Facebook message with pic....affair

[upsetandmystified]

I discovered the 12 month affair that my (D) H was having in June this year; It happened when he was working abroad spending a month there and then back for a month here; We are married 24 years, 2 boys at Uni, and had not been particulalry happy or unhappy...both of us were cruising along, trust was a given ( how naive I was) and I found out by the usual miserable discovery of a text....in fact many, all under a name of a work colleague of his who I wouldn't have been quick to read or look at.

But one day the phone was 'unattended' we had just had a row about something stupid and I was pissed off with him. It was then that I uncovered the truth. I confronted him immediately - phone in hand and he admitted....quickly, said it was a fling and obviously minimised it all ( I now realise)

We agreed after a lot of talk, discussion of therapy, a lot of soul search and cards on table, over a period of about 4 miserable weeks that we would work through it all....he wouldn't be travelling abroad for work again as his contract was at an end, and we both agreed we had let things slide, communication was minimal and real life had got us;

Since June, I won't pretend its easy as it really isn't.....I am easily triggered, and he has found it hard to deal with me and my efforts to restore trust. He has assured me again and again that he has told me everything I have asked of him truthfully.....that this was a younger woman, the sex was good but culturally they had little in common and she was 'just a distraction' met her literally 5 times and that he regretted it all.

I still struggle but now, I feel its all ramped up; About 2 weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from a woman whose name I didn't know....at all....it had little detail on it like where she was from and the photo was an avatar...I just deleted it. Then, I received another, 2 days ago from a different female, a message which went into my Spam FB messenger and had been there for 2 weeks but I rarely ever look at the 'messages' bit and rarely ever look at the 'spam' content.I don't actually use FB much at all....literally to keep in touch with relatives abroad. I rarely post anything but do have photos of Husband and I on it - and the dog...thats literally it.

This time it was a photo of the woman and and I (stupidly) answered it, just saying ' who are you?' I am in a flummox as I write this and am shaky just doing so. Attached to her message by return was a photo of 'her' recognisably in my Husbands apartment abroad.....I know it was his place as whilst I havn't been there, he had sent me many videos and whatsapps of when he was there and it is quite a distinctive place.....furniture is eye-catching ....horrible animal skin rug and a wrought iron table frame;

The pics show her sitting at the table raising a glass of wine, the other lying on the bed...again a distinctive bed and bedhead...... The name she is using is not the one I know to be of 'the other woman' and I think it must be a fake profile...I actually think it is the 'other woman' using a made up name. Husband denies it is the other woman but is forced to admit it is his apartment that he rented......he has no explanation....apart from his pathetic suggestion that this is a troublemaker who wants to make his 'fling' appear to be more of a feature....

He had admitted to seeing the other woman a 'handful of times' only, had sex a handful of times and NEVER did she stay or visit his apartment, the action having gone on at her place or once in a hotel.

I don't know what to do but I cannot leave it as it is and not know......I have tried to message this woman back asking her to explain exactly who she is and what the point of her message is....but no answer from her and it appears she hasn't even seen the message ( one tick only on the messenger )

Her FB profile is not locked, and she has literally no information on it so it seems like to be a fake account.

Equally though she has been in his apartment and knows the full story which the Husband is just floundering about saying that this message is not from his affair woman.....I have not seen any photos of her - Husband said he had none or had but then deleted, so I really can't tell.

Is there any point trying to trace her through Facebook? Will they tell me anything?

I tried 'reporting' the message and profile to them - but have heard nothing back....and it was hardly a blackmail or threat so it seems quite weedy to insist that anyone else gets involved.....is there anything I can do to find out who she is or even where she has posted from? or her email address or contact.....she has given none on her profile and obviously has set all of her settings to private or 'only me' ......she has no friends listed and again she may have them but is keeping them private. I unfortunately had me settings to 'accept all friend requests' instead of what they should have been....friends of friends only. Lesson learnt.

On the back of this, Husband is now out of the house at my insistence and is staying with his brother - we are in contact but I have told him I think he is telling me load of BS and that his affair was clearly quite a bit more than a handful of meetings and sex a few times.....I strongly suspect she was actually resident at his apartment whilst he was back here in the UK and actually this means to me that she was a whole lot more than he has said.

I don't actually know what the point of me trying to trace her or find out more about her actually is, but I feel by sending me these pics she is making a point that it is not over and she wants to actively disrupt our lives. I know he has (said) he told her its all over as he is back with me, made a bad choice, and wants to move on....but I can't believe him and am completely rocked by seeing these pics as it throws any possibility of trusting him at all - ever again - out of the window.

Can anyone suggest a way to contact her or trace her.....if only for verification of my suspicions as I cannot trust him and am going to see a lawyer this week .....I hadn't done so as I had harboured hope - but don't anymore.

But I feel this need to get confirmation from the only person who clearly knows the extent of the affair, as he is utterly in denial and I want to be sure I am heading for divorce for a substantial affair that I suspect it was and not the 'fling' born from loneliness that he insists is the extent of it.

My sister who is FB savvy - thinks she has possibly been blackmailing him to reveal all....and has sent me the photos as part of a revenge....its all ridiculous and I am in a complete state.

How can anyone be 'allowed' to do this on social media just to throw a bomb into someone else life.....I know of course that she is not the problem.....and that my STBX is an actual piece of shit ...but I still can't get the photos out of my mind and his utter denial is absurd....I need the truth and I just don't know why the other woman - if it is her - has sent me these pictures.

Can I do anything at all to press for her identity at least? FB aren't responding ....is there any other route I can pursue?

How many times ba e there been posts on MN saying that a husband has been having an affair and should the wife be told. There ha e been different candles, a best friend who knows that the Dh is cheating, a girlfriend that thought she was the only one in his life and so on. Nearly everyone replies saying they would want to know what's going on.

You now have information, it may not be complete but it us telling you more than he has told you.

I would honestly not pursue this. It is so horrible and tormenting to know deep down that you don’t have the full picture.
However, I have learned that you will never, ever have the full picture and every answer to every question will only generate a new question from you. It’s honestly totally understandable as all you want to do is know what you are dealing with, what the reality of your life has actually been and just “why???”.
What you do need to know is the answer to Who? Did you have sex? (STI test now required for the sake of your own health) How long has it been going on? Do you love her or want our marriage? (if you feel you can give him a chance) Have you ended it and gone totally non-contact with her? Because this is about him, not the OW.

Everything else is painful details, things you can’t unhear once said, things that you can’t unsee when seen. They will become instruments of your own torture and a source of anger and immense pain. It’s so tempting, I know, but please don’t go there. I know the cost of too much information. There really is such a thing even though I was adamant that there wasn’t. You honestly don’t need to know everything even though you are desperate to.
They minimise and then need to stick to their bullshit and most will only admit to what they know you actually know. The rest will be the tip of a large iceberg.

Delete and block the Facebook stuff, it might be a vengeful OW or a friend who thinks you deserve the ‘truth’ (except that is their truth and May or may not be reliable) but it is honestly a road to hell and not worth it.

His continued lying is your issue, because I sadly think he still is. It’s always the tip of the iceberg.
It’s your life and what you do is up to you, but I’d get out of Facebook and block and ignore whoever this nasty person is, to do this to you and not respond to your questions is torturing you and deeply unpleasant. They are not worth it and their ‘evidence’ will be highly unreliable as you don’t know their motives.
He is your issue, nobody else. Concentrate on getting to the truth of what you need to know out of him. If he refuses to engage in these conversations you have your answer. Check finances and phone bills if you have to. Don’t feel bad about snooping, in the absence of a full confession from him, you have little choice.
He needs to tell you the truth and commit if he even stands a chance. At present he is not a safe haven for your heart and commitment. Whether his behaviour is a dealbreaker or not is up to you, but I’d be leaving him where he is until he wakes up to the damage he has caused and owns his own mess. Take care OP. X

OP I'm so sorry to read this. I'll be blunt, but I don't want you to think blunt and uncaring, just to perhaps put a bit of perspective...

What it comes down to, is, was your husband:

a) sleeping with another woman in the country he was working in, behind his wife's back, through (his stories of) loneliness, and dropping the ball so to speak on his marriage. Funnily enough, you were equally lonely at home, and spectacularly managed not to trip and fall onto a penis, so he can fuck right off with even trying to justify like that, but I digress. It was a "handful of times." But he's a cheat, a liar and you can't trust him.

b) sleeping with another woman in the country he was working in, behind his wife's back, by telling abroad lady how he was separated from his wife back home, and free and single, inviting her over to his apartment, and she's obliviously thinking she's in a relationship over the course of a year. Making him, again, a cheat, a liar and you can't trust him.

Ask yourself why does it matter. If he's a 9/10 betraying lying arsehole, or a 10/10 betraying lying arsehole.

You know there's far more to it than he's lied about, simply from the "she never came to the apartment" and she's sent you pictures of her laying on the bed. Exactly how much more (I would say it's 100% scenario b, because if she knew she was categorically just a fling, she wouldn't be acting so scorned) is just peripheral noise.

What he exactly did behind your back, the nitty gritty, right now, feels important. But in time, you will see, it achieves nothing. So, you might get to "prove" you've been hugely massively betrayed, as opposed to massively betrayed. And now what? Will it be easier to stomach? Will it bring closure, really? You have enough for closure now. It will bring anger, and bitterness. And that will only affect you. And this prick has brought enough negativity without you adding it to yourself.

He's gone. You've already won

Upsetandmystified
Very unpopular view here on MN as women who decide to continue their marriages after discovery of an affair - as they are seen as weak and easily manipulated.
I disagree. I think that none of us live your life , have your history, or know how much better or worse a divorce will make your life.
I do not hold with the general MN view that divorce is the road to the sunlit uplands. (Nor does it mean it isn't .. it all depends on how the rest of your life will change for the better or worse)
In many many ways deciding to stay is much harder than leaving. However I believe you can only really do this if you accept an affair has happened and that you are prepared to forgive and move on.
The worst of all worlds is to decide to stay but live in a relationship where the wrongdoing is rehashed in minutiae over and over.

This awful thing has happened. It can't be undone. Forensic examination of its characteristics and time line achieve absolutely nothing for you except heartache and pain.

The Facebook contact is designed to add to the evidence to destroy the marriage. But in fact adds nothing that you don't already know - that your husband had sex with another woman. Does the 'where' 'when' 'who' really matter ? You can either forgive this or you can't .

Neither decision is right or wrong. Neither decision is the easier option.

Op the thing you need to stop wasting time on here is involvement from Facebook. This woman has sent you 'harmless' messages you have no right in law to know who she is. She hasn't broken any rules or 'harassed' you in any way. You literally are wasting your time even giving this mental energy.

I would work on the assumption he betrayed you and is now lying about her messages (they are obviously from the woman he slept with so he is still lying) and just deal with the facts you have.

He is lying to you.
He minimised the affair and is now trying to wriggle his way out of his lies.
This was a full blown affair not a handful of hook ups (even 1 hook up would be deceitful and making a mockery of your marriage).

Cut your losses. Divorce him on the grounds of adultery. And get this woman's assistance if you can (she may need to sign something to back up the claim of adultery). Stop entertaining a man who has no respect or regard for you. Good luck OP.

I remember something from the show Catfish. It is called Catfishing Reverse Image Search.
I have never tried it. What I gather is, it is a way of using an app to find the person on social media who's picture you have.
I really understand the need for answers. Then again, maybe it is a rabbit hole you don't need or want to go down.
Best of luck op. x

I don't think you need to torture yourself with the gory details and how do you know she'd tell you anything anyway? What you do know and what I think you should be focusing on is the fact he hasn't given you a reasonable explanation of why this woman was inside his apartment. If she wasn't the woman he was having an affair with and is just a trouble maker, then what was she doing in his apartment and why hasn't he been able to explain that? He's not telling you the truth.

@upsetandmystified

Thanks. And yes, my rational self knows that 'she' is not the issue at stake.....I suppose it is just seeing 'her' after not having any 'evidence' aside from texts - which were quite limited....not overt outpourings, and basically until I saw these pics, it was all feeling anonymous. Now I have seen 'her' it just feels different and to be honest...spiteful. What has she to gain and why would she do it. I feel so frustrated that having sent them, she now won't actually respond to me...I haven't been nasty - just asked her to tell me what the extent of her connection to this apartment and obviously, my husband - was....victim too she might well be, I acknowledge that ....but it does seem so spiteful. On top of everything. But point taken thanks all. (and yes STD tests were done right at the point of revelation- thankfully all OK but I will repeat soon as advised to - 6 months later)

She'd gain revenge. He's used her for sex then fucked her off when he got caught. Now she's telling you because she wants to get back at him for treating her like a whore. Text book jilted other woman.

I think you have all the evidence you need now, not that you actually need any after what he did. Not only has he cheated on you, he had them messed with your mental health by minimising his cheating when it is clear that there is way more too it.

The best closure you can get now is a divorce and start to rebuild and live your life again. He doesn’t deserve you and there is no coming back from this.

Just wanted to say that you are doing really well. It's hard to deal with the practical stuff when your life has imploded. When you tell the kids just keep it simple and fact based - no details, just that dad has had a relationship outside of the marriage and hasn't been truthful and therefore you are separating. That you don't want them to get involved, he's still their dad and you want them to continue to see him and not feel they have to get angry on your behalf. This will be hard but is the best way forward for your children. You will have to be really strong not to be judgemental about him in front of them and you will be the one with them everyday when they are upset. I've seen some people recommend making him be there when you tell the dc so he can experience the consequences of his behaviour but personally I wouldn't.

How exactly did he explain why this woman was pictured inside his apartment if he says she's not the one he had an affair with?

OP, it might be worthwhile trying to speak to the colleague in any event. You describe her as being an 'independent' type of woman. So you don't think she'd bother herself being interested in other people's relationship problems - which is probably the case. But there is another side to this. She may well not be interested, but she might have a strong sense of justice?
You have nothing to lose in just asking her if there's any information she could provide which would help you. It's often the case that people aren't proactive in these types of situations, but if you reach out, a lot of people will naturally want to help you feel better.

@Monalotmoore

How exactly did he explain why this woman was pictured inside his apartment if he says she's not the one he had an affair with?

He has not exactly explained anything....he implied photos were sent 'maliciously' but can't seem to suggest by whom....he hinted it could be a friend/sister of his 'brief transient fling' seeking revenge or purely to make trouble...its crap isn't it.

Signalstation
I have considered asking her as loosely as possible if she might add any detail....But to be honest, I feel like it is flogging a dead horse really....the responses here have all remarked about the trust and how there is now none and this is hitting home....but more, at the moment, I am just bloody ANGRY. In my anger I have focussed too much - if there is such a thing - on the photo sender....Ive got to leave it behind and I will but I am needing this vent. I refused to talk to hm on the phone and he keeps trying me.

I am ready for my lawyer meet on Thursday and Im trying to keep as level as I can - the responses here have been really helpful- all of the perspectives help me, but of course when all is said...Im on my own with this and I know it will get worse before it gets better.

Self protection has always been a thing for me, which is why I think the photos have hit hard...and the way a complete stranger has come into my life albeit for a passing moment and brought things to life with an actual face.

Im trying hard. I am so angry but also so scared of finding out anything that I know is going to rock me again...I also realise I will have to go through it all to come out of it. I also need to discuss with the children and Im dreading that.Thanks to you all who have replied. Appreciated

"Very unpopular view here on MN as women who decide to continue their marriages after discovery of an affair - as they are seen as weak and easily manipulated. "

The reason it's not recommended without stripping the relationship back to its bare bones is because the likelihood is that at some point it will happen again. It's textbook. And therefore the person who has been lied to repeatedly and exposed to a health risk they've not consented to via a sexual relationship with multiple partners will be emotionally battered at that point. No one sees a woman who stays as weak. But the reality is you have been in an emotionally abusive dynamic and that will remain unless the relationship essentially ends The consequences of that for any children who are witness to this are enormous. I read somewhere you have to be prepared to lose your marriage in order to save it. People who have affairs. Don't want to lose their marriage. They want to forget and move on. Leaving is not easier than staying. Leaving is the hardest thing. It's so lonely. But it's the only way to have a life that is true and for your children to have a relationship with you that is free from the shadow of the emotional abuse that comes from the constant lying that they witness.

I think your husband probably told this woman that he had told you the bare minimum and downplayed their relationship.

Whether for her it was easing her conscience or getting one over on your stbexh she wanted you to know that she had in fact been a significant other in his life.

Nothing to be gained from more info now. You know that he lied even when supposedly “coming clean”. Whatever her motive she has done you a huge favour.

Drop the distraction of this woman now love. You have got a life to build. Make it fabulous. You will eventually find that your freedom from this shit is all you really need to thrive.

In my experience, young adult dc’s are incredibly mature and supportive when they understand. I hope all goes well for you.

Without knowing the woman's character or motives and not being able to trust either, even if you did get an answer to your questions, you'd then have the dilemma of how much you could trust that information. It would just be a new torture only possibly with more unsavoury details to keep you awake at night.
Your desire to find and ask is all part of processing what's gone on and this new bolt from the blue. Very natural.
Really sorry this has happened.
Good luck with the solicitors.

Just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. I speak of someone whose ex husband also had an affair so know what you are going through.