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Original poster

Driving myself nuts wishing for a bab!

51 replies

Becky2022 · 30/11/2021 13:57

Sorry, I’m new. I hope I’m posting in the right place. It’s more relationship-based than purely about having a baby!

I’ve been with partner for ten years. I was previously frustrated that he hadn’t proposed and I made it clear. However, I said that it was too late for a wedding and I wanted a baby. He finally proposed last year and we delayed this year because of the pandemic.

If I’m honest, I’m not really thinking about a wedding and I’m not that excited about it. I’m already ready for a baby (I have been for a while) and I’m sick of waiting. I feel like he finally proposed to delay a baby, because I don’t really want to be pregnant when I get married.

I’m so frustrated that I have to wait around for him to decide the biggest things that will happen in my life! We’re not young. I’m on my way to 35! He has said we can try for a baby after we’re married.

I can’t stop thinking about it now though. There’s nothing stopping us. We have a big enough house and both got good jobs.

It’s really getting me in a bad mood and I can feel the resentment building! I’m probably being unreasonable, but I have been waiting for ten years. I’d say that’s pretty damn patient! How can I stop thinking about babies and just be excited about a wedding?

OP posts:
Nasturs · 30/11/2021 18:43

Ten years is long enough to know if you want to have a baby with someone. If he wanted a baby with you, you would be trying by now. Time is not on your side - if you want a child, leave him.

ravenmum · 30/11/2021 18:48

I feel like he finally proposed to delay a baby
So you think he doesn't really want a baby, too?
My exh didn't stall at all - but much later he decided that I made him have children with him; that he hadn't really wanted children with me, and I railroaded him into it. I couldn't prove the opposite, as I was the one who suggested having a baby. I didn't actually pressure him, I don't think, but that's the story he's telling now.

Yours is stalling. Do you want to be in my position, as the nasty pushy woman who "made" an unwilling partner have a baby - or would you like to be with someone who is excited to be the father of your child?

litterbird · 30/11/2021 19:10

Many threads have been on MN with the same story. Sadly the result is usually they dont want a baby or marriage too. I would stop making this man the driver in your life....you are not the passenger so stop the car, get out and jump on the motorbike waiting and get on with your life. Dont let any man have power again.

CaMePlaitPas · 30/11/2021 19:27

You may love him OP but if it's a baby that you want this isn't the man for you.

Anoooshka · 30/11/2021 19:35

You don't need to a big wedding. Tell him that you've booked an appointment at your local registry office for next month (I've no idea how this works, so excuse me if it's not how you book a wedding) and see what he says. Tell him that you can get married next month and start trying for a baby in the new year.

Cookiedough123 · 30/11/2021 20:11

I have been with my partner for 6 years+. I am the same the last 18 months I have felt like a switch has flicked inside me and slowly builds stronger and stronger each month. My boyfriend is on board to be fair but wants us to wait till we have moved house. Which is a month or two away. I know that's close but doesn't feel close enough. My friend has just told me she's pregnant and I am so happy for her but also feel a little gutted that it's not there yet. I am 28 and he is 32. I will be honest and I think at your age I would be telling him you arent waiting, if you're getting married anyway then what is he waiting for.

Avarua · 30/11/2021 20:16

Gem, if he's a DP not a DH then see if he really wants to commit to you first. Anything can happen with a baby, including special needs that take you out of work for long periods. Commitment first (marriage), baby second.

Avarua · 30/11/2021 20:18

Boyfriend!? Don't get pregnant with a boyfriend! He doesn't even like you enough to marry you. Why give it all up for someone who won't even give you the basics!!!

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 30/11/2021 20:22

I agree with others on here that as you’ve already said that at this point a baby not a wedding is what’s important to you, then suggest getting married ASAP at a registry office so you can start trying to conceive without further delay. I find it slightly odd that when you said this to him (about your priorities now) he proposed instead of saying ok let’s have a baby anyway… He could be stringing you along as others say. I also think some men are hugely naive about fertility in women and genuinely think they have all the time in the world. My cousin wanted to marry her boyfriend and waited ten years for him to finally propose in her late 30s, he then said at her wedding that he didn’t know what he’d been waiting for in hindsight and regretted it and that he was looking forward to having the six kids she wanted and she had to point out that was kind of unlikely to happen at this point and that if he’d really wanted 6 kids with her they’d have needed to start earlier…. He was really shocked that age was such a factor, totally oblivious. So if you think this might be the case for you I would make sure to show him some statistics so he understands that there IS a rush as far as you’re concerned.

Original poster
Becky2022 · 01/12/2021 07:45

Thanks for all your input. Really appreciate it 👍

OP posts:
MizzFizz · 01/12/2021 08:10

I agree with a pp, I would just say you want to start trying now and see what he says. Being pregnant at the wedding isn't ideal but also isn't the end of the world

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 01/12/2021 08:19

Just on the other side of this. My DH and I were together 9 years before he proposed. We had a baby two years after that and got married this year after being engaged 10 years. It doesn't always mean he's crap etc

malificent7 · 01/12/2021 13:10

Not really understanding why you need marriage 1st but i suppose if you have someone this non commital then it makes sense to protect yourself financially 1st.

Colourmeclear · 01/12/2021 18:34

How far away is the wedding?

Kgutdfn · 01/12/2021 18:50

@NowEvenBetter

Oh he’s not naive about it, he just doesn’t care. He’ll be fertile for another 20-odd years. He’s stealing your time at an age where every month counts, and you’re letting him.
Spot on
IsabelHerna · 08/12/2021 22:10

Disclaimer: It's a bit of a touchy subject for me.

I would have to agree with @NowEvenBetter

It really makes me mad that women (apparently of all ages and backgrounds) are going through this or something similar. It makes me mad that men care about themselves so much and that fertility seems like a subject they are not interested in.

UserOfManyNames · 08/12/2021 22:47

Some men don’t want to ‘settle down’ with kids until they’re older and their own age hits them.

They obviously can have babies well into their old age but women can’t. I’d say if you’re going into your late 30’s in a 10 year long term relationship and have a house and good finances, and both say you want children, somethings off if your partner keeps delaying. He doesn’t have the biological urge yet and you don’t know when he will. I’d wonder about his feelings for me if he wasn’t that in love with me that he wanted to have babies with me!

If you manage to get him up agree in the near future, or threaten to end the relationship over it, and you have a baby, you run the risk of him accusing you of forcing him into having a baby he didn’t want, leaving everything to you (as you wanted it) and maybe buggering off at a time when you need to be a team to cope with the stresses of sleepless nights, illnesses, and just the general non stop work of having a baby and then child.

I’d cut my losses and move on. He obviously doesn’t think your feelings are important. You’re aware of the sunken costs fallacy?

If it’s a baby you really want, go and find someone who wants one with you and quick! For every woman who finds it easy to conceive in their late 30’s there are plenty who don’t and if you’ve never tried for a baby, you won’t know if it’ll be difficult for you or not.

Anon0707 · 08/12/2021 22:57

Feel for you OP. I had my last baby at 38 knowing he would never ever have a full sibling as his dad did not want anymore children. (Recently had a surprise pg that ended in a mmc but that’s another story)
I think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you want to start trying now, he needs to be aware of the fertility problems you may encounter if you wait much longer, he needs to know the statistics of chromosomal problems with advancing maternal age, the risk of miscarriage and how that impacts a woman and how much ivf costs if you aren’t able to conceive naturally
If he still isn’t budging then I think you know what you need to do. Unfortunately it will be a case of choosing him or a chance at having a family

CSJobseeker · 08/12/2021 23:03

Do not marry someone you can't discuss these things with.
Definitely don't have children with them.

100% this!

Also, it sounds as though he DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN! Why on earth would you be hanging around, wishing and hoping and waiting to have children with a man who seems totally uninterested in it?

Weatherwax13 · 08/12/2021 23:05

I think you have to say you want to start trying now. My suspicion is that if he's not ready after ten years, he doesn't want to.
You read lovely, happy posts on here from women who've had babies in their 40s.
But the cold, hard fact is that many women can't conceive in their 40s.
Your need to be a mother is clearly non negotiable and if you stay and he's never "ready" how will you feel then? Or if you finally wear him down and then you find you've left it too late?
Don't let yourself be strung along. You hear it all the time.
And for whatever reason, often you hear that after the woman at last gives up and leaves, the bloke is in a new relationship and having a baby by the following year.

LocalHobo · 08/12/2021 23:11

To me though, it sounds like you just want a baby. You don't particularly want his baby. I'm probably not explaining that well but, if I were DP, I would be suspicious that was the case?
You certainly haven't left it to late to find someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life and create babies.

CtrlU · 08/12/2021 23:21

Some part of me feels like his dragging his feet and doesn’t want a marriage or a child with you.

He proposed to essentially shut you up on the matter and also hoping it would divert your attention from the baby.

If your sure you want to stay with him then I would give him an ultimatum.

Registry wedding and you want to start trying for a baby TONIGHT. If he doesn’t seem interested enough then you know exactly what he feels

Doubledoorsontogarden · 09/12/2021 07:46

We didn’t start trying until I was 36, we only have one dc, I would have loved more, too old, tried really hard. If you don’t start trying soon this could be you too

SarahDarah · 09/12/2021 08:25

I don't understand women who think they dont deserve a man who is genuinely excited to marry and commit to them and actively wants kids with them Confused

How could you have allowed a man to string you along for a whole DECADE...someone who is so lukewarm about you and wanted to keep their options open for as long as possible to easily get with another woman while cruelly using up your precious years because he benefited from convenient sex and companionship. He's simply using you because you provide him with what he wants, so he doesn't want you to leave right now despite it being in your best interests.

@Becky2022 please leave him. You're worth infinitely more than this. Find a man (there's plenty if you pick the right men!) who is genuinely excited to be a dad and actually commit to the person they're supposed to love. Flowers

Shimmylikejoanholloway · 09/12/2021 08:42

I was with my now husband for 14 years before we got engaged. The difference is that we were both genuinely relaxed about getting married/having kids. I wasn’t secretly desperate for it.
When he proposed we decided to get married very quickly because we were excited about it, and then I fell pregnant six months later. It didn’t work out that time but we tried again etc and now have DS.

The reason I’m saying all this is not to make you feel bad but to say waiting a lot time to get engaged and have children isn’t a bad thing or a red flag if you’re both on the same page

It doesn’t sound like you are though OP. Does he know how strongly you feel about this, truly? are you prepared for the fact you may get married and he may delay further?

It’s so touch when we have a biological clock that means we do have a timeframe if we want children, and it doesn’t always work out first time sadly.

I would have another conversation with him, point out the urgency is that you don’t have forever biologically and it might not be smooth sailing so might take more time than you expect.

If he still refuses to see it from your point of view (and I’m not saying he has to want to have a baby but just acknowledge how you feel and how important it is at least, and agree for sure after the wedding and you trust him) then I’d have a lot of issues and consider breaking the engagement.