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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A few problems in my relationship

30 replies

BlondieD · 29/11/2021 15:23

I met my now fiance a number of years ago. We had so much in common, it was truly uncanny. We got so well and even today we don't really fight much. Our two personalities gelled together. He fell in love with me and I him. I will be honest, he wasn't my type at first but he was a good man. He was a hard worker and we got on so well.

We have some issues.

Our relationship is completely sexless. It's not from my side. Any time we do try and have sex, it seems as if he can't maintain an erection for vaginal intercourse and he whacks one out beside me inside like some sort of masturbation together but this is so unfulfilling for me. The frequency has pretty much dropped to pretty much nothing about once or twice a year. It's truly awful. I view sex as an important component to a relationship and we are both still relatively young and we are not sick with any serious health problems and we don't have any young babies or kids. We are both approaching 40. My issue is that he's never been to the doctor about his issue. Surely some tablets would help. Instead of trying to face this issue he took on a new job where we work opposite schedules so it is a wedge between us. I don't know if it was deliberate on his part in order not to face the sexlessness. We went from 1/2/3 times a month to about 1/2 every 2 or 3 or 4 months and then it dwindled further from there. At this stage I'm at a point where its been so long it's awkward.

There's another issue in that he's not looking after his oral hygiene. His gums bleed spontaneously and there's so many nights when he goes to bed without brushing his teeth. He doesn't floss either. I don't know if he's afraid of seeing blood and then he decides to stop or if his gums are sore. This is another issue for me. If his mouth wasn't so bad I could let me do oral on me due to the other lack of sexual activities but I can't stand the idea of receiving oral sex from him knowing that his oral hygiene is often neglected.

There's two issues between us and there's another. Three times already this year, whenever we've been out together, I will go the the toilets for example and I will come back to find him holding my phone and trying to get into the screen only that it's locked with my fingerprint. I have nothing to hide by the way but the fact that there was an attempt to invade my privacy. What the f*ck was he hoping to find on my phone?

There's another issue. He has demonstrated a complete lack of patience on the road right on down to a pure rage. There was a road traffic collision a few weeks ago on the road. Not between him. It was between other road users and the traffic was backed up due to the blockage on the road. It was somewhat stressful but she showed a pure rage towards other motorists who were also in the same position as him. They were all stuck and there was nothing anybody could have done. I didn't like that.

He does still seem to be eager to marry me. He would like us to attend a wedding fair but I am somewhat apprehensive about it all now. Its due to the lack of sex, poor oral hygiene, trying to invade my privacy and the rage on the road.

Has anyone here dealt with anything similar in a relationship?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 29/11/2021 15:29

It sounds to me as though he senses you pulling away and is now dangling the marriage carrot because he thinks he's gonna lose his cushy domestic life.

Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 15:30

Blimey op I think it’s dead in the water Sad I think you’d both be happier going separate ways. Marriage won’t fix incompatibility

sunnyzweibrucken · 29/11/2021 15:33

Don't marry him. All of these issues he has will only get worse not better.

colouringindoors · 29/11/2021 15:35

Yikes OP please don't marry him.

TheFoundations · 29/11/2021 16:36

You need to split up. Not because of these issues, but because you can't talk to him about them. That's not a partnership. That's two single people acting like they're in a couple. Which, presumably, is how you feel.

What would happen if you did try to talk to him? About the sex thing? About his mouth?

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 16:41

@BlondieD

I met my now fiance a number of years ago. We had so much in common, it was truly uncanny. We got so well and even today we don't really fight much. Our two personalities gelled together. He fell in love with me and I him. I will be honest, he wasn't my type at first but he was a good man. He was a hard worker and we got on so well.

We have some issues.

Our relationship is completely sexless. It's not from my side. Any time we do try and have sex, it seems as if he can't maintain an erection for vaginal intercourse and he whacks one out beside me inside like some sort of masturbation together but this is so unfulfilling for me. The frequency has pretty much dropped to pretty much nothing about once or twice a year. It's truly awful. I view sex as an important component to a relationship and we are both still relatively young and we are not sick with any serious health problems and we don't have any young babies or kids. We are both approaching 40. My issue is that he's never been to the doctor about his issue. Surely some tablets would help. Instead of trying to face this issue he took on a new job where we work opposite schedules so it is a wedge between us. I don't know if it was deliberate on his part in order not to face the sexlessness. We went from 1/2/3 times a month to about 1/2 every 2 or 3 or 4 months and then it dwindled further from there. At this stage I'm at a point where its been so long it's awkward.

There's another issue in that he's not looking after his oral hygiene. His gums bleed spontaneously and there's so many nights when he goes to bed without brushing his teeth. He doesn't floss either. I don't know if he's afraid of seeing blood and then he decides to stop or if his gums are sore. This is another issue for me. If his mouth wasn't so bad I could let me do oral on me due to the other lack of sexual activities but I can't stand the idea of receiving oral sex from him knowing that his oral hygiene is often neglected.

There's two issues between us and there's another. Three times already this year, whenever we've been out together, I will go the the toilets for example and I will come back to find him holding my phone and trying to get into the screen only that it's locked with my fingerprint. I have nothing to hide by the way but the fact that there was an attempt to invade my privacy. What the f*ck was he hoping to find on my phone?

There's another issue. He has demonstrated a complete lack of patience on the road right on down to a pure rage. There was a road traffic collision a few weeks ago on the road. Not between him. It was between other road users and the traffic was backed up due to the blockage on the road. It was somewhat stressful but she showed a pure rage towards other motorists who were also in the same position as him. They were all stuck and there was nothing anybody could have done. I didn't like that.

He does still seem to be eager to marry me. He would like us to attend a wedding fair but I am somewhat apprehensive about it all now. Its due to the lack of sex, poor oral hygiene, trying to invade my privacy and the rage on the road.

Has anyone here dealt with anything similar in a relationship?

Have you spoken to him about these issues or just kept them to yourself? If you can't bring the issues up now, it doesn't look good for the future and I think there's no real likelihood of it changing BUT if you're of the mindset that you might need to end it anyway, you may as well have the conversations anyway (what have you got to lose?!) and then at least you know you've tried?

Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2021 16:46

What are you getting out of this?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why on earth is this person your fiance?. He has more red flags about him that are present at a Communist Party Committee Meeting!. You minimise this from him at your emotional peril.

I think he wants to marry you simply because he can and he knows that your boundaries in relationships are so very low that they are almost non existant. If you marry him I predict with some degree of certainty you will absolutely regret it and will want to divorce him within 12 months.

OrlandointheWilderness · 29/11/2021 17:08

Just no OP.

BlondieD · 29/11/2021 17:16

He wants us to book a holiday abroad for next summer or autumn and the idea of holiday together fills me with sick and dread at this stage. Of course it would be nice to spend some time together but it's pointless when things are so empty other times. There's also the issue of bei g smacked into the face of the sexlessness for the entire week that we will be away. Of course I'm dealing with sexlessness now but it will be more pronounced when away on holidays.

OP posts:
BlondieD · 29/11/2021 17:19

These red flags didn't show til after the engagement. He got a ring on my finger and that's when these issues started appearing. It started with less sex and then he started going to bed without brushing his teeth. The other issues the phone and trying to invade privacy didn't show up til recently enough and the road rage wasn't always there.

OP posts:
Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 17:22

Well the least painful route is to separate. If you get married this will all get worse you know.

layladomino · 29/11/2021 18:01

I beg you not to marry him, nor to stay with him.

In the run up to planning a wedding is usually one of the most optimistic, hopeful, loved-up times in a relationship. The fact that you have these huge problems now, and are dreading the idea, tells you everything you need to know.

It's OK to say you don't want a sexless life. As you say, he could seek help but he doesn't want to. He'd rather ignore the problem and accept you're not entirely happy than put himself out a bit. The oral hygiene is eugh although on its own I'd say - can you talk to him about that. But the bigger issue for me would be him going through your phone. The absolute cheek of it. He has no respect for your privacy, and doesn't trust you.

Please listen to your gut. You don't want to go on holiday with him, or to the wedding fair. You don't want to think about marrying him. Because that would submit you to a lifetime of no sex / no respect for privacy / no trust. You have a chance to walk away before you get in deeper.

Please please I beg you to do that. You will regret it if not. And it will be harder to split further down the line, and you'll feel you've wasted more of your life on him.

JSL52 · 29/11/2021 18:05

@BlondieD

These red flags didn't show til after the engagement. He got a ring on my finger and that's when these issues started appearing. It started with less sex and then he started going to bed without brushing his teeth. The other issues the phone and trying to invade privacy didn't show up til recently enough and the road rage wasn't always there.
The ring can come off just as easily
BlondieD · 29/11/2021 18:23

My phone has fingerprint screen lock so he couldn't get into it. The issue is he tried to get into it. I have noth8to hide and I am not cheating on him but I don't want him seeing what's in my phone either - the apps and the messages. Its all fairly innocent stuff from family and work mainly and then there's other stuff line online order updates and couriers. He was still trying to invade the privacy though. That's wrong. I gave him no reasons whatsoever not to trust me.
Unfortunately I do ah e someone in my life who is extremely angry and conflicted with her emotions. She's not in my life as such but she has tried to sabotage my work, my family and my relationship with him. He got messages at one stage from her and it was just smearing me with shit. Maybe he believed her.

OP posts:
BlondieD · 29/11/2021 20:37

I find myself lying lately to him to avoid him by 'working late' and staying overnights at work more. I'm also going to stay over with my mom now more too. Basically I'm avoiding him more and more. His breath f*cking stinks, it's horrific.

Thank you for your message layladomino. It's very sobering.

I never had to break up with someone before but I will have to do that with this here. I'm not happy.

OP posts:
BlondieD · 29/11/2021 22:56

I'm not long after learning about 2 couples within our circle of expecting a baby and I learned of another couple within our circle again tonight. So that's 3 couples all expecting a baby within the next few more months.

It hammers it all home the sexlessness in our relationship so bad.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 30/11/2021 11:16

I am almost positive you've posted about this before? OP, this is not a good or healthy relationship. end it now before you get in too deep.

Bexxe · 30/11/2021 11:42

To me, it reads that he could be deeply embarrassed about his situation, hence why so eagar to marry and make plans, and why he felt the need to check your phone. He wants to make sure hes not losing you.

He could be feeling insecure, he will obviosuly be aware that the lack of sex your having, and could possibly think you are getting it elsewhere.

If you are compatible in every other sense, then i wouldnt give up! No-one, or no relationship is without its difficulties, but if you geniunely believe (despite the lack of sex) he is the perfect guy for you then dont give up!

I would suggest and really awkward, sit down makr or break conversation and tell him exactly how your feeling. You love him dearly, but cant go on without a physical aspect of the relationship. Encourage him to visit a doctor (and a dentist), and show you he is willing to try to keep you around.

I get the sense that when he realises its make or break, he loves you too much to let you walk away without a fight.

billy1966 · 30/11/2021 11:59

OP,

Make plans to leave asap.

Return the ring and block him.

Your relationship is over.

Get out asap.

BlondieD · 30/11/2021 12:05

I'm not feeling well this morning. I'm completely deflated and empty about us. 3 couples within our circle announced pregnancies and it really hammers home the sexlessness between us.

OP posts:
KUdos6 · 30/11/2021 12:13

Sometimes you need to be brave and this is one one of them. Your relationship is over and nothing will change unless you instigate the official split. Just because you haven’t done it before, doesn’t mean you can’t. Don’t waste your life. You will look back and regret it if you stay with this man.

Deela14 · 30/11/2021 12:20

The sooner you break up with him the sooner you open the door for a chance for a healthy sex full relationship.

At this point you are being your worst enemy here by dragging this dead weight of a relarionship and wasting your precious time and life in the meanwhile.

If you want what your friends have and them some you know this guy isnt the answer.

He has given you a glimpse into what married life will be with him

Dont be silly enough to stay with him and put the cuffs on your own hands. Get out op!

Bumpsadaisie · 30/11/2021 12:22

@BlondieD

It sounds grim. You aren't having any sex. He gives you the ick with his hygiene. The thought of a summer holiday abroad with your partner just fills you with dread.

But you don't say anywhere whether you have actually discussed any of these issues with him?

Have you?

19Bears · 30/11/2021 13:07

Do not get married to this man @BlondieD If the thought of a holiday with him fills you with dread, surely spending the rest of your life with him is even more bleak. You can get married with the thought of "it's ok, I can just get divorced if I need to" in the back of your mind, but then it's too late. Well, not too late, but vastly more complicated. Easier to take off an engagement ring than a wedding ring. Don't end up like me 13 years into a marriage where the past 11 have been sexless, and not very much before that either. It will destroy you. My dh doesn't brush his teeth before bed either. In fact he only does them once a week on a saturday lunchtime. It's disgusting. Not to mention inconsiderate and disrespectful. And plain weird!! You don't owe him anything. Please find a way to call it off now x

Dery · 30/11/2021 13:48

"The sooner you break up with him the sooner you open the door for a chance for a healthy sex full relationship.

At this point you are being your worst enemy here by dragging this dead weight of a relarionship and wasting your precious time and life in the meanwhile.

If you want what your friends have and them some you know this guy isnt the answer.

He has given you a glimpse into what married life will be with him

Dont be silly enough to stay with him and put the cuffs on your own hands. Get out op!"

This, OP. You say you have a few issues but what you are describing is a series of major problems, the most obvious of which is that you don't want to spend time with him. As @19Bears says - far easier to take off an engagement ring than a wedding ring. People's behaviour does not improve after marriage - why would it: you've already sealed the deal then and it will be harder to walk away.

Your relationship is over and the sooner you recognise that and move on, the sooner you will start to feel better. Yes - you will have to go through some pain and discomfort if you end it now but that's nothing to the pain, discomfort and disappointment you will suffer if you stay.

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