Does the bitterness ever go?!

[TurnUpTurnip]

I hate my ex, I can’t let go of the anger and bitterness and resentment I feel towards him, it’s making me feel like an angry and bitter person but I just can’t let go of it? When does it go? Does it ever? It’s been nearly 5 years since we split!

Have you sought counselling?

Look up radical acceptance.
It is a DBT exercise for helping you accept what is and what you are powerless to change so that your pain doesn't hold you in a place of suffering.
Unfortunately feeling bitter doesn't change anything, only keeps us feeling shit.
Don't give the fucker any more head space and let them take time and energy that could be used building your self-esteem and self-worth.
If you continue to struggle definitely access counselling or some other form of therapy so that you have a neutral space to speak about your circumstances and feelings.

Thanks unfortunately I’ve done counselling in the years ago (not about this issue) and I didn’t find it helpful at all, basically just talking to myself whilst someone listened, I didn’t really see the point of it and I didn’t help me in any way I stopped after two sessions because it just felt awkward though I realise I’m on my own with that and many people so find it helpful but not something I would look to start up again, everyone said time but times hasn’t helped either!

Are you still connected through kids? Is he able to directly impact your life NOW? if so, anger caused isn't bitterness, held over an unreasonable time, its justified anger at whatever twattery he has done recently. If he's long gone though, then I think you have to try and focus on new projects, Jo's, hobbies, house whatever. Whatever damage he did, look at healing it as a big 'fuck you'.

Yes we are but he doesn’t see them at all. I guess my anger and bitterness is related to that.

Ah right. Yeah OK, I get that. Mine sees them but pretty rarely so it's all down to me and I resent the fuck out of it. He says I'm bitter too but I absolutely refuse to see it that way. I'm not angry anymore about him leaving years ago, I'm angry about his absence NOW which means my life is so much harder than it should have been and the kids don't have the family I wanted for them. I don't see that as unjustified. I have however managed o reach a point where I expect so little I'm rarely disappointed

@HugeAckmansWife I’m in the same boat. I’m still bitter because I’m dealing with the daily consequence of him being a shit dad. I see nothing wrong with that. There’s no one else in the world I hate. I’m not an angry person in general. It’s been 4 years since we split. I hate him and I’ll always hate him. I have a diary I write down the crap he still pulls, then I try not to talk about him or think about him. Except when I’m on here. Lol,

It's hard when you are left dealing with the fallout. My situation is not the same as yours but 10 years on I find it hard not to have spells where I feel upset, angry and yes - bitter. It's hard not to. I hope you find peace, you have your beautiful DCs and he doesn't have that joy in his life.

I just can’t see it going, I’m so angry that he gets to move on with his life and pretend they don’t exist whereas I’m left here on my own, I can’t even meet anyone or date as I never get a second to myself, I feel trapped in a situation I didn’t chose to be in, it makes me angry that someone can just walk away.

I really sympathise @TurnUpTurnip. It’s not fair. My ex has had a few girlfriends and I’ve not been in a new relationship yet. Nearly every minute he’s not working belongs to him to do what he wants with. He moved back in with his parents so does no housework or cooking either. His mum does most of the childcare on the rare times he sees them. This isn’t how I imagined my life would be. I wanted a bigger family. I wanted someone to share all the ups and downs of raising my wonderful kids with. I wanted someone who teaches them skills, a man who’s a positive male role model and will help positively define the adults they become. Someone to do homework with them while I have a bath. Someone to take it in turns driving them back and forth to all their hobbies. Someone to take their turn taking time off work to care for the children when they’re sick. Instead, I do it all by myself while he leads a childless existence enabled by his family and girlfriend. It makes me so angry and sometimes I feel that I have no-where to put the anger because I won’t damage my children’s mental health by complaining about their father to them. yet I don’t want them to think they way he acts is normal or acceptable. I’m not convinced it’s a good idea to let go of all that anger. It drives me to be the best parent I can be. It stops me from making the same mistakes I’ve made in the past. And I am soothed by the thought that these amazing humans I created will be a big part of my remaining life whereas I doubt they’ll see him apart from birthdays and Christmas (if that) when they’re grown up. These men are missing so many opportunities to bond and form loving memories that can’t be recovered once the kids are grown up. It’ll be tough for you but he’s the one missing out, not you, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Well, there are two ways to get rid of it. You can wait for it to disappear through fading away (no way of knowing how long this will take but if you have a good memory, could be basically forever), or you can decide to let it go. This is heaps faster and you can start literally right now.

I can fully understand why you feel angry and bitter and frustrated and a whole host of other feelings towards him but if it is five years later and you don't have any contact with him, the most important thing to recognise it that his part in this is long over. He is gone and he isn't coming back. Nothing will change that fact, including staying angry about it.

It may not feel exactly like he is 'gone' because you still have issues to deal with as an outworking of his desertion (like the struggle to find a babysitter so you can have a drink in a bar with another human) but those are issues that you might have found yourself dealing with if he had vanished from your life in another way. If, for example, he had been hit by a bus, or gotten cancer and died, you'd be in the same practical situation but you wouldn't have the angry feelings. Can you see how that would be possible?

Try to imagine: What would be different about your life right now if your ex were gone for a different reason? What if he'd died of cancer and on his deathbed he had told you that he loved you and all he wanted for you in the future was to be happy - that while he wanted you to remember the good times you'd had together, he didn't want you to be consumed with grief so much that you couldn't move on with your life and find happiness in other ways or with someone else?

If were the story of your relationship, can you imagine that it might be possible for you to accept that he was gone and try to move on? Or do you think that you would be stuck grieving his loss forever?

I get the point you’re trying to make @CheekyHobson and I agree that one person shouldn’t spoil the rest of your life. However, these men didn’t die, they made a choice and continue to make a choice not to be involved with the children they jointly decided to create and promised to take joint responsibility for. That makes the anger different and the situation harder to accept.

See the thing is I would feel so much better if it was for a different reason! I think the fact he has chosen to walk away is what I find hard to deal with, I would rather he was dead as heartless as that sounds! He might as well be, but the fact that he has chosen to walk away from his own children and is out there living his life as if they don’t exist is what gets to me. My children have disabilities and life is very tough, especially doing it alone and never getting a moments break from it, it doesn’t get better as they get older which everyone says as my children more so my oldest is getting harder with age and sometimes I feel it’s too much for one person to deal with.

thefourgp yes I can relate to that, even if we split up I didn’t picture he would completely disappear from their lives altogether

@thefourgp

I get the point you’re trying to make *@CheekyHobson* and I agree that one person shouldn’t spoil the rest of your life. However, these men didn’t die, they made a choice and continue to make a choice not to be involved with the children they jointly decided to create and promised to take joint responsibility for. That makes the anger different and the situation harder to accept.

Yes exactly this, it’s the fact he’s made a choice to walk away and they don’t even get their karma, they get to live their lives and move on without a care in the world whilst I am stuck and trapped in my life and can’t see a way of it getting better.

Okay, so it's great that you can see that you would feel so much better if he was actually dead. That would be because you would feel more free to let go of the bad memories and questions about what happened and why, right?

Losing a loved one is terrible, but we know that sometimes things happen for a reason that we simply can't explain. Sometimes young people get cancer and the doctors can't fix them. It hurts, it's hard, it's unfair but at some point we let go of the need to spend forever turning the question of why over and over in our minds or poring over that person's history for clues of where the cancer might have come from, because we know that sometimes there just aren't answers to be found, and even if we did find the answer, it won't bring the person back.

The same is actually true of what your ex did. He made choices that you just can't comprehend, choices you would never make. The honest truth is that no matter how long you turn these questions over and over in your head, you will probably never understand. How could you? It's just simply outside your range of conscience. There are probably reasons if you dig deep enough – just like for the cancer – maybe your ex had a terrible childhood and never learned how to love, maybe he was born with very limited conscience or empathy for others (that's a partial definition of a psychopath), maybe he is just a garden-variety selfish asshole who will go on fucking up his relationships all his life, but knowing for sure what the reason is won't change anything.

In the meantime, the only person your anger is now hurting is you. Not him. As you say, he is going along with his life, completely unaware of or hurt by your anger. Your anger only exists inside you, and you are the only person who can make a choice to let it go.

You could stand in one spot boiling with anger at him all day long, thinking the angriest and most vicious thoughts about him, feeling tense in your body, your face getting hot, stamping your feet, screaming, tearing your hair, punching a wall... and at the end of the day, the only person out of you and him who has a sore hand and feet messy hair and a red face and tense shoulders and a sore stomach will be... you.

So my point is this: you could do YOURSELF a massive favour and kill him in your head, as that is the only place where he is still part of your life. Stop trying to understand or direct mental anger at him and just kill him off.

Have you ever heard the expression "He/she is dead to me?" You have the power to make that true for yourself. Sit down, get a picture of him in your head, maybe carrying a suitcase and giving you and your kids the finger as he legs it off into the distance. Then mentally send your kids away and visualise killing him off. I would go with something like him being run down by a bus, or maybe falling into a sewage pond and drowning. If you really have a lot of anger to let go of, perhaps you could mow him down with an AK47. Then, stare at the body in your mind, say, "Well, so long, fucker" and mentally walk away.

"But that's not REALITY, Cheeky!" I hear you protesting. But are you completely certain that the scenario you're holding in your mind is absolutely, categorically true too? In your mind, he's living it up, happy, "free" of his responsibilities. But that is likely to be just as much of a fantasy as is the idea of him being eaten by a bear.

The reality is that people who abandon their children and partners universally have some very dark and uncomfortable shit going on inside them and I can assure you that they take their demons with them when they go. Just because you can't see the karma doesn't mean it hasn't already happened or won't happen. But don't punish yourself any longer by waiting around for the proof.

I am considering hypnotherapy to assist with the same anger and resentment. I found it very helpful for other reasons and will try it again to move on from my divorce.

I looked at it a different way. I had my wonderful kids and they missed out. My most recent ex does have the kids and sees them more now since we've split but my eldest's father didn't see him for most of his childhood.

I wouldn't swap places with them and I am grateful that I have my kids.

However, my kids have no disabilities so for you to have no respite and it getting more difficult is really tough so I can see how it is hard to get over. It's also shocking that there isn't more government help for carers.

I completely get where you're coming from and why you're feeling the way you're feeling OP. But don't let thoughts about him ruin your wellbeing. They may not be feeling the effects of karma at the moment but they will one day. You don't need to worry about that.

The main issue is that you are entitled to a life of your own but you can't have that when you have sole responsibility for DC. Is there anything that could be done so that you have a bit of time to yourself, to do what you want to do?

@TurnUpTurnip

I just can’t see it going, I’m so angry that he gets to move on with his life and pretend they don’t exist whereas I’m left here on my own, I can’t even meet anyone or date as I never get a second to myself, I feel trapped in a situation I didn’t chose to be in, it makes me angry that someone can just walk away.

This is the problem. This is why you can't let go. Your life is a shape you don't like, and you are blaming him.

It's not his responsibility to fix it, even if his faults created it. This is your life. Yours. Whilst you continue to hold him responsible for the mess you feel it to be, you abdicate your own responsibility for your own happiness. He isn't in your life. He has nothing to do with the shape of your days. He doesn't take actions to make you happy or unhappy. He doesn't do things that hurt you. He's just a stranger out there in the world, like a billion other strangers, and you are a single parent, like a billion other single parents.

Currently you choose to spend your time feeling bitter about somebody who has nothing to do with your life. This is so that you can avoid taking responsibility for yourself.

It sounds simplistic but have you tried just insisting to yourself thatyou let it go. It made a really big difference to me with a big relationship before DH.
We had been together for almost 3 years and I was so upset and bitter when I found out he had cheated- amongst other things. Unfortunately, we worked together so I saw him every day. Two years later when he was still shagging around and I was still hearing about it every day and hurting, I read about the idea of 'Just let it go'. It became a mantra - I used to say it over and over 'It really doesn't matter. Just let it go' in a really light voice in my head. It worked very quickly. I stopped myself thinking about him using it and caring about any of it.
I still use it now for anything that gets to me and I get a bit obsessed with.

@TheFoundations

That's an unnecessarily horrible post & full of rubbish too.

He DOES do things that hurt her. He abandoned his children & she is left with ALL of the care & responsibility AND THEIR children are disabled, so it's getting harder, not easier as they grow up. Every Single Day
HE chooses not to be there snd THAT shapes her life, his choices & THEIR kids disabilities.

You sound like someone who has no experience of being a parent or carer to a child with disabilities, growing up to be a teen/adult with disabilities.

I agree he's not now going to step up & suddenly actually take some responsibility for the children HE created, & that only the OP can change her situation, but it's cruel to say she's CHOOSING to be bitter in order not to take responsibility for herself.

@TurnUpTurnip

Take the bits of advice that help & try to ignore the bits that don't. Cheeky's posts are a bit hard to read, but are actually good. Other people clearly have no idea what it's like to have disabled children who can't be easily left with any old babysitter or you can't just count down the time until they'll be independent. It's 'trapping' in a way most don't understand.

I don't think you should be looking at it that you're still bitter after 5 years, & ignore people who say that. Every Single Day you're confronted with his lack of care & responsibility for the children he co-created, but just walked away from. Every Single Day that's a fresh hurt/anger. It's nothing like the same as when a man walks out on children/wives where there isn't disability/caring responsibilities beyond the usual child rearing ones (which is hard enough anyway)

However, the absolute wanker isn't going to suddenly realise how shit he has been and try to make up for it, so unfortunately you are the only one that can improve your situation.

I think some of the suggestions above might help you deal with your emotions & are worth a try! For yourself!! So you feel less angry/butter/hurt, not because you don't have a right to be. You absolutely have the right to be bitter/angry/envious/hurt... absolutely. But if that's making you feel more shit, you can also acknowledge those feelings are justified, while taking action to reduce their impact on you.

One of my ex's was very good at compartmentalising stuff, he would mentally put things in boxes until he was ready to think about them. Drove me fucking nuts at the time and he couldn't understand why I couldn't do it!! I've had limited success with it in the years since then. It's worth a go.

Anyway, lots of advice from others about things to try 💐

Practically - What friends/family/carers do you have that would help that you trust? Are there any charities specific to your children's needs that can offer any help (either to baby sit or help you to find a baby sitter)

Do you have anyone who could come & look after the kids even if you stay home, have a bath/nap/read/ or go for a walk nearby?

Just a small regular period of time that you can look forward to would be a good start.

I think I would feel just asa bitter as you in your situation. The only way through it is to make a massive decision to intervene mentally every time you catch yourself feeling bitter, and talk yourself out of it. Use phrases like:
I hate this feeling. It hurts me not him. I refuse to allow him to hurt me any more than he already has so I refuse to feel this bitterness.

Then if you can, count the blessings of your DC. You get the cuddles, he doesn't. You get the love, he doesn't. You get to decide how to raise the next generation. He doesn't. You get all the fun of seeing their faces light up at Christmas and birthdays or when they stop to stroke a cat n the street or it snows etc. He misses all that because he is a narrow, selfish person.

You don't need to forgive him so much as forgive yourself for feeling so bitter. I would look up some good websites on self-compassion and start practising it as often as you can.

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights

OP is responsible for her own wellbeing, and needs to make different choices regarding her perception of the situation, if she wants something to change in the way she feels.

Nothing I posted was horrible or cruel.

Your opinion of my life experiences is not relevant to OP's post.

Thank you for the comments, yes it’s a lot to do with my circumstances as why I’m so angry but your comments have really helped and I don’t feel so bad for the way I feel now, I feel like my life is over, I will most likely be caring for my daughter for the rest of my life, as selfish as that sounds It is hard to think about, I have no family support, I can’t use baby sitters, it’s not possible with my daughter and I never get a day off the only time I have to myself is when they are at school and in that time I’m so exhausted, I am struggling to take my children out on my own as it’s too hard and we only go to school and back, I spend most weekends sat in the house as I can’t take them out on my own, I don’t have the energy to do anything, I am angry at him for leaving me is this situation and I do blame him as he is making a choice not to see his own children, I struggle to relate to other single parents as most of the have their ex around and the kids go their so they can get a break so I don’t find the majority of single parents understand how tough it is doing it completely solo.