Help me not chicken out

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've had some wonderful support on here and moving forward with leaving my silent, joyless marriage.

Thanks to MN, finally after a long 10 years struggling and playing the bossy wife to a passive aggressive, defensive man, I've finally detached from the hope of the marriage ever being better and let go of the anger and frustration. I'm concentrating on my DS and my own sanity. I've found somewhere to move out with my DS.

I've been dealing with silent treatment, stonewalling, gaslighting and defensiveness. Marriage counselling has not worked. I've been told all sorts, empty promises of "discussing things", to put my feelings aside for the sake of the marriage and DC, and that all I ever wanted was to leave. Told we should stay together one minute then told yes we should separate the next. But mostly being ignored.

But I'm over all that. I'm at the last hurdle. Even rehearsing now what I tell friends and family (I've confided in one friend and another new mum friend).

But still the silent treatment is killing me and its making me feel like I'm just causing a fuss for nothing. Being ignored day and night is making me feel like a nuisance, a monster to be afraid of, a selfish person ripping the family apart.

Please help me not chicken out on leaving this terrible marriage.

You've got this. Stay strong and continue with your plans to leave.
the silent treatment, gaslighting etc is designed to make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you can't cope on your own. But you know this is no way to live. You will feel so much better once you and your DS move out.
You can do it!

Are you still there? If so, go today. No ifs no buts.
Get yourself happy. Good luck.

They're are so many reasons why refusing to accept poor treatment is the opposite of selfish for your family.
These consequences are not caused by you they're his, don't forget that. Take your children to the light they'll understand, we all instinctively recognise peace when we get it. That doesn't mean they're won't be some things which are a down side to that, but I bet you'll all agree it was worth it when you get there.

Surely getting the silent treatment only reinforces your decision?

Don't let him break you. Living with the dominantor is a good read if you need more. Motivation to get out xx

It's horrible, isn't it, having to ride these uncomfortable feelings while you're still in the process of making things better for you and your son?

I sometimes find it useful to reframe these sort of thoughts when they appear, and repeatedly say something to myself like 'yes, this situation making me feel uncomfortable now, but in the future DS and I will be so much happier'.

I was that child with such a father. You are doing the right thing.

Thanks for the replies. I know I have to hold my nerve and see this through and leave. I have this feeling that it would be easy to stay and stop complaining but the silent treatment will continue and H could carry on like this forever. He isn't showing any remorse at the situation whatsoever. I honestly think he believes this is just all down to me and my own selfishness and unreasonable frustration. I know it should matter anymore but I feel so ground down its very hard.

@ghostbusters @TopCatsTopHat thank you for those words of strength and encouragement.

@spotcheck yes it's that simple isn't it. I never even knew the silent treatment is an actual thing and it has actually gone on for most this year. It's actually shocking.

@charmingthebirds I'm sorry you have experience of this in your family. I just hope the future will turn out that my son will tell me one day I've done the right thing.

Thanks again, gosh I don't know wtf I'd do without MN.

@NewtoHolland thank you I will have a have a read of that. Through the other thread, I was recommended to contact womens aid and I still can't fully understand what they said about emotional abuse, toxic behaviour and silent treatment as a manipulation tactic. My day to day life with him has taught me that I'm the bossy, demanding, unreasonably emotional, quick to anger and volatile mess.

Sorry for the typos and the lengthy replies. I don't have many people to talk to IRL and really struggling tonight

Marriage? You sound lonely. That’s not what marriage is supposed to be. Don’t rob yourself of what others get as standard, that’s not a marriage.

Wishing you all the best, you will have down days, but that’s normal, overall it will all work out for the best!

Funny thing is OP, when you move out and away from him, there won't be anyone to gaslight and stonewall you. The peace will be amazing, trust me on this. NO ONE will make you feel like this.

Go forth and enjoy a new home and life without the dead weight dragging you down.

You can do this 👊

keep going, your future self will thank you for it.
"Something beautiful will grow out of everything you are going through right now, and you' ll find it will be you."

Thank you all of you. I'm struggling so much today, I just want to cry but the tears aren't there anymore. I know it's the right choice, that I've finally given up a hopeless situation but it feels unreal. I feel like I'm in a nightmare with a blank robot. It's scary if I think about it too much. All day and night just being ignored.

It's got to the point I am shutting myself away day and night in the bedroom (we both work from home) as I'm just embarrassed that I'm being ignored so much. I even eat all my meals in the bedroom at my desk, even in the evening after DS gone to sleep.

And all this, is the reasons why I must leave.

Sorry I don't know why I'm posting. I feel today for some reason, I may be going mad, and it's all just me after all.

It’s not you OP.

You can do it - make that scary leap and land in freedom, land in your future, away from the perpetual toxic smog of that stonewalling ex.

You can do it 💪🏼 Go claim what’s yours.

@Scaffoldtothesky you're not going mad
It's not 'just you' at all. But I know what you mean, because I feel exactly like this too. You feel like you're the most unreasonable person in the world by daring to feel unhappy, when the truth is you've tried til you're nearly broken to just get on with life. You and me both feel like we're wandering lost in the fog, never being able to find the way, and worrying that you've created the fog in the first place. I've had the silent treatment, then when it stops, the quick snap back to normal, and if you don't participate in the nice normal things again, you're the one being miserable. It's no way to live. You can find a far far better life, and I can too. We're all here for you x

I used to get the silent treatment, gaslighting and more. I spent over twenty years trying to please him and walking on eggshells. Waking up everyday with a sense of dread.

The relief I felt the moment I realised that it was finally over and I was free was overwhelming. It has taken a while to heal the psychological damage he caused, but I feel so much better. I am happy. I feel the old me returning. I look forward to my living my life on my terms.

Please leave, you have a whole new life just waiting for you. It will have ups and downs, but it will never be miserable as the life you have now is. You can do this.

How are you doing, OP?

Thanks for all the replies. I am holding in there, these replies are so gratefully received because I am at a loss on how to feel and almost on autopilot now. I don't have many people to talk to IRL apart from one good friend and I can't talk to my parents/siblings for various reasons. I feel so isolated I won't lie.

@unsync thanks for sharing your experience, it's so good to hear there was light at the end of the tunnel for you. I am preparing myself for a roller coaster ride but I'm hoping none sincerely this is about the lowest right now. I hear so many of you who have been through this that the relief will be immense.

@19Bears you poor thing. Yes I can completely relate to everything you wrote especially about the fog and then snapping back into normal mode. For me, it has always been the guilt of "making too much fuss" (in many cases yes I lost my temper shouting and screaming too much in an attempt to be heard and validated) then I would end up making everything nice again for the sake of the marriage. I realise now how unhealthy it all is. I really do hope we can find a better life than this. Feel free to pm.

@QuestionNumberOne, @dane8 thank you for the words of encouragement and reminding me I need to keep my eye on the future prize.

I also wanted to add that today I signed contracts on my new place! I can't quite believe it... It really does start now doesn't it.

Wow - ! Well done @Scaffoldtothesky ! Yes it’s started Keep going!

Well done, you're on your way now

Thank you @QuestionNumberOne, I really feel like I'm riding a tidal wave. I'm going from making lists of what needs to be done then suddenly freezing and wanting it all just to stop.