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Original poster

Husband affair

30 replies

Underscore83 · 27/11/2021 09:48

Hey I'm new here and need some advice.

Found out last month my husband is having a. 3 month affair...no sex but meeting after work kissing and dirty texts.
He works very closely with her in a hard job which is shifts and they are on same section.

He promised me it was over and no more contact.
I've seen his phone bill and is still in contact with her by phone pretty regularly...he hasn't said he's met up yet as I haven't confrontee him about phone bill.

We've got a 7 year old been together 12 years married 7.
She's 10 years younger then me no kids and married.

Can a marriage survive or because of betrayal is it done.
I have noone to turn too for advice

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 27/11/2021 09:56

Everyone has different ‘red lines’ and boundaries, but that’d be it for me. He’s a cheat and a liar.

Interrobanger · 27/11/2021 09:59

You have to assume he will only admit to the bare minimum he thinks he can get away with. So I would try to get used to the idea that he almost certainly has had sex with her, and that’s your starting point for what you want to do.

Have you thought about what you want to do? How is he behaving? Is he beside himself with remorse or trying to play it down and rewrite history so that it’s somehow your fault for not giving him enough attention?

How did you find out?

PurrBox · 27/11/2021 10:01

99% chance he has had sex with her, and he will have lied about everything that he could in order to minimise what has happened.

That doesn't mean you have to dump him- only you will know what to do (and it might or might not take time to work out what you want). Just really important for you to assume you can't believe what he tells you to avoid more heartbreaking disappointments and repeated losses of trust.

I am so very sorry you are going through this hell.

starrynight21 · 27/11/2021 10:02

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. For me this would be a deal breaker - mainly because of the lying. He promised me it was over and no more contact but he is still in contact . Considering that the entire timeline is only a month, he must have resumed contact immediately. So he had no intention of doing what he promised you he'd do.

I personally wouldn't stay married - for a marriage to survive, both parties have to want it ( and want it sincerely). He obviously doesn't want it at all, so that's telling you everything you need to know.

BTW I wouldn't believe for a minute that they haven't had sex . Grown ups don't just "meet up for kissing " . They work closely together in a hard job, no doubt things got intense between them over time , and they ended up seeing each other outside of work. The idea that they then just kissed , is pretty hard to believe. I think he told you that to minimise the fallout. And the fact that he immediately went back to contacting her, tells you that he has no respect for you at all.

I'd be seeing a lawyer at this point. He has betrayed your trust - I wouldn't be able to keep going after this behaviour. Good luck.

category12 · 27/11/2021 10:56

If they were kissing, they were probably shagging too. I would think he's minimised what he admitted to. You'd be surprised what people will get up to in the loos or car.

It's likely they're still meeting up if they're on the phone a lot.

He cheated, and then made promises to you, which he hasn't kept.

So he's not trying to keep the marriage together, he's trying to have both.

When you talk to him about it, if he makes promises again, will you be able to believe him?

litterbird · 27/11/2021 11:17

Sorry OP this is a full blown affair and he is having and continues to have sex with her. Dont believe a word he is saying. Its just the script they use to minimise everything. Honestly, they think we are all stupid....it does my head in. If you want to stay married to him then he will no doubt remain in touch with the OW despite his protestations. You may have to turn a blind eye if that is what you want. Personally I would be getting my ducks in a row and head off out the marriage. Its personal choice for you.

littlemiss93 · 27/11/2021 11:24

I'll bet my house there is more than he's telling you sadly. I'm 3 yrs on from finding out my husband's affair and countless lies. I was in complete sock back then and my children were so young!! I was frightened of being alone and stupidly let him stay.. I regret that so much, it's never been the same, he makes my skin crawl and I'm saving every dam penny to get away from him. Don't be me. Call him out and pack his bags. Sending hugs xx

BloodyAlarms · 27/11/2021 11:41

How awful for you OP.

I personally couldn't stay with someone who did this to me.

Just because he says they haven't had sex.. doesn't make it true.

He is a lier and a cheat.

MMmomDD · 27/11/2021 11:58

It may or may not have turned into a physical affair - that requires time and money. Check his accounts and see if there have been any hotel transactions.
For starters - I’d send evidence (do you have screenshots or smth) to the woman’s husband.
I’d also confront him and demand he changed shifts. As a bare minimum. And the have a frank conversation about what is going to happen.
If he wants to stay and rebuild - he needs to put in actual effort. Transparency and communication is non negotiable.

How do you feel? Do you want to try to work on this? It’s OK if you do - most marriages doesn’t actually breakdown post affairs. Many people decide to get through it - with various degrees of success.

Tiredofbs123 · 27/11/2021 11:59

Tbh I wouldn’t even be considering staying with him atm. He’s still lying and cheating. He’s still betraying you and I agree with others adults don’t just kiss. He is minimising.

You’ve only just found out, and you’re still uncovering the extent of this. Right now you need to look after you. Self care first. STD tests (I’m sorry to say). I’d get legal advice. I’d then tell him what you know.

You can’t even consider whether or not you will stay with him until you know that he’s prepared to fight for you and your family. Right now he’s not doing that. He’s a typical nasty cake eating cheat.

Read ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’, surviving infidelity is a great website that can guide you through the next few months.

I stayed, it can work, I’m very happy, but I only made my decision when I knew he was prepared to fight and work hard to be a safer partner for me.

Your husband is still actively cheating. I’m so sorry I know how destroyed you must be.

category12 · 27/11/2021 12:02

@MMmomDD

It may or may not have turned into a physical affair - that requires time and money. Check his accounts and see if there have been any hotel transactions. For starters - I’d send evidence (do you have screenshots or smth) to the woman’s husband. I’d also confront him and demand he changed shifts. As a bare minimum. And the have a frank conversation about what is going to happen. If he wants to stay and rebuild - he needs to put in actual effort. Transparency and communication is non negotiable.

How do you feel? Do you want to try to work on this? It’s OK if you do - most marriages doesn’t actually breakdown post affairs. Many people decide to get through it - with various degrees of success.

Sex doesn't require much time and definitely doesn't need money.

Had a couple at our workplace who used to shag in the disabled loo and the storage room in the roof void. And there's always the car.

StormyTeacups · 27/11/2021 12:05

Even if it was just kissing, he is risking his family and your love for just a kiss. Not even sex.

There is no positive here.

Tiredofbs123 · 27/11/2021 12:08

Just to add, when you challenge him there are some givens if he pleads for you.
Absolutely no contact with the affair partner, this can include a no contact letter from you both.
Total transparency on all devices and on SM.
Absolute honesty about the extent of the affair with a timeline.

If he’s prepared to give you these things, then and only then would I be considering whether or not I’d stay.

gonnabeok · 27/11/2021 12:11

He has had sex with her OP, look up the cheaters script . They all say that so to keep one foot in the door with you when they get found out. I tried to forgive after cheating and had him back. It didn’t work as it ate me up and it turned out that there were other things he had lied about so I got rid of him and am much happier for it. He also lied to our dd.

If he promised you he would stop and has STILL gone behind your back, he had no respect or true love for you. He’s not who you thought he was. Get angry but most of all throw this fish back in the slimy pond he came from.

I’ve been where you are and it’s devastating. Take it day by day. Concentrate on you and your de. Get some legal advice and ensure you have copies of all your financial documents. If I was you I would take your share of any joint money out of accounts and put it into your own account. If you decide to end it be prepared that he may get nasty.

Helpstopthepain · 27/11/2021 12:11

He’s cheated on you and continues to lie to you. He doesn’t love or respect you. How much more obvious can he be?

You will forever be suspicious (for a good reason). Can you live everyday wondering if he is being honest?

Original poster
Underscore83 · 27/11/2021 14:30

Thank you all.

I'm going to confront him tonight. He doesn't know I have a copy of this month's phone bill and also her telephone number that I got off FB when he synced his phone contacts.
Never in a millions years did I expect this...everyone has always said we're like the perfect couple.

I also feel sorry for her poor husband not knowing it's still going on.

We had a devastating diagnosis with my daughter this year and she has been so so unwell and now left with disabilities.
I hate him so much but of course I love him too

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 27/11/2021 14:52

I’m sorry op, that’s awful. I would definitely confront him, but be armed with as many facts as possible (can you access emails/ bank statements etc?) Tell him he is just the same as every other sad git who has been caught playing away…..they ALL lie/deny/minimise, there is absolutely nothing special about him. Ask him whether it would actually be possible for him to grow a spine, tell you the truth and enable you to make decisions based on the real facts. I would also be contacting the husband. Good luck xxx

spotcheck · 27/11/2021 14:59

It doesn't matter if he out bits of himself inside bits of her.

He's been massively disloyal, which is a symptom of disrespect.

It's all the same thing really.

gonnabeok · 27/11/2021 15:08

Good luck OP be prepared for him to minimise it though, he may even say she wouldn't leave him alone and she has pursued him.He will probably have told her that he is sleeping in the spare room and you are separating. I found out a lot from the other woman who also ditched him by the way.

Signalstation · 27/11/2021 15:12

Shocking. So sorry, you sound such a lovely person x

WhatsTheEffingPoint · 27/11/2021 15:16

Sorry for this OP.
Only you know your boundaries and what you can honestly deep down forgive.
All I will say if you do try to move on and forgive then you really do need to just that. If your going to worry every time he's out on his own, his phone bings, you have a row and it gets dragged up again then leave now as that mental anguish will do more harm over a longer time.

girlmom21 · 27/11/2021 15:23

You caught him out and he apologised and said it'd stop. It hasn't. He's taking you for a mug. Once the respect has gone from a relation, what's left?

MsDogLady · 27/11/2021 15:47

This is just terrible, OP. Your 7 year old daughter had a devastating diagnosis and has been left with disabilities….and your H compounds your pain and stress by cheating, lying, and then continuing to cheat. What a absolute pig.

You gave him a chance to regain your trust and he threw it back in your face. You would be very foolish to give him the opportunity to betray you (and DD) again. You both deserve an emotionally safe home. Flowers

RubyTuesday70 · 27/11/2021 15:50

Is he sorry he did it, or sorry he got caught?

There's a line for me and that would be right over it, sorry.

littlemiss93 · 28/11/2021 09:47

So sorry to hear of your DD diagnosis, sadly that doesn't excuse his behaviour and if anything makes it so much worse. I hope you managed to have that chat, please be mindful of the lies - there will be many. When I think back to those early days of find out I remember how confused and scared I was. Take one day at a time, don't be pressured into deciding anything until your ready to do so.