Help me not chicken out

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've had some wonderful support on here and moving forward with leaving my silent, joyless marriage.

Thanks to MN, finally after a long 10 years struggling and playing the bossy wife to a passive aggressive, defensive man, I've finally detached from the hope of the marriage ever being better and let go of the anger and frustration. I'm concentrating on my DS and my own sanity. I've found somewhere to move out with my DS.

I've been dealing with silent treatment, stonewalling, gaslighting and defensiveness. Marriage counselling has not worked. I've been told all sorts, empty promises of "discussing things", to put my feelings aside for the sake of the marriage and DC, and that all I ever wanted was to leave. Told we should stay together one minute then told yes we should separate the next. But mostly being ignored.

But I'm over all that. I'm at the last hurdle. Even rehearsing now what I tell friends and family (I've confided in one friend and another new mum friend).

But still the silent treatment is killing me and its making me feel like I'm just causing a fuss for nothing. Being ignored day and night is making me feel like a nuisance, a monster to be afraid of, a selfish person ripping the family apart.

Please help me not chicken out on leaving this terrible marriage.

Hurrah you're getting out! You're going to be free! I had an ex who used to give me the silent treatment. I thought it was just what happens in relationships cos my mum used to do it too. Its fucking AWFUL. I can cope with most things but the feeling that you're too low to even be noticed and talk to... it hurts. But you've got nothing to be embarrassed about. It's him, it's all him.

When is your freedom day?

@Scaffoldtothesky thank you for posting this. It could have been written by me, all of it! I thought I was where you currently are but now have crippling doubts of am I doing the right thing. H & I are poor communicators to each other. I have tried for years to 'fix' the wide chasm between our styles of communicating, but finally realised s I'm not really the problem. I find such strength from all of you and just wanted to send you this. You are believed, you are understood and your feelings are valid. Happiness seems to be under appreciated & that we should just hang on in there. Trust your intuition & carry on pushing through to get out. Even when I'm really struggling I still try to push forward to separation. Sending love

Stay strong Op. You are doing the right thing. You will soon feel true relief that you are out. Your home will be a calm, loving, happy place. You will start to feel joy again, to reclaim 'you' again.

You will realise that the hard part was making the decision and leaving. It gets easier once you're out, because not only will you have a more pleasant day to day life, but you will have the emotional space to rebuild yourself and your strength.

I'm excited for you. I hope you're out very soon.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I have made it over the latest hurdle. I picked up the keys to my new flat! There's quite a bit of the normal things to do and I'll take some time now to get what I can done then prepare for the big move!

The silent treatment continues and even got an eye roll and a "well I don't know what to say" when I told H. I'm ignoring it all. I cannot force him to communicate anymore.

@Layladomino thank you for the encouragement. You are right about the decision to leave being so hard. I don't doubt I have some struggles ahead but I am finally letting go of the emotional prison.

@findthecourage I'm sorry you are finding yourself in a similar situation. I have also spent years going to extreme lengths to communicate and over compensating. My counsellor said to me that you can either give in to the marriage and stay and be miserable, or give up and leave. It sounds so simple but when I realised I had a choice. I hope you find your way through your situation soon.

@RedDeadRoach I have a similar experience with my DM and silent treatment. It really hurts doesn't it. I dared to stand up to DM a few years ago when I had DS. She didn't like that and she has since ghosted me, after a big fall out and telling off. It's funny, my DM and STBXH are very different people but have both ended up giving me the silent treatment.

You have made the decision - you are almost there. The fact that you have insight into what’s happening is a major catalyst to leave. Yes, it will be painful but you’ll feel so much lighter not having this twat around you. So much of what you have written resonates with me. I ended my marriage and am so much happier.