I am 44. No, the longest I have ever left for is a couple of days.
I think our relationship is hard to explain so I will try and maybe people can give me feedback.
He is a generally kind and good person. He always comes if I need him, even if he's sick or tired. He is reliable and always there for me. He compliments me constantly and makes me feel very desired and valuable. He is a big cheerleader for me in terms of my job, life and anything I try to do. He assists practically in everything for me - helping me be organised, making sure I eat if I am working late, helping financially if needed. He is good to my family and friends. He is dedicated to his job and a clever man. He is really funny, and we laugh all the time at just about anything. We like doing the same stuff and he always plans cool outings and nice things for us to do together. He's not very emotional, but if I fire emotions off at him or get upset he will sit with me for literally hours while I cry and do his best to comfort me. We share the same life goals and want the same thing. I've zero question he isn't in it for the long haul. I think he thinks I am the best person in the world, and that's a nice feeling.
In those ways it's the best relationship of my life, hence leaving feels like an almost insurmountable loss.
On the other hand...
He's phobic about commitment, and freaks out about living together and I want to live together for all sorts of reasons. When I have left in the past, he has cried and said "I don't know what's wrong with me, I have wasted all these years only spending 20% of my time with you when I should have always been there", but then he doesn't change it.
He's a naturally pessimistic and miserable person, who makes life decisions which perpetuate this. For example, he's currently about to rent a new place to live which is going to cost him 70% of his salary and he's done nothing but moan about the cost when it's obvious we should move in together, which he won't due due to a 40 minute commute he says he can't cope with.
He is deeply insecure, can't take criticism, is self-defensive and doesn't ultimately believe in people being safe or reliable (his damage I mentioned) so when we argue about anything, his wall of self-defence goes up and he can't focus on the thing we are arguing about (generally something shit he has done) and instead it ends up being reverted to how us arguing has made him feel bad and it's all my fault.
He doesn't have empathy and he's completely self-absorbed. He hates to see me cry or be angry, but he has no way of thinking "hmm, what might I change to make this better for her?" and if I tell him, it somehow doesn't go in. Like a kind of emotional blindness. So the same crap happens over and over.
We have battled the last few months over the moving in thing, because it was promised we would move in together in July when his lease ran out, then he asked for six more months, and now another year. What I want just keeps getting pushed further and further along the football field.
All he is capable of is thinking about himself, it doesn't seem to go in that couples have joint goals. He said he wants to live with me, but only if I move to nearby his office because he has commuted before and it made him "miserable". I can't move for another year as I have a child finishing school.
He's rigid, and sticks with things and thoughts even when they're not helpful. I think he's beset with cognitive distortions and needs CBT (which he won't get). He's really not got skills for a healthy, happy relationship with anybody and the fact I have the patience of a saint has kept it going this long.
The thing is, i am also losing so much if / when I leave and it makes me so sad that we won't be together. I have started wondering if I should maybe just live a life that makes me miserable because being miserable with him is better than being miserable without him.
I feel I am just losing the plot here!
I see people who's husband's and partners compromise or make decisions as a couple and I am envious. But then I also see my DP is very loving to me in so many way a lot of people would kill for.
I never had a relationship that felt hard like this before. I don 't think it's the combination of us which makes it hard. I think being in a relationship with him would be hard for anybody
He is if we have any discussions about things where I want x and he wants y he will literally never cave