Is this depression or am I just unsatisfied?

[ICanSeeARainbow123]

I can't even put the feeling into words really. It's like the world is too big for me, too cold, too full of people. I've always craved love that I've never been able to find. My childhood was good, which I'm very grateful for but as an adult I've never ever been able to find a unit of my own. I feel like I'm left out of a world where everybody has found their place and I'm the only one left wandering around like I don't belong anywhere - although I know that's not really true and many people struggle. I feel like I'm grieving a life I wasn't able to find, like I got overlooked somehow. I've totally given up on trying to find a partner now because I've been kicked in the face so many times I honestly think one more would leave me suffering a nervous breakdown. I don't struggle to get out of bed but I have no zest for life and I feel sad and anxious and bitter all the time. There's always a fist clenched in my stomach that hurts me. If I'm somewhere high up with a city view for example I imagine all the people out and about and just feel so alone and overwhelmed. I'm struggling to put the actual feeling into words really. I just feel like I'm sinking lower and lower. I avoid people most of the time because I'm an introvert anyway and people often frighten or drain me. I never wanted loads of friends or a dog or a high flying career. I just wanted someone who "gets me". Someone to be in a little bubble with. I don't know if I'm just a bit lonely and pissed off or if I'm actually heading into worrying territory. Wherever I am however many people are around me my world just feels silent. I cry a lot alone but rarely in front of people. I entertain myself with evening courses and exercise etc and I make sure I get outside. I just feel this empty pointless feeling is becoming more and more difficult to carry. I'm late 30s.

I'll high five one thing though. I've lost 2 stone and have had at least 20 people compliment me. They think it was Slimming World. Was it fuck. But every cloud I suppose. I'm wearing size 10 again 👊

Why are you so reluctant to engage with therapy or counselling, OP? You’re currently miserable, it might help and it’s hardly going to make you MORE miserable, so why not? What have you got to lose?

You can have depression and get out of bed and go out! I had depression and went to work every day and went out with friends. But I had severe depression.

Op, depression takes so many forms and we all react differently from it. But it sounds like you're depressed, as in unhappy and lonely, rather having clinical depression. I'm an introvert like you, and as much as I like my friends, I don't have a drive or need to see them regularly and I have to force myself because I do feel better when I do.

I'm afraid, regardless whether you have depression or are depressed, the cure is bloody hard work. It's to do the exact opposite of what you want to do. You have to get out and do positive things to try and lift your mood. In your situation you tend to fall into negative thought patterns which drag you lower. What makes dealing with depression so hard is that you have to challenge yourself and reorder those thought patterns every day. And it's so much easier not to bother. You have to find things that give you pleasure, set yourself challenges and do exercise that releases hormones that lift your mood and lead to positivity (even if you hate the exercise itself!) Unfortunately, it's not just a matter of doing all this once, you have to do it all day and every day. And that takes energy and commitment.

Seeing a therapist can give you coping strategies but ultimately the work is all on you. I had all sorts of medication and therapy (I was very lucky with all the treatment I received), but ultimately the only thing that helped long term, was to change how I approached my life and how I dealt with challenges and disappointments.

Congratulations on the weight loss op! I wish I could lose two stones! If it's come about through being depressed and anxious then I would definitely say you couldould benefit from some sort of professional help. There is nothing wrong at all in venting on here and I hope someone will come along who can provide good advice (certainly better than mine anyway! ) but there is nothing like seeking help from a mh professional when you are "stuck". You would do the same if your house started crumbling or if you contracted a physical medical issue so why not do the same for your mh? And in a way it is about physical health too if your appetite is affected. Why not see the gp to start?

As for people who can relate, there are quite a few threads on here from women in their late thirties who are breaking up with partners at what they consider to be the worst moment at the time, so you might want to do a search or maybe rephrase your thread title to be more specific.

More generally though, there are loads of people on here and who I know in RL, who are not living the sort of life they envisaged for themselves. People who have cancer, lost a job, someone I know has just retired and their dh had a stroke three months later. So instead of living an active life in a retirement cottage in Pembrokeshire she she is stuck in town where there is a big hospital and easier access to family support and has a very sick dependent. I know these situations aren't really comparable with yours, except in the sense that it is not what happens to you as such, but how you cope with it.

I'll bow out not but wishing you luck and bumping for you

It’s not your fault @ICanSeeARainbow123. You were sold this dream since you were a little girl, by the media, the society, possibly family and friends as well. The dream that you will meet your prince charming and live happily every after. This dangerous idea that women are not complete until they have a family is ridiculous and the sooner you free yourself from it the happier you will be. I also think you are depressed, and you are going through the grief cycle of slowly losing this dream future as you approach your 40s.

I don’t have any other inputs for you aside from therapy. The goal of life is to be happy, not to tick the society’s boxes. And you can be happy single as well. You just have to open yourself to the possibilities, otherwise you will waste your life craving something that is not in your control