Female groups.... what am I doing wrong???

[pcofmushu]

Throughout school, college and uni I always felt like a spare part in friendship groups. I got along with most people, but to form a real connection with a true group of friends didn't happen very often.

I have made more friends in my adult life which I know isn't uncommon. However, when it comes to groups of female friends something still just isn't right? I am always the one to not be invited to something (and find out once the group plaster it all over social media) - they invite me to some things and not to other things. They seem to only invite me to some things when one or two of the others can't make it, like I'm on the "reserves list" or something! But it is very hurtful. It makes me question what am I doing wrong, why am I excluded from things when the rest of the group are there? We did have a WhatsApp group chat between us, but I can only imagine they have made a new one without me in it to plan these kinds of things, because the WA group that I was part of hadn't had a message on it for months!

It's just really hurtful. Whilst I have got friends scattered around here and there, I don't have a solid group of female friends like lots of other women seem to have 😔

Following as my daughter struggles to maintain close female friends

You are not doing anything wrong, this is what some female groups are like. Sometimes people are left off the invitation message as they are not very well organised, other times it might be deliberate. Either way in groups like this you need to not care, take some control and organise your own things and be proactive. Sitting back and hoping the invites roll in will never work.

If you have known for so long that groups don't work well for you, I wonder why you pursue them? Maybe you are far better and happier with one to one meaningful friendships. You don't have to have big groups of girlfriends to have fun and enjoy yourself. If you feel sidelined then stop giving them your time. Choose to spend your time with people that value your friendship, and genuinely care for you (ie not just padding)

You may think girl groups are more fun, more often than not they bring the same amount of stress and upset. Settle for something better.

As PP said, maybe the dynamic of groups (or this group in particular). just isn’t your thing. If it’s stressful for you, maybe you’re better at and happier in closer 1-1 friendships. Nothing at all wrong with that!

Groups can rife with politics, in-fighting, cliques - not always any easy or fun thing to navigate.

Make the choice to spend your time more enjoyably- life’s short

Even in adulthood people can be cliquey - you’re not doing anything wrong, but you may not be able to change things very much. I’d suggest fostering good friendships with individuals rather than groups if possible.

I’ve got a friend who I like a lot but she’s quite guarded, she can be very sweet and generous but it’s rare. She doesn’t like other people coming to her home and she doesn’t drink - so doesn’t particularly enjoy nights out. I’m quite like this too so I don’t have much issue with it, but I know it puts others off. To some extent an introvert vs extrovert thing.

I have another friend who isn’t invited to stuff because her husband is such a dick. She’s lovely but nobody wants to spend more time with him. It’s seems really mean but he does change the group dynamic so much for the negative that I try to only do ‘girls only’ stuff with her.

Do you contribute to the groups - both in real life and on WA? In recent years I've built some solid friendships in a new area but I've put in quite a lot of effort, always asking friends how things in their lives have gone but also bringing my own stories and conversation. I find it hard work in a group when someone doesn't bring any discussion and it feels like I have to do all the work.

Whilst I have got friends scattered around here and there, I don't have a solid group of female friends like lots of other women seem to have

Why are you making yourself miserable, chasing after something unreal? Something which other people only 'seem' to have? You're not at school any more. Concentrate on 1:1 friendships. It's what adults do.

It does sound disheartening.

Are you doing some initiating? What happens if you put a message on the quiet WhatsApp group to suggest a walk & coffee tomorrow afternoon (or whatever your typical thing is)?

I've experienced this my whole life. I think I am probably a bit guarded and I come across how I don't intend and look a bit superior. I seem to have deeper connections with individual people rather than casual friendship in a group, which I don't think is a bad thing.

I was part of a group of school Mums who’d get together once or dc’s all went to different secondary schools. We relaxed a lot more knowing we weren’t seeing each other at the school gates every day and it was lovely,. One of the Mums was a talker, on and on and on I tried really hard to break into her monologues to bring the conversation back to other people, but it was hard work. Eventually the others who’d known her for longer than me said they just couldn’t deal with her anymore and a new WhatsApp group was set up. The sad thing is I think she talked so much because she was lonely, but it just ruined every night out.

You have to want/be able to put yourself out there, and that means sometimes being vulnerable, sometimes being turned down etc but every thing that does not work out, so many occasions will. If you want to maintain group friendships you have to put the work in. You can't be passive. Initiating dinners, get togethers and fun stuff. Checking in with each friend individually, developing the friendship. Investing.

Unless you have the confidence to do that, then groups won't work. You will get lost in the melee, and the others will assume you are not particularly interested/invested and spend more time with each other.

mac I don't think your group sounds very kind all, but is the perfect example of toxic groups if I might add. The poor woman that was lonely, what a heartless thing to do to her.
I am not sure why you would want to be friends with people that are that unkind. I would really judge friends for dropping her like that. I am sure she still wonders where she went wrong. If her rabbiting bothered you that much why weren't you honest with her? Perhaps she was nervous? I have lots of serious 'talkers' as friends, and generally prefer it to the ones that contribute nothing. But then I tend to accept people as they are.

I have a friend who cancels last minute for various reasons when you make plans. So she doesn't get asked out much anymore as people assume she won't come. The thing is she GENUINELY feels hurt when she's left out and acts like she would have come. I think some people just have no self-awareness. When I told her I went to a friend's birthday celebration she said she was hurt she went invited when:
-she didn't invite friend to hers and
-she never turns up to things that friend and I invite her to 🤷🏽‍♀️

Had another friend from work who never initiated anything and never contributed anything to a conversation. If you asked her her opinion she'd just say she agreed with whatever the previous person had said. We grew apart as I just felt she didn't enhance the friendship in any way. It was work having a conversation with her, friendship goes two ways.

Groups are always shifting. I've never experienced an actual "friendship group" with specific group members with agreed-upon activities and quorum that went on that way forever. It's more like, you have a group of law school friends and then some of them like running so they do that together and then another person joins but she also likes yoga... So the "groups" sort of merge and split and move about.

Dont waste energy taking it all so personally. If you want to see someone, reach out and arrange something.

In fairness to @MacNTosh, friendships are primarily there for enjoyment, not for charitable reasons.

If you aren’t enjoying someone’s company then it is understandable you wouldn’t continue to seek it.

I maintain that dropping someone because they are lonely and talk too much is a horrible reason to drop her from the group. Just make a joke of it her chatter and move on to chat to other people.

MacNTosh and subsequent pp illuminate the exact reason why some groups are really crap and hurtful. Apparently there just for enjoyment, no word on support, interest or common interest or longevity. I guess if you are looking for pure superficial fluff for your own entertainment then girl groups might be for you, but for something more meaningful it might be better to avoid them as this thread has shown. I will say my own groups of friends are seriously supportive and kind, and enrich my life, but not all groups have been like this, and I have dropped out of loads over the years because it was based on convenience/fluff etc

I don’t really have friendship groups either - it’s more common to have one to one friendships and sometimes those bump together. I do have some social groups (book group, an industry group) and those are more casual.

Just work on fostering strong friendships with one or two people instead of forcing a group dynamic.

It is a chronic waste of time when you could be with friends that have something more to them.

Yeah, once I aged out of my 20s I didn’t really have ‘groups’ either. I have some very good friends but they’re scattered across the country, from different aspects of my life - sometimes if I arrange something in particular like for a birthday or my hen/ wedding some or all of them might get together, some of them go together better than others, but mostly they’re individual friendships who all have their own other friendships too.

I think a lot of tv/ books etc is formatted around the idea of a big group of friends but I don’t think it works out like that in real life really. My DH was saying the other day ‘we don’t really have a friendship group do we?’ after something we were watching and it’s true, we don’t. He has his friends and I have mine and everyone gets on well enough when they need to but there’s no point trying to force it to be something it’s not.

Do you organise things? Invite people to things yourself? Or do you just wait to be invited? If the latter, why not try sending a message to the group saying that you're doing X or you'd like to try out Y restaurant if anyone is interested in joining you?

And also because of the arguments. Someone usually falls out with someone else and the whole thing becomes awkward.

I choose not to be part of a group, it doesn't work for me, I like separate individuals. However, the groups I do know are often linked by historical bonds and in many cases their partners also get on well, which leads to increased time socialising.

I don't understand how you can see something on social media about friends meeting up and then immediately conclude that "the group" conspired to arrange an "event" and purposefully "exclude" you.

And being "the last invited"? How would you even know?

Maybe yeah they're being mean, but also maybe it was an impromptu thing, maybe they thought you worked Tuesdays, maybe maybe maybe...

If you actually want to spend time with these people, invite them to something! If they don't take you up on it, invite someone else.

Are you 'trying too hard?' .. I am in a number of friendship groups but they are quite 'fluid' with people crossing over from one group to another .... nothing 'mean' about it but one friend might have no interest in going walking, another friend might have no interest in pub nights etc.

I wouldn't want a 'solid gang' of friends, I like people with different interests and to do different things with.

And yes, are you initiating get-togethers? Some people are very passive and leave it to others to do all the suggesting and organising.

Are you seen as a newcomer? Or too clingy? Needy? I think feel female groups exclude others in a snidey/ghosting way, whereas men are bluster with each other. Possibly?
I am I a few female WA groups . In one, so done was removed as they're quite a moaner and drags the mood down! Another group I never bothered with as much as they're all younger and I'm the middle aged one. Some female groups seem to struggle with the one who is over sensitive and hard work.
It's a minefield tbh. It may be as simple as they're not ^your^tribe. I'm sure others will be.