Awful relationship and I can't seem to leave

[Loudbuzzing]

I'm objectively in a terrible relationship that makes me completely miserable but I can't leave. I'd just like to hear from anyone who's left a relationship with someone they really loved/ found it almost impossible to do.

He has some great qualities, we are best friends, have fun together and loves me, but his version of love is crappy.

He's got long term emotional damage that constantly causes issues, he doesn't learn from mistakes, everything is his way or the highway, he is defensive, he's hypocrital, he's self-absorbed, he doesn't meet my needs.

We argue all the time now and get stuck in these loops where I feel like I'm actually going mad. I'm so depressed. I just feel trapped.

I will read up on co-dependency.

@youvegottenminuteslynn How so? Just comparing to a few friends and so on he's very loving to me in a lot of ways.

@Loudbuzzing

I will read up on co-dependency.

@youvegottenminuteslynn How so? Just comparing to a few friends and so on he's very loving to me in a lot of ways.

If you feel able to (don't worry if not) could you share some examples of those ways? As sometimes when asked, people list what they think are really positive attributes of partners and are surprised when outsiders say no that's not someone being brilliantly loving, it's a basic expectation (e.g. 'he would never cheat on me' / 'he doesn't shout at me' etc)

I did a few tests for codependency online and all came back "no". I do think I care a lot about making people I love happy and looking after them, but I don't necessarily think it's a psychological problem more than just being a nurturer. I am the same with my kids! More so than the average Mum. My Mum was the same - probably a bit selfless. I also think this is cultural as we're not British.

I think it's just that I am actually in love with this man that makes it hard to leave. I never expected to be in love with someone that was so crap to be in a relationship with but leaving someone you really love feels like a horrible thing to have to do, even if there's just no way it can work. We don't resolve problems! It's textbook dysfunction. Maybe if he got therapy and then we got couples counselling it would get through, but it just doesn't.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don't really know how to explain. I know a lot of couples who don't treat their DP as a best friend, and we definitely do. If he were here to defend himself he genuinely wouldn't understand WTF I was talking about, because he honestly can't see the problems we have or why. He is just deficient in some ways. Maybe down to having autism.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I am going to try...

He makes me the most important person in his life (self aside)
He is patient with me and sees me in a really nice way
He is very humble (thinks he's punching way above his weight)
If I have a problem with anything he always wants to help
He is protective
He is really kind to my kids
He's really proud of me and my work and encourages me to reach
he has never stopped "dating" me, even after years. I had a bad bad last week and got flowers and he showed up when it wasn't "our day".

We just get on. I don't think I have ever gotten on with anyone as well as I do him. We have the same childish sense of humour. For example, when he gets out of the shower he makes me laugh with a naked dance (sounds dumb but it's hilarious) and he edits the shopping list on my fridge with funny things like "Anusol".

I had relationships before that were MUCH less hard work, but where I didn't feel as comfortable or as "myself" and I definitely feel like he and I are a family, even if we don't live together. My Mum said "I like the way he looks after you".

Objectively though, those things aside, the relationship is terrible. These looped fights where nothing is ever resolved. Me harbouring resentment because he doesn't meet me halfway on literally anything. My boundaries being trampled over and over and me just letting it happen.

I feel, in a way, like if I could leave him for six months and tell him to go and get therapy and read a few books that it would be the best thing. I think if I did that, he would definitely do it and maybe then he'd be able to change a bit.

I just can't seem to get myself to do it. I am such a wimp and what everyone says is right, I just need to sit with the bad emotions because if you need changes for your relationship to be happy and your partner won't make those changes then you have to leave, don't you?

Dear OP, most of how you describe your partner reminds me of my ex. He too is selfish, cannot empathize, cannot compromise or give in so things are always his way. When we get into an argument, we NEVER solve anything. He would give me silent treatment, for days sometimes weeks and then one day we just go back to normal. In the beginning I loved him so much it was unreal and thought he was my best friend. Twenty-six years later, I cannot for the life of me remember why I loved him and how was he my best friend. All that I see now is selfishness, stubbornest, lack of empathy, lack of desire to sacrifice for others, criticism of me and others, put downs. He would not listen to me, like really listen and would not care how I feel or what I think. I feel like he, quite literally, sucked life out me, I could not breathe anymore, could not smile, had not life energy. When we were young, I would jump up and down when I hear him coming home. By the end of relationship, I would dread it. I would physically stiffen and feel my face freeze. That is how uncomfortable he was making me. Please bear in mind that my ex never yelled at me, called me names or was physically violent. What he also was not was love me, the way I needed to be loved.

I finally ended our marriage in April this year. I do not think that I will every be my old self, or even remember who that woman was, what she looked like, wanted, loved, but at least, I am finally content, comfortable in my own life, my own house, my own body.

Believe me when I tell you, he is NOT worth it.

I just need to sit with the bad emotions because if you need changes for your relationship to be happy and your partner won't make those changes then you have to leave, don't you?

Yes.

And not as some ploy to try and get him to change.

Leave. Permanently. Move forward without them.

Leaving isn't something you do to try and elicit magical changes from someone else (like your bizarre "leave for 6 months so I can go back" idea), it's what you do when you have decided to change your own actions for the better.

A couple of days isn't long enough to adjust or grieve or process or come to terms with anything. You haven't ever given yourself the chance to leave successfully, it's not that you can't, it's that you won't.

You talk like you're helpless in this, but you're not. You have the power to make different choices.

If you stopped calling yourself names ("wimp") and putting yourself down, you would feel stronger too.

@freeatlast2021 this was sobering to read and thanks for posting it.

Could you have left when you were still at the phase of jumping up and down with excitement when he arrived at the door? I am still there.

My DP doesn't give the silent treatment (he grovels) and he doesn't criticise anyone (especially never me). I think, he cannot love me the way I need to be loved. He acknowledges that and says he is sorry, he tries.

He does suck the life of me at times, he is a real drain. Everything else aside, he is SO NEGATIVE about literally everything. You could give him a million pounds and he'd be saying "what can you get with a million pounds nowadays?". People like that are hard to be around, and he says my sunny optimism is one of the main things he fell in love with, but he's draining it out of me gradually.

If I dreaded seeing him, this would be easier :( I am so sorry you went through this by the way

The thing is, all the bad parts you describe sound really bad and i’d imagine would get worse if you lived together. I don’t think that would make you happy because the bad parts sound toxic. You also need to factor in if you did succeed in getting him to live with you all his bad parts would be there around your kids as well. He might be kind to them now but do you think he can keep that up when living with them? Is he really step-dad material, honestly?

Well my youngest is just about to be 18 so that's not a concern. The main thing is that the bad parts are really bad.

Thanks everyone for listening anyway, and for the advice. Posting here was a step as for so long I have been denying the problem existed.

I think this can be resolved.

You talk about him at length here, what he is like, his good points and his bad points. You talk as if his good points somehow make up for the general awful shitness of your relationship.

None of his good points are why you are with him. You are with him because YOU cannot bear to be on your own. You are in a relationship with an illusion. He could be Casanova or he could be an axe murderer and it would make no difference to your compulsion to hang on to him at any cost. It is IRONIC that you think he should get therapy and change for you! Seriously, how did you end up so far down this rabbit hole?

Do you want to carry on being a puppet in your own life?

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, but after reading your posts, I have to say, it sounds exactly like a situation two friends I have are going through. They cannot seem to find a happy medium where they are both willing to accept each others wants, wishes and time alone for them to singularly enjoy their own hobbies. I know enough from my friends situation that there is a financial disparity on her side and he's been robbed by his ex, so he's on his guard from this. On the other side of this, she will not divulge what he financial situation is, so neither of them will commit to putting a set amount each into a joint account or pot so they can both have the knowledge that there's an equal amount for them to live on.
Obviously, there's more than this going on with them, but it so reminds me of the OP's original post, it's very saddening that two people who could be together and happy, just cannot seem to get over the hump. When they are together and all is well, they are the most loved up, happy and consistent couple in the world, but when there's doubt or a niggle rears it's head, it all seems to fall apart and they split up again.
I hope the OP can find some inner peace, a way through and can be able to move on.

Moving in together is not the answer. He will not change and you will be stuck even more in a relationship that is not fulfilling.

You need to ask yourself why you are so unhappy and also know that you will be asking this in two/five/ten years time

Why would you want to move in with this horrible man? Aren't you miserable enough as it us?

You may think you're not codependent, but you might nevertheless benefit from reading 'Codependent No More'

Your partner sounds like my ex (without the good parts), however I was the one who didn't want to move in, not because I was phobic of commitment - just because I didn't want to give up my home ....

Anyway - it sounds like you're championing him as well as resenting him .... I don't think not living together is a huge deal (unless he's living a secret double life) ... I personally would rather a partner where we don't have to live together ...

From what you have stated as all his issues, why would you WANT to live with him!?