Driving myself nuts wishing for a bab!

[Becky2022]

Sorry, I’m new. I hope I’m posting in the right place. It’s more relationship-based than purely about having a baby!

I’ve been with partner for ten years. I was previously frustrated that he hadn’t proposed and I made it clear. However, I said that it was too late for a wedding and I wanted a baby. He finally proposed last year and we delayed this year because of the pandemic.

If I’m honest, I’m not really thinking about a wedding and I’m not that excited about it. I’m already ready for a baby (I have been for a while) and I’m sick of waiting. I feel like he finally proposed to delay a baby, because I don’t really want to be pregnant when I get married.

I’m so frustrated that I have to wait around for him to decide the biggest things that will happen in my life! We’re not young. I’m on my way to 35! He has said we can try for a baby after we’re married.

I can’t stop thinking about it now though. There’s nothing stopping us. We have a big enough house and both got good jobs.

It’s really getting me in a bad mood and I can feel the resentment building! I’m probably being unreasonable, but I have been waiting for ten years. I’d say that’s pretty damn patient! How can I stop thinking about babies and just be excited about a wedding?

Should have proofed this!

You waited all that time for someone else to propose? You've given all the decision making to someone else and now you're complaining.
Do not marry someone you can't discuss these things with.
Definitely don't have children with them.
Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear.

So now he has proposed, have you set the date? start the organising today, don't wait for him to.

You don't have to stay with him you know. You can control your own future.

Have you told him how you feel?

He won't have a baby with you. The wedding is a bluff, once that's done, something else will crop up

Sorry op. You’re new. Every week someone posts with the exact same issue. Their partner of 2 / 5 / 10 years has been procrastinating about getting married and / or having a baby. There is a possibility that your fiancée has just been stringing you along and has never had any intention of having a baby. Please take control and be prepared to leave or have a baby on your own.

Why on earth are you waiting around for him to decide the biggest things in your life? Get married at the first available slot at the register office and try for a baby immediately - see what he says to that.

Are you both on the same page about children? Sounds to me as if he might not actually want any?

Ditch any hormonal contraception you’re on and put a box of condoms on the bedside table. Tell him you’re ready for a baby now and you’re stopping contraception so you won’t have to wait for your cycle to return once you start TTC. Go see your dr about any tests or other things you should be doing pre TTC. Start taking Folic Acid. Basically, start acting like trying to conceive is imminent and see how he reacts.

We have set a date and are starting to plan the wedding. He’s really kind and he’s a surprisingly good communicator, but he just doesn’t understand the need for urgency that I feel. I’ve explained but he thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m annoyed about it when we’re planning all these things and he’s said they will happen! I just wish I could stop thinking about the future and enjoy the moment!

@Babyiskickingmyribs sounds like a plan!

He doesn't want a baby

How can you enjoy the moment when the things you want and need are being disregarded and he doesn't understand/acknowledge/care about your feelings. This doesn't sound like kindness to me. Ten years!!!!

If he says he absolutely wants children and that you can start trying once you are married and you 100% trust that it’s not bullshit… then try to enjoy the planning and make the best of this last part of your child free life. Plan some nights away, focus on work or hobbies and make the most of your time together.

If you have doubt that he’s not going to follow through with his side of the deal then that’s another issue.

Be blunt, confirm you’re both on the same page before you marry him.

Thanks @Ohpulltheotherone 👍

NC for this as don't want it linked. (* posting my own thread under this NC as well)

Hi OP @Becky2022

Felt like I had to comment as I am going through a similar thing to you. (Albeit you have been waiting A LOT longer than me!)

My situation is, decided to try for 1st baby with DP (he already has DD8) a few months back. (After months of discussion/planning/getting excited etc and generally being on the same page about the entire situation). Came off the pill, decided we would 'see how things go' for a little while until I got my cycles back.

Well, I came down with a severe case of Baby Fever didn't I. It's like a switch had been turned on.

Then, after about month of that we hit a really rough patch, the worst it's ever been. No cheating, no big dramas etc. Basically we’d been bickering for a few weeks, the atmosphere was horrible. I’d turned a bit co-dependant. Some of the things we argued about he took as me being controlling (it never was meant to be like that, but I could see how he took it after we talked things through). He moved out for a few days saying he wanted space. Long story short, he came back, we decided to work through things. However, he has decided that he wants to put the trying for a baby on the back burner for now. He can't tell me how long for. He just says he needs time. He wants to make sure he’s not in a controlling relationship.

My issues are that -

1. I am not getting any younger. (31)
2. I have never TTC before, so I have NO idea if I will even be able to conceive naturally (and this comes with it's own problems e.g. if I can't, it'll push the entire process back months/years, then I fear I may end up resenting him and it’ll ruin us)
3. What if he never changes his mind back?
4. How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot. He knows how I feel to a certain extent but not entirely, as I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him.

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. When he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me (TMI sorry) it makes me feel cheap.

All sorts of irrational thoughts are running through my head, mainly about how I was ‘good enough’ for him to plan a baby/future with before but clearly I’m not now. How his ex was good enough to stick by and raise their child for the first years but I’m not. It’s ridiculous, I know. I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good again, better even. It’s just this issue.

Reading your post really resonated with me, although I appreciate you have been in this situation a LOT longer than me! I have no advice, and I am really sorry for taking over your thread. I just felt I had to share. I think I am going to start my own thread actually. I hope you get the resolve you want.

At best he is totally naive about how long it can take to conceive at any age, let alone in your late 30s.

@Jem62 no, thanks so much for making me feel like I’m not the only one.

For a long time I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t feel like I was ready. But I felt that switch turn on too a few years ago and now I feel irrational about it!

When his friend announced him and his partner were pregnant earlier this year, I got so upset and cried about it. They haven’t been together as long and we have. I was obviously pleased for them. I know I’m not the first person to feel envious of this. His reaction to me getting upset was borderline unkind though. He didn’t comfort me about being upset. He just made me feel stupid about it.

I do really worry that whatever happens, I’ll resent him for wasting so much of my time.

The thought of leaving though just seems mad - I can’t start again from scratch! I do love him too!

@Holly60 unfortunately yes, he is totally naive about this. Despite me trying to explain again and again. He doesn’t see the issue with waiting another year.

The problem is the IS a rush. Fertility declines steadily for the majority of people after 30. Perhaps you could have a fertility MOT at a clinic to find out what your levels are like?

I’m not sure he wants a child. 10 years is a long time to wait and you might be wasting your time
Sorry x

Of course you can start again! I was with my exH from 23-36, no kids but I wanted them, we split up and I met my now DH at 37 and we have 3 children. I really worry when I read threads like these that they are going to end with you breaking up, without children, at 39 and he will go on to have a baby 5 minutes later. I think you need to be clear that ttc needs to start now or prepare to leave if you think he might be stringing you along.

@mcmooberry

Of course you can start again! I was with my exH from 23-36, no kids but I wanted them, we split up and I met my now DH at 37 and we have 3 children. I really worry when I read threads like these that they are going to end with you breaking up, without children, at 39 and he will go on to have a baby 5 minutes later. I think you need to be clear that ttc needs to start now or prepare to leave if you think he might be stringing you along.

@mcmooberry sorry to jump on the thread. I am worried about being single and I’m in my late 30s now. Were you worried about finding someone? Friends and colleagues often say it takes ages to establish something with someone to the point where you have kids and that worries me as I don’t have time for a long engagement etc. I feel so stressed about it all.

Oh he’s not naive about it, he just doesn’t care. He’ll be fertile for another 20-odd years. He’s stealing your time at an age where every month counts, and you’re letting him.

I have very serious concerns that he is just stringing you along, because he's already been doing it for years. Red flags are waving.

Does he want a kid? Loads of men don't and you will come to regret it if he is not fully signed up to this.

Take emotion out of it as the wrong decision will mess things up for you big time.