Hand hold or a slap either will do….

[Spilltheteasis]

Bit of backstory before I spill my heart, childhood sweethearts been with my husband since I was 16, together for 16 years married for 7 and we have a family.

Husband has worked oversees for the past 8 years, all fine, comes home different rotations. Things really changed between us this last year. And the last 7 months have really been the worst of my life, husband being so distant, completely changed, blaming everything on me.

Long story cut completely short I’ve found out this morning he’s been having an affair for the past 4 years.

I am numb, I’ve not stopped crying, I’ve had 2 sips of water all day, can’t face food yet need to try and pretend that everything is fine for the kids. I actually cannot comprehend that this is happening to me to be honest.

I want a divorce- would never trust him again and quite frankly the affair aside he’s been awful to me these past 7 months. I’ve told him we will get Xmas out of the way, can see that far enough though.

What I need right now is for someone who has been through this to please tell me this pain goes away? I have never experienced heartbreak and wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I don’t feel ready to speak to anyone IRL yet, literally want to climb in to bed and never get out!

@TheFoundations shock/ maybe a slap to bring me back down to reality!? Aww I do not know. I am really struggling to be in the here and now and not look in to next year when I will ultimately be alone.

I am 100 percent done and I know I will get through this but don’t see how if that makes sense , definitely don’t feel like I will ever be strong enough to not have him in my life but I know it will take time.

Lots of rambling sorry, just no idea how I’m going to navigate this situation xx

@sunnyzweibrucken

My god 4 YEARS?! You need a hug and a hand hold. What a prick. You're a good person for letting him stay thru the holidays as I prob wouldn't be able to look at him w/o wanting to strangling him lol I think it will take time for you to heal from this as this a MAJOR deception on his part. Just take care of yourself.

Time for the mumsnet massive to provide you with an alibi and a patio...

It hurts now op. It really does. Unfortunately it will do for some time. But I promise you that someday you will see a chink of light. And eventually it won't hurt so bad. And eventually it won't hurt. Eventually, sometimes you'll find happiness in things - in the dc, in a sunny morning, in a slightly OK hair day. And, one day, you won't think of this at all because you will have become so much stronger than you ever thought you could be.

But for now, rest. Eat. Drink. Talk irl. Regroup. Practically you know you'll be able to manage. Emotionally is another story, but for now, rest.

Vipers on standby!

So sorry you're going through this op. It will get better even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Tell people, family and friends, they can help you. Personally I'd get him to leave now, I know Xmas is just round the corner but it will be hell having to put a brave face on, it also protects him too which I don't see why you should right now

He's really followed the script by being nasty to you like that as the affair got more serious.

It really does hurt, and if you need help with depression, that's what doctors and therapists get paid to do, and why they are there. I found that just sitting telling the doctor how I felt, and her saying that my reaction was understandable, was a huge relief in itself, let alone the medication or therapy!

And yes, it does get better. It takes a while! But you might well come out of this even stronger and happier than you were before. And maybe find a partner who doesn't leave you on your own half the time over a period of 8!!!! years.

You already sound pretty strong to me: you know where your boundaries are and that you want a divorce. Let yourself be sad, but when the anger really kicks in, put it to good work.

Actually, don’t assume you’ll be fine. He’s had time to prepare for this and you haven’t. See a solicitor with all the financial info you can lay your hands on and slap him with everything you can. Fuck him off before Christmas. He doesn’t deserve that with you and the kids. How dare he experience one last joyful day while you break apart inside knowing the truth?

*Tell your family & friends as soon as the solicitors have set things in motion and let them rip into him.

@Justilou1

*Tell your family & friends as soon as the solicitors have set things in motion and let them rip into him.

Can’t sleep so I’m back again! I ended up telling my mum last night, she has so much going on with my dads health and I didn’t want to worry her but I don’t think I can do this alone.

I have a group of close friends I can lean on and some mum friends from my DC school who’ve gone through a divorce so I’m thinking they’re good people to start my base with.

I was lying on the couch earlier while everyone was asleep. Having a good cry and it’s the first time I’ve ever thought I could cry out loud (I didn’t!) from literally feeling like I’m about to explode with emotions!

I’m lying wide awake in bed and heard him getting up to use the toilet. I know he will be lying awake now in the other room and it’s killing me. I’ve not cuddled him since Thursday and just feel soooo alone, can’t get over all these emotions.

I really take my hat off to anyone reading this that’s battled all these feelings, feel like I’m in an internal war just now

Oh god, I'm so, so sorry. What an unspeakably awful thing to do to someone. It will get better, like they say time heals even though it sounds cliché it really does, but I know hearing that doesn't necessarily make you feel better in the now. But you are strong enough to get through it. I'm glad you have a support network. I don't have any good advice really but I do often read on here to "find your anger" and let it fuel you through the tough times. He's an absolute bastard and he categorically doesn't deserve you. Don't feel you have to stay until after Christmas if that's going to be too painful, I don't think I could cope with that myself.

To add to that - I have been cheated on before and remember it as one of the most emotionally painful things I've dealt with, even though we'd only been together for a year. I remember all I could think about was how good things had been when in reality the relationship wasn't very good at all. I was idealising it in my head thinking about what I'd lost, when if I'd thought objectively about how he treated me it might have been less upsetting. In reality I was better off. He's been treating you like shit for the last 7 months - well 4 years really - that's the real him. Try to remember that in the dark moments. I hope that could help in some small way. You can do this.

@Spilltheteasis
I am so proud of you for sharing this with someone you trust. You have been made to carry the emotional responsibility for your relationship’s failure for all this time when you know now it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. Nobody can “make” you cheat. He chose to. Don’t EVER feel guilty. Ever.

I am sorry to say this, becauase I have been where you are and walked the path of broken glass with bare feet but....be prepared for more.

I wasnt and if you read threads on here you will see that many of us get hit with the second wave (sorry for the covid reference!). With me it was that not only had he cheated throughout our entire relationship to the point where I , as his wife, wondered if I was actually the OW, but that during my pregnancy she had been pg too and had an abortion at his insistence. He was being a massive arsehole to me because he was scared she would keep it.

Nice guy

It just seems odd that its been going on for 4 years but its only this year that you spotted a change in him.

You will get through it, you really will. You are stronger than me and a lot of us who found out about the cheating and stayed because we thought it would be ok and then had it happen all over again. I admire your "one strike and you're out" attitude, I wish I had had that.

Baby steps, you will get there.

Oh OP
You're missing his cuddles already so please look up hysterical bonding - please don't do it.
You're letting him stay for Xmas, for what? So he keeps face for the kids?
Learn on your friend/s - when it happened to my friend I dropped everything and went to stay the night at hers so she could sleep. Don't underestimate how much your friends care.

Hi op, your heart will heal with time & you'll find happiness again. Hugs & a cuppa ☕️ for you.

I was you nearly 2 years ago, sobbing on the sofa in the dark. I didn't know how I'd carry on, my world had been torn apart after a fifteen year relationship with someone who I'd given so much of myself to.

I'm doing well now, you will be too. I've met someone who's kind & has my back. I realise now how difficult life was with my ex.

Do Reach out to your family & friends. I was so scared to tell my parents, but they surprised me & gave me full support In divorcing him 💐