Tell me to chill…

[FourPostBed]

Ugh. Old enough to know better but been divorced around 5y, had a (not very satisfying) relationship that affected my self esteem and today a first date with a lovely guy!

Went for a walk and lunch, chat was non stop, totally fancied him and when we said goodbye had really nice kiss.
He said it was a really nice surprise (the kiss) and wanted to see me again.

But, he’s not texted me since (6pm) and I’m now wondering if I shouldn’t have kissed him on our first date 🙄
If he’s interested would he have texted to say so?
I’ve had a few tinder dates and just said a breezy cheerio at the end (not interested) so kind of hopeful about this one x

Woah since 6pm today??

Calm down, it sounds promising.

😂 yes.
I maybe expected a wee “nice to meet you” text…

If he was into it, would he have done that or
totally not cool?

Ha ha. I love it. I wonder if somewhere in the universe there are a bunch of men debating this stuff? I personally would have liked a text yes but saying that i would probably send one myself.( had a lovely time… great to meet you) It’s not his job to pursue you and if he’s going to be an arse and “bin you off “or ghost you I’d rather know sooner rather than later. He’s probably considering not looking too keen…. Which is presumably what you’re doing?

Hmm. I'm with you. I'd kind of expect a text after the date if we were both keen!

That said, it's only been 5 hours ... give him until tomorrow x

Why is it his responsibility to text you first? What's stopping you texting him? If it's because you don't want to seem too keen, that could apply to him too.

Haha glad it’s not just me.

No way am I sending a text… after that last guy I’m expecting more.

Hopefully a text tomorrow but if not? I’ll be disappointed but I’ll cut him loose.

I got my fingers burnt. With the last guy I really liked I texted him to say thanks for dinner and a nice evening but the dynamics with him were all wrong and he pulled me up on that at one point, saying women don’t normally do that and that it seemed I was too permissive.

He was horrible in the end up but I felt like he told me like it is or how men see women 🤔
Either way it’s affected me

What is your usual texting pattern with him

Thing is - if you both liked each other - who texts who after the first date isn’t important. Either person would be happy the other one texted and it’ll all develop naturally.

But if you play games, or hold past hurts agains him - than it all may become more complicated than necessary.

You don’t yet know him. He may have liked you but could be shy. Or maybe he isn’t interested and was just polite.

Personally I like to have some control over what’s happening. I’d text saying I had a nice time and to let me know if he wanted to meet again.

Not that much if a risk as you aren’t invested really. Just being an adult.
And - if any man had a problem with me texting first - or in fact making any moves I wanted - he’d be gone. This isn’t Victorian times.

@FourPostBed

I got my fingers burnt. With the last guy I really liked I texted him to say thanks for dinner and a nice evening but the dynamics with him were all wrong and he pulled me up on that at one point, saying women don’t normally do that and that it seemed I was too permissive.

He was horrible in the end up but I felt like he told me like it is or how men see women 🤔
Either way it’s affected me

No he told you how HE sees women - and he wasn’t nice..

I'm a man (in case that's relevant at all) and I don't think there's a rule that the man has to text first. I think it's fine for you to text him first if you want to. If he has a problem with that then he's probably not the right guy for you anyway. If he really likes you then why would he mind?

Were you two sending lots of texts before the date? Some guys think that we're supposed to leave a bit of mystery after the date so that we don't seem too forward or clingy. When I first started dating my wife, I sent her a "I had a nice time" kind of text straight after each date (like 15 minutes after) because I thought it would be nice for her to know, but I found out weeks later that she felt like there was less mystery/excitement that way, and she almost stopped dating me because I sent those texts too quickly!

Don't play any games op. If you want to text then text. If he sees you in a bad way for texting then you know he's not the one anyway!

@FourPostBed

Haha glad it’s not just me.

No way am I sending a text… after that last guy I’m expecting more.

Hopefully a text tomorrow but if not? I’ll be disappointed but I’ll cut him loose.

You realise you are deliberately intending to set off on a relationship with double standards, here, don't you? And that you're treating this guy in a particular way because somebody else hurt you?

None of this is healthy.

It's fine if you want/need him to text you, but keep in mind that people are different, and your job is to find someone similar enough to you in communication style that it makes you happy. He may well be really into you, but be the sort of person who only texts once every two or three days. That wouldn't be something he was doing wrong, but an incompatibility.

The last guy called you permissive for saying thank you for a nice evening😂😂😂😂.
Dont lose confidence because he was plonker!! Just be glad he showed his colours so soon!!

Yes, you’re right. It doesn’t matter who sends the first text and I had a lovely date with him, so why not?

I sent a text this morning, so we’ll see. 🤞🏻

@FourPostBed I hope you get a nice text back from him - I'm crossing fingers too!

Oh no don’t text first op 🤦‍♀️Google all the mumsnet threads where the woman is texting and chasing in the early days ( and lots of posters encouraging) always end up not working. Ones asking shall I text first etc Also this is my experience in dating. Not sure why but just see it time and again.
You’ll get all the ‘it’s not the 1950s’ etc but in dating it just is different. He might respond but will expect you to be the one proactively texting him going forward as you’ve set the tone now.

Glad you texted Op. Please ignore any sexist nonsense about how the man should make contact first. There is no logical reason for that and it's based on the same archaic 'rules' that mean a man should always pay for the first date / choose the wine / do all the running.

Healthy relationships are based on 50/50 effort. Anything else doesn't work. And that starts at the dating stage. No game-playing on either side. You should both respect the other equally, and be honest from the outset.

Expecting one person to do more of the running because they have a penis is ridiculous. Take some control in your own life! You have as much right as him to decide what happens next!

Relationships are based on 50/50 absolutely. Not early dating. Experience and the many many many threads on here have shown me that! I’m probably the most ardent advocate of women’s equality I know.
However, it’s just the way it works 90% of the time in early dating.
As a woman, I want the guy to show he’s keen before I invest my feelings. That’s safeguarding myself of the highest order, not being some princess or 1950s person.
When he texts and wants to meet up and makes an effort, I can see that he is into me. When you text first, you’re left with the anxiety - will he text back, it’s been 2 hours and he’s not replied, does he like me angst and more angst ...
Plus you set the expectation that you will instigate texting first and arranging dates too - yet more angst. Does he actually like you or are you making it easy?
There’s time to be all about equality but it’s not the first few dates. my dh did all the initial dating set ups, then we did 50/50 when we were exclusive. He’s a sahp now. Couldn’t get more modern if you tried.
I hope it works out op, you seem to have a good connection on the date but I encourage you to just take a step back now if he does respond

Thanks 😂 he’s not replied yet but he’s seen it.

He does normally text me first but not usually until after work. Yeah I can see both sides and it’s the “am I making it easy” thing that was making me think twice.
However I’m pretty confident normally so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to him that I sent a nice text.

My first impressions were good - hopefully he liked me too ☺️

Ahhhh. It’s a no from him. Oh well.

Ahhhh. It’s a no from him. Oh well

That’s disappointing. What did he say?

Really sorry to hear that. Strange that yesterday he said he wanted to see you again and now he doesn't.

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why he said he wanted to see you again and now 24 hrs later its a no. I don't get it. But at least he didn't keep you hanging.

I know… 😢

He was very nice, maybe he didn’t feel comfortable just saying goodbye at the end of the date?
He’s obviously reflected and had a change of heart, or maybe he’s had another match and decided to pursue it? I thought we’d got on really well too.

It was nice to feel those flutters again however briefly x