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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Flirty partner help

33 replies

Wolfgirl14 · 01/12/2021 09:56

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and have 1 beautiful son and are trying for another child. Now when my son was just over 1 I found a lot of messages from my partner to other women(I wasn't snooping he was signed into fb on my phone at the time and received a message) these were very flirty and suggestive messages to multiple women even arranging to meet up but never quite getting to that point. In some he said we were broken up and in some he didn't mention me at all. These messages ranged from when we first met all the way up to when I found them, I went mental because through this timeline I was pregnant, looking after our infant son, dealing with my moms cancer and trying to help my sister out of an abusive relationship all while this was going on. So naturally it resulted in a big argument where I nearly left but eventually stayed for our son and the fact that I still love him. Fast forward about 2 years and I again see that he has these flirty message and a POF account where he was chatting to girls, again I let it go after an argument. Fast forward 3 years to last night and I again found that he had been flirting with a coworker, again another argument where he brushed it aside as harmless flirting. I don't know what to do I love my partner and he is great dad, but I'm tired of constantly being paranoid and wondering if he's doing it again. He is my best friend and I can't talk to him about my feelings as he feels like I'm dragging up history, and all my other friends are his friends too so I can't talk to anyone without damaging their relationship with him, so I feel like I'm going mad with the thoughts and feelings swimming around my head all the time. I need some outside perspective/advice so any you can give would be great.

OP posts:

Monalotmoore · 01/12/2021 10:07

I'd say either get used to being tired of the constant paranoia because that's the rest of your life. Or end it. You've got more than enough evidence he doesn't care about the damage he's causito your feelings.

Signalstation · 01/12/2021 10:09

He won't change all the time you're with him. He sounds like one of those men who needs continual validation from women. If you don't want to leave him you could try a heart to heart maybe ask him if he's happy in himself and with his life? That's if you want to stay with him?

pumkinbump · 01/12/2021 10:10

Sorry you have had to go through all of this. Is he really like a best friend? He didn't seem very supportive when you were going through such a difficult time, instead he was seeking the attention of other women.

Personally I couldn't deal with this and I don't think he will change. I would also be surprised if nothing physical had ever happened. My advice would be to not have another child with him and leave.

Wonderland18 · 01/12/2021 10:10

He’s not going to stop. You have let him off with it and he’s clearly no respect for your feelings.
End it.

Kittykat93 · 01/12/2021 10:10

Why on earth are you trying for another child?

OldEvilOwl · 01/12/2021 10:11

Leave - he will never change. And don't have another child with him

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/12/2021 10:11

Of course he hasn’t changed, why would he, each time you’ve stayed with him. Sorry to be blunt but he’s not your best friend treating you like this.

ErickBroch · 01/12/2021 10:11

I am not sure if he has convinced you that this is acceptable or normal behaviour? It isn't, at all. Nobody in happy and respectful monogamous relationships would behave this way.

billy1966 · 01/12/2021 10:13

@Kittykat93

Why on earth are you trying for another child?

This.

sunlovingcriminal · 01/12/2021 10:13

I'd agree with other posters. He is seeking validation outside of your relationship and this isn't normal behaviour within a loving and stable partnership.

He needs help for this constant need for attention. And you deserve better.

It sounds like a leopard who can't change his spots. You have to work out if you can tolerate this (I wouldn't be able to).

Whiskeyandwine · 01/12/2021 10:13

Don’t bring another child into this mess

Signalstation · 01/12/2021 10:14

@ErickBroch

I am not sure if he has convinced you that this is acceptable or normal behaviour? It isn't, at all. Nobody in happy and respectful monogamous relationships would behave this way.

Good point.

Just think about what is going on when he is lying to other women about you and him being separated, OP. He's denying reality. He's not honouring your position as mother and partner. It's like he's put you in a box and closes the lid when he wants attention from other women. That isn't normal.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2021 10:15

He’s constantly cheating on you
Ltb

samesign · 01/12/2021 10:15

This isn't probably what you want to hear but he is never going to stop this behaviour, your clinging on to him hoping he'll change and choosing to have a blind eye to this.

He is the kind of man that is a player and never satisfied with any one woman, there's is nothing you can do to try and change him.

Your self esteem must be very low, only when you believe you are worth much more than this can you begin to realise this, start today believing you can and your son can do much better without him.

Donebeingitchy · 01/12/2021 10:16

You cant change someone. He has made it clear plenty of times who he is. A cheat.

However

You CAN change your circumstances. Why are you putting up with this op? For how long? When is enough enough? What about your boundaries and standard? Dont lose yourself worth to someone else. And for the love of god do not get pregnant with a cheat! you are setting yourself up for disaster

TomAllenWife · 01/12/2021 10:19

Oh my lord please LTB and realise your worth!
Why would you put up with this repeated behaviour?
It's not even like a huge mistake drunk Xmas snog (which is bad enough)
He's persistently cheating on you
And you're letting him
And your son is learning how to disrespect women, you're doing him no favours by staying

If I found my partner on POF he'd be seeing the fucking door and collecting his clothes off the garden

Justilou1 · 01/12/2021 10:22

Goodness me… you’re not going to get any different advice here. He doesn’t love enough to give you the legal safety marriage offers. He doesn’t respect you enough to assume you’re smart enough to catch him out. Why would you say that he’s a good dad when he treats the mother of his child with such contempt? Ffs, look in the mirror and ask if you recognize who you are at all!

Zenithbear · 01/12/2021 10:23

This will kill your relationship because he will never stop.
He doesn't care about you like you need him to.
Deal with it now and move on or you will just waste your life being unhappy.

MMmomDD · 01/12/2021 10:48

This isn’t a ‘flirty’ partner.
I can be flirty at times - it means a smile here, a joke there. All above board and nothing personal or behind anyone’s back.
And certainly no messages. Or (almost) arranging anything.

Not sure what you want to hear as it’s obvious that your strategy with all this is a head in the sand. Find more sand?

He clearly needs external validation. Maybe it doesn’t go beyond virtual. You have been living with this and want to have another baby with him.
Stop looking for things you can’t deal with.

Or if you are strong enough - have an honest conversation with him. Accept that he needs this external ‘flirting’ but put boundaries around it. Tell him you’ll need access to his messages if and when you feel the need.

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2021 11:45

This isn't 'harmless flirting' though is it?
He is consistently cheating on you.

Not only that he is also pretending you don't even exist when he is talking to these women. Ask yourself, why is that, if it's 'harmless flirting'

At some point he will be meeting up with these women, which I suspect if its been going on this long, he already has been.

There is absolutely nothing harmless about what he is doing.

He is disrespecting you in every possible way. Please please stop trying for another baby with this absolute piece of scum and really think about your life. Surely you want to be with someone who loves and respects you?

This is one of the biggest examples of having his cake and eating it, and you're allowing that to happen by forgiving him each time.

itlod · 01/12/2021 12:06

Messaging girls/colleagues/strangers on dating sites isn't 'flirting' so don't minimise it.

If this has been going on for years and he doesn't see what's wrong with his behaviour, I highly highly doubt he's never physically cheated

baileys6904 · 01/12/2021 12:12

Blimey.

Read through my posts, I tent to err on the side of 'benefit of the doubt' and that men aren't as bad as soon of the posters on here put them down as, but on this occasion, nah, wouldn't put up with that at all, and what are you doing?

Its all well and good keeping a family together, but both partners need to do that, and he clearly isn't. You'd be happier ( as would the child) going your seperate ways.

MsDogLady · 01/12/2021 17:54

He feels like I’m dragging up history.

Wolfgirl, it’s not history because your ‘Partner’ has never stopped cheating.

Very flirtatious/suggestive messaging. Dating sites. Lying about you. He has prioritized his infidelity and disloyalty for the entirety of your relationship. He knows if he repeats ‘It’s harmless’ enough times, you will back down and he can carry on chasing illicit validation and trashing your relationship.

Now he has a flirtation going with his colleague, whom I assume he sees regularly... He’s cheating right under your nose.

How on earth can you call him your best friend and a great father? He lacks decency and integrity, and this is a very unhealthy relationship model for your son.

Wolfgirl, he’s not going to change, but you have agency and can make other choices. You don’t have to sentence yourself and your child to an unsettled life of anxiety and uncertainty.

sunnyzweibrucken · 01/12/2021 17:58

I'm always amazed when people want to bring another child into a bad situation. Don't do it. Ltb and find someone else that values more than your "D"H.

dangerrabbit · 01/12/2021 18:02

Dump the motherfucker already.

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