to me several times to open up. But I'm afraid to say that I broke down in front of her when she told me, I couldn't control it. (The school rang me saying that they'd encouraged her to tell me herself).

I am so sorry, how awful and your feelings are understandable. To my knowledge, since the police have gathered this information from your daughter, it is considered ‘intelligence’ or ‘soft information’ by police, meaning that in future if further allegations are made by him they are linked to the info your daughter provides. It doesn’t mean they will contact her or can use her information to prosecute, but I believe it’s held there and factored into risk assessment processes. So it’s not that nothing has happened. I work in a related field but not in police though so would be good if someone who works in the police could come along to help clarify.

And also just to remind you - she is happier because she has disclosed and been believed. Being disbelieved is one of the biggest indicators of poor mental health outcomes for victims of abuse. So although you probably feel helpless, you are doing something so important by validating her experience and loving her, obvious as that seems to you - not everyone does that when people disclose so please remind yourself of that when you feel you want to ‘do’ something - you already are.