Not coping very well, could do with some support

[saffytres]

I’m single, all my friends and family/siblings, colleagues are settled down. I make huge amounts of effort to keep going…go to the gym, painting classes, I just got back from Italy. I see friends and I date.

No matter what I do I am desperately sad and alone. I can stand living like this and it takes so much energy to carry on.

My last relationship was only a couple of years long but I thought I had met the right one. I was so happy. It all came crashing down in summer and I honestly can’t imagine finding anyone again. It all feels too late now as well. And even before him I was at rock bottom, wondering how I would find anyone. Now it’s happened all over again.

I feel sick with sadness all the time.

Everyone has families. I wake up alone, go to bed alone, cook alone, work alone.

I know many people love being single but I’ve never liked it. I’m not incapable of being independent and I can do it all with ease but it makes me horrendously sad. I am going over every last relationship and analysing things and wishing everything was different

Big hugs, OP, I know this is difficult.

You probably don't want advice from me, as I'm sure you've heard all the advice before, so just sympathy. Humans are social animals and it is very difficult for (most of) us to live in isolation.

Thanks @CousinKrispy

I feel like I have to constantly muster up some sort of coping strategy every day. I have almost zero enjoyment of anything and just go through the motions. The idea of living like this forever seems unbearable

That sounds really exhausting, OP. Be kind to yourself, we're all human and sometimes relationships just don't work out. Doesn't mean that anyone is to blame.

You're doing exactly the right thing by staying busy. I wish I had an answer I could give you, but sending sympathy

Thanks @RubyTuesday70 I can’t believe my life is like this…just endless loneliness. Day after day of feeling so isolated and left out of the things in life people seem to have so easily. I’ve never even bought a home with someone let alone been married. I feel so old and sometimes when I’m in the supermarket or driving I just start crying it’s awful. The most basic tasks feel so pointless.

My manager said the other day that I didn’t seem very enthused with life. I thought that’s a fucking understatement…I just don’t want to be doing this day after day. When I log off from work colleagues say have a great evening or say they’re doing the kids dinner and it hurts so much. For me it’s just another few hours of silence unless I’ve made plans, which don’t always happen because people are busy, usually with their own families.

Can you make a list of things you'd like to do/plan for? Even things like a list of books you'd like to read or boxsets to watch? Meals to experiment cooking? Exercise goals like walking 2/3 miles per day. Look up places to go for walks and plan coffee afterwards. I think having some routine would help. Plan each weekend so you have things to do. I find that helps. Even planning to send a text to a friend each week to check in and then suggest a coffee/walk/meet up?

Hi op sorry you feel like this, I’ve been there too 37 and single.
Are you actively trying to date? I know old is really hard and not exactly going to fill you with joy but I found it was a numbers game and met dh at 38. It felt like I was doing something proactive at least to find someone, get married and have a family.
I set my expectations very low so as not to feel disappointment! Eventually, after a lot of dates I met a good one and everything fell into place quickly afterwards.
If not old could you do meet ups ? Or something similar to meet someone organically

@Fruitandnuts

Can you make a list of things you'd like to do/plan for? Even things like a list of books you'd like to read or boxsets to watch? Meals to experiment cooking? Exercise goals like walking 2/3 miles per day. Look up places to go for walks and plan coffee afterwards. I think having some routine would help. Plan each weekend so you have things to do. I find that helps. Even planning to send a text to a friend each week to check in and then suggest a coffee/walk/meet up?

Thanks @Fruitandnuts these are great ideas. I do try and do these things but find that doing them is quite empty. I find work hard because it feels pointless. I used to enjoy it and want to do better but now it just seems like for what? To earn more money alone. To buy furniture alone. I can’t stand it. I think a routine would help, I just feel bombarded all the time with reminders that I essentially have nobody. From the Christmas decorations in Tesco to the life assurance policies at work. It doesn’t matter what the context, I’m always abundantly aware that it’s just me and it’s so lonely.

@Whiskeyandwine

Hi op sorry you feel like this, I’ve been there too 37 and single. Are you actively trying to date? I know old is really hard and not exactly going to fill you with joy but I found it was a numbers game and met dh at 38. It felt like I was doing something proactive at least to find someone, get married and have a family. I set my expectations very low so as not to feel disappointment! Eventually, after a lot of dates I met a good one and everything fell into place quickly afterwards. If not old could you do meet ups ? Or something similar to meet someone organically

@Whiskeyandwine how did you stay calm about it? I feel scared of being alone like this forever.

I do date and I’m not great with following up. Met a nice man the other week but couldn’t have cared less if we met again. He wants to and I’m indifferent to it, this is usually the case. Maybe I don’t recognise the good ones.

I’m also really really haunted by the idea I let someone go a while ago. He’s moved on but he really wanted to be with me and I wasn’t interested at the time.

I often feel I will never be that lucky twice and that makes me feel at rock bottom

I wonder if you have an overall low mood/depression thing going on, and that's not only ramping up your feelings of emptiness and loneliness, but also making it harder for you to actually change that, e.g. following up on getting to know a guy after the first date. It takes time and effort to get to know people, especially prospective partners (I know, it's a drag!) and of course it's hard to feel enthusiasm for that work if you don't feel enthusiasm for ANYTHING.

Our lives can also feel very purposeless sometimes, humans have a need to feel a sense of purpose in life and it may take you time to figure out what that means for you.

Have you ever spoken with your GP or a counsellor about possible depression?

@CousinKrispy

I wonder if you have an overall low mood/depression thing going on, and that's not only ramping up your feelings of emptiness and loneliness, but also making it harder for you to actually change that, e.g. following up on getting to know a guy after the first date. It takes time and effort to get to know people, especially prospective partners (I know, it's a drag!) and of course it's hard to feel enthusiasm for that work if you don't feel enthusiasm for ANYTHING.

Our lives can also feel very purposeless sometimes, humans have a need to feel a sense of purpose in life and it may take you time to figure out what that means for you.

Have you ever spoken with your GP or a counsellor about possible depression?

@CousinKrispy thanks so much for taking time to post. Yes I think I could get antidepressants very easily, they’re often mentioned and I do have therapy. I’m not against tablets but some moments I feel ok and it’s almost like I can feel it seeping away and the fog arriving again.

You’re spot on about no purpose, that’s totally how it seems. Work isn’t really much of a purpose to me as it’s all for me ultimately. I don’t know how to change it

Yeah it's really difficult. Lots of us don't get much sense of purpose from our jobs, yet have to spend many waking hours at work, making it difficult to have the time and headspace to devote to figuring out what our "purpose" is, much less put time into that purpose!

You might take a look on YouTube for something called Therapy in a Nutshell. I rather like her videos--she's American, so she does bring in a religious angle after a while but you can work around that, and she has some sensible ideas presented in digestible amounts.

I watched her video on "motivation" recently and it was very interesting--she claims that while many of us think motivation needs to come first, to motivate us to get stuff done, it's actually something that comes after we start taking action ... motivation is a result of the good feelings we get after accomplishing something.

That helped me a lot when I was in a low point recently, I realized I was sitting around waiting to feel motivated to do things I would benefit from, then beating myself up for not feeling motivated, when I need to actually just start doing some small things and let it build.

But I realize that's not necessarily your main issue here!

Having saw your responses maybe there is a deeper issue with low mood? I agree with @CousinKrispy that motivation comes after taking action. i live alone and all my friends are married and have children. So i am in a similar position to you but i tell myself that just because they have partners and kids it doesnt mean they are any happier than i am. In fact some have said they wished they were me! When ive explained i get lonely they cant understand as they arent living my reality but ive realised im not living theirs !

I got the 'sex and the city' boxset and honestly it made me laugh so much and i identified more with it watching it in my 30s than i did in my 20s. I make myself go out twice a week at lunchtime to get coffee and go a walk. I'm WFH and it does get so boring, i dont want to go outside but once i did it i feel better for it. I listen to upbeat music, plan a nice lunch and just do small things to make the day much nicer.

OLD can be difficult , i know all about it. i regularly took breaks when it got too much as it can be such a mental drain. I used to go on dates and just want to end them and go home but the reality is it takes time to find someone and build trust and a connection.

Huge hugs OP.

I also wondered about depression. Just wondering about lifestyle before you start thinking along the route of antidepressants. Not that there’s any shame in using them but ultimately they treat symptoms but not the underlying cause.

Are you eating well? Ask your GP to check your bloods. Loads of people are vitamin d deficient. Also b vitamin deficient. Do you manage to exercise, sleep well? How are your hormones? Ask GP to check these things first. Xx

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/selfhealers-soundboard/id1564136756

@CousinKrispy

Yeah it's really difficult. Lots of us don't get much sense of purpose from our jobs, yet have to spend many waking hours at work, making it difficult to have the time and headspace to devote to figuring out what our "purpose" is, much less put time into that purpose!

You might take a look on YouTube for something called Therapy in a Nutshell. I rather like her videos--she's American, so she does bring in a religious angle after a while but you can work around that, and she has some sensible ideas presented in digestible amounts.

I watched her video on "motivation" recently and it was very interesting--she claims that while many of us think motivation needs to come first, to motivate us to get stuff done, it's actually something that comes after we start taking action ... motivation is a result of the good feelings we get after accomplishing something.

That helped me a lot when I was in a low point recently, I realized I was sitting around waiting to feel motivated to do things I would benefit from, then beating myself up for not feeling motivated, when I need to actually just start doing some small things and let it build.

But I realize that's not necessarily your main issue here!

@CousinKrispy thanks that does make sense. I do find once I’ve started something I do feel better. It’s hard to get to that point though. My house is such a mess and I try and tidy it but what’s the point. In relationships my house has always been very smart and nice.

@Fruitandnuts

Having saw your responses maybe there is a deeper issue with low mood? I agree with *@CousinKrispy* that motivation comes after taking action. i live alone and all my friends are married and have children. So i am in a similar position to you but i tell myself that just because they have partners and kids it doesnt mean they are any happier than i am. In fact some have said they wished they were me! When ive explained i get lonely they cant understand as they arent living my reality but ive realised im not living theirs !

I got the 'sex and the city' boxset and honestly it made me laugh so much and i identified more with it watching it in my 30s than i did in my 20s. I make myself go out twice a week at lunchtime to get coffee and go a walk. I'm WFH and it does get so boring, i dont want to go outside but once i did it i feel better for it. I listen to upbeat music, plan a nice lunch and just do small things to make the day much nicer.

OLD can be difficult , i know all about it. i regularly took breaks when it got too much as it can be such a mental drain. I used to go on dates and just want to end them and go home but the reality is it takes time to find someone and build trust and a connection.

@Fruitandnuts thanks. One thing I find really really hard is when I’ve had a shit day at work, nobody knows that I am alone in a silent house with no support. A difficult day or a not so nice comment from a manager can send me into a complete hole. A similar thing has happened today and I have nobody to hug me or make me a tea or talk it over with. I sometimes feel that I have to be so resilient and I am truly broken and fragile inside.

I honestly don’t think anyone could know what it’s like to live like this unless you’ve done it. Friends sometimes joke that I have lots of spare time or can fly off somewhere at a moment’s notice. I would do anything to swap.

I can’t explain the sadness. I think about death all the time, what it will be like to know I’ve nobody around me. I feel so old and broken and like I’ve missed out on living.

I know relationships are not everything and not all relationships are happy. But being alone and lonely and constantly in a silent house (this is my third day not having seen anyone expect the checkout staff in the shop), is totally different to not being independent. It’s not about independence, I feel I am actually quite independent. I’m just so lonely I feel like I am disappearing.

Sorry for the long post. I’m feeling very down today.

@Philly1234

Huge hugs OP.

I also wondered about depression. Just wondering about lifestyle before you start thinking along the route of antidepressants. Not that there’s any shame in using them but ultimately they treat symptoms but not the underlying cause.

Are you eating well? Ask your GP to check your bloods. Loads of people are vitamin d deficient. Also b vitamin deficient. Do you manage to exercise, sleep well? How are your hormones? Ask GP to check these things first. Xx

@Philly1234 I don’t do much. I have started an exercise class. It’s ok and I am always glad I’ve gone but it’s still horrendous going out in the evening and coming back in the dark to a quiet house.

I know that you shouldn’t put everything on a relationship but I genuinely believe my life would be better for having a partner in it. I’m so much happier when I am cooking with someone or going for a walk with someone or planning a trip with someone. I can do all these things alone but it’s not the same, I’ve spent years doing that.

The house is so silent tonight. It’s dark outside. I feel panicked by it. Last night was awful I kept waking up and going over past mistakes and wishing I could go back.

@Philly1234 thanks also for the link

I'm sorry you're feeling like this...

I felt like that too, many times, a dating history spanning 20 years ; 3 years/2 years/living together with a couple of partners/long distance/short distance/weekend only/including even a solid 6 year relationship - turned-marriage. None of it worked out. So to cut can long story short, if decided after so many crashes/disappointments/sadness/feeling lost/anxiety around the future looking very bleak aged 39 I did IVF with a sperm donor and on Friday I have birth to my baby boy.
The way I saw things unravelling, it was either childless or partnerless or both. So I decided to do something about it: take as much control as possible as trying to have a child was far more important than meeting a partner (which you can at any age) fertility is time- sensitive. It may not be the (obvious) choice for all single women aged 35, and over, but it definitely was for me. No more relationship drama/anxiety/fear over missing out on motherhood/and most importantly no more pressure.

@Anthurium amazing congratulations!! That’s wonderful. I don’t know if I would be able to do that for a lot of reasons but it’s certainly something I will look into, thank you. Congratulations again

My usual go to is exercise (suffer with SAD and can feel hopeless on occasion) but I can see that you go to the gym. Please get everything checked out-Thriva if you can afford it (it'll tell you about vitamin deficiencies) coupled with seeing someone about depression too. I hope that things don't seem as bleak soon. I have children but one of most favourite people in the world seemed to get significantly 'lighter' once she'd taken control of her situation by (a) freezing her eggs and (b) later coming to terms with not being a mother. Your decision might look different like @Anthurium but they are right-getting some control over a situation makes the world of difference.

@myrtlehuckingfuge thanks. I just can’t see any light at all. I can’t imagine things ever being different. It honestly feels like I’m trapped in some sort of hell.

Poor saffytres, I know it's hard when you're in that dark place and it feels like it won't get any better. It will, bit o know it's hard to believe that when you're in the middle of it.

Great idea to get vitamin levels etc checked, having my vitamin D deficiency addressed did me a world of good!

It sounds like you really need to consider seeking out treatment for depression, from what you're saying about how you feel. I know loneliness can't be cured by medical treatment, but if your low mood is lifted, it will help you figure out how to live your life going forward, whether on your own or with a partner, without so much pain and sense of defeat.

Try to be forgiving to yourself. Us single people living alone have had a fucking hard time during the pandemic--I know it was no picnic for those with family or flatmates underfoot, but in many cases we had nearly all human contact taken away for months. It's natural for that to cause problems.

@saffytres I had a mild panic going on but kept the faith if I kept dating someone would appear. I also looked into sperm donation, had a fertility check up ( which wasn’t good!) I gave myself 6 months to meet someone and then I was going to do solo motherhood. It was the major pressure on my shoulders and it helped taking that pressure dependency off a relationship or finding someone.
I met a lot of men on dates who were nice, some I went out with but I just didn’t want to go the distance with them for one reason or another.
When I met dh I set out my timescales ( very short on baby making!) and we felt the same and were happy to jump into that commitment. It was impulsive and unlike me, perhaps my clock ticking, but we have been together years now and we still love each other to bits.
I remember my darkest time was the year before we met, in a dead end relationship, renting a room with students half my age who used to wake me with parties in the early hours. I felt like you too, hopeless but I persevered, feeling there was always hope around the corner. I moved in with family, saved a deposit and bought a house and then met dh and now about to have dc 2.
I would advise to put plans in place in case you don’t meet someone so you don’t go in a dark hole on your fertility, if you want a family. Look at what’s possible. There are a lot of women going it alone on these threads, who can give all the pros and cons.
Actively date, even when you don’t want to ( I did 1 date a week!)
Get support from family and friends so they know you’re struggling and can be there for you.
Look at the GP for counselling/meds although don’t rush into meds and you can feel worse on them before you feel better
Understand it’s okay to feel how you do, covid isolation, Christmas coming up, new year etc there are a lot of similar posts on here at the moment and you’re not alone
Really hoping things turn a corner for you soon