Female groups.... what am I doing wrong???

[pcofmushu]

Throughout school, college and uni I always felt like a spare part in friendship groups. I got along with most people, but to form a real connection with a true group of friends didn't happen very often.

I have made more friends in my adult life which I know isn't uncommon. However, when it comes to groups of female friends something still just isn't right? I am always the one to not be invited to something (and find out once the group plaster it all over social media) - they invite me to some things and not to other things. They seem to only invite me to some things when one or two of the others can't make it, like I'm on the "reserves list" or something! But it is very hurtful. It makes me question what am I doing wrong, why am I excluded from things when the rest of the group are there? We did have a WhatsApp group chat between us, but I can only imagine they have made a new one without me in it to plan these kinds of things, because the WA group that I was part of hadn't had a message on it for months!

It's just really hurtful. Whilst I have got friends scattered around here and there, I don't have a solid group of female friends like lots of other women seem to have 😔

Yes but @Fairylights25 while the act of friendship may lead to kindness, people don’t become friends to ‘be kind’, they become friends because they like the person.

It’s brutal, I’ll admit, but also life is sometimes just too short.

I hope I don’t come across as superior here but your answer shows you don’t really understand how someone like this can mean that any social events are pretty unenjoyable and boring for everyone. I have an aunt who does this and ‘make a joke of it’ would go completely over her head.

I’ve always found friendship groups difficult, I don’t know how to “be” in a group and just find it mentally and emotionally exhausting.

I put it down to attending 5 different primary schools and not really being able to make lasting friendships as we were always moving and unfortunately it’s made me feel an outsider. I’m in my 50s now and only have single friends who I meet up with regularly and I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ll never be part of a group.

OP you could ask one of the group what the issue is but to be honest I’d be more inclined to forget about them and focus on your real friends.

I've always preferred 1 on 1 friendships rather than a group. Can't stand the cliques and politics.

I'm very sociable and have made lots of friends in my 30s, but am not part of a group and don't want you be. Groups are prone to imploding. I like seeing one or two friends at a time for proper conversation.
I'm friends with someone who is in a big, tight friendship group and I heard them talking about why one woman wasn't invited to a big weekend away they had planned. It was because she was 'introverted' and 'doesn't like to party' (get hammered and do loads of coke!'). I thought 'oh well, you're describing me!'
Could there be something specific like this with your particular friendship group OP?

I’ve not been part of a female group of friends since school (I’m in my 20s). I just have individual friends unconnected with each other. Groups come with so much drama. I was sick of having to choose sides when others fell out.

I sat (before covid) beside a woman who said she always felt left out (I have two close work friends within a massive office).I tried to include her in exercise classes we did but she felt she was too knowledgeable to take direction from someone else (may have been true), she also didn't contribute a lot to conversations and I just stopped making an effort. If she needs a day off it's always for a "private matter". Most people would just say they need to take a day off so it highlighted that she was not telling me! She always implied to others that I left her out. Not saying you do any of this but could there be a vibe you are giving off?

I've found that if you take care of 1:1 friendships, groups take care of themselves.

I am in 2 close girlfriend groups. I am in my late 50s and have known these sets of friends for over 30 years. I put effort in to organise days out, nights out and dinners at my place. Its a fluid situation as another lady will pick up the baton and organise things too. Recently I spent a lot of time organising a weekend away for one of the girls 50th. In turn someone is organising a big pre Christmas meal for us all. Its all to do with making an effort, ensuring you have things in common with that group and understanding they can be fluid and change as life changes. I also have close 1 to 1 friendships that equally take time and effort to maintain.

People want to be friends with people who give them what they need/want from a friendship. The better the "fit", the closer the friendship. As others in this thread have said, it's not a charitable arrangement. They won't feel that they owe you friendship simply because they know you and you haven't done anything wrong.

I don't mean it unkindly as I've been in a very similar position most of my life. Only a handful of close friends over the years. In groups I'm probably the most disposable . I'm a nice person, kind and loyal but a bit quiet and socially awkward. I can push through by making the effort but it's hard not to look "try too hard". People want friendships where it all flows easily.

In the last few years I have organised situations for groups of women to meet together. What I have seen is that some women like to form cliques very quickly - they enjoy the in group/outsider dynamic. I have found it more rewarding just to make one to one friendships and am wary of toxic group dynamics. Just make friends one at a time - you will find you really don't need that many to be happy.

I’m not a female group person, either. Nothing to fret about, just that is how I’m wired. I don’t blame other women, this is simply a personality difference. I expect you do better in a one-to-one situation, OP.

Have you bonded individually with people in that group? You are more likely to be included in group activities if there is a closeness.

I'm a bit of a loan wolf in my life. I have 3 good friends scattered around the UK. But other than that I just go to work and then I'm mum. I also don't do relationships so am single by choice.

And this works fine for me. I'm in my early 30's accomplished in my career, I'm a fairly attractive woman, lively and outgoing. But I like my life as it is.

I've never been one to chase groups or be part of anything. I don't have fear of missing out or anything.

I know I'm the exception but even in only the 30 years I've been in this planet all I have ever found about "friendship groups" is bitchiness, jealousy, fights, misunderstandings, people being dissapointed/left out. I don't see what's attractive about them 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s brutal, I’ll admit, but also life is sometimes just too short.I hope I don’t come across as superior here but your answer shows you don’t really understand how someone like this can mean that any social events are pretty unenjoyable and boring for everyone. I have an aunt who does this and ‘make a joke of it’ would go completely over her head

I don't find you superior, but I do find that comment quite condescending. I am part of quite a few groups, and have been for years and I don't feel the need to eject people less sparkling than myself. I happen to think most people have something to contribute, which is probably why our groups are inclusive, supportive and generally kind. If you are stuck with someone boring then move on and talk to someone else, you don't need to start a new WA group without them! Surely much better to look for something you do like in their characters. You will never find a perfect group of equally interesting, attractive and entertaining women there will always be the quieter ones, the more gregarious etc.

If you to limit your exposure to your aunt or others that 'bore' you then go for it, but I would say by limiting your social life to people just like you then you are unlikely to learn anything new, become vanilla and will not remain a fresh thinker with an open mind and likely you will eventually become old and set in your ways surrounded by cardboard cutouts of nodding dogs.

I certainly didn’t mean to be condescending, but I’m lost as to why you think that I only want to be friends with people like me.

I don’t want to be around people who bore me. I am not their mother and it isn’t my job to change their behaviour. If someone’s behaviour is boring, rude, abrasive, whatever, I won’t spend time with that person. Not because I’m ‘unkind’ or wish to be mean to someone but because I have a very limited amount of spare time and I want what little there is to be enjoyable, not being bored to tears.

Fair enough, but I find most people inc my dearest friends can be boring at times so do you reject them as soon as they tip into lame entertainment or do you give them second chances?

Yes, but the key there is ‘at times.’

Everyone, in a long friendship, is going to have periods where they drone on about something or periods when they are a bit down or whatever. That’s fine, you out up with that as it’s temporary.

But that wasn’t what the previous poster was talking about. She was talking about a woman who had always been dominating the entire evening or social event with monologues and didn’t show any signs of changing. It wasn’t someone being temporarily a bit dull, it was her personality!

*put

I’m part of a group of women, 4 of us + 3 that we invite sometimes but not every time. Reasons are:

• one is very extrovert and can monopolize the conversation. Sometimes we want to talk about ourselves as well.
• one very rarely offers to have us at hers (we are supposed to take turns to host, no issues with her DH preventing her from hosting).
• one is single (rest of us are married) and talks a lot about her flings, the sex she is having with details etc which is fun once in a while but not every time.

Nothing personal, it is more about dynamics, the 4 that always meet just like to have some quieter evenings where we can discuss personal things as a smaller group.

Reason, season & lifetime.
I value the friendships in all three.
A few groups have imploded turns out it was a reason, and our babies and us were changing.
Recently I've dumped one individual that was using me as unpaid therapy, not at all interested or left room for my stories.
The hardest groups are those with individuals who try to gain so social capital, Jane Austen would recognize them and they are still with us in 2021.

Hi OP, I feel quite similar.

I had trouble with friendships as a child and teen, better by college and university. I've learned to develop and maintain good 1-1 friendships with both men and women, and as an adult have a reasonable number of 1-1 friendships.

But in a group dynamic, I'm always on the outskirts of the group. e.g. invited to the BBQ with 30 attendees, but not the one with 10.

Though I sometimes wonder why, and maybe feel fleetingly hurt, it actually suits me quite well, I much prefer small groups or 1-1 conversations, I find it hard to be sociable when it's loud, or there's too much going on, and I don't tend to enjoy group activities that much...

I don't do 'brutal' morven my life though, and all time is precious and for the short time I am on the earth I intend to make others feel welcome.
I spend time having fun, but I don't as a rule judge others regarding how 'entertaining' they are for my benefit and whether they are 'worth' my time or not. Every person is worthy of time. I find your attitude strangely cold and calculating and at odds with a being a warm hearted person.

You need new friends who will value you! Friendship should be a fun and positive experience. If this group makes you insecure and feel bad about yourself you need to take a step back from them and find more like-minded people.

I moved to London and in my 40s I had to build a new group of friends from scratch. Some I met though work, others through taking art classes, even through dating (we did not work out as partners but became really good mates instead).

Also try not to restrict yourself too much in term of who you befriend. My friends are of different ages, backgrounds, gay, straight and I have male friends as well, no just females.

I am quite an introvert so if I can manage to make some friends I think most people will find it easier than I did!

I think you need to let things happen naturally. It’s ok if you don’t get on with a group of people. And they aren’t necessarily being nasty. It’s just how it goes.
If you’re coming across as insincere or needy that puts people off.

I’ve had to fade out a friendship with a needy person. She was just too fake because she was desperate to be accepted. Sad thing is if she chilled out and wasn’t so possessive etc then she’d be great to be around.

Also agree friendships aren’t charity. No need to be nasty to people but equally no need to maintain relationships with those you don’t enjoy.

I don’t think anyone is friends with ‘a group’ though? Groups are just social groups - some people are the life and soul, some people actively maintain individual friendships within the group, and either of these types will be at the heart of the group get asked everywhere. If you are just a peripheral member you won’t be asked all the time.

Friendships are different - they are individual relationships, and they take effort.

So you either need to build individual relationships, or be a life and soul person. But if you want to be part of friendship groups, have a couple, don’t reply on one.