Hand hold or a slap either will do….

[Spilltheteasis]

Bit of backstory before I spill my heart, childhood sweethearts been with my husband since I was 16, together for 16 years married for 7 and we have a family.

Husband has worked oversees for the past 8 years, all fine, comes home different rotations. Things really changed between us this last year. And the last 7 months have really been the worst of my life, husband being so distant, completely changed, blaming everything on me.

Long story cut completely short I’ve found out this morning he’s been having an affair for the past 4 years.

I am numb, I’ve not stopped crying, I’ve had 2 sips of water all day, can’t face food yet need to try and pretend that everything is fine for the kids. I actually cannot comprehend that this is happening to me to be honest.

I want a divorce- would never trust him again and quite frankly the affair aside he’s been awful to me these past 7 months. I’ve told him we will get Xmas out of the way, can see that far enough though.

What I need right now is for someone who has been through this to please tell me this pain goes away? I have never experienced heartbreak and wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I don’t feel ready to speak to anyone IRL yet, literally want to climb in to bed and never get out!

Handhold, why would you need a slap, none of his behaviour is your fault, I also think it's very gracious of you to allow him to stay a minute longer. When my long marriage came to an end not cheating that I know of but was a creep the entire time and moved into a female friends house, a woman 20 years older than him (who knows) it's so painful at first but you will get through this, the first month was the hardest for me, lost a lot of weight, everyone told me how good I looked but I wasn't on the inside.
3 years later, had some more heart break with shorter relationships ending, I realise now that I wasn't ready for another relationship but I had to have distraction and craved love, 3 years later I've grown into such a strong independent woman, im no longer wanting a relationship right now as I've learnt I can do anything and more on my own.
You will make your own journey through the heart break and come out much stronger and the pain will definitely lessen over time.

So sorry @Spilltheteasis, you must be in such shock and turmoil right now. I didn't want you to go unanswered,so even though I've never been in your place I wanted to offer a few words of support.

Lots of Mumnetters have been where you are now and will be able to give you practical advice. Good luck

Thank you so much for replying @samesign I can’t talk to my mum about this just yet, she’s of the generation you stay and make it work for the kids.

I know I will be fine, the solo parenting I’ve got down to a T as he was away at work for up to 4 months at time when he was gone.

I think it’s the realisation that at 32 I’m going to lose my best friend. I’ve been with him half my life. The enormity of what’s happening is just sinking in as the adrenaline subsides!

I have never suffered with depression so am hoping I can manage these feelings but wow this is intense!! Xx

My god 4 YEARS?! You need a hug and a hand hold. What a prick. You're a good person for letting him stay thru the holidays as I prob wouldn't be able to look at him w/o wanting to strangling him lol I think it will take time for you to heal from this as this a MAJOR deception on his part. Just take care of yourself.

Oh my god! You poor woman. I've been with dh for similar time from a similar age and he really is my best friend.

What an arsehole.
He has destroyed the life you thought you had. So many

He isn’t your best friend though is he? You might of been his - he isn’t yours. That’s an ultimate betrayal right there 4 ducking years and blaming you.
Solicitor. Ask him to leave right now. Get an sti and pregnancy test - 32 my darling you have 50 plus years ahead of you - you are young xx

How did you find out, and does he know you know?

As PP said - you have lots of life ahead.

Just remember that he has lied to you consistently for 4 years - you do not need this person in your life.

What a dickhead OP. You must be devastated

Right… You’ve said you’d get Christmas out of the way, but you need to stop internalizing this and taking responsibility for his behaviour. He WANTED you to feel like this (all the blaming shit) but it wasn’t you who was cheating, was it? He’s
Told you he’s been cheating for four years? You can guarantee it’s been longer. If not with her, then with others.
You know he’s capable of lying to your face and being a cruel bastard. You need to protect yourself and your kids. Get bank, mortgage, car, loan phone and credit card statements. (His and yours, also offshore…) Try and ensure that nothing is in your name. See a solicitor ASAP. (Don’t tell DH any of this and whatever you do, don’t believe any bullshit promises about making sure you and the kids are protected financially. He and OW have had at least four years to start planning their escape and once he’s back out of the country, you all no longer exist.)
Once you have done this, tell everyone. All your friends and both families about his double life. You need allies. (But don’t trust that his family will ever be on your side. Give them no info re financial matters or custody, etc. No matter what your relationship is now, they are HIS family and blood is thicker than water.)

Oh OP, you poor love. Treat yourself as kindly as you can - you're in shock and your body needs looking after while you process it all. Can you lean on anyone for support? Can anyone help with the kids and be there for you to talk things through with.

What I can tell you is that yes, you absolutely WILL get through this. Better than that, you'll come out of this in a much better place while he will always be the kind of man who can cheat on his wife for years. What a despicable human being. You won't see it for a while, but thank goodness you can be free of him now and not tied to him for decades longer.

I found out because somebody randomly messaged me on Instagram- I have a private account so it came through as a request. They didn’t state who they were but said they knew us both. Genuinely thought it was like a fake bot account if you get me but then they messaged again with his name and where he worked. This all came about Thursday night.

When he went to bed last night I messaged them and asked them to tell me everything because my husband obviously denied it.

I got the reply this morning and confronted him and he eventually admitted to everything.

It’s like I want to know everything yet the more he tells me the more it hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent and for all of the replies, I don’t feel quite as alone xx

Get a solicitor, right now. Don't wait until after Christmas. Gather any and all important financial documents.

I can't imagine the shock OP, you poor thing. You mustn't know which way of you is up right now. What an absolute wanker.

That was me @Spilltheteasis. In 2019 I discovered my husbands affair. Married 18 years, a family, and an affair lasting 2+ years.
I never thought I would recover, I was devastated, my world had ended. I’m not going to say I’m over it, but I’m definitely happier and so are the kids.
He decided to stop seeing them and moved away to be with the mistress. We’re doing ok without him. He turned nasty when he realised I wouldn’t play his games, and that the teens weren’t interested in his lies. It took a while to realise it was real, and not a dream. We are now not in contact, and that still hurts as he was (I thought) my best friend.
I threw him out immediately and filed for divorce that week. I would do as most recommend on here and get your ducks in a row financially as you’ll probably find that he suddenly decides he won’t support your children etc.
Don’t do the pick me dance, however much you want to. I did and that’s my biggest regret.
PM me if I can support you in any way

How shit for you, honestly I’d be doing whatever it takes to get you through the days at the moment. I’m separating from my husband (no cheating though) and he’s not moving out until January, I’m finding myself more and more resentful as the days go by. I’m trying to keep myself busy, and out of his way as much as possible but it’s hard. And I don’t have betrayal and shock in the mix of things.

Do sort out financial stuff, know what money is where and separate yourself financially from him as far as possible. Start looking at what might happen with the kids, housing etc so you have a plan to propose to him, or a counter to any plan he might have.

It’s very hard, but you can do this. You’re going to be ok.

Sod Christmas you have to throw him out now for 2 reasons 1. Your sanity, how can you start to recover with him there, and 2. So he can feel the consequences of his actions. It's all good for him while he has his nice warm bed at home and another elsewhere, don't give him a free pass fo keep his feet under the table any longer.

How will you do practically? Do you have money? Do you have access to important documentation?

You will come out the other side , there are lots of threads in relationships on women who have been through this and survived and are happier now. You are 32 so have a whole life ahead of you, time to heal, to be truly happy, and eventually find another relationship eventually if you want to.It's akin to grief and you are going to go through stages of different emotions, be kind to yourself (do as little as is feasible, it's survival mode for now) and confide in friends and family.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your children right now. You are in deep shock and will be reverberating most likely for many months.

Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t give him any info or agree to anything. See a solicitor to understand what you need to do first off.

Be ready for anything to come out of the woodwork, other children, some
family and friends already knowing, him having shafted you financially etc. Don’t expect him to play nice. Assume the worst and hope for the best. Lots of info will likely unravel and surface over the next year.

Don’t believe one word that comes out of his mouth - he has lied to you 24/7 for at least 4 years - everything he does and says will be self serving.

Prioritise getting emotional support. Speak to one close friend. This will be exhausting - physically and emotionally. After the shock will come the rage. Be ready to process that in a healthy way - not in earshot of your DCs.

Oh OP! I’ve been where you are now. It’s grim. But you will get through it. One day at a time. Reach out to friends; let them support you. And, if you can, have some counselling. Best thing I have ever done x

Honestly thank you so much for all the replies and advice. Definitely taking everything on board. Financially I will be fine, just everything else in between

Moments of joy will still appear even though the next many months will be hard. Happiness you can't imagine will strike you at times as you build new relationships, hobbies and a sense of self.

It won't always feel this bad. Do take care of yourself xx

OP I think you will surprise yourself over the next year over how brave and independent you actually are. You've said yourself you can parent independently. I think he needs you more than you need him and you will find something better.

Unfortunately, you have an awful lot of healing to do. Make use of counselling, your support network etc

Yes, been there.

Yes it sucks and feels like you have been kick in the stomach into an alternative reality.

Yes, you get over it.

Now is time for action to protect yourself. He is not your friend, do not trust this man at all. 4 fucking years he has lied to you!

It's him, not you. You are better off with out him.

You've got lots of good advice, and nothing I can add to, but I did just want to say this: I love slapping people, but I can't, for the life of me, work out why a slap would be right for you right now?

I'm hoping that you meant because you were in shock, and not because you feel you are in any way to blame. Just in case it's not crystal clear to you, I'll say it straight:

You are not in any way to blame.