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Original poster

Facebook message with pic....affair

43 replies

upsetandmystified · 29/11/2021 07:24

I discovered the 12 month affair that my (D) H was having in June this year; It happened when he was working abroad spending a month there and then back for a month here; We are married 24 years, 2 boys at Uni, and had not been particulalry happy or unhappy...both of us were cruising along, trust was a given ( how naive I was) and I found out by the usual miserable discovery of a text....in fact many, all under a name of a work colleague of his who I wouldn't have been quick to read or look at.

But one day the phone was 'unattended' we had just had a row about something stupid and I was pissed off with him. It was then that I uncovered the truth. I confronted him immediately - phone in hand and he admitted....quickly, said it was a fling and obviously minimised it all ( I now realise)

We agreed after a lot of talk, discussion of therapy, a lot of soul search and cards on table, over a period of about 4 miserable weeks that we would work through it all....he wouldn't be travelling abroad for work again as his contract was at an end, and we both agreed we had let things slide, communication was minimal and real life had got us;

Since June, I won't pretend its easy as it really isn't.....I am easily triggered, and he has found it hard to deal with me and my efforts to restore trust. He has assured me again and again that he has told me everything I have asked of him truthfully.....that this was a younger woman, the sex was good but culturally they had little in common and she was 'just a distraction' met her literally 5 times and that he regretted it all.

I still struggle but now, I feel its all ramped up; About 2 weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from a woman whose name I didn't know....at all....it had little detail on it like where she was from and the photo was an avatar...I just deleted it. Then, I received another, 2 days ago from a different female, a message which went into my Spam FB messenger and had been there for 2 weeks but I rarely ever look at the 'messages' bit and rarely ever look at the 'spam' content.I don't actually use FB much at all....literally to keep in touch with relatives abroad. I rarely post anything but do have photos of Husband and I on it - and the dog...thats literally it.

This time it was a photo of the woman and and I (stupidly) answered it, just saying ' who are you?' I am in a flummox as I write this and am shaky just doing so. Attached to her message by return was a photo of 'her' recognisably in my Husbands apartment abroad.....I know it was his place as whilst I havn't been there, he had sent me many videos and whatsapps of when he was there and it is quite a distinctive place.....furniture is eye-catching ....horrible animal skin rug and a wrought iron table frame;

The pics show her sitting at the table raising a glass of wine, the other lying on the bed...again a distinctive bed and bedhead...... The name she is using is not the one I know to be of 'the other woman' and I think it must be a fake profile...I actually think it is the 'other woman' using a made up name. Husband denies it is the other woman but is forced to admit it is his apartment that he rented......he has no explanation....apart from his pathetic suggestion that this is a troublemaker who wants to make his 'fling' appear to be more of a feature....

He had admitted to seeing the other woman a 'handful of times' only, had sex a handful of times and NEVER did she stay or visit his apartment, the action having gone on at her place or once in a hotel.

I don't know what to do but I cannot leave it as it is and not know......I have tried to message this woman back asking her to explain exactly who she is and what the point of her message is....but no answer from her and it appears she hasn't even seen the message ( one tick only on the messenger )

Her FB profile is not locked, and she has literally no information on it so it seems like to be a fake account.

Equally though she has been in his apartment and knows the full story which the Husband is just floundering about saying that this message is not from his affair woman.....I have not seen any photos of her - Husband said he had none or had but then deleted, so I really can't tell.

Is there any point trying to trace her through Facebook? Will they tell me anything?

I tried 'reporting' the message and profile to them - but have heard nothing back....and it was hardly a blackmail or threat so it seems quite weedy to insist that anyone else gets involved.....is there anything I can do to find out who she is or even where she has posted from? or her email address or contact.....she has given none on her profile and obviously has set all of her settings to private or 'only me' ......she has no friends listed and again she may have them but is keeping them private. I unfortunately had me settings to 'accept all friend requests' instead of what they should have been....friends of friends only. Lesson learnt.

On the back of this, Husband is now out of the house at my insistence and is staying with his brother - we are in contact but I have told him I think he is telling me load of BS and that his affair was clearly quite a bit more than a handful of meetings and sex a few times.....I strongly suspect she was actually resident at his apartment whilst he was back here in the UK and actually this means to me that she was a whole lot more than he has said.

I don't actually know what the point of me trying to trace her or find out more about her actually is, but I feel by sending me these pics she is making a point that it is not over and she wants to actively disrupt our lives. I know he has (said) he told her its all over as he is back with me, made a bad choice, and wants to move on....but I can't believe him and am completely rocked by seeing these pics as it throws any possibility of trusting him at all - ever again - out of the window.

Can anyone suggest a way to contact her or trace her.....if only for verification of my suspicions as I cannot trust him and am going to see a lawyer this week .....I hadn't done so as I had harboured hope - but don't anymore.

But I feel this need to get confirmation from the only person who clearly knows the extent of the affair, as he is utterly in denial and I want to be sure I am heading for divorce for a substantial affair that I suspect it was and not the 'fling' born from loneliness that he insists is the extent of it.

My sister who is FB savvy - thinks she has possibly been blackmailing him to reveal all....and has sent me the photos as part of a revenge....its all ridiculous and I am in a complete state.

How can anyone be 'allowed' to do this on social media just to throw a bomb into someone else life.....I know of course that she is not the problem.....and that my STBX is an actual piece of shit ...but I still can't get the photos out of my mind and his utter denial is absurd....I need the truth and I just don't know why the other woman - if it is her - has sent me these pictures.

Can I do anything at all to press for her identity at least? FB aren't responding ....is there any other route I can pursue?

OP posts:

QuicklyNowThen · 29/11/2021 07:30

Haven't you got all the information you need already op. You have reason not to trust husband and now pictures of this woman in his holiday apartment.
Is there a date stamp can you tell if they would have been there at the same time?
What had husband said about it all.
This woman wants you to know so for me that shows something did happen between the two of them. Sorry op

welliesarefuntowear · 29/11/2021 07:33

It's very common and understandable to want to get some sense of truth and therefore closure from the other woman. It wlll only prolong your agony, I certainly tried. Just have the courage of your convictions to know that what you've uncovered is enough to end your marriage because of his chosen actions. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain is just truly unbearable.

Rissole · 29/11/2021 07:34

The NATURE of the affair is neither here nor there.

STD clinic then solicitors in that order. There's nothing more to discuss until the money and details of who gets what is sorted.

Lightstoobright · 29/11/2021 07:37

I agree - you already have all the information you need, and your husband is clearly still lying to you.

thesockfromtheroof · 29/11/2021 07:39

She didn't throw the bomb into your life.

Your husband did this.

I suspect he's cooled it off with her, she's got annoyed and sent you the photos as revenge.

Sounds very much like it was more than sex a handful of times. Maybe he'd told her he was traveling for work when he was with you. Who knows.

But regardless of who she is, your husband is the one to pay the price. He caused this.

Momijin · 29/11/2021 07:40

Maybe the OW only just found out about you and he has been lying to her too and wants you to find out so you're not living a lie?

Weenurse · 29/11/2021 07:40

So sorry you are going through this 💐

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 29/11/2021 07:43

Don’t obsess about her. She may be his victim as much as you are. Focus on you and whether you want to remain married to him. You might want to, or it may be time to end it and find more happiness.

Aderyn21 · 29/11/2021 07:45

Even if you found her, there's no guarantee that she will tell you the truth. You can't trust her because she has her own agenda.
You know she was there, so he's lied about never having ow in the apartment. That means everything else he's told you is also dubious.
It's natural to want every gory detail, to get it straight in your own head the timeline and just how much you've been deceived, but there's nothing really that you can gain from it because you already know enough - that he's a liar and a cheat.
My advice is to go through your (his) finances with a fine tooth comb and track where he's been spending (on her) and clarify what assets he has (including pension) and ensure he doesn't hide any from you because if you divorce and he works abroad regularly, it would be easy for him to hide what is also rightfully yours.
And yes, get an std test. The fact that you have to do this in a 24 year marriage is the death knell really.

Keepitonthedownlow · 29/11/2021 07:45

I would sadly assume that he had a full blown affair, not a 'fling' and proceed accordingly. What do you want to do now that he had broken your trust etc? Can you trust him again?

Original poster

upsetandmystified · 29/11/2021 07:50

Thanks. And yes, my rational self knows that 'she' is not the issue at stake.....I suppose it is just seeing 'her' after not having any 'evidence' aside from texts - which were quite limited....not overt outpourings, and basically until I saw these pics, it was all feeling anonymous. Now I have seen 'her' it just feels different and to be honest...spiteful. What has she to gain and why would she do it. I feel so frustrated that having sent them, she now won't actually respond to me...I haven't been nasty - just asked her to tell me what the extent of her connection to this apartment and obviously, my husband - was....victim too she might well be, I acknowledge that ....but it does seem so spiteful. On top of everything. But point taken thanks all. (and yes STD tests were done right at the point of revelation- thankfully all OK but I will repeat soon as advised to - 6 months later)

OP posts:

Buildingthefuture · 29/11/2021 07:50

Oh op, I’m sorry. But you are heading down the rabbit hole here. He’s lied to you, lots and lots of times. He’s STILL lying to you. She (whilst being a vile creature) is irrelevant. She made no vows to you. He did. And he’s doing what EVERY sad, pathetic cheater does when they get caught - deny/lie/minimise. It you want to salvage this, it probably is possible. But you have to sit him down and give him ONE opportunity to tell the truth. ONE. And if he can’t find his balls enough to look you in the eye and admit EVERYTHING, you show him the door and never look back.
I’m sorry you are having to go through this, but you definitely aren’t alone. Every single day there are threads like this on here - makes me wonder WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG with these tiny dick driven tossers? Is loyalty an alien concept to them??

Coldenoughforyou · 29/11/2021 07:51

I think you know enough. His denials don’t add up. If it is not the ‘other woman’ is it possible there is yet another woman? I wouldn’t bother using the energy to find out more. I would just call it a day.

notacooldad · 29/11/2021 08:04

As everyone e says he is the main problem and clearly has given you the least infi he can get away with.
How can anyone be 'allowed' to do this on social media just to throw a bomb into someone else life
It's no different to a random phone call or a letter posted through your door. Facebook hasn't done anything wrong, your husband has. If anything its done you a favour by letting you know that more than what's gone on has been disclosed.

gonnabeok · 29/11/2021 08:11

OP don't waste your time on her. Use your time to get your lying scumbag of an OH out of your life and move on. Of course he had her in his apartment? Why do you believe he didn't? He had a warm comfy bed for them there didn't he? Cheaters always down play the amount of contact they had with the OW. My ex's OW contacted me and told me everything including dates and times they had met -the dates and times he told me he was doing a hobby of course. You won't get any closure from her. Time to make your decision and if I was you as hard as it is I would be moving on....

Original poster

upsetandmystified · 29/11/2021 08:20

@notacooldad

As everyone e says he is the main problem and clearly has given you the least infi he can get away with. How can anyone be 'allowed' to do this on social media just to throw a bomb into someone else life It's no different to a random phone call or a letter posted through your door. Facebook hasn't done anything wrong, your husband has. If anything its done you a favour by letting you know that more than what's gone on has been disclosed.

I do realise. It is just such an anonymous intrusion.....I suppose I need a focus for my anger really apart from him....I had slipped back to sort of believing him....and then this.

Was just hoping she would respond. Mainly because he won't...also had read about Social Media being more accountable for stuff like this but appreciate it is hardly a threat or blackmail message...Im just feeling so powerless and emotional....and now she has a face even if the names made up. Doesn't help that she appears to be in my view and obviously his, very physically attractive, 20 years younger and all the rest. And I know - that this isn't relevant, but to me Im afraid in the state Im in, it feels relevant. Am going to call lawyers firm in precisely 45 minutes to get an appointment....and yes I have prepared all the financials...and then I am going to have to think about telling the family and children. Feel like I will snap tbh.

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/11/2021 08:27

Don’t focus your energy on this woman, it’s your H who’s chested and had the affair. Men only admit the bare minimum they can get away with, he’s definitely minimising the extent of the relationship.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 29/11/2021 08:56

If you want to speak to the woman, ask h for her number and call without giving him a moment to make contact first.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/11/2021 08:59

I wouldn’t bother trying to speak to woman, you know he’s been having sex with her and lying about it.

Signalstation · 29/11/2021 09:00

I reiterate what others have said about it being entirely normal for you to want to know the whole truth. You would be abnormal if you weren't being like this. The problem is that your brain will go into overdrive, seeking answers when the source of the truth is unavailable to you.

This is an awful thing for you to have to go through. Sadly all too common.

Just a point about the pics you received. It's largely irrelevant to your healing process, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility that these were sent by a third party. How many times on these boards has someone posted that they know something and asked if they should let the wife know? Perhaps you were sent 'evidence' by someone who just thinks decent women should not be treated like shit?

It's irrelevant whether his AP was a fling, a more meaningful AP, or an escort he paid for on several occasions. You know he has had sex with someone else while he is married to you and you expected monogamy. He has broken that contract.

MrsLarry · 29/11/2021 09:16

Stop blaming social media. Facebook won't do anything to help.

Stop blaming the other woman.

The only person to blame here is your cheating husband. He's lying.

Original poster

upsetandmystified · 29/11/2021 09:17

@Signalstation

This is an awful thing for you to have to go through. Sadly all too common.

Thanks for this....there is a work colleague of my H's; She was occasionally sent to where he was working and it is possible that she 'knows' about the full extent.....she 'knows' from my H that he has confessed....and that I have forgiven. I really do not know her other than nodding terms at very occasional work 'do's'....she is a professional woman in her late 50's divorced happily as far as I know and very together....it did cross my mind she might be 'the 3rd party' but instantly dismissed it as she is a very independent person who owes me nothing..plus of course Im overthinking, but as you summarise, it is irrelevant in the big picture...problem is that these pics have floored me. Btw- appt made for Thursday morning at lawyers.

OP posts:

mewkins · 29/11/2021 09:20

@upsetandmystified

I don't think she did it to spite you. More than likely it was to disrupt his life.

She has done you a favour, even if it's hard to see that now.

As others have advised, go through his finances etc and sort a solicitor. X

starrynight21 · 29/11/2021 09:21

Maybe she thinks that you are "the other woman". If he has been away for a month and then back for a month, she might have thought that she was his main partner and that you are the OW.

Begrateful · 29/11/2021 09:37

For sure your husband is concealing much more! Don't stalk the OW on Facebook - let it go! You are not going to get all the answers from a cheating husband - perhaps you outh to let him go too!

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