Is this depression or am I just unsatisfied?

[ICanSeeARainbow123]

I can't even put the feeling into words really. It's like the world is too big for me, too cold, too full of people. I've always craved love that I've never been able to find. My childhood was good, which I'm very grateful for but as an adult I've never ever been able to find a unit of my own. I feel like I'm left out of a world where everybody has found their place and I'm the only one left wandering around like I don't belong anywhere - although I know that's not really true and many people struggle. I feel like I'm grieving a life I wasn't able to find, like I got overlooked somehow. I've totally given up on trying to find a partner now because I've been kicked in the face so many times I honestly think one more would leave me suffering a nervous breakdown. I don't struggle to get out of bed but I have no zest for life and I feel sad and anxious and bitter all the time. There's always a fist clenched in my stomach that hurts me. If I'm somewhere high up with a city view for example I imagine all the people out and about and just feel so alone and overwhelmed. I'm struggling to put the actual feeling into words really. I just feel like I'm sinking lower and lower. I avoid people most of the time because I'm an introvert anyway and people often frighten or drain me. I never wanted loads of friends or a dog or a high flying career. I just wanted someone who "gets me". Someone to be in a little bubble with. I don't know if I'm just a bit lonely and pissed off or if I'm actually heading into worrying territory. Wherever I am however many people are around me my world just feels silent. I cry a lot alone but rarely in front of people. I entertain myself with evening courses and exercise etc and I make sure I get outside. I just feel this empty pointless feeling is becoming more and more difficult to carry. I'm late 30s.

It doesn't sound like depression because you entertain yourself and you get yourself outside.

I get what you mean though because I remember feeling similarly when I was mid twenties (much older now!). It's just about finding someone you click with, and that can take ages, especially as an introvert.

You can bet that there are countless people exactly in your position. It's just finding them because, as introverts, they won't be easy to find. Forums is a good start though! What part of the world are you in?

People can be depressed and get out of bed! They can also find ways to spend their time. It sounds like you have anxiety, you know the clenched fist in your stomach.

I think that what lies at the heart of this is that you don’t feel well in yourself, you want someone who gets you, because you think it would make that feeling go away. But it won’t, and no one will ever give you that feeling or give it to you consistently. It’s ultimately down to how well or unwell you feel in yourself. It dictates everything else- how we feel, how we see the world, events, and other people. How we see ourselves and our lives.

Go and see a GP. Tell them about the clenched fist in your stomach, the feeling alone, bitter, the crying. There is help.

The clenched feeling isn't anxiety. It's just painful

Not sure if it's depression as it seems to be caused by a very specific loneliness. When you have been in relationships (the ones that were good, however brief they may have been), have you felt the same? Did you feel like this as a child, or is this a more recent development?

You say that relationships haven't gone well for you. What has been the reason for this?

It's definitely a cause for concern and one you should talk to a professional about, because the head space you're in will stop you from actually meeting someone, and cannot be good for your general health either. I do believe that happiness and contentment doesn't come naturally to some people and needs to be learned through therapy/CBT etc. You may be such a person.

OP I could have written most of this myself, I can relate but I'm a bit older than you. I have never been able to put into words how I feel but you did it perfectly.

I wish I had some advice but I have none. I just keep pushing thru day by day. I don't think it will get better for me (too old, most good men are taken, I dont go out much and I have health/physical issues now). It is soul crushing to think I will never meet that one person that gets me that I will click with (I did have one a long long time ago but I let him get away). I'm sure I shed tears almost daily about it.

I could say the cliche thing that you are still young and there's someone out there for you but I wont say it. Everyone said it to me and it didn't happen (not that it wont for you!) I will just say that I hope it gets better for you. And you can PM me anytime as no one understands where I'm coming from so I dont talk to anyone in real life about how I feel.

It sounds like a mix of high functioning anxiety and depression.

You are able to function quite well, but feel bad. I think you need to seek help for it.

I’ve worked whilst being actively suicidal. No one could tell. That’s what being high functioning is.

Sadly it is a misconception that depression means you don't get out of bed at all, or other extreme examples.

I had depression when I was in my 20's but on the surface I was high functioning, I worked in a call centre and rented a flat.

I basically deceived myself that I wasn't depressed because I was spending all day long doing a "happy voice" customer support job, and going home to my flat in North London that I was paying rent for. So how could I have depression?

Without this turning into a me-rail I felt slightly similar to you. I can't provide a diagnosis for you. But if you're asking "am I depressed?" Chances are you may well be?

I just want to be happy. Oh how wonderful it must be to be happy. To feel like you can drop your baggage and feel that you've just come home. A foundation 💕 A purpose x

O.P, I think you do sound as though you are depressed. Please seek help from your G.P and tell them how you feel and about how you fear you are heading into worrying territory. Also please consider counselling as this might give you some insight into how you can help yourself to find some sense of purpose and pleasure in life.

I thought my childhood was good until I had psychotherapy.

sounds like dysthymia to me, something I suffer with but as we're the inbetweeners so to speak, it's not bad enough to do something about but also not good enough to be able to lead a decent life. Still getting to grips with it myself

Anxiety and depression are not a one size fits all. Your in that age group of women where they start to panic about finding a significant other. Seen it many times amongst friends and also there are posts on MN practically every day. People react differently to it, sounds like you are very sad, possibly depressed about it. My SIL had an unusual reaction to a similar situation she became very bitter and aggressive.

You need some help with your sadness so it doesn’t turn in to definite depression but your feelings of sadness are normal to your situation. If you can afford it then I would encourage you to pay for therapy.

I'm no expert but this sounds exactly like depression to me op. You don't have to be confined to bed to be depressed, some depressed people can "function" on a daily basis, but they do so without joy and with everything feeling grey and pointless.

Would you consider going to see a licensed psychotherapist to talk this through with them? Psychotherapy (if you find the right match) can be very good for when you feel "stuck" at various points in life. Good luck to you

I don't see how therapy would help to be honest, though I can afford it. At the end of the day I can lie on someone's sofa and talk until I'm blue in the face. I'm still going home alone. I see no end to this at all. I am so so lonely.

@ICanSeeARainbow123

I don't see how therapy would help to be honest, though I can afford it. At the end of the day I can lie on someone's sofa and talk until I'm blue in the face. I'm still going home alone. I see no end to this at all. I am so so lonely.

Because, being blunt, if you are going to be alone for the rest of your life (which is by no means certain) then it might be helpful to have some help adjusting your mind-set to that situation, because it is all about how you react to it. For example, you may come to recognise that you may be lonely at certain times but then you may come to enjoy some aspects of living alone. And getting some support and understanding may help you to see your way out of the dark place you are in currently which in turn may attract different people to you and may lead you down different paths. Also, you must know on some level or another that being in a relationship doesn't automatically solve everyone's problems and lead to happiness. It helps if you are happy in yourself to begin with, although I am not sure that "happiness" is a very fruitful think to aim at really. Periods of contentment might be more realistic. Good luck

I feel like I'm constantly having an empty non existent conversation in my head. Where are you? Who are you? WHERE the fuck are you? I want to sit on a veranda somewhere and raise a toast with him. I have so much love and banter and respect to give him and I don't even want much from him. Just commitment. But I just want to celebrate him and encourage him to still do his thing. I'd be a really cool partner. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I’m going to be be blunt too; maybe you need to work on this, and yourself, with some therapy so that you can be an attractive partner.

It seems like you don’t feel like a whole person without a partner, and that’s a lot of pressure for one person. Maybe you need to work through this and feel whole before you can be with someone.

You can be your own “home” and have purpose without a partner. If you can get to that stage then finding someone to share your life with will be easier.

At the moment you are risking settling for anyone that will stick around. That could be a poor choice.

I have my shit together. Believe it or not people come to me for relationship advice. Fuck knows why but it seems to work. Own house, own money, own mind. I was actually in love with someone - really really in love - with someone a couple of years ago. I fucked him off because although he treated me well enough I was not part of his real life. It killed me. I do NOT regret it. I know my worth and do not tolerate bullshit. I'm no fool. It's all such a challenge. I just want a kindred.

Yes I know I can be myself without a partner. I can cope. I can entertain myself and be there for myself and put a roof over my head whatever. I can do it. I have done it. I do do it. But it's cold. I want someone to give a fuck.

I think you'd be better with a form of talking therapy called CBT, which is more about looking at what triggers your unhelpful thoughts, feelings and emotions and how they lead to certain behaviours and look at practically breaking down the vicious cycle that you're in. Your GP should be able to refer you to IAPT services for assessment and treatment. Waiting lists can be a few months, so if you can afford it, I'd try a a few private sessions (normally at least 6).

If you can afford private therapy I would find a psychotherapist. CBT won't look into your issues with any depth but psychotherapy will.

@ICanSeeARainbow123

Yes I know I can be myself without a partner. I can cope. I can entertain myself and be there for myself and put a roof over my head whatever. I can do it. I have done it. I do do it. But it's cold. I want someone to give a fuck.

Yes I totally see that op.

But I guess there isn't much people on-line can do about that for you, so they are offering alternative advice, me included. I have no particular expertise in life and bumble along like the rest of folk.

Fwiw my guess is if you get increasingly depressed about the situation you find yourself in i.e. without a partner, then you will put yourself out there less and less, and the likelihood is that you may not meet someone (although that is not a given as potential partners can spring up in the most unlikely places). For example, I know a couple in their 60s who married (first time for the both of them) last year, and they both said that they had given up looking.

The question is how you cope with this situation until you meet someone? I guess you have a choice (mentally I mean). To acknowledge that you find it hard and crap but nonetheless develop other meaningful relationships in your life - with people or animals - and build a network for yourself of friends and interests and try and enjoy life the best you can, or you sink further and further in to the feeling that you are an "outsider" or "you don't belong" which is totally untrue but nonetheless a feeling that many people can identify with I think.

There are many ways of living - either in a family unit or not - and many more people thrive living the single life. I recently lost a colleague who happened to be gay and although he didn't have a partner, he he had built up a wide network of friends who in a way fitted in to different compartments in his life. It took energy but he made it work and he created the life he wanted for himself. And please let me assure you that family life, although wonderful in many ways, can be stifling, anxiety provoking, monotonous and frustrating too, especially during these uncertain times.

Also, remember that the effects of this wretched pandemic have been hard on everyone, particularly those who live alone. So don't be too hard on yourself; you have done brilliantly to keep up with exercise and evening courses etc.

So although you don't see the point of therapy, it could help to have some support and validation and a temporary "cheerleader" if you like to help you negotiate a difficult patch. And maybe challenge your beliefs or encourage you to look at the world differently? It can be a huge relief to have a weekly, totally confidential "slot" of time, which is just for you, where you can express what you want and explore your own thoughts.

And maybe (sorry if this sounds patronising and straight out of Miss Trencher's School for Girls) look at what you can do for others to in terms of volunteering or mentoring and seek fulfilment and purpose in other ways?

Good luck to you

There's nothing anyone can say to me that I've not already told myself. There's no advice that I've not already advised myself on. I don't want loads of friends. I don't need more hobbies. I don't like dogs. So what's the point of putting something on an anonymous internet forum if I'm not really even asking for anything? I guess this is a place where it's just nice to vent and possibly to know that just somebody, anybody, just one person out there can relate to me.

I know you don’t want to hear this but I echo what others have said about seeing a properly qualified counsellor- as someone upthread said a psychotherapist.
You’re crying to yourself and know why but is that situation going to be solved next week? No probably not, so if you can go and talk to someone, they will help you cope with the situation you’re in now.

I put off going to therapy for years, I thought what’s the point/they won’t be able to help/I already know what’s wrong, but it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.